Grieving the Loss of a child, never ends…….

Today…….. Like so many days in the last ten plus years, I have had a heavy heart, My head hung low and the sadness that encompasses you for the remainder of your life after the death of your child. The pain never goes away, it just hides more often as the years tick by. Instead of being in bed crying for days on end, like I did in the beginning after loosing my son in a car accident, I find myself with days I can think of him and smile and days, where out of no where, I desperately miss him.

So today…… I have a deep yearning for the son I have lost. What would he look like now? Would he be a father? I miss how he would always sit with me and talk to me. And of course, I have the unanswered questions of Why Me? Why did he have to leave? Two of my sisters were pregnant at the same time I was with my son that passed away. My one sister gave birth to a boy, Jason, in October of 1986, then my other sister gave birth to a girl, Gail, in November 1986 and I gave birth to my son, Keith, in December 1986. My sister still has her son Jason and when I see him on video or pictures I find myself welling up with tears and all the questions flooding my mind. My son was very close to his cousin and since my son passed I have always held Jason in a special place. But recently is when I found myself hurting so deeply when I saw Jason during a video chat with my sister. I had never responded that way while seeing him before. So, I have to ask myself, Why Now? I have no answer, only the thought that keeps coming forward….. “What would my son, Keith, look like right now?” When Keith first passed away I spent months terrified I would forget what he looked like. I never have forgotten him, not in any way, shape or form. Jason is now 27 years old and looks much different than he did back when he was 16. I assume my son would also have a much different look as well. It doesn’t matter how many years go by, when you loose a child, it is always there……..

The sadness, loss, despair and the death of a part of you. You will never be the same for the rest of your life here. The first time I laughed after my son was gone, I felt so guilty. How dare I have fun when he was no longer with me! I read a stack of books written by others who had lost a child. I discovered the feelings and thoughts I had were normal. People that I met after his death, who also lost a child, told me that the pain never goes away but life gets easier as time goes by, though you will never stop thinking about your child. For me, this June will be 11 years that he has been gone. Why is it so impossible for me to move forward in life and not break down or fall apart anymore? I know there is no time limit on grief, but when is it supposed to become easier? Even with a million other things occupying my mind, my son is still there tearing my heart out! I have been told by multiple doctors that I have not DEALT with my sons death. So how does one do that anyway? How do you deal with it then? I know he is gone and never coming back. I have gone through all of the stages of grief, more than once. Please, tell me how one deals with such a great loss? What am I supposed to be doing? THe crazy thing is, I had a few years where I didn’t break down much at all and I felt I was dealing with it well and moving on finally. Yet, here I sit, right now, crying and feeling the pain like it was yesterday.

Surely, it does not help that my two living children are alcoholics and cannot seem to grow up and be responsible. The one with a good head on his shoulders and also the one who was much like a best friend to me, was taken from me. My two living children have never sat and talked with me or shared things with me like my son Keith always had. They say the closer you are to the person that dies, the harder it is to continue on. I had a friend several years back that I had met on one of the online bereavement groups. She had lost her daughter years before I lost my son and we talked often, supported each other. When the tenth year came after her daughters death, she killed herself. She seemed to be fine and handling things so well. Now I wonder if she had gone through what I am going through now. Where you feel you are doing better and life will go one, then it hits you like a Mack truck speeding down the highway again! Oh how I wish someone had the answers for me. To be able to tell me exactly what I needed to do in order to continue down the road called life and not be suddenly beaten to near death by the grief of loosing my son all over again. I would give anything to just be able to hug my son and sit with him and talk, just one more time! I have begged for years for him to come to me in my dreams, just so I could see him. He has only been in one very short dream since he passed. I feel like, if I could just see him, even in a dream, I would feel better.

