Another Year Older…

Yesterday I turned 47 years old.  It was a day, just like all the rest!  Nothing different really. I have always made my kids what ever they wanted for their birthday cake.  I have ALWAYS said “Everyone deserves a cake!”  Do you know what…. I have not had a birthday cake in several years now…

My mom and one of my sisters sent me gifts off my Amazon Wish List.  I received a Walking Dead shirt, Dark Chocolate Espresso beans, 2 essential oils and a cobalt blue glass spray bottle.  I make all the cleaners and detergents here.  My Brother did call me, but I truly hate being on the phone.  It is funny, I used to live on the phone in my 20’s, even had a headset, so I could be on the phone and do things.  But now, I HATE it…

My son and his girlfriend gave me hair clips, a big Mr. Goodbar and a New York Style Cheesecake.  I guess that was supposed to be my birthday cake, but no candles or anything and I really wanted birthday cake!  So, I made my homemade chocolate cupcakes and my homemade frosting for myself… SMH!

I am Disabled and try to survive on a VERY SMALL fixed income of $800 a month and pay the mortgage on my home, I can’t even cover the utilities and I can’t get any help here!  My car broke down last November and I have had to rely on my son’s girlfriend to take me to appointments and grocery shop once a month with $200 to get what is needed in the house and feed myself! (Which is why I can’t afford to get proper food). Her car broke down a couple of weeks ago.  She had taken the money out of her Christmas club account before it broke down, which was supposed to go towards the car, but it did not and is ALL gone now!  It is looking like it will be, at the very least, $500 + to fix it, none of us have the money…

I have to wait until fall, when it cools of here, before I can go through the shed and then have a yard sale for some money.  I will have to save every penny of it, because I will have to go live with my parents!  I will loose my home and privacy!  I have to find homes for my animals and put two of them down that are old!  But, I will be able to eat right and not have to worry about how I will get to appointments.  I am not sure what will happen when I switch my pain doctor to down there either.  Just when I finally got on something that helps some!  I don’t understand how I ended up here.  I worked hard, made good money and built a great life.  But, I married two very shitty men that fucked me over!  What do I do when my parents both die?  They are in their 70’s…

I try so hard to be positive and not think of the past or speculate the future!  It never seems to fail, my birthday always puts me in the dark place!  I also end up there every year on the date my son died, well actually it starts a good week before then!  I spend Halloween through New Years there as well.  The Holidays and my deceased sons birthday is in December too…

I have NO friends here and I rarely get out of my house.  I actually only have one friend and she has been my friend since we were ten years old, but she lives far away!  I miss friends, but here, everyone is either an alcoholic or on drugs!  So, I live just me in every way!  I have NO desire for another man in my life!  I NEED complete Peace & Quiet in order to not have massive Panic issues.  I just can’t deal with a mans B.S. anymore..

I go through spells where I feel it would all just be so much easier if I just dropped dead!  Oh how many times I have begged GOD to bring me back home!  I can’t take my own life, so that is the ONLY way…

(Here is a pic of my cupcakes)………….

Fighting the Darkness of Depression…

I have had a bad week, as I often do.  I can’t seem to get away from the darkness of my depression and the thoughts of ending my torment once and for all.  What actually stopped me, my son.  I thought of him finding me and the pain he would go through.  I can honestly say that it is only my son that keeps me on this earth now.  I just can’t leave him like that.  He is 23 and chances are good that he will die way before I do.  You see, he is insulin dependent diabetic and doesn’t take care of his diabetes as he should.  It takes about 15 years to kill an organ with high blood glucose.  He suddenly became diabetic at age nine when a virus attacked and killed his pancreas.  The least I could do is hold on and be here for him for the rest of his life.  He is unable to hold down a job, because his diabetes is extremely resistant to insulin and is often off the charts or so low he can barely function.

I have struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts my ENTIRE life!  As if dealing with that and chronic pain was not  enough, I now find myself struggling and stressed out, no end, on how to pay the electric bill every month.  My old van has not been running well and the battery has finally died.  How does one get things they need just to survive, when one has no money?  It is all way too much for me to deal with.  At my age, I should not be in this position, but I married three worthless men, that I spent years building their credit and their self esteem, just for them to cheat on me and leave…

I have finally come to the point in my life where I am happy to be just me, without a man!  Yet, I cannot enjoy this!  I have to worry and stress and try to find things to sell, just to survive.  We get two actual full meals a week, because we can only get the food we can purchase with the Foodstamps we are allowed.  $300 a month for the two of us and the cost of food is insane.  I try to get fruit and vegetables, anything I possibly can that is good for us.  We eat a lot of rice!  I wasn’t raised to be like this or in this position, which makes it all the more degrading!  I am disabled and cannot work, for so many reasons it is nuts.  I rarely am able to drive myself anywhere.  I have to live on $810 a month.  My mortgage is $500 each month.  The gas runs around $60 right now and the water is about $75-$80.  The electric bill, this last month, was $305!  The insurance, I am required to have on my old ass van, is $78 per month.  How am I supposed to make it?   Ugh….. I don’t know what to do anymore.  I have called everywhere for any help I can find.  Where I live, there is not help available.  I do know that I cannot keep going like this.  I have begged my family and everyone I know, but no one can help.

