Going Down…

I seem to be continuing to go down hill.  The intractable chronic pain just keeps getting worse.  I am barely able to do the basic clean up of the kitchen and what I do get done, is ALWAYS from my padded chair on wheels.  I am tired of constantly suffering.  Feeling like I am being tortured day after day.  I do not have a support system at all.  I need help, but there is none.  The pain just makes the depression worse…

I had my 3 month visit with my pain management nurse practitioner.  I asked about radio frequency ablation and they do that there.  First, you have to have a block done to the area to see if it will actually help, before they do the ablation.  Now I wait a couple of weeks for my insurance to authorize the block, then I will be scheduled, most likely in September sometime.  If the block helps the area, then they will schedule the radio frequency ablation.  That is where they use radio frequency to basically kill the nerve, but the nerve will regrow. One can expect 3 months up to 3 years of relief.  I have so many areas that need to be addressed, but first we are doing the two main nerves that run on each side of the lower back.  Since they never listened to me for over five years about my feet going numb and then the pain there too, even if they were able to uncompress those nerves. It has been so long, that I wouldn’t regain the feeling in my feet.  I just want the damn crushing pain to stop!  I get to upset at the fact they never listen to me.  It didn’t show in the MRI’s, I had to have painful nerve conduction testing done and yet they still have done nothing with that.  I said I need to have an MRI with contrast, because they are missing way too much.  I will push for that in December I guess…

I honestly can not keep doing this!  7 years of this painful hell!  The pain gets worse and spreads every year.  I cannot be on my feet walking, standing or bending without horrid crushing pain from hell.  I have NO life!  Now I can’t even do the basic chores that need to be done.  I find myself begging God to take me in my sleep and end my living hell.  I wish I could sleep, but I am lucky to even do that at night.  Sleep is my only escape and the only place I have a life, in my dreams.  I have struggled with depression my entire life and I have battled Panic disorder for over 22 years now.  Taking a shower is extremely painful.  I need a small shower chair that will fit in there, but I have no money for anything I need.  I force myself to shower once a week, that is all I can take.  I am hungry and of course there is not one thing healthy to eat here.  Every month the same food costs even more…

There is NO joy in my life, just pain and suffering.  I just want to be done with this life.  All of the things I have lived through, for what!  My birthday was last Tuesday, now I am 48 years old.  I feel 90.   Even sitting on my thick pillow is painful anymore.  Why…. Why must of be left to suffer!  If only I had the courage just to end it all., but I don’t.  How anyone can say that someone is a coward or took the easy way out, when they take their own life, really hasn’t got a clue………….

Why Me?

My life has been full of so many negative things, I cannot help but think, “Why Me?” When things go wrong…

I woke today to increased pain in my lumbar spine and tailbone. Mind you, I have pain 24/7, but this was even more intense than my usual pain. I still pushed forward and was in a good mood. It takes a lot of positive thoughts to get me to the point of a decent mood, yet I try to achieve this every day and often fail miserably. I was careful not to do anything to effect the level of pain I was already in. I was only up a matter for two hours when the mail came. I opened a letter that I had been waiting for, and then the stress over took me. Me being an honest person and following the rules, I reported the back child support I was receiving for the next few weeks, so they had terminated the extra help I was getting to cover my deductible and co insurance. The problem is the deductible and co insurance now comes to more than the small amount I will be receiving for the short time to come. I am always struggling. Trying to find ways to have food to eat and the things we all need to survive. Keeping my mind occupied is one of the few things I can do to keep my pain from overwhelming me to the point of suicide. Which is very hard to do with no money. I don’t know what I am going to do! I need my medications, I am on nine different medications for several disorders and health conditions. I am scared and so very tired of struggling to survive. I have my three year old grandson and I do not receive any help from his parents for the things he needs. He always comes first no matter what. Which is how I have lost over 40 pounds, lack of food for me.

