Panic & Anxiety, Stressing Out…

I’m have to go to court tomorrow, in my divorce my ex was made responsible for past debt, but the debt was in my name, so I am being brought to court by them trying to collect.  I am hoping all I have to do is show the judge the divorce papers and he can sign off so they can go after my ex.  But……. Having panic, Anxiety and Agoraphobia I always freak out before ANY appointment and it always starts the day prior.  So here I am, panicking about having to leave my house, having to wear the only thing I have allowed in court (which will make me hot and I get ill when I am hot) and having to be around way too many people!  To top it all off… I have to do the once a month grocery shopping on Tuesday and I have a doctors appointment on Thursday…

I just can’t seem to get myself to calm down or relax at all.  My medication for panic doesn’t seem to be doing a damn thing.  My entire body is wrenched up tight.  I can’t see right, my heart is racing and my limbs feel tingly.  I barely get any sleep the night before appointments as well.  Heck, I only slept 5 hours last night.  I want to go to bed right now, even though I won’t sleep, just to get some sort of relaxation.  Why do I have to be like this???

I am also stressing about not having an oven that works.  For some reason I am thinking about Thanksgiving, guess I won’t be able to cook this year.  Stressing about the dryer, which is on its last leg.  Everything comes up in my mind when my panic gets going.  I want to stop thinking, just be blank…

Writing tends to help.  I have already wrote 6 pages in my journal, so I am trying to write it out here too.  Back before the pain, I would pace and that would help, but now I can’t do that.  I guess I will try to sit in the bath, then just go lay in bed and listen to a guided meditation, until the pain makes me get back up again………….



Isn’t it funny how when we are kids we want to make all our own choices and decisions. We don’t listen to our parents. Now, I find myself asking my mother what I should do all too often. I do not want to make choices or decisions anymore. I want someone else to handle it. I am overwhelmed and stressed to the point that I know I must find a way to relax and soon!

My adult kids go into it again. My son refuses to watch my grandson any longer. I don’t know if I should try to watch him myself or not. Actually, I do know, I cannot do it. I am already having trouble driving her to and from work. Though, It just feels so wrong to make her have to quit her job. She cannot afford to pay a regular babysitter. She pays my son $2/hr. And then doesn’t have much left afterwards, less than what she paid out for babysitting even. My son would watch him no problem, if she leaves and doesn’t come back, but leaves her son here again.

Her attitude is horrible. No one would want to deal with her the way she is, but at work she is completely different. She is an alcoholic too. I fear her taking off with my grandson, because she can be violent. She is very childish! I am so tired of being in the middle of this crap. Everyone wants her gone and they constantly bomb me with it. She has to be severely bipolar because she goes from one extreme to the next is a matter of seconds.

I do know that I have been so overly stressed out that I get double vision, dizzy and sick. That has to change before my surgery or I won’t heal and I will get sick. I have gained 8 pounds in the last two weeks of this crap! Even though I track all my food and I have a band that tracks my movements and it says I burn off more than I eat. That right there is STRESS!

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I am looking for everyone’s point of view here and what you all think would be my best course of action. The stress is making it impossible for me to think. So, please post away with your thoughts………….

Feeling Lost…

Well, I called to see if I could get in with the new dentist that I have to see in order for my insurance to pay for it and the soonest appointment they have is May 19th. Really!?! I told her I would have to call her back. The dentist I used to see when I had money would of got me in today. I do not want to go to a different dentist, but I have no money. I really don’t know what to do about it, so I guess I will call back tomorrow and make the appointment for the 19th. I have had a bad tooth on the right and was unable to see a dentist for it. It has been bad for over a year and I can’t eat on that side, now I can’t eat on the left side either. I did find I can chew on the right as long as it is very soft food. So I ate some macaroni and cheese this evening. That’s all I will be eating for today. I had hoped my parents would help me out by paying for me to go to my normal dentist to get the broken tooth fixed, but I guess that isn’t happening. I am done begging for help!

I am still having horrible pain in my back, on top of my already barely tolerable pain! That brings irritability and mood swings, when the pain is too much to handle. Joy! I feel so overwhelmed and lost in the sea of darkness. Too much of everything negative going on!