To make Life even worse, as if loosing a child isn’t bad enough to live through, I have had to suffer with severe chronic pain for over three years now. Non stop pain that gets so bad I cry and occasionally I get lighter pain moments. I say moments, because I have never had hours or days of light pain since it began. I am emotionally and physically being tortured every second of every day. I even put myself in counseling and on medication through a psychiatrist as soon as my son died, because I knew I had to have help. I am still on medication to this day. I did three solid years of DBT, group therapy and private counseling sessions, every single week! Maybe, if I didn’t have so many other things happen to me after his death, I would be in a better place right now. His death, living in a new place, husband leaves me and I lost everything, had to move back to a bad area, was attacked and beaten by over a dozen gang members going after my neighbor and then the chronic pain, all in consecutive order! I don’t know what to do anymore. Thanks for listening though……

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parenthood is such a powerful bond. The bond remains, and often grows, through and after death. It has been said that the loss of a child isn’t an event but rather a journey of survival. In describing loss, author Barbara Kingsolver said this: “You don’t think you’ll live past it and you don’t really. The person you were is gone, but the half of you that’s still alive wakes up and takes over again.”

If someone you know is suffering from the loss of a child, be there to listen. Don’t compare their loss or feel that you need to come up with answers, just listen. The support of friends and family is critical!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not all people grieve the same, even two parents grieving a loss of the same child experience loss differently. Whether a parent has lost a child not yet born or has lost a son or daughter of adult age, the grief can be paralyzing. Although there are no simple answers, parents dealing with loss are not alone. There are excellent resources available to help:

Bereaved Parents USA offers support to parents, grandparents, and siblings of those that have lost a child.

The Compassionate Friends offers support and helps families heal, as well.

Camp Sunshine Bereavement Camp is a therapeutic retreat in Maine and has bereavement group for families who have lost a child to illness.

GriefShare offers support groups and referal information.

The Wendt Center for Loss and Healing offers support to Spanish-speaking families, as well.

Dear Diary,

Today I thought much about my family. My brother, sisters and parents. The only one out of them all that checks on me and asks how I am doing is my mother. Even my children, whom live here with me and are adults, never ask how I am feeling. So,entires I feel so alone and deep in despair, that just a simple question, like “how are you doing?” Could help pull me from the depths of darkness. Yes, it would be nice. But, I cannot change how other people are. I can only change myself. So, I asked myself, “How are you doing?” And you know what I replied…… I am hanging in there. Sometimes I get so tired of so much pain and I isolate myself most of the time to avoid negative words and behaviors of others. I often feel alone, but I know I am not alone. I can only do what I can with every minute that is given to me…….. This surprised me, because I figured my reply would be all kind you negative about how much pain I have to suffer with every day.

Earlier today I was extremely down and I just could not think of a single thing I could do in order to occupy my mind away from the pain and depression. I sat on the edge of my bed for a long time with my head hung low. Then I went outside and started doodling on a piece of paper. After a while I noticed that I must of been doodling for some time and that I had stopped focusing on my pain. Sometimes it is so difficult to find one thing to take your mind away from the suffering. I wanted so badly to go to bed and sleep all day. I even tried to do this, but my medications for the pain keep me wide awake. I just wanted to relax and rest and sleep instead of having to be awake and deal with so much. I made it though, now it is time for me to go to bed and I feel my eyes getting heavy. Now I will be able to sleep for a few hours and it will be so peaceful….

Rough Night…..

I had a very rough night last night. For some reason, every time I get myself in a good place something seems to happen to stress me out. So, my night was a very rough one, but I will not give up on the positive thoughts and affirmations!