So the stress and worry brought my anxiety levels up, my pain levels even higher and the panic attacks came full force. Why do I struggle and fight so hard to get through each and every day only to keep having crap thrown at me? What do I do in January when I cannot pay full price for my prescriptions until my deductible is met? I won’t be able to get my prescriptions and most of them come with a mountain of problems when stopped. And you can surely forget about Christmas! So Yes, Why Me?!!! I’m tired of this life! With its panic, anxiety, pain, depression and excessive worry. I really do not think I can keep doing this life. I have pushed and made it another ten years since my son died and had even more problems added to my plate. I guess when the time comes and I become very ill, I will have an easier time choosing to leave. What can one person possible tolerate before they just cannot push forward anymore!?!

There it is, today’s added stress. My head is throbbing, yet I am still here. My panic and anxiety have a death grip upon me. My pain is overwhelming in its self. I miss my son! I wish it could all be like it was the year before he died. When I ran my own business and made enough money to never worry about food or anything we needed. I wasn’t in pain then either. And most importantly, my son was still alive!

Out of No Where, I became crippled in pain…

I was having a decent day, until the evening. Out of no where I was crippled in horrible pain. From my lower back, through my left hip, down my left leg, into my left knee and into my left foot to the big toe. It felt like a ice cream headache or brain freeze in the bones! Ugh! Crying I fetched the heating pack and placed it on me. I spent an hour trying to wait it out in hopes it would ease off. Finally, I want to bed with the heat pack. Laying there thinking I would not go to sleep due to the throbbing bone pain, but I did finally fall asleep for about an hour. I woke up and still had the bone pain, but it had eased off some. I have been sitting here for over an hour wishing it would just stop already! I have taken additional meds and I am praying I can go back to sleep soon.

This really sucks! So tired of it happening. How long do you wait before you finally say, I guess the rest of my life is going to be like this! It has been three years for me now. I do not want to live this way. Through pain management and medications I have been able to pretty much stay out of the wheelchair and at least walk around a bit. Yet, ever day is filled with pain and some are so horrible, like tonight! I just do not know what to do anymore. I wish my pain management doctor would try something else to see if it would help my pain levels. I had over a dozen epidural steroid injections that did nothing for my pain. They kept telling me that there are other things to try, but we haven’t tried anything else! I am feeling like giving up and not fighting through every day if my life to stay alive. Yet, I don’t want to not be here for my grandson. When life is such a huge struggle every single day, it becomes more of a burden than a joy.

I spend two hours every day when I wake up trying to get my pain under enough control so I can walk out of my room and sit in the living room. Then I usually end up back in my room because the pain is just too much after another two hours. Sometimes I have to take naps. Sometimes I have to be in total peace and quiet. It is a constant struggle to just live. Then throw in the panic, agoraphobia, anxiety and depression… The fact I have no support system or a loving and caring person that tells me it will be ok or tries to help me out. I need a full body massage. All the knotted up places need to be worked out. Then I need to soak in a hot tub and flush my body with water. Then rest for a 24 hour period after. If I had the money I would schedule a massage for one hour, then pay for a hydrotherapy session and come home and rest in bed for a full day. Something, anything to reset the deep torturous pain! But alas, I have no funds……. Money may not buy happiness, but it sure can make life a whole heck of a lot easier!

I just don’t understand men…

So my Significant Other (S0) has always told me that my weight does not change how he feels about me, but I was not getting any attention when I was over a certain weight. Now that I am under that weight, he is back to not wanting me to go anywhere without him, has to know everything I do and actually pays some attention to me. His statement was always this, “You are still you no matter what you weight and I love you!” I see now that is NOT true. So superficial! 😒

When i wake in the morning I always spend about ten minutes with my thoughts. I have been waking with random songs in my head lately. So today I decided to play the song in my head on YouTube. “You keep on pushing my love over the borderline”. I had not heard or seen that video since the 80’s. So that got me thinking about how my ‘SO’ has been acting. 👿

