Post-Op Day 3…

Everyone said I would feel better by day three. NOT! I feel worse today than I have since the surgery. I am completely exhausted. I took a shower, which took forever to complete. I could not keep my eyes open after the shower so I had to go right back to bed. I have felt very sick since my shower as well. I am unable to think clearly and I feel like I have been in a major car accident. Every time I cough it sends stabbing pains into my gut. I still have the non-stop pain in my shoulders as if I have swords stabbed down into them and straight into my abdomen.

My belly is more and more black colored. I will get a new picture each night, but the one attached here is from last night and it is covering a much larger area now and it is very dark. I have barely ate, but my mother makes sure I eat something small every day. I can’t seem to taste anything now. My throat is sore too. That started last night. I wake every single hour of the night and have to crawl out of bed and go to the bathroom, which causes all kinds of pain. I finally passed some gas in the middle of The night last night. I have no clue when I will actually have a bowel movement. For the most part I am just staying in bed. I walk from the bedroom to the living room three times a day to aid in the passing of gas. Every time I stand up the hearing in my right ear goes completely out for several minutes, then returns to normal. I feel like I am dying from a severe illness and pain.

All I went through prior to surgery to make sure everyone knew all about my chronic pain and my panic disorder, so I would not be left to suffer and end up in a panic attack that would cause me more pain and problems. I was promised over and over that I would not be left to suffer and my chart was flagged. In the end, I was left to suffer, yelled at and nothing was done to prevent the panic attack which caused all the bruising and bleeding in my abdomen. My one set of incisions out of five is still seeping as well. They told me I would see a pain management doctor before I was sent home and I never saw one. They told me I had to pass gas before I was allowed to go home and I didn’t until last night. They told me from day one that I had to stay two nights in the hospital, but once they screwed up and caused me all the added problems they couldn’t get me out of there fast enough. I am so tired of this kind of crap happening to me. When I am able to think clearly I will sit down and write a letter to a few people in regards to what happened to me even though I did all I could do in order to prevent it from happening. If anything, maybe it will help someone else one day down the road.

For me, right now, life is all about sleeping and waking with pain. Getting out of bed to use the bathroom and going back to bed without falling over. I cannot seem to get enough to drink either. I am wobbly and Unstable………….

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Post Surgery, Radical Hysterectomy with both ovaries and tubes removed…

I had a Radical Hysterectomy on Monday June 30th. I don’t even remember going into the OR, I just remember saying good bye to my mom then waking up in recovery. I was in horrendous pain. They refused to give me the only thing that touched the pain, saying that when they gave it to me my respiration went down to six per minute. Then I was just left there. I was told they were trying to get a room for me, but couldn’t find one. WTH!?! I had this scheduled for a while, how is there no room. I was left for several hours in torturous pain and I was not even given any of my normal medications while I was left there. I made sure everyone was aware of my chronic pain, depression and panic disorder prior to my surgery! Since they did not prevent the pain or my panic, I ended up in a full blown panic attack which wrenched up my abdomen in all kinds of ways. I pulled stitches and still have a set that are bleeding two days later. My stomach swelled up like I am pregnant with the right side much larger than the left.

I was sent home from the hospital the next day even though the said they would not send me home if I was in pain and that I had to pass gas, which I still have not done. To date that was the most torturous thing I have ever went through, just add it to the list.

I am still in way too much pain and I feel very sick. I am sleeping short spells then the pain makes me get up. I came home from the hospital with a prescription for 10 mg more of the medication I am already on. Needless to say, that is not doing much for me. Every time I wake up I pray I will Hurt less. It has been two days now. Maybe tomorrow will be better. I should of made them all write a plan on how they were going to manage my pain before I had the surgery, instead of trusting in them.

I am also having spells of crying. More joy! All of which, cause my belly to hurt even more! I will try to write more tomorrow and I hope this all makes sense, because I feel like I do not make sense.

Abandonment Issues…..

My whole life I have feared being abandoned. Well before I ever was abandoned by anyone. I have always felt and known things. As a child, I firmly believed in the after life and reincarnation and so on…. So much so, that after years some of my siblings and even my mother believed in it as well. My gut has never been wrong. In my early teens, I wondered why I always feared being abandoned, when no one had ever abandoned me in my life. Then in 2006, I was abandoned for the first time. My then husband left and we lost everything that I spent years working for. I can see why someone would fear that, once it has happened to them. So why have I fear abandonment my whole life then? Was it my gut telling me that it would come to pass one day? My gut has never steered me wrong, but I sure could of used all those years prior, not worrying about what was going to happen when I was 36/37 years old. Since the first encounter of abandonment, I have had it happen again. Though, my husband this time did come back. What am I supposed to learn from this? We repeat things in our lives until we learn from them! I fear being alone and have made some poor choices in my life in order to not be alone. Maybe that is what I am supposed to learn…….