My daughter has not even been back home for a month and she is right back to her usual ways. She wants to go out and party. She told me she had gotten that out of her system and was ready to be home and take care of her son. Everyone warned me, but I was backed into a corner and I always have hope that things will be different. I don’t know if she is on something or it is just her mental issues, but she is hyper in the early afternoon, which is followed by depression and bitchiness! Then she storms around the house trying to find ways to get out of the house and go have fun, as she puts it. We don’t have much food and she eats more than anyone else does here. She has drank every night she has been back except for two of them. I know I cannot change her, but this is my home and it is a place where I should feel at peace and safe. Now I find myself wanting to run away and never come back. I already hide in my room most of the time as it is. I do not want to go out there and have to deal with her at all today. I want to stay in my quiet room where I find peace and comfort. She has already said how she will never leave without her son again, but when she has left in the past, she would always leave him with someone else. She wants to see her son, but also go out and party every night of her life. I cannot change her and I do feel strongly that she needs to be on medication. Though, that will have to wait until she is put back on Medicaid. My hands are tied. I can only focus on myself now and do all I can to keep myself in the positive thoughts.

No matter how hard you fight, life throws us some seriously negative things. The key is to never give up! No matter what happens. I have said my daily affirmations out loud and I am focusing on positive thoughts. Though, I do find myself wanting to move away. I have always been one to not want to deal with things and I would avoid them at all costs. I chose to try to take to her about the problems instead and it escalated to a screaming match, which was followed by a long spell of horrible pain. I am not sure how to handle this problem. All the ways I have tried to deal with it in the past have not worked out so well. I have even tried to ignore it. All I can do now is say positive things and speak what I want life to be, as if it already is. Maybe my words will create that life for me if I just keep at it……….

Such a Dark & Lonely Place…….

Since the events of last night, where my brother and one of my sisters decided to attack me and be so cruel that I had to delete and block them so I would not continue to be upset over the horrible things they were saying to me……… I have been in a very dark and lonely place!

I feel the need to express what I am feeling and this is the only safe place I have. I posted on Facebook, “I give up, I don’t know why I bother anymore” and from that, my siblings attacked me saying I was saying crap about them. SMH, I guess when your guilty you know it’s you, right!?! I have wasted so much time, effort and emotions just trying to get them to except me. I thought family was supposed to be there for you and support you. Surely, there are families that do that, right? Where did I get that idea from anyway? Television? I have been very scared of what is wrong with me and causing so much pain. I reached out to them and tried to keep us all connected. I never should of done that. It brought so much emotional suffering to me. No matter what they have done to me or said to me in my life, I never shut them out and I was always here wanting them to love me. Though, last night, I became so distraught that I had to unfriendly them and out them on the block list, plus removed them from my email so when they sent another painful message I would not get it in my inbox. I have been suffering in constant chronic pain for over three years and it has become very disabling. Yet, my brother says things like, “we all have pains and no one is more important than anyone else’s”. I can’t help but think that if they had to live one day with me pain, maybe they would think very differently. I am certain my brother would be bent over crying for his mommy…..

I am the youngest of five children. I have my one brother and he is the oldest, 11 years older than I am. Then I have three sisters, they are 10, 9 and 8 years older than I am. My oldest sister died from cancer in 2000. My sister that is 8 years older than me, has always been close to me and there for me, but in the recent years she has not really been there much. My sister who is 9 years older than me and my brother have always been mean to me. My brother hated me just because I was born. The two of them have said and done some pretty horrible things to me in my life. I should of cut those two ties a very long time ago instead of trying so desperately to have some sort of bond with them. It has only brought me pain and anguish!

I made the choice last night to finally cut those ties for good. I had too. It was killing me emotionally and I am already suffering too much in physical pain. Somehow, I have to find a way to be okay with this choice. I know it is the only choice I had, but I still feel so darn down and hurt over it all.

I have ALWAYS been a person that talks about what bothers me and I do not hide anything. I am what you see and there is nothing fake about me. Those two of my siblings are completely against talking about problems. I refuse to pretend to be someone I am not. Why is it that we have to come to a place, like here, just to find someone who can understand and support us? I know we can never change anyone but ourselves, but is it wrong to want desperately yo be supported by your own flesh and blood? I know I am not alone in this. I have read several blogs where others are wanting support from their family and just cannot get it. So how do we move forward and just stop trying? For me, shutting those two doors was a must for my own sanity. Now I have to work through all the emotions and pain with the hope that I can move on without them in my life. Not like they were really ever in my life anyway. Now they do not have to see or hear from me, so I can only assume that is what they always truly wanted…..