In the beginning of our relationship, he was glued to me and was overly worried about my health and well being. That lasted for a year, then he began to be more his normal self. Which is a lying jerk actually. Turns out he lied to get me to pay attention to him while I was in one of the darkest times of my life. He manipulated me and I fell for it, because I was desperate for attention. However, every man I have ever been with does this! They shower me with attention and sex and then a year or so later it goes away. I like to have sex often, but after a year or so every man dwindles down to once a month! I asked my second husband why this occurred and he said it was because he could have sex anytime he wanted so he didn’t think about it anymore. What is with that? To me sex is the ultimate attention. I love it. I hear men complain all the time that their ‘SO’ doesn’t ever want to have sex. Yet I have the opposite problem. They always do it often for a year or so then dwindle off. I know relationships are super exciting in the beginning and I myself love that feeling, but I just wanted to get married once and stay with that person until I died so I never had to worry about a disease and could have sex when ever I wanted. Wait a minute, maybe it’s not a challenge anymore with me since I want to do it all the time. Maybe that is why they always dwindle off in the amount of sex. A year or two of sex anywhere and everywhere and they get to do anything they ever wanted to do. Hmmm, that must be it! I need to refuse sex, then I might get it more. 😈

I was married the first time at age 16, because I was pregnant. That marriage ended after 4/5 years because he was a drunk and while I was at work and he was watching our two kids, he would leave them alone asleep in our apartment and go do things like start dumpster fires or shoot out the lights in the building. He was crazy and I didn’t know it because I was young and stupid! When the officer called me at work and told me if I left my kids with him one more time they would take them away from me, I kicked him out and filed for divorce. 😡
Marriage two, I was with him for five years and a kid later before I would even marry him. He kept bugging me to get married so I did after five years! We were together for a total of 16 years and he decided doing drugs and screwing women at work was what he wanted. So, when he came to get some of his stuff after not coming home for several days, I kicked him out and filed for divorce! He was also a drunk! 😪
I insisted I would not even date another alcoholic and I didn’t. But that is when the much younger lying man entered my life. He is not a drunk, nope. After a year of him being everything I always wanted he decided he wanted to get married and we did, then it all went down hill! It was like he took the list of all I wanted in a man and made himself be that for a year. Once he married me he stopped being that man, because it wasn’t the real him. I am done with men, I am staying married until I die no matter what and that is it!😔

Sorry for my random thoughts on things. I always start at point A and then randomly go off the chart to other points. My thoughts come so fast that it’s like a winding roller coaster! The point is I have been married three times and have been with a few men, yet I still just don’t understand how men think at all. Or should I say don’t think…lol! I know women are needy and attention loving people, but I know men like the attention as well, so you would think it would work out well. One thing is for sure, I do NOT need a keeper. I am 44 years old and I can take care of myself. If you cannot be there for me fully in my darkest hour, then you should not be there reaping the rewards of me in my brightest! But, I do not want to ever deal with another man or have to date or risk getting a disease, so this is it for me! I have been around the block too many times and I have now realized the block is always the same, so why go around that block yet another time! Nope, not for me! I just have to learn to accept it all as it is and find a way to be alright with it! 😏

The Aftermath from Panic…

This is the day after the major Panic episode. I have calmed down and I do not feel panicky, but I have not come out of my room at all today. Isolation! This happens after a major episode often, but it is really bad today because after the Panic last night, my son decided to go off on me.

That’s right, my adult son who lives with me, has a drinking problem and plays video games decided that was a good time to tell me how he and his girlfriend were fooling around in his bedroom while he was supposed to be watching my grandson. My grandson is three years old. I guess he was watching TV and they decided it was ok to mess around since he was occupied. He became enraged when I stated my annoyance over the fact he was not being responsible by doing that while he was to be watching his nephew. Because I said he was not responsible and it was not the right thing to do, he went off! He felt I was saying how horrible he was. He said every time he tries to talk to me I don’t listen to him or share in his stories like I did with my oldest son until he died. I then was screamed and cussed at for some time. I explained why it bothered me and it did not matter. He just kept on. I told him he needed to leave my home if he was going to talk to me that way, all he had to say to that was, that he would love to see me try to get an eviction when I do not have the money. So my night was horrible! I was able to calm down once he left me alone and I went to bed. I stay hidden in my bedroom in my own home because of him and it is just NOT RIGHT!

