Pondering Things…

I have an email in my box today that says no sender, no message and no content, but the date it shows as the date it was sent is 12/31/69? I was born in August of 1969. It’s so weird and crazy…

I have lived my entire life with mental illness and bouts with major depression. It never ceases to catch me off guard how down I can find myself. Have you ever just sat quietly and tried to explore what it is you are actually feeling? I am sitting out back and it’s quiet other than the water sound from a small pond on my porch. I asked myself, “What exactly are you feeling?” It is hard to really know what it is that i am feeling. I have to really relax myself and search inside. I feel sadness, physical pain, alone, stress and exhaustion! I can hear birds chirping and vehicles going by along with the sound of water flowing in the pond. I also hear an occasional airplane and dogs bark in the distance. A gentle breeze is caressing my skin. I look around and I see the beauty in nature. The rich greens of spring time. Seeing, hearing and feeling nature are very pleasant.

I want to escape the physical pain that I am in every minute of every day. I want to disappear in nature and feel only the soft breeze on my skin. I want to no longer feel as though I am being swallowed in a dark cloud of depression. I take any moment I can find to slip into nature and separate myself from the world of pain and suffering I live in. Even when it is only seconds that I can find.

I began to think of times when I felt very happy. Then I realized why those times were also so short lived. Because I felt happy due to something I bought myself or was able to play with. At first it is new and exciting and you feel happy, but money can NOT buy happiness. Happiness is a feeling that we can create with or without money. That is why when we feel happy for a short time after we are able to buy something we want, it is so short lived.

“B” is very happy today, because he is going out to buy a truck that he wants. This is what got me to thinking about happiness and how it is quickly gone when we try to find it through money. There are so many things we need here and the money for that vehicle isn’t going to help anyone being wasted on something that is not even needed. It will just make him feel good for a few days! The car I bought years ago for my son after he passed away, “B” got rid of it. Oh, now I see where my deep darkness is stemming from. Now he is going to have what he wants and the car that represented my dead son is gone! Well, it took a while, but now I really know what is eating at me so deeply! Honestly, there are several things that have brought me to this point, but now I am finally seeing what is eating at me so deeply!

I have to really work on and try to find happiness for myself………….


Creating & Keeping a Happy Marriage…

I have been reading many articles on how to create and keep a happy marriage. Let’s face it, when you are both happy and feel important and well desired, the relationship is a much better one. A good marriage requires work from both sides of the team…

Finances, home life, children, cooking, cleaning – you control it all. If you want to stay married, you must relinquish your control and allow your spouse to have equal say. Marriage is a partnership and in order for it to be a happy partnership, you can not have the final say with everything. Learn how to compromise and always give your spouse the opportunity to be part of the decision making process.
(Read more at http://www.beliefnet.com/Love-Family/Relationships/)

We all have a tendency to hold on to any form of control we have or think we have. Working together and splitting up the responsibilities actually makes for a much happier marriage. Where both people feel they have their own certain amount of control and that they are a contributor to the marriage and home.

No sex, no hugs, no kisses, no hand holding, nothing – these are the ingredients to a marriage nightmare. You do not have to have sex every night to be happy however, we are human beings and we need affection to reinforce our sense of being. Whether it is a hug, kiss or an arm over the shoulder – give each other some sort of affection daily. Don’t be a cold person because your lack of love could cause your marriage to spiral into a downfall.
(Read more at http://www.beliefnet.com/Love-Family/Relationships/Seven-Marriage-Killers-to-Avoid)

Nothing is sweeter for me, than being grabbed into my loves arms with a passionate kiss laid upon me. I have always held very dear the times that my spouse did something SPONTANIOUS. Like bringing me home flowers or a car expressing his love. When he used to sing me songs when I first woke up in the morning. There is no reason that these things should ever stop. They are very important for keeping the marriage young and healthy while making sure your spouse knows just how much you love and care for me.

Name calling, constant critical comments or judgmental remarks will take a toll on a person’s self-esteem and overall ability to be a genuinely good individual. Do not purposely push buttons and cause frustration with your spouse. It’s human nature to get upset from time-to-time but do not allow those bad instances to consume your overall demeanor. Learn how to voice your frustrations without insulting your spouse.
(Read more at http://www.beliefnet.com/Love-Family/Relationships/Seven-Marriage-Killers-to-Avoid.aspx?p=5#)

Finding a way to communicate with each other in a calm manner is very important to a healthy marriage. Being able to speak to each other openly and honestly is a wonderful feeling. Knowing that no matter how crazy a thought might sound, if you are concerned about it, then you can talk to your spouse about it and they will support you no matter what!