Venting…… Not a good day for me!

So, today I woke up and I was in the usual horrible pain. I spent an hour trying to get through the intensity of the pain before the meds finally eased it some. I then spent another hour getting myself into a positive place before I emerged from my room for the day. I was going to throw in a load of laundry and on my way I saw that one of the kitchen cabinet doors were ripped half way off and hanging there. The entire kitchen was trashed worse than I have ever seen. Every single cup I own was dirty and on the counter with a mess of other dishes. So, I put my laundry in and then walked through the house opening all the curtains, since they were all still closed and it was 12:45 pm. My daughter had been up for a few hours with her son and she had been in the kitchen to get him things to eat and drink, but when I asked her and everyone else what happened to the cabinet, everyone denied any knowledge of it. Then I proceeded to clean the kitchen, which left me in so much more pain, as it usually does. I quickly went from that positive place I fought to achieve, down to the pits of despair and depression. I feel so down and hopeless. My daughter coming here was supposed to be a help for me, not more crap to deal with. Then again, she has always been a mess and I should of known. If only the others would of stepped up to care for my grandson now that I can’t, I wouldn’t of had to let her come home.

My back is screaming in pain. My neck is crushing me. My tailbone is crushing and in fire! My hips, butt cheeks, legs and feet are intensely gripping me. My body wants to go to bed and my mind wants to pack my things and leave. I need some fun in my life and all I ever get is pain and depression. Today there are five other adults in this house that could take care of things, but they didn’t and they don’t, my son has friends over way to often and no one ever takes the initiative to take care of things so I don’t have to do it.

I know….. I know, I need to find something I can do that will occupy my mind! But what? I hurt so damn badly and I have no money. When I get into the pits of despair like this, I have no creativity or the ability to think of things to do. As if that ability just up and left me as quick as I could snap my fingers. How do I get myself out of this darkness? Ugh….. It is all wearing me out! Always dragging me down…… I am about to snap in the worry of how the heck to pay for things. It has become so bad, that im am walking through the house turning things off, every single time I have to go out there for something. I just want to choke some sense into these people. I want to be a kid damn it! No worries about bills and money when your a kid. Just go off and play and do what you want, the adults take care of it all. I never want to clarify and justify things, so I just run and hide.

I am never going to be the same again. I have suffered in the world of constant pain for the last three years and it keeps
Getting worse and spreading. I won’t ever pretend, I don’t hide how I feel. Anyone can see it written upon my face. I am pretty sure, that they just don’t care. So how do I get out of this place… This dark pit of agony and despair….. I just hide in my room, until I have to come out for something. My whole life I have tried so hard to get the people in my family to act like they gave a crap about me. Maybe I just need to stop doing that. It’s just me, myself and I. I keep to myself most of the time anyway. I a listening to music on my headphones. It’s better than having to hear or see a bunch of crap I don’t want to hear or see…….

Current Music:
Awolnation – Sail
Korn – Never, Never
Shinedown – the entire Amaryllis Album
Five Finger Death Punch – wrong side of heaven and Anywhere but here and M.I.N.E.
Pop Evil – Trenches
Hollywood Undead – Young
All That Remains – What if I was Nothing

Why do I Bother….