Everyone says to kick him out. I have twice in the past. I have come to the point in this, that I feel everyone would be better off if he was not here anymore. I cannot tolerate that sort of behavior. He used to do this to me often, then when his sister left, he did much better. At first I thought he must be drunk, but he was not drunk, yet! Then I figured it had to do with his diabetes. He is insulin dependent and does not take care of it, at all. He is on an insulin pump. He became Insulin Dependent Diabetic at age 9 when a virus attacked his pancreas. Things have been going off for a while now with him mentally. The drinking and not taking care of himself has caught up to him. When he was young and I took care of it all for him, he did great. Then he became a teenager that was much to big for me to control and full of anger. I worry about him, yet I know I cannot live like this anymore. He has no where else to go. His father has nothing to do with him. His girlfriends mother kicked them both out when they lived up their with her. He helps out with my grandson. I need help because of my severe chronic pain and some days I cannot get out of bed. But I will say this, I am feeling I can figure it out if need be. I MUST have Peace in my OWN Home!

I envy the people I went to school with that have nice children. Their kids show them respect. My kids were all three raised the same. One had respect, one only cared about herself ever and one that goes both ways, however rarely is respectful towards me. I would never speak you parents the way two of mine have and do speak to me. Som elf the most hurtful things I have ever heard came out of their mouths! I did finally get to the point of no return with my daughter and I have not let her come back home and she is never allowed to come back home. She begged me to get her son, for the second time, over a year ago when she took off for a month. I went and got him, but refused to allow he back. So I do know that I can do it. I took a lot of hell from my daughter and repeatedly took her back home until I got to the point, that I am now, and said NO MORE! No matter how much you love your children, you can only allow to be abused so much. Oh how I wish I had a daughter that was my friend now as an adult and we did things together. But she chose drugs and drugs are what always made her evil. Drugs and alcohol! How I wish my son would take care of his health, stop drinking and respect me as I do my mother. The rate he is going, he won’t make it to old age.

I chose to write a blog to express my feelings and the issues I go through. To get them out there and maybe someone else would benefit from it all. My cousin says I am brave to share so much. I do not feel brave, I feel like a trapped glowing soul full of life. Trapped under the layers of despair and abuse. Trapped in a shell of Panic, Anxiety, Depression and severe chronic pain. There is ONE reason I am here……. My grandson! If not for m, I would not be here right now. I would of left a long long time ago…

Here we go again, on the Panic train…

Here I am, in the midst of a round of Panic and Anxiety and excessive Worry! I just can’t seem to completely stay away from it. Something always has to kick it into overdrive. How can I be so smart yet so frail and crazy! I don’t know anyone personally who has the severe Panic attacks like I do, but I have seen others who come close online. I know I feel like I must be one of the craziest people alive though.