While the children are important, it is also equally important that you spend quality time together as a couple. Your relationship is the foundation to your family – make it a strong one. Your children will look to their parents to set the example of what a respectable marriage should be. Make time for each other without the kids. Enjoy each other’s company and create memories to further strengthen your marriage.
(Read more at http://www.beliefnet.com/Love-Family/Relationships/Seven-Marriage-Killers-to-Avoid.aspx?p=6#vm2bwYb5AQMIzz2e.99)

Any time spent together just the two of you is extremely important for a healthy marriage. Playing a game, watching a movie, having sex or even just taking a stroll. Always remember to do something, anything, once a week together to keep your marriage healthy and happy! Also see SPONTANIOUS…

To hell with the truth – well if that’s your belief, you might as well say to hell with your marriage as well. Be honest and build your relationship on the truth. Have boundaries but always be faithful to each other. Being faithful isn’t just about sex, it’s about being emotionally honest with each other while also being concerned with the other person’s feelings.
(Read more at http://www.beliefnet.com/Love-Family/Relationships/Seven-Marriage-Killers-to-Avoid.aspx?p=7#sosF77qRgXQZWgeq.99)

There is nothing greater than feeling confident that your spouse is faithful to you and that you can always come to them with any issues that might arise in your mind. Being able to speak to each other calmly and being there for each other is vital in a healthy marriage!

Allow your marriage to become another routine that you live each day-to-day – not if you want to stay happily married. The fire is not going to light itself, you have to make the effort and start the flames. Every marriage needs some level of spontaneity. Never letting the flame die is one of the essential keys to having a long lasting marriage. Keep things alive and aim to surprise each other. It doesn’t have to be extravagant. It can be as simple as cooking dinner, if you do not normally cook or surprising your spouse with a date night.
(Read more at http://www.beliefnet.com/Love-Family/Relationships/Seven-Marriage-Killers-to-Avoid.aspx?p=8#q5qt02QOKcRkiOHg.99)

I know that I am doing my very best to incorporate all of these things in my marriage. Everyone, whether they are male or female, wants to feel loved and desired and that they are the most important person to you. A happy and healthy marriage takes work, but not as much as you might think. Small things and thoughtful things go a very long way………….

A Tiger and a Liger at EARS in Citra, Florida


I have been back home for 5/6 days now. While I was at my parents house I went to bed at 10:00 pm every night like they did, I would read for about an hour and I woke between 6-7:00am every morning. I had a lot more energy while I was there as well. Since being back home I have quickly noticed that I am sleeping ten hours a night and feeling dragged down with a lack of energy. Even though I am still going to bed at the same time.

The main reason for this is my parents house is peaceful and calm without negativity flowing through it. There house is open and light fills the inside all day long. My house, even with all the curtains open, is pretty dark. So, I need to do something in order to change the feel of my home to a more positive one.

I will perform a cleansing of my home today. I do this with sage smudge sticks and I go through the entire house encouraging negativity to leave through the open window. Starting at the front door and working clock wise throughout every room through the entire house and ending when I return to the front door. I also mix sea salt and water and sprinkle it in every corner of the house while I pray for positivity to flow through my home.

I usually do this at every change of season to encourage stagnate energy to leave my house. I need to do this more often when my daughter is here, because she brings a lot of negativity to my home. Since this weekend is finally sunny here and in the 70’s, it is the perfect time to do a cleansing of negativity.

After the initial cleansing, I want to keep my personal space flowing with positive energy. So I place a bowl of sea salt out in my bedroom to capture any negativity. This salt must be thrown out in the out door garbage once a week. Salt collects negative energy and you do not want to use or keep salt that is charge with negativity. I do this on Sunday nights since the garbage is picked up on Monday mornings. Then I thoroughly clean my bedroom. Organize the space and put everything where it belongs.

We may not be able to control other people or how they act, but we certainly can do something about the negative energy in our home and we can make sure our personal space is kept neat, clean, tidy and cleansed of any negative energy. I have found I am having a very difficult time dealing with the negativity I feel in my home, so I know it is way past time to cleanse my space.

We do have control over many things in our lives. We control every single thing we choose to do. From when we get out of bed to what clothes we wear. If we leave the house and when we go to bed. Every single thing in our lives is a choice. Sometimes choices can feel difficult. That is when we need to take a few moments to breathe deeply and look for which choice comes from the heart and love. If there is any fear or negativity attached with a choice, then we need to choose a different one. This can make choosing a bit easier in many cases, however, there are some choices in life that all options seem to have some form of negativity attached to them. When this happens, we need to take the time to really explore our options.