VENTING: I was so excited about getting my family to agree to meet online and chat. I finally got them all to agree to this evening at 8 eastern time. However, prior to this meeting my brother had to complain about wanting to meet on weekends instead and then my one sister said no since that was the only time she had with her husband. Anyway, I set up the chat in Google Hangouts and at 8 pm my time I sent the request out to my mother, two sisters, brother and one niece. My one sister was on quickly with me and a little bit later my niece and mother arrived. It was so nice to see them and hear them. Though, my sister laid back on the couch like she could barely keep herself awake. My other sister finally came in about twenty minutes later and she had a mean and nasty look on her face. As if we all had just shit on her dinner plate. She said she was working from home and proceeded to type and work, which kept over taking all the sound as she slammed the keys on the key board. She finally paused for about ten minutes to chat a little and that was when my brother finally arrive to the room. My brother also could not be bothered to sit up and be seen, he took phone calls when they came in. I felt like this really didn’t mean a thing to any of them. I guess it only means something to me. My brother was there in the chat for about fifteen minutes then left. At the end of the chat my sister asked why we couldn’t meet on weekends and then my other sister had to explain, again, that she did not want to take time away from what time she had with her husband. Shockingly, everyone agreed to meet again on Tuesday evening at 7 eastern time. My brother was gone so he wasn’t there to agree, but I know he is going to complain about it since he felt that was just to early for him before. I am willing to bet he won’t even show up.

During our little family chat, I talked about being very worried about possibly having cancer. Wouldn’t you know it, my family responded by one saying, “No you Don’t!” And the other two not saying a word. Back before my other sister passed away from cancer, we used to talk online in a chat room and she had asked us what we thought it could be and listed her symptoms. I was the only one that said, “it could be cancer!” Everyone else said NO it is NOT Cancer! She lived 1 1/2 years after that and it took the doctors most of that time before they even bothered to check her for cancer. I desperately need a support system and my family. I am here all alone. No matter what I do they just can’t put anyone before themselves. I feel heart broken. I wish I would never of even bothered to try to get them all to meet up online, because now I am very sad and depressed. I have balled my eyes out three times so far.

I at a granola bar earlier today. It is now late at night and I am starving. This is the story of my life! There is not much to eat here and I am so tired of trying to find something to eat. I am craving Papa Johns pizza with extra cheese! pepperoni! onions and mushrooms! Not one single area in my life is good, it is all so very bad. Physically: Mentally: Financially: PLEASE JUST LET ONE PART OF MY LIFE BE GOOD!!!

Abandonment Issues…..

My whole life I have feared being abandoned. Well before I ever was abandoned by anyone. I have always felt and known things. As a child, I firmly believed in the after life and reincarnation and so on…. So much so, that after years some of my siblings and even my mother believed in it as well. My gut has never been wrong. In my early teens, I wondered why I always feared being abandoned, when no one had ever abandoned me in my life. Then in 2006, I was abandoned for the first time. My then husband left and we lost everything that I spent years working for. I can see why someone would fear that, once it has happened to them. So why have I fear abandonment my whole life then? Was it my gut telling me that it would come to pass one day? My gut has never steered me wrong, but I sure could of used all those years prior, not worrying about what was going to happen when I was 36/37 years old. Since the first encounter of abandonment, I have had it happen again. Though, my husband this time did come back. What am I supposed to learn from this? We repeat things in our lives until we learn from them! I fear being alone and have made some poor choices in my life in order to not be alone. Maybe that is what I am supposed to learn…….

Ever since the birth of my first child, I have had some serious emotions. I started crying to commercials and movies, etc. I am that way to this day! I even cried to an episode of The Simpsons once. Earlier this evening I watched the most recent episode of the new show,” Witches of East Wind” and it brought back a lot of abandonment issues for me. Thinking about how it felt when I was abandoned! Tears quickly filled my eyes. I found myself feeling all the emotions as if it had just happened to me, again. I had thought I had dealt with it all and moved on with life in that area, but I obviously still have issues with it, otherwise, I would not break down like I did. I wish there was a book somewhere that told you how to deal with things that happen to you…

They tell me I have never dealt with my sons death. How do I deal with that? Where does it list the steps that you take to deal with things that greatly affect you? When my son died, I looked for information on the stages of grief. Well, it was a few weeks after he died. I wanted to know what the heck was happening to me. We all experience the stages of grief, though some experience it in a different order and time…… The Five Stages of Grief and loss: Denial and Isolation, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.

