It Never Ends…

Now my secondary insurance is saying I do not have full coverage.  So, I still cannot be seen by a psychiatrist because I am poor.  Which is it then?  First they said they don’t cover adults for mental health and now it is that I do not have full coverage.   I pray my general doctor will do the letter that my pain doctor needs and continue to prescribe my panic medication…

On top of that, the CDC has issued new rules on Opioid medication.  They do not want anyone to have opioid medication, even the chronic pain community.  Many have already had their meds reduced or completely taken away, leaving them in horrendous pain.  The CDC says this is to combat the overdose deaths, but those are actually happening with addicts and heroin.  They categorize heroin in with all prescribed opioids.  A hospital in Boston has already stopped giving opioid medication after surgery!  WTF!  Can you imagine not getting any form of help with the excruciating pain?  People with chronic pain conditions are being left, dropped by doctors.  Unable to work anymore due to this and many have killed themselves.  With NO hope of obtaining any form of relief from never ending pain, that seems to be the only option left.  There will be a huge increase in suicides as this progresses on.  Just do a search for “opioid epidemic or CDC opioids” you will see for yourself what I am referring to.  Doctors never give enough medication to really cover the pain as it is…

This year has been extremely difficult for me.  My pain is worse and spread to other areas.  My panic disorder has been very troublesome.  I am having to use a cane most of the time.  If I never had to stand, walk or bend; I would have less pain.  But, my wheelchair doesn’t fit in the doorways inside my house.  I need a power chair that will fit.  Hell, I need a lot of things, but no money to obtain them.  I need one of those small circle shower chairs and something to holed my shower head lower.  Showering is so painful, that I have not done it in 9 days now.  Yeah I know-Gross, but I do give myself a sponge bath daily.  Though, my hair need to be cleaned…

For me, even sitting has become painful.  I don’t know what to do anymore.  I already have to bring a thick foam cushion to sit on everywhere I go.  I feel like my entire back side of the pelvic bone plus both hips are being crushed inward.  The pain engulfs my butt cheeks as well, then it goes down my left leg (feels like a brain freeze after eating something frozen fast) and both my feet constantly feel like they are being crushed – but the outside area is completely numb.  The left side of my neck has never stopped hurting since I was beat.  I now have a lot of weakness in my left leg too.  I am unable to do much of anything and what I do get done is always from a padded chair on wheels.  I had to choose between toilet paper or toothpaste this month.  I only have a small amount of money to buy things I need every month and always having to choose between things I NEED!!!

My parents came up here from Florida and took me on their trip to Northern ILLINOIS to see my brother & sister and their families.  I am so grateful I got to see them all, since I know it will be the last time I get too.  I thought laying down in the back seat would help keep my pain lower, but it did not.  Most of the trip I was in tremendous pain.  The trip is normally 15-16 hours if you drive straight there, but my parents needed to stop driving by 4pm every day, so we stopped over at hotels twice to get there.  On the way back home, we stopped over night once.  I did get to see my grandson for an hour, which was very nice.  We left here on the 18th and returned here on the 26th.  

The neighbor gave us a gas oven, since mine hasn’t worked in two years, but it is missing the power cord and my father said it looked bad at the connection.  So, we continue on without an oven.  Story of my life, disappointed after disappointment………….

A Lost Soul….

I never thought I would be here going on 47 years old!  I work and built a great life, then my son died and my husband left and everything went to hell!  I lost a part of me when my son died and my husband chose drugs and cheating over the family we had…

Then, I thought I found true love again, but he was just a lie.  He pretended for almost 3 years to be the perfect guy.  How does someone do that for so long?  His real self came out and I spent years with a liar, thief and just a plain crappy person, because I married him.  He was too young and he left while I was fighting for my life.  I often wish I had died then!  

For 2 years now I have been alone, though I prefer being just me over being with a shitty man.  I feel lonely often, not lonely for a man in my life, but just a friend.  It seems everyone here is either an alcoholic or on drugs.  With my chronic pain, panic, anxiety and agoraphobia I have become a hermit in my home.  No vehicle or money, so I am stuck here anyway…

How did I get here?  I did everything right!  I chose shitty be in my life.  I know going to live with my parents is best for me, but at the same time I feel like I am loosing so much.  I will be able to eat right there and I will actually get to go out and do things.  I have to find a doctor willing to take me on and all my problems and not change my meds!  

I just don’t know why I am even here.  I spend every moment in pain and misery.  Why the heck didn’t I die two years ago?  There has to be a reason!  No one deserves to live on this much pain and misery and be alone…  

Feeling All Sorts of Miserable…

The depression is in full swing. Spending the last week in increasing torturous pain, has brought out the depression cloud. I don’t even like being around me! I am Miserable!