For instance, a hard choice for me is always when one of my adult children want to come back home. I know that allowing them to be here will benefit them, but it will also cause a lot of drama and negativity in my home. If I choose not to let them come home, I tend to worry a lot and have fear for them. After all of these years, I can firmly say that the best choice for me is the one with less negativity. So how do we choose which choice has the least amount of negativity? Well, we start out by making a pros and cons list. For me, this list shows which choice will cause the most negativity for me. Sometimes though, I have a pretty even list. Then you have to ask yourself which choice are you able to make work for your own well being. Can you meditate every day to find balance while the negative person is in your home? Will they follow the rules you have set in place to keep your home peaceful? Instead of asking yourself what is better for them, ask yourself what is better for you. We tend to put everyone else’s needs before our own and that is where we need to make a change. Our needs are the number one thing we need to focus on, in order to achieve a happier life.

I have made many choices in my life without stopping and looking at what was best for me. Now is the time to change all of that. We are the most important thing in our lives. Start today and begin choosing what is best for you and not anyone else………….

Adjusting To Being Back Home…

I discovered like so many spiritual practitioners before me that we can have all that what we normally expect from outer sources right now. Through meditation we can feel secure, no matter how much or how little money we have. We can feel loved whether we have a loving partner or not and we can actually feel deeply happy even if there is nothing special in our life that would normally bring us this feeling.
Read more at http://www.beliefnet.com/Wellness/Meditation/Why-Meditate.aspx#8lZR4gdWPv137WtZ.99

I encourage everyone to give meditation a shot. Back when I began the meditative journey I am on, I started with guided meditations on CD. After a while you get used to bringing yourself down to a meditative state and you will no longer need a guide to get you there. When I have a question, I can usually find the answer by meditating. It is very much like all answers are within our very own soul. Meditation brings up an all encompassing feeling of love that you cannot obtain from another person.

I remember back when I was actively meditating one hour every day in order to get ahold of my severe panic attacks. The first time I felt the true connection to spirit. In my meditation, I brought myself down to a very relaxed state, I noticed that I felt as if I was actually coming from my heart area of my body. Normally we all think and feel like we come from the mind area of the body. Right now, notice where you feel like your thoughts and being is coming from. For me, I always felt like I was coming from my head. In this meditation I suddenly felt like I was centered in my chest, as if my thoughts and my mind were there and not in my head. I felt a profound and deep feeling of peace and joy. I did not ever want to leave that feeling. That is when I realized that our spirit or soul is actually houses in the center of our chest and not our head where the brain is. The human mind or the EGO mind is in the head. Knowing this and feeling this, makes it easier to see when you are coming from your spirit or your EGO mind. Remember, all things coming from our spirit are of love and all things that come from the EGO mind are not love. There are only two feelings in life, either LoVE or not love.

It is much like our spirit is housed in the center of our human body and we have to find a way to always come from our spirit and not the human EGO mind. When you can feel the difference between the two, it becomes much easier to know what thoughts are spiritual and what thoughts are just a bored EGO mind. Then you can separate yourself from the EGO mind. This is a daily activity that will need to be done for all the days that the human body is here on this earthly plane. We are spirits living in a human body to experience life on earth. Our biggest obstacles are created by our EGO mind, not outside circumstances or people. How we react to things and how we talk to ourselves plays the huge roll in how we feel. It is almost as if we all have two people in the same body. One is loving and peaceful and the other one is negative and gets bored easily. I see my EGO mind as a spoiled child with constant negative thoughts. My spirit tries to soothe this child and teach it to think more positive thoughts. Sometimes the child throws huge temper tantrums and takes over. We just need to be able to see the separation of the two so we can remind ourselves that we are not that spoiled child, but rather the beautiful loving and peaceful spirit that resides in our hearts. We can choose to ignore the temper tantrums and pay closer attention to our loving thoughts instead.

Even the most experienced meditative being still has to battle the spoiled child within themselves. Though, over time, it does become easier to separate the two and keep your focus on the loving and peaceful spirit instead of the spoiled child………….


Day 22, My Final Day Away…

I arrive here at my parents retirement home in Florida on February 7th and today is my final day here, away from all the stress, negativity and drama at my house. Although, my two adult children have messaged me and called me to offer up all kinds of chaos during my stay here. It has been so nice to be in a home filled of peace. No screaming or cussing at all! For the most part, I have been able to feel much better here than I ever did in my own home. However, I am ready to go home now. I found myself becoming bored over the last week and realized it was definitely time to get back home and to put into action my plans to create a positive and loving environment in my own home.