Ever since the birth of my first child, I have had some serious emotions. I started crying to commercials and movies, etc. I am that way to this day! I even cried to an episode of The Simpsons once. Earlier this evening I watched the most recent episode of the new show,” Witches of East Wind” and it brought back a lot of abandonment issues for me. Thinking about how it felt when I was abandoned! Tears quickly filled my eyes. I found myself feeling all the emotions as if it had just happened to me, again. I had thought I had dealt with it all and moved on with life in that area, but I obviously still have issues with it, otherwise, I would not break down like I did. I wish there was a book somewhere that told you how to deal with things that happen to you…

They tell me I have never dealt with my sons death. How do I deal with that? Where does it list the steps that you take to deal with things that greatly affect you? When my son died, I looked for information on the stages of grief. Well, it was a few weeks after he died. I wanted to know what the heck was happening to me. We all experience the stages of grief, though some experience it in a different order and time…… The Five Stages of Grief and loss: Denial and Isolation, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.

Denial: Usually our first reaction to the loss of something we’re attached to, is denial. Denial is a response to the shock or disbelief of an event and is commonly employed as a coping mechanism.

Anger: This stage of grief is probably the cause of the most pain from grief. Anger can cause deep and sometimes permanent wounds that are totally unnecessary.

Bargaining: This is as strange a grief behavior as Denial. It’s where we try to make deals to gain back what we lost. In the cycle of dealing with grief, bargaining can occur before or after a loss. It is characterized by guilt, “What if” and “If only” statements and entertaining the idea that the loss can be changed or avoided.

Depression: A psychological side effect of loss is depression. Depression can be characterized by having sleeping troubles a loss of appetite, mood fluctuations or sadness

Acceptance: Accepting the loss is the final stage, and it indicates that you have come to the end of the mourning period. You will know that the grieving process is over, once you have worked through the associated emotional pain, have adjusted to differences, and moved on with your life.

You can find more information at http://www.livestrong.com/article/158796-explain-the-five-stages-of-the-grieving-process/

I thought I had accepted it all, but I guess I do not know how to actually do that. I know my son is gone and I won’t see him again until I also cross over. The stages of Grief are not only for when someone dies, but when you loose anything. It could be your job or your marriage. The closer your are and the deeper you love the person or place or even thing, the harder that loss is.

Beautiful weather today, but pain is intense…

Today has been absolutely gorgeous! 77 degrees with a nice breeze. I just love the Fall and temperatures in the 70’s, but for some reason my pain goes through the roof at the same time. I still have the A/C on because it’s going to be 90 again in the next couple of days and it gets a bit to warm in the late afternoon which heats the house up too much. However, the issue is the fact that every year my pain gets so bad in Fall that I end up in a wheel chair. This does not make sense to me. The beautiful weather should help keep my pain to a minimum. It’s not rainy or cloudy out so it has nothing to do with that. The pressure is good. For the last few years my pain has been so bad that I have been in a wheelchair for Halloween. I do not want to go through that again this year. I just wish I understood the correlation between fall and my pain. I am in the south and it’s so nice, weather wise in the Fall. I could see my pain increasing due to it being cold or hot outside. So what is it?

As I sit here typing this my left hip is robbing in deep pain. My lower back and tailbone feel like they are crushing into me. A deep in the bone pain, much like a ice cream headache, is flowing down my left leg. I wish I could make this hell just go away!

I love Halloween! Every year we decorate the back porch and set up a scary walk down our driveway onto the back porch where the kids get their candy. Every prop I have I made myself. I have always loved doing this and after my son died, I did Not do Halloween for several years. Each year people say how they appreciate our efforts in creating a haunted walk, because no one does it anymore. So many kids cannot go to a haunted house, because it costs $20 or more to get into one here. I have always liked to make it special and scary. I remember being a kid and there was always a scary haunted house, no matter where I lived. It takes two months of a little bit here and a little bit there to make it all happen. Just being able to get candy to pass out has to be done in very small amounts over a very long time. Yet, we always do all we can. Then I became ill and had the chronic pain over come my life. Three years now. If not for the others here, I would not be able to do a single thing for Halloween. I am grateful for the fact we can still make it a special day.

