Chronic Pain…

Since 2010, I have been in constant pain.  Not just one area, but multiple areas.  Sometimes the pain is tolerable, but still always there.  Most of the time the pain is bad and occasionally it is so bad I can’t stand it anymore.  Any form of bending over jacks my pain up enormously!  So what, do I just sit back or lay down my entire life?  I can’t do that…

I spend 4 hours most days trying to get the basic chores done.  I do one little thing, then I have to sit on pillows for a while, then I do another little thing and so on.  In this window of time, I try my hardest to just clean up my little kitchen, wipe down surfaces and vacuum the small area that I sit in.  Four hours!  I have discovered that I feel better mentally when things are in there place and all is clean.  So day after day, on a repeat cycle, I push myself through pain and do a little thing at a time, just to have a better mental being and to get some movemnet daily.  Then I sit back in a big chair filled with pillows until I am able to go to sleep.  Mind you, the first four hours I am awake, I am unable to do anything.  So 4 hours of trying to get where I can move around, then 4 hours of tidying up with tons of breaks and around 7 hours of waiting to sleep.  This is my life…

The days I have appointments, I am unable to do anything other than try to not have a full blown panic attack, go to the appointment and get back home.  My Panic and Anxiety disorders greatly increase my pain, because my body tenses up and that causes it all to go crazy.  I have suffered with panic and anxiety for 22 years now.  Yes, this is my life…

I have no desire to be with another, yet occasionally I feel pretty lonely.  I have gained weight, stopped wearing makeup and let my hair grow out just so I am not bothered by men.  I have been through hell and back too many times to count.  I am basically just waiting to die.  No socialization, I don’t even want to be around people, but I do miss having a close friend here.  Day after day, all the same…

What really pisses me off is how those of us who are poor cannot get adequate relief.  We are ignored simply because we cannot pay.  There are so many things that could help me, yet I have no way to get those things.  Just trying to survive on a very small fixed income with a mortgage.  I no longer even have a vehicle.  I get $200 a month to buy food with.  The cheapest things are not good for you.  Just being able to afford to eat healthy would help.  So here I remain, on the repeat cycle and isolated from everything…