I do believe this trip was very much needed. I have discovered many things about myself and I have worked through countless obstacles in my mind. My time away has also strengthened my love bond and renewed it to the way it was back in the beginning. So, on that note, I do feel it is vitally important for couples to experience time apart every few years. When I arrived here I did not feel loved, desired or even that I mattered in my own home. Three weeks later, I have received beautiful words of love and desire, which have made me excited to return home. I now feel the excitement of a new love all over again. This is something we loose over time once we live with our significant other for a while. Everyone becomes comfortable and lazy. That spark we feel in a new relationship dwindles away. The time apart will either make you both see how much you do love each other and that you don’t want to spend any more time apart or you will see that there is no longer love between the two of you. I am very grateful that there is still a very strong bond of love in mine.

All relationships take work. If one or both partners do not put forth the effort in the relationship, there will no longer be a relationship. Everyone, whether they are male or female, wants to feel loved, desired and that they matter. I see so many couples marry and then divorce so quickly. As if the vows of marriage were never once taken seriously. I, for one, want this marriage to be my final one and only for it to end when I am no longer living on this earthly plan. This is the second time in 7-8 years that I have fought very hard for my marriage. I am so very glad I put the effort into it both times now.

When you feel like your partner loves, desires and deeply cares for you, you feel more confident and happier. We cannot control anyone but ourselves, so the way to go about receiving these things is to offer them up to your partner from your own heart. Give them what you hope to receive. When your partner feels the love, desire and compassion coming from you, they feel happier and it blossoms their love for you.

One of the biggest hurtles to over come in a relationship is arguing. We all want to get our points across and we want to really be heard. This causes many arguments. The key here is to really listen to your partner without judgement or reaction. Even when you feel like you are being attacked by their words. You may find yourself feeling the very same way they do. So, how do you over come the arguments? After you stop and really listen to them, allow yourself a few deep breaths and look at what they are saying as if it is not about you at all. They are expressing their feelings and how they feel is very real to them. Remember, we can only change ourselves. When you love someone you want them to be happy. You want them to feel like they really matter and you want to boost their ego so they feel confident. So, really listen to them, without arguing, and always remind them how much they mean to you. All relationships have arguments, the one thing you can control is how you respond and act during an argument.

Doesn’t it feel wonderful when your significant other brings you flowers or little gifts to express their love? This is also key in keeping a relationship strong and healthy. When you receive a gift or token of love out of the blue on no special day, it feels great and your love blossoms. This is also something that we tend to stop doing after we are together for some time. You have to nurture your relationship and this is key in keeping it fresh and young. These gifts do not have to cost a penny. They can be massages or things we make ourselves.

Another way to express your love is by the words that you speak. Isn’t it wonderful to hear your love profess their deepest desires of you? Even simple words can have a profound effect. For instance, my partner used to sing, “Good Morning Beautiful” to me in the mornings when we were first together. He stopped doing that some time ago, but when he told me how his uncle had that song as a ring tone and every time his phone rang he thought of me, that warmed my heart and brought a smile to my face. Something so simple to say and yet so profoundly important to our relationship.

Being spontaneous! Randomly grabbing your love and kissing them passionately. Anything that reminds them that you do still desire them a great deal. Holding hands! Sending private sexual messages to each other when you are apart, this keeps desire alive! All the things we did in the beginning of the relationship.

No matter what is going on in your life, make time for your partner. At the very least, once a week needs to be specifically set aside for just you and your love. You do not have to go out and spend money you do not have. You just need to be focused on your love and only your love for this time. No outside distractions like your cell phone, other people or children. Even if it is only one hour a week, make it happen!

If you stop watering a plant, it dies. Just like when you stop nurturing your love, it too will die. It doesn’t take much at all to keep love alive. Just a small amount of effort can and will go a long way………….

Day 16, Focus on What You WANT…

Have you ever sat down and really thought about what it is you really want? I did this… I took my journal and my pen and wrote “WHAT I WANT”. When I really looked deep inside of myself, I found that it all boils down to three things: Peace, Love and Happiness!

I want to stop all things Negative. I want to replace all things negative with pure love and happiness. This sounds easy, but it is definitely a work in progress. Sometimes I find I can catch a negative thought quickly and I am able to replace it with a positive one. Yet, other times I find myself noticing the negative thought and trying my best to replace it, only for it to keep coming back up over and over in my mind. This is when I know I need to work much harder on this area.