I have lost so many things I love in life because of this pain. There has to be a way to make my life a more enjoyable one. I go to my appointments and I do everything the doctors tell me to do. But they have not tried to correct anything. They insisted on a dozen injections that never helped and since then they just see me every two months and they do not seem to even care or hear what I am telling them. I know there are other therapies out there to try. How do you get your doctor to try them? I have begged for the spinal cord stimulator in hopes I could just not feel all this pain anymore, but they refused to do it. I want a real shot at a decent and enjoyable life! Everyone deserves that…

When the Panic began….

It was Late Spring 1995… I was working my Accounting internship at a Landscaping business. I was responsible for the basic paperwork and accounting for the business while I was over seen by the Accountant who had been there for a while. Down here in Augusta, Ga it gets super hot in the summer. The one thing I immediately was worried about with this job, was that they did not have air conditioning. But, it was spring and only time would tell. The owners wife ran a little flower shop out of the Landscaping business as well. Everyone seemed pleasant enough. Things began to get weird, the owner was forcing everyone to participate in a prayer session in the mornings. I didn’t really mind that since I had my own prayers I was sending out during this time. Shortly there after, I noticed the owner was talking to himself in his truck every morning. He said that Jesus talked to him every day. To each is own I say! Then he began shutting my office door and locking it, putting his hands upon me and telling me that Jesus was coming to kill me. Me, being the strong minded individual I was, just ignored his BS and carried on. However, after about two weeks of this I noticed I started to feel sick all the time. At first I assumed it was due to the heat and all the chemicals that where in the building with me plus no A/C! Here is what happened in the beginning, for a typical day:

Wake up to my alarm. Get my three kids ready for daycare (at this time, May, school was out). Get everyone in the car and drive to daycare. While driving I felt dizzy or lightheaded. Arrive at daycare and bring kids in to there classes. The dizziness would get me real good as I would go to leave the building. Out of no where! This happened several times over the course of a week, getting worse each day, until I passed out in the reception area at daycare. I assured everyone I was just fine, maybe caught a bug and would then continue on my way to work. The entire drive I would feel very dizzy and ill. I would continue to feel dizzy and sick while at work and after the day I passed out, I started having to leave and go home to lay down. I would be there about 2 hours and then just feel so sick I had to go home. I would drive directly home and go to bed. Believing I surely must have some kind of bug! This happened for a few days, then I felt so ill I just couldn’t even try to go into work. My husband, at the time, would take the kids to daycare so I could rest and hopefully get over what ever I had. My kids were ages 3, 6 and 8 at this time. By the end of the next week, I had missed the full week of work and was still feeling very ill. Out of no where, I suddenly felt terrified! I found myself peeking out the windows like someone was out there and they were going to kill me. I became so terrified of this, that I then was unable to be home alone. I was scared to death and freaking out if I was alone. Mind you, I had three kids, was married and we all lived with my parents in a big house. All the adults had jobs during the day. I had one close friend and I would go over to her house (she lived on the street behind us) and lay in the bed in her spare bedroom all day, feeling sick, but had to have the door open so I could hear and see her. If she was not available I would take a pillow and a portable little tv and lay on the floor of my fathers office while he was at work. I have no idea what my parents or anyone else was thinking was wrong with me. I just felt very ill all the time and if I was alone I would freak out feeling super terrified, my heart would race and the fear engulfed me. Now, after about two more weeks of this all, I was standing in the living room, everyone was home because it was the weekend and out of no where I suddenly felt like my heart was racing so fast it was going to rip out of my chest, my lips become tight and numb, my arms and legs were tingling and I was engulfed in so much fear. Fear feeding the physical symptoms more and more. I was terrified! I just knew I was going to die! My husband took me to the ER when I requested to go, feeling I was going to just die at any moment. As I sat in the ER, I felt I was being completely ignored and I was dying! Next thing I knew my lips were puckered out, all my extremities were numb and I felt extremely dizzy, I fell forward out of my chair onto the floor. I curled into a fetal position! I was yelling in terror! The nurse got a bed for me to lay on and and quickly wheeled me to a room by myself. They shut the door! They left me there and took my husband to fill out paperwork. My fear overcame me to the point I just had to yell for help! “Help me Please!” The nurse came in yelling at me that there were other patients with heart conditions and I needed to stop yelling. I told her I was dying and no one seemed to care. She just left! At that point my entire body stiffened and curled inward. I was paralyzed, unable to move! Lips puckered out and my face was contracted. My limbs stiff and hard yet curled inward and bent. I could barely even get a sound out of me. Then my parents came in the room and I remember looking at my mother and her saying…. “Oh Dear…” They took me to have a CT scan and I was still paralyzed. The doctor came in and the nurse injected something in my butt, which I found out later was a muscle relaxer. It felt like my entire body melted. I melted and was no longer paralyzed. The doctor said the scan was good and she believed I was having a Panic Attack. She wanted me to go see a therapist, gave me the number and sent me home. Now I am thinking, Panic attack? I doubt that very much! Something is seriously wrong with me and no one gives a rats ass! But I kept having the attacks. Still felt sick 24/7 and had several full blown horrible panic attacks a day. Still unable to be alone. So I went to the therapist. She talked to me about panic attacks and gave me a prescription for Xanax to take when I felt the attack starting, I was to see her at least once a month but she preferred more often if possible. At this time, it was almost impossible for me to go anywhere. I would have an attack if I was in the car and if I tried to go to a store, I would have an attack. I couldn’t drive because as soon as I would get in the car I would have a panic attack. I was diagnosed with Panic Attacks with Agoraphobia. I did not like taking any medications and would only take ibuprofen when I was getting a migraine, but I gave in and took the Xanax when my next attack started, which was very often, every single day, multiple times a day! The horror of it all! You feel terrified, you just know your dying and the physical symptoms alone is pure torture! The Xanax would ease the panic attack so I would not be in a full blown, paralyzed state. As soon as I felt the heart racing and limbs tingling I would take one. Within 15 minutes I would relax some and not end up paralyzed. However, I still had multiple attacks a day, everyday! I was grateful to not end up paralyzed though. I still felt sick 24/7 and still was unable to even take care of my children. At this point i was two months into all of this. I read everything I could find on panic and decided I was going to do something about it, even though I still believed I surely was dying. I chose to make myself do guided meditations everyday whether I liked it or not. Every single day I did the guided meditations. I noticed after a month I was feeling not as sick all day and the panic attacks eased up by doin got he breathing I learned in meditation. I could go directly to bed and do deep rhythmic breathing and then go to sleep instead of freaking completely out. I did this for a total of six months and finally the panic attacks stopped. It was now the end of January and as fast as the attacks came on, they were suddenly gone. I was thrilled! I found a job and graduated from college and then we even bought our own house. However, like clockwork, my panic and agoraphobia would come back every single two years. I would immediately do the meditations, but still would feel sick 24/7, however, the meditations did help me cope with it much better. They started in 1995 then they came back in 1997, lasted six months and then stopped. Only to return again in 1999 and last six months then stop. And again in 2001, which was when I decided I needed to be on some type of medication in hopes of stopping this cycle and I went on Paxil. The Paxil made it all a bit more tolerable but I was still agoraphobic!