Denial: Usually our first reaction to the loss of something we’re attached to, is denial. Denial is a response to the shock or disbelief of an event and is commonly employed as a coping mechanism.

Anger: This stage of grief is probably the cause of the most pain from grief. Anger can cause deep and sometimes permanent wounds that are totally unnecessary.

Bargaining: This is as strange a grief behavior as Denial. It’s where we try to make deals to gain back what we lost. In the cycle of dealing with grief, bargaining can occur before or after a loss. It is characterized by guilt, “What if” and “If only” statements and entertaining the idea that the loss can be changed or avoided.

Depression: A psychological side effect of loss is depression. Depression can be characterized by having sleeping troubles a loss of appetite, mood fluctuations or sadness

Acceptance: Accepting the loss is the final stage, and it indicates that you have come to the end of the mourning period. You will know that the grieving process is over, once you have worked through the associated emotional pain, have adjusted to differences, and moved on with your life.

You can find more information at http://www.livestrong.com/article/158796-explain-the-five-stages-of-the-grieving-process/

I thought I had accepted it all, but I guess I do not know how to actually do that. I know my son is gone and I won’t see him again until I also cross over. The stages of Grief are not only for when someone dies, but when you loose anything. It could be your job or your marriage. The closer your are and the deeper you love the person or place or even thing, the harder that loss is.

I just WISH for a little Peace…

I have been more worried and stressed than I realized I was. I began to cry as I thought about dying in the next few years. As I thought about the possibility of having cancer, I realized that if I do in fact have cancer, I won’t survive it. It has already spread and surviving after it spreads is next to impossible. My sister died of colo-rectal cancer in 2000. She spent three years telling the doctors that she couldn’t poop and all they did was give her laxatives. When they finally decided to go in with a colonoscopy, it was far too late. It had spread to her ovaries and not to long after they removed everything, it spread to her bone. Tears welled up in my eyes, as I thought about not surviving. My thoughts went straight to not seeing my grandson grow up. That was when I realized I was far more worried and stressed over it than I had thought. After all, I did not have a diagnosis yet and it could be something other than the horrible “C” word.

I have always been a major worrier. Worry about everything until I find a way around it or through it. My youngest son is also a major worrier and I think he is actually worse than I am, but that could be due to his young age. I feel that I worried more when I was younger, but maybe I just found ways to deal with it in my much greater age. I often do not realize something is actually bothering me until I sit quietly and reflect. I spend so much time trying to occupy my mind away from pain and anxiety, that I do not see the more than obvious signs of worry and stress. I have recently made myself spend a few minutes after I wake, to reflect on what is on my mind or what I had dreamed, etc. even doing that, I did not see how much I was actually worried about it. It wasn’t until I had the thoughts go straight to dying and not seeing my grandson grow up, that is when I realized the extent of my worry.

One thing I do know, is that no matter what someone suffers from, they do far better when they have a strong support system. I have always wished that I had one. My family here with me, often causes great chaos and stress. They do not ever put anyone before themselves. I need them all to band together now and put me before anything else. Yet, no matter the amount of times I have expressed this, they just go on being negative and nasty. My one wish for Christmas this year, is for my family to all be together and live peacefully. I am going to have my family all together, now if I could just find the right words to express the immediate need for them to coexist in a peaceful manner. I do not think those words even exist.

I did not tell B that my daughter was coming until I knew for sure that she would be here. He always gets so angry and I feared how he would react. I did not tell him until last night when I received confirmation of my daughters arrival on Monday. Needless to say, he was pissed, but what I did not expect was my son to jump all over me and basically say some very mean things to me, in what seemed to be, a collaboration with B. My son does that though, says mean things to me and tends to cuss at me. I may have been wrong for not discussing my daughters arrival with B, but I truly feared his reaction, as he always has a very negative reaction when it comes to my daughter. I just cannot take anymore negativity, damn it!. I NEED peace! I NEED to feel like my family is here for me no matter what! They are all concerned over my daughter doing what she usually does after a few months of settling in. That is, act up and cause drama. I have made it abundantly clear that I cannot tolerate that sort of thing anymore. I can only hope and pray that, this time, she will not resort to her usual tactics. Oh how jealous I am of those who have such a beautifully together and caring family…

