I Stopped the Pain Meds..

I had been feeling, for the last six months, that I needed to come off of the pain medications, the long acting one was making me feel sick and I had been on some sort of pain medication for over 7 years now.

6 months ago I began to investigate Kratom. After a few months I tried some from various places and then finally found the right one. I found it helped much more with the pain. So, 10 days ago I stopped the pain medication and took Kratom 3 times a day. Today and for the next week I will only take it twice a day, finally I am hoping to be able to only use it as needed. I have not had really any withdrawals. A few times my anxiety jacked up, but meditation helped with that as well as the Kratom. I no longer feel sick and my pain is no where near as bad as it had been. I truly believe prescription pain medication, over years, causes increased pain. It definitely has a place though.

Unfortunately, my life is still the same. Stuck at home and no way to do anything, etc. Maybe once I get through the next few weeks things will improve for me here. I am very comfortable here. It is hard to keep your mind busy when you do not have the funds for things to do. I pulled out a puzzle yesterday and I work on that periodically.

Oh yeah, I chopped all my hair off! I was tired of being hot and I always had my hair pulled up anyway. I am much cooler now. I don’t really care what I look like, nor am I trying to impress anyone. My comfort is the most important thing to me…


Been Sick for over Two Weeks Now…

What seems like clock work, every other year I get sick with the flu or some other virus and then I end up with either bronchitis or pneumonia.  On December 17th, I woke with a scratchy feeling in my throat and chest.  That night the chills set in and a fever of 102.8!  For 3 nights this repeated, but the fever was a little lower each night.  A dry non-productive cough annoyed me night and day!  Not able to sleep and barely could eat.  After 13 days and feeling like I could not breathe, I finally got in to see the doctor.  Pneumonia!  Had a breathing treatment, received shots of steroids & antibiotics in my hip.  Sent home with prescriptions for antibiotics, cough syrup and a powder inhaler.  It took a full three days (today) before I finally started to feel any better at all.  I was able to sleep most of the nig last night, but I still have the dry cough.  I can also eat now.  I have a pain in my right side that wraps to my back, right in the lower rib cage area.  This started a week ago and is still constantly killing me!  Like endless torture…

My immune system has been messed up ever since I had Mono when I was 14 years old.  Or maybe it’s always been messed up.  As a kid I got sick all the time.  Why can’t I find a doctor that will actual do something?  I have had Mono twice, your not supposed to be able to get it again.  I had fifth disease that stayed with me for months, when it should not have!  If I could afford to eat healthy, I would do so much better.  The answer is simple, go live with my parents.  Except, it’s not that simple.  I have to find homes for my animals that I saved over the years.  I did not know at the time, that my husband would cheat and leave, which put me in this position of lack of funds to survive!  

This is the year for change!  I am not going to continue to sit here alone suffering.  I have given my adult kids more than enough time to stand up and help out and they won’t.  I Must put my health first!  I will do what I can over the next few months and then I need to move on…

I often wish I would just die in my sleep, so I no longer have to suffer………….

Ready to Fly Away…

I have been seriously struggling with some major depression lately. I have spent the last few days crying for mostly Unknown reasons. I feel like there is something missing from my life and I also feel like I do not mean much at all to my damn adult kids, except for what I can do for them!

To start off, the court date for divorce is postponed. I found out I was supposed to file an “answer” and a “Poverty Packet” so I don’t have to pay the court reporter fees. My EX was pissed when the judge asked me if I will be going for alimony and I said Yes. I turn in the poverty packet tomorrow and I have to wait for that to be approved, then I can file my answer, which is where I list what I want. I know I will be awarded the alimony, I just pray they give me a garnishment of wages so I actually get the alimony. I am guessing the court date will most likely be in May or June for all of that.

Then…. My EX has announced that he is in a relationship, as of Valentines Day, to the girl he has been with this entire time. I don’t miss my ex or want him back, but I do have very hurt emotions about how I was promised to be loved and taken care of and how he swore he would never leave. Just so tired of that shit happening. I do know my emotions and hurt feelings are part of my depression and tears, but I am not sure what all the rest of it is.

And… I had a good Valentines Day. My adult kids got me candy and an edible arrangement. My BF got me a stuffed dog, card and heart full of chocolates. He was over for the weekend, after I had not seen him for three full weeks. He is great when he is here with attention and being loving. I miss the attention when he is not here, but we don’t seem to really talk about much ever. When we are apart he will text a couple of times through the day just to ask me what I am doing or to say he loves me. I like that, but also feel like it is barely anything at all for an entire day. I tend to feel like I am not very important to him.