Over all these years I learned that I could not get any control of my Panic and Anxiety by living with time in my life. How do you not live with time in your life? Well, you have to not look at the time and not be effected by time. It took a few years, but I found a way to make it work for the most part. Instead of freaking out for days or even weeks before an appointment, I now just freak out for the 24 hour period before the appointment. When I schedule an appointment, I put it in my calendar and I forget about it. I then, on Sundays, review what the coming week has in store for me. I note what day of that week I have an appointment. I am able to not really think about it, until the day before the appointment. That’s when I have to plan for it and get things ready for it. Then I am consumed in worry, fear, panic and anxiety. It’s a lot better than spending days or even every single day of my life in that state. So in the 24 hours before my appointment I begin to get agitated! Then I notice my mind will be racing over all sorts of things. From having to be around people I don’t know, to possibly having to wait to long and sitting, which hurts so bad due to my tailbone and hips being in chronic never ending pain. I get sweaty hands, racing heart, my teeth clench, my face gets tight, my lips go numb, then my extremities go numb and so on. I know I am worrying about things I do not need to worry about and I tell myself over and over again that it is not worth all this and to just stop it, but I can’t. My mind will not stop! I will not be able to sleep that night unless I take double my sleeping meds and even then I will sleep a couple of hours. Of course, all of that causes my pain to sky rocket, like it wasn’t already horrible enough!

This will happen to me not just for appointments where I have to go somewhere, but also if someone is scheduled to come to my house that I do not know. Which is why I am freaking out severely tonight. A man is scheduled to come here in the morning. My pain is horrible in the morning. I can barely stand to move the six feet I have to move when I get up just to take my meds. I don’t know this person and talking to him on the phone sent off an alarm in my head. The alarm says something isn’t right. From past experiences I know I need to follow my gut instinct. My gut is now screaming or it’s my head, because now I am not sure if it is my gut instinct or my Panic disorder. It’s yelling, ” NO, Cancel! It is not needed! You do not have to do it so don’t do it!” Now I cannot stop the roller coaster of pure hell my mind is dishing out to me. I CANNOT keep this appointment. I HAVE to cancel! It will not stop until I cancel the appointment. Even then, it will not completely go away until I sleep, when ever I can find sleep again! So, now I definitely must cancel the appointment. Because I won’t make it if I don’t. I will be in the ER with my body rock hard and retracted, yet paralyzed! So, how do I cancel the appointment? Do I call and be honest? How do I do that? Hello, I have to cancel our appointment tomorrow because I have severe panic disorder and I am freaking out so badly that I just cannot keep the appointment. Yeah right! I can’t even make the call. I am so freaked out, I cannot do it! Which is why I feel completely worthless right now. Physically and emotionally… What a life!

Right now, I feel sick to my stomach, I have a pounding headache, my body is tense so my pain is even worse than it normally is which is a 7/8 every day of my life, but now it is off the chart. I am taking in deep slow breaths. I am telling myself to relax. My hands are shaking and sweating, my heart is racing! I feel my lips tingling and my arms going numb. I have taken my anxiety medication, but it takes a good hour for it to work. It works longer than what I was on all the other years, but takes so darn long to work. Because where I live now will not prescribe the medication I was on for years, that works fast. I am in complete silence and secluded from the others. I want to go to bed because the pain and the panic is just to much for me. But I have to get that appointment cancelled.

You know all the years that I had the panic, anxiety and depression without this chronic pain was hard enough. Now I have the pain from hell on top of the messed up mental crap. I have spent six months at a time not able to leave my home because of the panic disorder. From 1995 – 2001 every other year like clock work I would be trapped in my home, unable to leave and felt sick like I had the flu 24/7 for six month each time. Then 2001 I still had the panic come for six months, but I was able to walk outside and be in a comfortable distance from my home. When it all began in 1995 I couldn’t even handle being home alone. I had to have someone else with me. Crazy! So now, 18 years later, I still have severe attacks of Panic and some Agoraphobia issues. I rarely leave my house. Although now, I can go to the store once a month and not freak out so bad as soon as I walk into the store. I don’t drive! I take my medications regularly and I go to the store when I HAVE to while my medication is in full effect keeping me calm. I have to say, it has been a while since I have freaked out this bad. Because I don’t go anywhere and I am on meds and I live basically without time and keep to myself, while doing all I can to occupy my mind! What a fragile line my mind has. The line between comfort and relaxation to the other side where fear, worry, terror and panic live.

Just when I thought I had an alright handle on the Panic Disorder, it attacks out of no where and slams me to the ground while laughing at me!