1: being in a pitiable state of distress or unhappiness (as from want or shame)
2. a : wretchedly inadequate or meager
b : causing extreme discomfort or unhappiness

3: being likely to discredit or shame

Yes, the definition hits it right on the head. I am in a state of distress and unhappiness, which I am sure is pitiable! After all, I sure do pity misled right now. Also, I feel extreme discomfort. More like extreme torture!

I have not showered in a week, yes, I know how gross that is. I am trying to force myself to shower tonight. That would be the main sign of being severely depressed too. I will have to pull out the shower chair, since the pain is too much to bear standing. Oh how that makes me feel so worthless. I want to be by myself in complete silence. Every single thing has me irritated and I do not want to take it out on my precious grandson or anyone for that matter. Now that the depression cloud is fully out and raining upon my soul, all the horrible things in life have now come front and center for my viewing.
Things like: How my oldest son died at age 16 back in 2003 and the Holidays have sucked since then. I miss him so much and even after ten years it still stings. I miss his laugh and the way he would always talk to me. We were close and the closer you are, the harder you fall when they are gone. I spent the first six months in bed, then another six months wandering around without a soul. I lost a piece of my heart that day and I have Never been the same!
Having to live none stop with severe chronic pain and feeling so helpless!
Or the fact my daughter is going on 25 and cannot seem to get the party out of her while her son is, however, safe here in my home. We don’t get along and cannot live together. I have rules, basic ones actually. Like no coming in all hours of the night, no being drunk and obnoxious, no hitting your mother and no saying horrible things to your mother. She likes to drink and she becomes quite the obnoxious jerk when she does. But, I do miss her. I see all my friends from high school and they have great kids and real relationships with their adult children. I get jealous! I bet their daughters never told them that she couldn’t wait for them to die so she could piss on their grave.
My youngest son is insulin dependent diabetic and an alcoholic who says horrible things just like his father always did. He lives with me. He refuses to take care of his diabetes and I see the signs of all kinds of organs beginning to die. Knowing I will loose another child in the not so distance future. Oh how I wish I would of left his father back when he was young, instead of being terrified of how I would make it without the drunken bastard. Maybe then he would, at the least, be a kind person.
Being here in the state of Georgia with no other family anywhere near here. That gets me often. I grew up being close to my family. I had three sisters and a brother and both my parents. When my father took a job in Georgia and moved there from IL, I was getting divorced from my first husband and had no where to live, so I moved to GA a few months after they did. We always got together on weekends, while we were all still living near each other. Played games and ate dinner together. That hasn’t happened since the year of 1991!
My one and only Best friend, since the age of 10, is in Southern, IL and I miss her so very much. After the divorce from hubby number 2, I had to move back to GA from there, where I had a house to live in. So, yes, I feel very alone all the time. As if the phrase, “Out of sight, out of mind” is so very true for my family.
All the horrible things my ex husband did, my sister died of cancer at age 40 and let’s not forget how broke I am and there is hardly a thing to eat around here too! I am so sick of my stomach growling and cramping and trying to find something to eat!
I know, poor poor you…. But that’s how it is in mind lately. When depression comes out in full force, everything negative comes with it! These things have all always been there, yet when your in a state of severe depression, it is like you cannot think of anything else. I don’t want to think about any of it. I want to be quiet and rest, but I have a sick mind. I have had problems with depression my entire life and the older I get, along with the more and more crap that happens to me, it has become seriously out of control when it shows it’s ugly little head. I take medication and have for well over a decade. For several years I have not had a full blown severe depression episode, but rather, small little visits to depression and back out again. Now adding in the severe chronic pain and I have something I have never experienced before. I have experienced both things individually, but not all at once since the chronic pain began. I want so badly to just sleep! The only peace I can find is in my sleep. I am not crying in pain when I can finally find sleep. I am not hiding in my bedroom and thinking negative thoughts, when I am asleep. But, it is hard to find sleep. The pain and agitation prevent me from finding it more often than not. I go in 8 days for my meds appointment for my Depressioon, anxiety and panic Disorders. I can assume that they will probably increase my dose for the severe depression. I take Effexor and have been on that for a few years now. Before that I was on Paxil for years. I had tried just about every medication for depression there is in all these years, before I found one that worked.

I just read through this post and all I can think now is, “You are Pathetic!” My sick mind in all of its glory. I am going to attempt to shower now, good thing you can’t smell me…..