I spend way too much time focusing on things I do not want instead of the things that I do want.
“Visualize this thing you want. See it, feel it, believe in it. Make your mental blueprint and begin.” Robert Collier

In order for us to fully enhance the quality of our life, and achieve at our peak, we must choose wisely in the way our attention is being focused. Life is defined on the notion that our mind is definitely going to find what we focus on. Now whether that is a blessing or a curse is entirely up to you, as you’re in total control of directing that energy. It becomes so frustrating when the experiences that we don’t want to keep showing up, constantly do. The reason they show themselves so often is because we are putting so much energy toward them.

When we focus on the things we don’t want, we get more of them. That uneasiness then begins to consume our reality. This may create a feeling of hopelessness, anger, and disappointment until other areas of our life suffer because of our inner turmoil. It’s quite obvious in everyday life. When you are feeling angry, everything outside will seem distorted and get under your skin. When you are irritated about something, everything will seem to irritate you. When you are happy, then everything seems great. It’s a law of life—there is no escaping it. We must learn to enhance our emotional fitness, and that comes from what we choose to focus on. When you continue to focus on what you want, your whole demeanor adapts to your desire. Body language, vocabulary, tone of voice, and even subconscious movements all shift to mold you into the person you need to be.


Depression is a rough thing to deal with. In a matter of seconds I have suddenly felt drained and feel the need to go lay down and rest. I am not going to focus in it, I am just going to take a nap. I will feel better when I get up and I will pick up where I left off here on focusing on what I want. Accepting that the mind is complex and sometimes we just need a break or we need to rest.

Somehow, some way, I will train my focus to stay in the positive and fixate on happiness. After all, happiness is a state of mind and a choice. May your day be filled with Love, Happiness and Peace………….

Self Esteem and Imperfections…

I have struggled quite a bit this evening with my own self esteem issues and the fears I have in regards to my current relationship. I found myself feeling nauseated and ill. I couldn’t stop the negative thoughts I was having. Over and over I was thinking how I didn’t matter and how I feared “B” was going to do something to hurt me while he was on his trip back home for his grandmothers funeral. I felt horrible that I wasn’t going to be able to go up there and see her one last time, like I was being abandoned again! Earlier I had discovered that “B’s” sister invited “B’s” ex girlfriend to attend the viewing and funeral. That was when my negative self talk went on a non-stop ride in my head.

I told myself repeatedly that I was worrying about something that had not happened and that I was not going to accept those thoughts. Yet, no matter what I did or said, it just wouldn’t stop. I finally decided I needed to look online for something I could read that might help me deal with it in a better way. Below is what I found to be useful:


There’s no such thing as a perfect relationship. Even if it seems perfect now, it won’t always be. Imperfection, however, is real and beautiful. The quality of the happiness between two people grows in direct proportion to their acceptance, and in inverse proportion to their intolerance and expectations. It’s how two people accept and deal with the imperfections of their relationship that make it ideal.

When you invent problems in your relationships, your relationships ultimately suffer. Insecurity is often the culprit. If you doubt yourself and you don’t realize your own worth, you will pass on any opportunity to let others care for you, and you will remain stuck with the insecurity issues that weigh you down.

Next time you feel insecure, and you catch yourself stressing about problems that don’t exist, stop yourself and take a deep breath. Then tell yourself, “This problem I’m concerned with only exists in my mind.” Being able to distinguish between what you imagine and what is actually happening in your life is an important step towards self-confidence.

No meaningful relationship will always work flawlessly all the time. Being too black and white about the quality and health of a relationship spells trouble. There will always be difficulties present, but you can still focus on the good. Insecure people constantly look for signs of what’s not working in their relationships. What you need to do is look for signs of what is.

Having an appreciation for how remarkable the people in your life are leads to good places – productive, fulfilling, peaceful places. So notice their strong qualities, cheer for their victories, and encourage their goals and ambitions. Challenge them to be the best they can be. Every day, acknowledge just how amazing they are.
~~~Sections From the website: marcandangel.com~~~

Reading this has greatly helped me. I definitely look at the signs of what is not working, when I need to be focusing in on what is working. I feel much better now and I am no longer nauseated or ill. Sometimes even when you know the right things to say to yourself, you still find yourself having to struggle to move past the negativity. And, it doesn’t help when your significant other can’t seem to tell you the things you are wishing to hear. So, we have to be our own cheerleaders and we have to tell ourselves those precious words we wish so deeply to hear.

I have realized that my self esteem is very low. I thought I had already moved past that issue, but today I was shown that I have not! Creating a happy and peaceful life requires work. Working at it every single day and there will be bumps in the road. Every day for the last 15 days I have read and applied many different ways of positive thinking. I have a long way to go, but I have not given up. I can see how far I have already come in such a short amount of time. After all, it took me over 40 years to get the way I am………….

February 22, 2014, ME!