In 2003 my oldest son died in a car accident, age 16! I guess the grief and depression over ruled the panic that year and I was in bed for six months. Since then I have found that instead of coming on out of no where every two years and lasting six months, I have problems with panic and agoraphobia at any given time and day. I can do great for a month, then wham I am freaking out. I have been on a few medications since my sons death. I moved away for five years then moved back to the house I owned. While I was gone I had a great team of doctors and therapists and I was on a good combination of medications, but when I came back here they refused to prescribe some of the medications I needed and put me on different ones. So I had to find a way to cope with life now. I Rarely ever leave the house, I Do Not drive! I basically stay home and mostly in my room. I take Ativan for the panic, which I have to take every day and cannot just take when an attack comes on! Sucks! I am on Effexor and I take Trazadone to sleep since I also have insomnia! My way of coping is to not leave the house unless I feel like I want to go to the store for something. I take my medication on schedule and I do NOT look at people while I am out. I found pretending no one is there is the only way I can be in the store. I don’t see anything that is going one there! I just go to where ever the things I need are and then check out and go home. Unfortunately, I also have severe chronic pain now. So on top of the Panic with Agoraphobia and Anxiety disorder with Severe depression, I also have to deal with severe chronic pain every day of my life! But that is a entire different subject than what I am on today… We all have to find a way to survive and cope with our disorders. I say what ever you find that works and has you in the least amount of physical and emotional pain is right choice for you!

Getting through a Panic attack or a Spell of Severe Pain…

I have found that my coping strategies are much the same to get me through a panic attack or through a spell of crushing intense pain. It all boils down to the same type of thing.

You have to Relax your body and mind!