I know that each life has to have trials and tribulations. That we only learn from the negative things in life. We cannot make anyone do or act in the way we want them too. We can only control our selves! You have to accept people as they are! However, you do not have to allow things to go on, in your own home, that are detrimental to your survival. We all have choices and consequences to what we choose. Ah, if life could just be as easy as snapping your finger or twitching your nose to achieve peace. That makes me I think of the show, “Bewitched” that I watched back in my childhood. Twitch your nose and the vacuum cleaner goes through the house, chores are done, as you sit comfortably in your chair. Wouldn’t that be something!?!

So here I am…. Wishing and hoping…. If you read this, could you send up a little prayer for me? I would greatly appreciate that, as I also know, that when several people pray for someone, amazing things can happen…

My son would be 27 today…

27 years ago today, I gave birth to my first child. He was three weeks over due, but arrive exactly 7 days before Christmas. I was blessed enough to have known him for 16 1/2 years. Not a year goes by that I do not miss him or become saddened by the fact he is no longer here with me. We shared everything together and he was my one child that would sit and talk to me when I couldn’t sleep. I wish I could just hug him one more time and hear his laughter. He has been gone for 10 1/2 years now and it never stops hurting. Time allows you to have more days that are not saddened by the loss, but it never goes away. At first, when you have a day that you find yourself laughing, you feel so guilty that you could be having fun while your child is gone. I remember that all to well. A smile did not touch my face for a good six months, then when it did one day, I felt horribly guilty. It’s ok to smile, that is what he would want me to do. It takes time to realize that! For me Guilt was the biggest factor in so many emotions I felt. Even though I was no where near him when he died and I could not of changed it, I still felt horribly guilty and that somehow it was my fault! “Maybe if I had been there he would not have gone out with them that day”. Things like that would come across my mind. It took several years for that to ease up and yet I still feel some guilt to this day. “I should of been a better mother”. Or “I should of made him come with me so he would not of been home when his friend came to get him”. That’s a natural thing to feel. Some how, you have to work through the emotions and one day, you will allow yourself to smile or be happy for them. I miss you immensely my son!

My son was born on my sisters birthday. So to this day, I never forget her birthday. When I see on the news of someone loosing a child, I immediately feel horrible for them. Because I know first hand the pain they are going through. I want so badly to be able to tell them it will be ok. But no words comfort you when you loose a child. The one thing that is nice, is to have people talk about him. Even after all these years there are a few people that never forgot about him and recognize him on his birthday and the day he left us all. You fear that they will be forgotten. You fear that you will forget how they looked. But you never do.

After my son died, I immediately put myself into counseling and treatment. I knew I needed help surviving it! I had a wonderful therapist, but the psychiatrist I saw really pissed me off and I didn’t see him again after the one day where he told me to get rid of all my sons things! I guess some people do that, but I could not do that! I spent three years in counseling. I had weekly private session and weekly group session. I saw a different psychiatrist for medication to help stabilize my emotions. To this day, I have a special curio cabinet that is filled with his things and special things for him. It goes with me where ever I go. Strangely, not too long before his death, my son told me that he had wanted to be cremated when ever he died. The accident he was in, was horrible and the car ended up being on fire. They had to identify him from his dental records. Knowing what he had told me, I had him cremated. His Urn is a square shaped piece of marble with a dragon on it with his dates and name. That urn sits on his curio cabinet to this day, as well. Twice a year I take everything out and thoroughly clean it and when I do, it is an emotional rollercoaster. From tears of sadness to laughing at the things he did. Counseling did help me survive and I feel with out a doubt, that I would of ended my life if I had not gone into therapy. I know of several mothers that had killed themselves after loosing a child and a few where even ten years, after the death of there child, when they took their own lives. I had two other children I had to be here for, but in the time, you just want to die. The pain of loosing your child is so great, that dying is the only way you can see to stop the horror of it all and you feel you would be able to be with your child again. I am just glad that I knew I needed to immediately go into counseling and I did just that.