One positive thing though… “B” picked up two new windows for my bedroom and he took out one of the old ones today and put one of the new ones in. It took several hours, mostly because it was difficult to get the old window out. That window was so bad I could feel the outside air on me if I stood near it. I can’t wait for the other one to be installed. It is amazing how just the one window has made a huge difference in the temperature and noise in my room. Unfortunately, while installing the new window, “B” ended up having to grid the brick down to fit the new one in. He hung a sheet, but my room was flooded in red dust. I spent the entire day trying to clean it all up. With my pain and not being able to move a whole lot, it’s been a nightmare. Wouldn’t you know it, not a single person tried to help me. This is why I feel so darn alone all the time. I used a Swiffer duster I had and wiped from ceiling to floor and then slowly worked my way around the room sitting and scooting with a wet rag and finally I just vacuumed the floor by sitting on my bed and pushing the vacuum as far as I could reach. “B” is going to get himself a truck, even though there isn’t much food in this house and we eat around two dinners a week here. He doesn’t care. I am lucky that he got the windows for my bedroom. He only cares about himself. He will complain all the time that he doesn’t have money or gas in the van, but he is going to go get a truck… He has a van for his use at all times. I don’t drive. I just don’t understand it. I told him it sure would be nice to at the least be able to eat one meal a day, but he won’t budge. He pays his bills and does what ever he wants. Not one thought towards me or what might make my life a little better. How about paying for me to go to the dentist and fix the broken tooth? He doesn’t have to live with constant horrible pain. He can eat whatever he wants. He doesn’t have the cancer word shadowing him. Yup, I am feeling extremely sorry for myself.

It is storming out right now. The rain is coming down hard and the thunder/lightning is super close and loud. Just another thing that amplifies my pain levels. I am going to take a sponge bath, since I can’t hold my arms over my head, and then lay down in bed and watch Netflix until I can fall asleep.

If you have people that are supportive of you, then you are so very lucky! If you have someone that caresses your skin or will try to massage you to help with your pain, then you are extremely lucky! If you live in a home where you do not have to hear screaming all day long and constant negativity, thenI wish I could trade places with you. If just one area of my life could just be good! Instead of flat broke, barley any food, constant pain and always alone with no one that is supportive or caring towards me………….

More Crap…

So yesterday I was eating a salad and when I bit down I felt something hard so I went to the bathroom and part of my tooth broke off. It has a nice sharp edge and is scratching my cheek. I am drinking out of straws and hoping I can get in with someone by mid week. I haven’t been able to eat on the right side of my mouth for a year due to a bad tooth and this broken tooth is on the left, so I guess no eating for me. I am having sensitivity in the tooth, but I definitely could be worse. I sure don’t want to wait to long to get it fixed! Thankfully I now have some dental coverage.

They called with my appointment for the gynecologist oncologist and that is on a april 23rd. I should find out if he is going to go in for a biopsy or go in and take everything out. I fear cutting the growth, because you do not want to cut cancer and spread those cells through the body.

Two days ago I suddenly buckled over in intense pain higher up in my left side of my back than normal and I have not been able to get control of that pain since. It’s horrible. I feel so overwhelmed and like I am at the end of my rope. I was supposed to go grocery shopping today and I can’t do it. I have to lay in bed curled into a ball in order to even get an ounce of sleep. I have to sit hunched forward as this provides the least amount of pain. I had been having some issues with this area over the last few weeks, but it never stayed and it was not this intense. I feel like the cancer must of spread or something in order for it to be farther up my back. That is scary as hell. I have also had increased pain on the right side as well. This new area of pain is right where the spleen is on the left side of your back. I have also had pain in the lower abdomen now as well. Of course, I still have all the rest of the areas in pain too. The usual sources. My tailbone, low back on both sides, left hip, legs, feet and my neck.

I have an appointment with a foot doctor tomorrow and I have had to change this appointment a few times before for different reasons. I feel I need to cancel so I can try to get in with a dentist. I was set up with a foot doctor for the numbness in my feet and the pain, but now we are looking at all of the pain and even the feet may be caused by the growths on my ovaries. Do I call and leave a message saying I broke a tooth so I need to cancel in order to get in with a dentist as soon as possible?

I read some articles on the use of Frankincense essential oil on cancer. Some people swear by it and say that it shrinks the growths and even has gotten rid of their cancer all together. I have some of this and I figured it sure couldn’t hurt, so three days ago I started rubbing it on all the areas of my pain, the bottom of my feet, behind both ears and on my naval. My intense chronic pain began around three years ago or so and since it has spread. In the beginning it was only in my lower back and left hip area, but really deep inside. I couldn’t stand to shower and had to use a shower chair. I couldn’t hold my hands over my head and I had out spend a lot of time in bed in a certain position. So it has spread out to a much larger area and down my legs and feet. I have not been able to feel my feet for almost two years now. They are numb, yet it have a crushing pain in the balls of the feet.