Further more……. I have decided I am going to my parents house the end of this month for a couple of weeks. For one, I need to be able to relax and rest in order to heal. I have lumps throughout my neck that are swelled. Had a CT and was sent quickly to an ear, nose and throat doctor. He said he did not feel it was cancer, but I had to be checked again in 6 weeks with another CT and see him. I am on antibiotics until then as well. It’s been ten days so far on this round of antibiotics and no change has occurred. This worries me, because if they all don’t go back down to normal I will have to have several biopsies done in April. While at this doctors office he sprayed some stuff up my nose that smelled like grapes. After several minutes my nose became numb and he put a camera up my nose and into my throat and looked at everything. He said we have another tonsil which is not round but long and bumpy and it is locate between the nose and throat. Mine is very inflamed and looks bad. This is also where the pain is coming from too. Hmmm… So much for having a loving husband to be by my side and supportive for me. Much like the two major surgeries I had in the summer and had to be all by myself! For two years now I have lost weight for no reason, I also lost the feeling in both of my feet. I knew something was wrong then and I still know it today. I keep thinking how the only thing that causes weight loss like that is cancer. No, I don’t want that. I feel I have suffered a great deal already in this life and there is no way I deserve more suffering. I do the right thing. I care about others. I have no clue why I deserve what has already happened to me.

Now here we are… The deep, dark depression… I can see I am angry, feel alone and not important to others. I know I have plenty of reasons to feel down. But, being exhausted all the time and feeling sick constantly is really becoming a problem. I can barely get the kitchen cleaned up daily and I haven’t been able to vacuum every day, let alone anything else that needs to be done. No one here will do a damn thing either. My daughter pays for my cell phone, because I watch her son and then tonight she tells me I will have to go without the cell phone for a few days because she can’t pay it on time. This is the kind of crap they do to me. Then I guess I won’t be babysitting for a few days? She knows I won’t do that to my grandson though. I have had enough of struggling to get by on my disability and paying the mortgage here, then I am left with nothing to even by basic needs with. I could take care of myself if I just moved in with my parents. But no, I stay here because my adult kids and grandson have no where else to go. Ugh…… One day I will choose me over anyone else!

Hopefully, going to my parents will do what it usually does. I will be able to rest and heal. I will be able to explore my own mind and find out what all is bothering me very much. Here at home, I am never left alone long enough to think. Normally I would be sleeping right now, but I am stressed out feeling and can’t sleep, so I got back up out of bed and chose to write it here. I will once again do a daily journal of what I find and what I do while at my parents. My BF says it will suck about me being gone, yet I feel like it really doesn’t matter much since I went three weeks without seeing him until I drove the hour to go get him and he barely texts with a very rare phone call. This is for me! I can sit in the sun daily, maybe even have a tan when I come back home, nice! I always feel so much better after a trip there, which I have always said I would be doing twice a year from now on! The weather will be 60’s, 70’s and 80’s while I am there, perfect! Maybe my mom will buy me a bathing, suit since I don’t have one and some jeans too. I don’t have any that fit me. I just need this extra hanging skin to go away and take all the stretch marks with it………….

“Me with a fake smile”

Another Infection…

On Monday, I could not stay awake more than one hour at a time. I became very ill Monday afternoon and evening. I had the chills, goosebumps and a fever. I was freezing even outside here and it’s hot here. I felt so very sick and weak. This went on for 3-4 hours, then it went away and I felt better before bed time.

The next morning I called my doctor to let them know and I was called back quickly and told to go to the ER because I might have an abscess. I spent six hours in the ER. They took urine, blood and did a CT scan with IV contrast. It took forever for the doctor to come in with the results. I have two small abscess’ and a acute infection. I had to get an IV push of strong antibiotics. I have been on antibiotics, so how the hell did I get the infection. I guess because of the damn catheter! It took an hour and a half to get the antibiotics in me and I felt super sick on my way back to the house. They gave me an RX for seven days of the antibiotics, so now I have to go home two days early from here, in time to get a RX called in back at my house and have it to take so I don’t miss any days. One thing after another!

So, today I now have urine leaking out around the catheter and running down my leg. My bladder has been hurting horribly and I’m so darn exhausted. So, I have to wear depends instead of underwear and I have to carry a tote bag around that holds the big bag for the catheter, because I can’t use the leg bag. I had to get something in the store so I put on my long dress and my dad drove me there. At check out I bent forward to sign my slip and I felt urine running down my leg. That is why I now have to wear depends too! I came back to the house and cried! I am so tired of the crap. Always something.

