The Aftermath from Panic…

This is the day after the major Panic episode. I have calmed down and I do not feel panicky, but I have not come out of my room at all today. Isolation! This happens after a major episode often, but it is really bad today because after the Panic last night, my son decided to go off on me.

That’s right, my adult son who lives with me, has a drinking problem and plays video games decided that was a good time to tell me how he and his girlfriend were fooling around in his bedroom while he was supposed to be watching my grandson. My grandson is three years old. I guess he was watching TV and they decided it was ok to mess around since he was occupied. He became enraged when I stated my annoyance over the fact he was not being responsible by doing that while he was to be watching his nephew. Because I said he was not responsible and it was not the right thing to do, he went off! He felt I was saying how horrible he was. He said every time he tries to talk to me I don’t listen to him or share in his stories like I did with my oldest son until he died. I then was screamed and cussed at for some time. I explained why it bothered me and it did not matter. He just kept on. I told him he needed to leave my home if he was going to talk to me that way, all he had to say to that was, that he would love to see me try to get an eviction when I do not have the money. So my night was horrible! I was able to calm down once he left me alone and I went to bed. I stay hidden in my bedroom in my own home because of him and it is just NOT RIGHT!

Everyone says to kick him out. I have twice in the past. I have come to the point in this, that I feel everyone would be better off if he was not here anymore. I cannot tolerate that sort of behavior. He used to do this to me often, then when his sister left, he did much better. At first I thought he must be drunk, but he was not drunk, yet! Then I figured it had to do with his diabetes. He is insulin dependent and does not take care of it, at all. He is on an insulin pump. He became Insulin Dependent Diabetic at age 9 when a virus attacked his pancreas. Things have been going off for a while now with him mentally. The drinking and not taking care of himself has caught up to him. When he was young and I took care of it all for him, he did great. Then he became a teenager that was much to big for me to control and full of anger. I worry about him, yet I know I cannot live like this anymore. He has no where else to go. His father has nothing to do with him. His girlfriends mother kicked them both out when they lived up their with her. He helps out with my grandson. I need help because of my severe chronic pain and some days I cannot get out of bed. But I will say this, I am feeling I can figure it out if need be. I MUST have Peace in my OWN Home!

I envy the people I went to school with that have nice children. Their kids show them respect. My kids were all three raised the same. One had respect, one only cared about herself ever and one that goes both ways, however rarely is respectful towards me. I would never speak you parents the way two of mine have and do speak to me. Som elf the most hurtful things I have ever heard came out of their mouths! I did finally get to the point of no return with my daughter and I have not let her come back home and she is never allowed to come back home. She begged me to get her son, for the second time, over a year ago when she took off for a month. I went and got him, but refused to allow he back. So I do know that I can do it. I took a lot of hell from my daughter and repeatedly took her back home until I got to the point, that I am now, and said NO MORE! No matter how much you love your children, you can only allow to be abused so much. Oh how I wish I had a daughter that was my friend now as an adult and we did things together. But she chose drugs and drugs are what always made her evil. Drugs and alcohol! How I wish my son would take care of his health, stop drinking and respect me as I do my mother. The rate he is going, he won’t make it to old age.

I chose to write a blog to express my feelings and the issues I go through. To get them out there and maybe someone else would benefit from it all. My cousin says I am brave to share so much. I do not feel brave, I feel like a trapped glowing soul full of life. Trapped under the layers of despair and abuse. Trapped in a shell of Panic, Anxiety, Depression and severe chronic pain. There is ONE reason I am here……. My grandson! If not for m, I would not be here right now. I would of left a long long time ago…