And finally……. Last night my adult children had a couple of friends over to play beer Pong. One of the people over, I will call him “D”, has a history of bad behavior and getting violent, not to mention he always seems to be completely messed up on something. I finally went to bed just before midnight, after I told them to quiet down some since it was late and they were outside and noisy! At 12:30 my sons girlfriend came into my bedroom sobbing and woke me up. She said my son had beat “D” because he acted up again and wouldn’t stop. So out the door I go and I find my son standing there pissed off yelling at “D” and then “D” standing there covered in blood. There was a pool of blood on the porch as well. So I went in the house and got an old towel to clean up the pool of blood and a bucket of soapy water and several paper towels to clean up “D”. When I finally got most of the blood off of him I found that it was mostly coming from his nose and mouth. This was strike three for “D” and he is never allowed over here again. He gets wasted and then violent and it is as if he is blacked out while he is attacking someone. Twice before I had to not allow him over for many months. My sons head was bleeding, I guess he got his head slammed into the brick on the house at some point. He insisted I clean up “D” fist so I did. I finally went back to bed at 2am.

I have repeatedly begged for some peace and calm around here with all I am having to deal with and this is the crap I get. You would think they would realize that playing beer pong always results in something happening and they would consider me before themselves, but NO, they care only about themselves! I would never do that crap to my mother. I read how stress can cause changes in your body that make it easier for cancer to grow and make it worse. At this point I am struggling with just wanting to die right now and end all of my suffering. I do not have a support system, no one can put anyone before themselves here and all they care about is getting drunk………….

I love the TV show The Walking Dead, this is from the last season!

It Is Time For Me To Throw In The Towel….

Halloween has always been my favorite time of year. I would spend months making new props and preparing to scare the trick or treaters as they walked through my haunted walk to receive candy. We were unable to do Halloween last year due to lack of participants, so this was the first time I was able to do Halloween while I have been in severe chronic pain. And let me tell you, I have to throw in the towel and not do it ever again, unless they find and fix the cause of all my horrendous pain! I couldn’t even make it just sitting and handing out candy. I was in so much pain I wished death would come swiftly! Even today I am over run with the intense disabling pain. It is so very frustrating to me. Disappointing too. As if I am not allowed to enjoy a single thing anymore. What am I being punished for? I have always been a caring and loving person that over looked others issues and accepted them no matter what. I may not be in a wheel chair this year, yet, but I cannot continue on in this much intense pain! This is so unfair! Am I not allowed an ounce of happiness? Living life mainly from my bedroom is not living life!

I will take today and rest and hope that tomorrow is a much better day, however, lately I say this every day. Something has got to give! I am thankful that I have a comfortable bed to lay upon. Now I will go lay upon that comfortable bed and pray that my pain will ease.

Focus on being Thankful, less self pity…

I am focusing on being thankful for what I do have, and I hope to do this daily along with my blogging of my life. When you live in a constant state of pain, it becomes difficult to focus on being thankful and the depression is always there, trying to bring you down. I do Know that focusing on positive things and occupying my mind DOES help. However, the days that the depression has me by its tight grip, it becomes very difficult to think of positive things or of things to occupy my mind. Does this sound familiar to you?

Self Pity:
Yesterday I struggled, yet again, to get through the day. The hard pain in the ball of my foot area, on both feet, just will not let up. Every step I take feels like a deep bruise being poked hard. As the day goes on, the pain gets worse. The more I get up on my feet, the worse it becomes. I can’t stand just sitting or laying around, I focus on the pain too much. Everything I do requires me, to at the very least, walk from room to room! The wheel chair I have been in twice before, does not fit through my bedroom door. Luckily, I am not to the point I cannot walk at all yet. I just have been thinking about how hard it was in the past. I don’t want to be there. I want things to keep my mind busy and also keep me off my feet. The pain is in between the phalanges (toes) and the metatarsals, which is the next set of long bones after the toes. When I do walk, I am also aggravating my hips and back pain, due to walking more on my heels for less pain. Of course, I have been bringing this all to the attention of the PA at my doctor visits and he just doesn’t seem to care. Which is why I demanded my return visit to be with the actual doctor! A year ago my toes on my left foot went numb, still are numb! Then about six month ago the toes on my right foot joined in and went numb as well, still are! Then 2 of my toes on my left foot split apart from each other, like something is pulling them away from each other. This is now happening on my right foot! Through the last 3-4 years of all the neck, hip, tailbone and low back pain with sometimes the pain going down my left leg, I had never had pain in my feet. Out of no where this pain hit me last week. For two days I cried. I found that the more I stay off my feet the less the pain is and propping them up is even better. The medications I take that help take the edge off my other pain and ease my leg cramps, just do not seem to touch this pain in my feet. Halloween is in 4 days and there is a lot up be done to set up the scary walk for the kids that go trick or treating! I have to be the supervisor now and bark out the orders of what needs to be done and how. It is so much easier when I can do it myself!

Which brings me now to focusing on things I am Thankful for! Let us all try to list at least ONE thing per day that we are Thankful for I am going to try to do Three per day…
I am Thankful for the help I receive in caring for my grandson, so I can lay down or nap when needed!
I am Thankful for the internet, which keeps me connected to others and my family!
I am Thankful that I was able to spend 16 1/2 years with my oldest son before he left this Earth!