I got rid of the blood and clots and then I get super sick and have an infection, then I am leaking urine. I found that it is common when you have a catheter in for a long period of time. What else happens that is common is for your bladder and spasms to get worse. OMG, I can’t even sit still and not be in pain. I took everything I had and after an hour I finally had some relief. I am at my wits end with all of this. Maybe I should sue, lord knows I have been through hell and it all started with the hysterectomy and the doc not taking extra cautions that would of caught the hole in my ureter right then and there and he could of fixed it right there and I never would of gotten deathly ill or had to have a large incision abdominal surgery, etc… Pain and suffering alone……. I may do it. Lord knows I need the money. I just don’t know if I can deal with the stress of it. I can’t sit for too long or my tailbone hurts so bad I can’t stand it. I just need everything to calm down and for my body to heal and this to be all over with!

Working through the fears….

I am doing all I can to work through the fears of this up and coming open abdominal surgery. It is the pain that worries me. I am glad I will have an epidural for the first two days. I have read a lot of stories from people who had open abdominal surgery and they all say the first two days are the worst. I am hoping when they remove the epidural they are smart enough to figure out what I need to take to cover the pain. I see my pain doctor today and I am asking him what he suggests!

My belly has been swollen and I have a lot of pressure there. I don’t feel good at all. A part of me wishes they would just take it all out now and fix the problems. Another week of wearing depends and waking every hour to being soaked. I have not slept a full night since the radical hysterectomy onJune 30th. I did sleep a lot with naps the first week I was home though. I can also now feel the five incision areas they went through. They are very tender and bruised feeling and they did not bother me before, so it must be all the pressure from the leak in my ureter that is flowing into my abdomen then out the hole in my vaginal cuff. I am on a sulfur antibiotic now, which I have to take Pepcid because it messes my tummy up and a steroid to reduce the inflammation before surgery. I am still waiting for the Pre-op nurse to call and tell me when to come in this week. She is always behind and calls at the last minute. I very much dislike that!

Each night I sleep 1-2 hours, then have to get up and change, then go back to bed for 2-3 hours, then I am up for a while and change. I usually try to lay back done after I am up a few hours and sometimes I will sleep another hour, but usually I just lay there and then I tend to flood the depends out in that time as well. It flows out of me a lot when I stand up and when I am laying down. I will be glad when I don’t have to wear them anymore. It will be a month of having to wear them by the time I have the surgery. My surgery is scheduled on the day that would of been my 6 week post op appointment to be released if I had not had complications!

I just want to get through this and heal and be done with it all. I pray this is going to fix everything and when I am healed I will have no more of the pain I had before the surgery or the extra pain caused by the surgery! Please pray for me………….


I saw the doctor today and he said I have a hole in my right ureter that is leaking urine and blood out into a large area of blood then out the hole in my vaginal cuff. Today they took the drain out that did nothing but hurt, but put a tube into my back from my right kidney down to my bladder. It is attached to a bag. The urine and blood from the hole is now going into the bag. Which is what it is supposed to do and I don’t have as much running out of my vagina. I go back on Friday for them to remove the tube and put in a stent that I have to keep in me for three month. The tube coming out my back hurts a lot and when I breathe in it hurts even more.

I spent ten hours today going from the doctors offices to the vascular center where they put the tube in and took out the drain. I just have to make it until Friday with this pain and carrying around a bag full of urine and blood. They said the stent will not cause me pain like this tube because it will not be sticking out my back.

I cannot sleep on my right side and that is how I sleep. I did nap when I got home on my left side to sleep off the sedation. I have already had to dump the bag as it had 250 ML of blood and urine in it already.

The doctor messed up and cut my ureter! I have been living in hell! I need all the prayers I can get so please send some up for me! If they did not put this tube in me I would of lost all function on the right side of my urinary tract. I wish I could sleep until Friday………….

Meditation to Heal….

I laid back down this morning, being sick will make you need lots of sleep. I did a meditation to help heal my body and get this infection abscess out of me. I started by relaxing and then I called to GOD and my guides to heal me. I envisioned the healing light fill my body and then I imagined little angels flying into my body and taking pieces of the abscess away. Then I fell asleep.

When I woke I was able to use the bathroom much more normal. I had been having trouble feeling a full bladder and getting it all out, but when I woke I went to the bathroom like normal. So, I will continue this meditation every morning when I lay down for my needed morning nap. I had read stories over the years of kids with cancer that would see the cancer being eaten by PAC man or other creatures and they improved dramatically. Some even got rid of all the cancer.

Our minds are powerful and we have the ability to create so much more than anyone seems to realize. I am willing to do anything possible to heal and recover from this mess. I look forward to being on the other side of healing and having only the memory of what had happened.

My friend brought me over a bag of Shakology and some almond milk. My blood levels are low and I am anemic. I am on iron supplement and I need a way to get protein in me when I can’t really eat much. I am excited to try it out. I hope it tastes great too. I have always wanted to try almond milk too. Shakology has everything your body needs to be healthy and heal and lots of people use it to loose weight and get healthy. Here is to hoping it gives my body the boost it needs to heal and recover………….