I have been on medication ever since I lost my son. I have always had bouts of depression in my life and I had panic disorder and anxiety before I lost him. I was always afraid of taking medications. I steered clear of them except for ibuprofen. Even struggling for years to survive my bouts of severe panic attacks and agoraphobia without any form of medication to assist me. I was always bull headed and fought onward. Well, until my son died…. I have been through all kinds of illnesses and pain in my life, along with a lot of pretty horrible things that have happened to me. However, I can tell you that loosing your child is by far the worst pain there is! You loose a part of yourself. Your heart breaks and you are never the same again. Much like a part of you had died, because it really has.

I often wonder why I have too keep going through so much pain, trauma and just plain messed up crap. When will it all stop? When will life allow me to have a peaceful calm? It is very difficult to deal with just one thing, when things keep occurring. I have been told to this day that I have not dealt with my sons death yet. I’m really not sure what they mean by that. How do you deal with the loss of a child anyway? Over time, you find more days that you do not cry and you allow life to be life. But when do you actually deal with it? How is that done? It would be nice to have just one area of my life to be calm. I struggle with chronic pain, depression, PTSD, Migraines and anxiety. Being unable to function enough to keep up on the housework or even myself. So, that is mental and physical issues. Then I struggle with never having enough money to make it like a normal person. We eat a dinner once or twice a week. I put everything I have into making sure my grandson has what he needs and then there isn’t anything left to allow us to eat meals, let alone three meals a day. So, that is financial issues. As far as emotional or any type of support system, I do not have one. No one here understands what I have to deal with. No one can understand unless they have experienced it. I am on my own with it all. I know a positive support system can make life a lot more livable. Just give me one area that is good! Support system, financial, emotional, physical or even just someone who can do the things around the house that need to be done. How do you not see that things need to be cleaned or dusted? I don’t get it. All I am asking for is one area that is not a mess, but rather calm and taken care of. Of course, if I didn’t have to suffer in severe chronic pain I would be able to take care of everything else except for the financial end of things. It would be heaven if everyone could just get along and be nice to each other. Ok that’s enough dwelling on the negative.

Time to switch gears and move to the positive side of things. I am up and dressed and my pain has the harsh edge eased so I can sit without crying. That’s a good thing. I may not be able to clean the house, but I can accomplish one task that needs to be done. Now, what task shall I choose today? You must be sure to take it slow and do not over do it. I learn that the hard way. If you feel decent, you want to get anything and everything done that you can, but you will pay for it for days, so don’t do that! Just choose one thing per day. And know that some days, you won’t be able to do anything and that’s OK!

Doctors Visit Today…

Today I saw my Pain management Doctor. I have been in unrelenting increased pain for the last few weeks and had been trying to hold on to this day, in hopes I would obtain some sort of relief. He did change a medication that should give me more relief. I will have it picked up in a couple of hours and give it a try.

I addressed the increased pain and the spreading of the pain, as well as the huge amount of weight I have recently lost. He agreed with me that we needed to check for cancer. So I had several X-rays done before I left the office on my lower back, pelvis and feet. The areas of the greatest pain. I am scheduled for an MRI the day after Christmas and I return to see him at his next opening, which is not until February! He also referred me to a podiatrist to look into the pain in my feet as well as the complete numbness of all my toes. That appointment is in January.

I am unable to sit here much longer, the pain is so overwhelming, so I will make this a short post. I just want to thank you all who read and comment on my posts. I have felt so alone until I came here and found others who suffer, as I do, on a daily basis. You all mean more to me than any words could ever express. Thank you so very much!