Weather your freaking out in panic or over whelmed in pain, you have to find a way to relax the body. Being relaxed eases the pain and the panic. Easier said then done right? Well, I spent a solid six months back in 1995 programming the word, “RELAX” into my mind while I was deeply relaxed in meditation. What this did, over time, was make it easier for me to relax in these given situations. I see the word in my mind while I take a slow deep breath and my body relaxes to the meditative state.

I am going to tell you how to do this: First of all you need to meditate. The easiest way to do that for a beginner is to follow a relaxation meditation CD where it will guide you to deep relaxation. When you become comfortable with meditation, you will no longer need to be guided and you will be able to take yourself into a meditative state. I wanted the horrible Panic attacks and Agoraphobia to stop! I felt deathly ill 24/7! I read everything I could find on panic attacks and I created my own plan. The most important thing is to make yourself do a meditation Every Single Day, whether you want to or not! Spend the first week just listening to the guided meditation and allowing yourself to get used to becoming relaxed. Then in the second week, you want to see what ever word you want as your trigger word, one that you will use when you need to relax. When you are in the deep relaxed state, see the word of your choice clearly. Doing this in every meditation, every day, over the next three weeks. I found it quickly became useful, but in order to create a habit, you need to do it daily for 21 days. When ever you feel the panic or pain beginning, see your trigger word and breath in a slow deep breath! It does work! The key is making yourself do this every day! I found that meditation made my panic disorder much more manageable! It did not make it stop or make it never return, but I felt better on a daily basis and I was able to gain control easier. Meditation is by far, the most important thing you can do to help with panic attacks as well as other disorders.

No matter what your disorder is, nothing comes without work. It takes time to create the coping skills you need. If you can dedicate yourself to just 20 minutes a day for a meditation, I know you will see a difference. There is no cure for many disorders. What we have to do is find ways to cope with them. I just hope this helps someone. I know it has helped me get through so many panic attacks and intense pain spells.

You never know what each day will be like…..

Yesterday was a good day over all! I felt pretty good and I had not felt like that in a very long time. My pain was at the lower end of horrible, which is a relief in its self. I can tell you that what I eat, effects me in every way the next day. For instance, two days ago I ate very healthy and low calorie. Then I had a good next day. Yesterday I ate not so healthy and went over my calories a bit because it was my ‘SO’ birthday. Today I don’t feel very good. Mentally and physically I am effected by what I eat.

I am down a solid forty pounds now. I track what I eat in a free AP that also counts your calories and lets you put in your weight, etc. my goal is to stay below 1550 calories per day and I prefer to be under 1400. Most days I eat between 1200 and 1400 calories. My digestive issues are much better when I eat naturally occurring foods like nuts, seeds, fruit, vegetables….. Beef is horrible to my digestive tract. I will no longer eat any beef. It causes cramps and stomach pains along with nausea in me. Cereal I can also eat with no problem and I usually eat frosted flakes. So I will eat much better today and have a much better tomorrow.

My pain is high, so I have to go back to bed when I finish this post. The depression is worse when I consume any form of junk food, even though I made his cake from scratch as always. I feel depressions ugly head poking around. The stupid negative thoughts that depression brings with it! I wish every day I could feel like I did yesterday. I woke in a good mood and most of the day I felt awake and energetic. Positive thoughts flowed easily. I even thought, to myself, that must be how normal people feel. People that can wake up and get the day started with a smile on their face. Tackle all the chores and kid care needed and still have a smile on their face. Personally, since as far back as I can remember I have never felt normal or was life ever easy to live. I can remember back to age four! Four years old and full of fear, depression and anxiety! My grandson will be four in January. He has definite anger issues and is behind in his speech. I love him to death, but he can be so evil sometimes.

Not having a support system really sucks! I just want to be comforted and hugged. My only child that was always there for me and hugged me often is gone, been gone for ten years now. My living son has never been very affectionate. He always comes to me when he needs help or is in trouble or gets hurt, but other than that, he is very different! I miss my deceased son so much. We always talked and if I couldn’t sleep he was right there talking to me. Hugs were always available too! My grandson is very affectionate and hugs me often and says “I Wuv You!” My daughter can be affectionate, but only really cares about herself and lives far away because I had to put my foot down and not let her come back home again. She has said horrible things to me like “I can’t wait until you die so I can piss on your grave”. She has a tendency to do drugs, any drugs too. She is living with the man that raised her, the only father she ever knew, her step dad which is my youngests father. Yet he never calls or does anything for his son. Out of sight, out of mind!

I should of posted yesterday when I was all positive instead of today with all the doom and gloom.