So, the last week I have been extremely down in the darkness of depression.  I allowed myself to rest and not push myself to do anything.  Normally, this helps me get past it, but I am still here and it is very dark!  I have reached out to a few friends, just to talk, but I have been ignored or told that what I feel is wrong.  I know that if I did end my life, those people would feel sad and say that they wished they could of helped me.  I just need someone to listen to me and maybe offer up some words of encouragement.  Yet, I cannot find it, anywhere!  God bless my mother and one sister.  They have tried as best they can to be here for me.  They are the only two that even put forth an ounce of effort for me.   My birthday is Saturday, I will be 46 years old at 1:21 am EST.  I have heard people say, after someone committed suicide, that they wished that person would of reached out to them, maybe they could of helped.  I am willing to bet they did reach out and they found that they were really all alone, as I have found.  I have been told things like, “You are too pretty to feel that way.”  Really?!?  Or, “Comeon now, you can’t do that to the people that love you!”  

A year ago I was dying and had to have a huge surgery to save my life, because a doctor screwed up horribly!  My sister talked me into suing, but I can’t even get an attorney to call me back.  It is like everything and everyone just ignores me and I don’t even exist.  Honestly, the money would help me survive the remaining years I have and I went through a nightmare that never should of happened.  What do I have to do in order to be seen or heard?  What will people say at my funeral?  Will they say I didn’t reach out to them?  Will they say that they wished they could of helped me?  I beg God on a daily basis, just to help me survive with the basic necessities.  Food, clothing and shelter.  Just to be able to comfortably pay the required bills, eat and get where I need to go.  On top of all of this, my psychiatrist in which it took me a year to finally get in with, decided to just drop me because my insurance wasn’t paying fast enough.  I have glaucoma and have had it since age 29, that doctor decided they were not taking my secondary insurance anymore and would see me if I could pay 20%.  How does one do that when they cant even buy food or cover their electric bill?  So, I am not on the drops I need and my vision is all messed up because of it!  What do I have to do just to survive?  Oh and then there is the bill collectors.  So much fun with the phone ringing daily and the Bs involving all of that too.   I know I don’t deserve this crap.  How did I get here?  How do I get out of here?………….

I am in a Dark Place…

This is going to be a very dark and negative post. I have been struggling for the last week with fear and stress.

I have been overwhelmed with the fear of the unknown. Fearing I may have cancer and they finally found it. From the weight loss a year ago and my pain spreading, along with several other red flags that the doctors just seemed to ignore…. I finally had a CT scan and then an ultrasound. All the signs point to cancer, but iI won’t know for sure until Thursday. My pain levels have been extremely high.

I have begged my family that lives with me to offer up some peace, compassion and understanding while I struggle through this time. What I have received is stress, worry, aggravation and chaos, B just cannot put me first for anything. My daughter is a drunk and messed up in drugs again. I spend my days hearing her scream and yell at her four year old son. I came out from a nap and found her passed out on the couch and my grandson peeling the outside of a box off of it. My son argues with me and calls me names. Not one of them seems to be able to do anything remotely nice or considerate for me. Maybe it isn’t such a bad thing if I do have cancer. Maybe it will be my way out of this hell hole!

I received a text from B asking if I wanted a pizza or some wings. I told him yes some wings with the sauce is like and I would just eat it tomorrow. He messages me back and said he had meant to sent that text to Brian but if I wanted some wings he could get them for me. Just another example of how I will never be number one in his life. He walks around here negative and depressed, but everyone says when I am not here he is just fine.

I just give up! I’m too tired and way too stressed out to try to make life here livable. I have had to take two hour naps every afternoon and go to bed by 11pm then wake up at 10am. I am going to just go with the flow and sleep when I can until Thursday and then find out what my next step is. I do not want chemo therapy and I think it would be best if I just didn’t have it at all anyway. I refuse to be sick just to try to live a little longer. I’m getting ahead of myself here. It might not be cancer, even though I have had all the symptoms of it being cancer.

Sorry this is a depressive post. I have worked so hard and fought tooth and nail to get through the last few months. Everyone has bad times and right now I am having a horrible time of it all………….