I Am Done…

I have come to realize that I need to just be done with everyone and everything!  Having Panic & AnxietyDisorder plus Major Depression & Chronic Pain, I NEED Peace, Quiet and Calm around me.  I have already been isolated to my house.  My son lives here too.  So much is needed to be done to my house.  The soffit & facia are rotting away.  There are cobwebs all over the entire outside of the house!  I get very ill in the heat and I am unable to get out there and remove them…  Almost daily, I find more dents and holes in my walls and appliances.  You guessed it… My son is an alcoholic with anger issues.  He won’t do any of the repairs here.  Which is one of many reasons I am going to eventually have to go live with my parents…

I have always had a big heart and cared way too much!  Every since the 3rd husband cheated and left, I have been cold and unable to feel love.  Why Stress & Struggle to keep my home, when it is like paddling up river!  I have to keep telling myself to just not care…

The ‘Darkness’ (depression) has been invading my mind and body for the last few days.  Most likely jacked up due to another sucky birthday on Monday and now the full moon!  I force myself to do the basic chores, even though it causes me more pain, because it is the only way my body gets any exercise at all!  Plus, I am allergic to dust, mold, mildew, pollen and pet dander.  Yes, I have several animals, because I always felt life was better with them…

Every single time I even think about all I have to do in order to prepare to move, I shut down!  I can’t handle any amount of stress anymore.  But my entire life is stress.  Lack of food, lack of funds, lack of it all…

Why can’t I just go to sleep and not wake back up!!!  I don’t have a clue how I am going to do the things needed to be done, just so I can move.  I have no energy at all!  The Pain rules my life and the darkness is sucking me into its pit of hell…

Depression sucks royally allow its own!  Then the Panic & Anxiety crap was thrown in there!  And now, the chronic pain…  So, I am done!  I am just going to make myself not care at all!  Some how, some way!  I try to occupy my mind by watching tv, it does help when I have a show I can binge watch on Netflix.  Ugh, I am so tired and so lifeless…

Discovered my Spouse has been Cheating…

I already knew something was up. My intuition has never been wrong and he had been acting the part. My last husband cheated and left, I was with him for 16 years. This one I was with for 8 years. However, the last six months I began to stop having any feelings for him. He brought nothing but negativity into my life. He was the cause of all the drama and chaos here! When I told him I knew in a message, he came home from work with a cop to get some things. I knew he was going to do that, intuition! So, I had already packed up some of his stuff and it was waiting on the porch for him. I am one step ahead of his sorry butt! I don’t even want his last name, though it don’t want to deal with having to change all my things either. I will request my maiden name in the divorce. I will also get alimony…

It is amazing how much better everyone in this house feels. Now we know that all of the negativity was him. He tried so hard to make everyone fight. He is a horrible person. He lies so much you can’t believe anything he says. It feels amazing not having him here. I love having my bed and bathroom to myself and my son is finally happy, he is the man of the house. I should of left a long time ago, just from the lying and the fact he steals things. I have never done that and I am completely against it. I am strong now!

I had two major surgeries and almost died and he was shitty as hell. I always told him actions speak louder than words. It’s so much easier this time, because it didn’t love him like my last and I stopped having feelings for him with all he had done to me. I am a much stronger person now too, than I was before. It is amazing how going through major surgeries and almost dying will change you. I focus on the positive and always rely on my intuition.

I have chronic pain and I have to deal with that every day, but mentally I am in a better place now. I gave him everything and he will now begin to loose everything. I never want him even near me again. Too much negativity. We all actually figured out he was the cause of it all while he took a vacation by himself and was gone a week this month. We all felt pretty good until he came back.

Always, listen to your intuition, it is never wrong. You do not need to wait for proof. Trust me, I have been through it a few times! All that matters is that you are happy and you are not suffering at the hands of someone else! Abuse comes in all kinds of forms. You will know, because you will feel horrible all the time when that person is around. That is your sign to get away from them for ever! Your happiness is the most important thing for your life………….

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UPDATE: catheter is finally out…

On Friday I went in for a test to check my bladder, ureter and kidney. They hooked up a bottle of contrast to my catheter and it was supposed flow down into my bladder, but it would not go in. They spent over a half hour trying to get the contrast to go into my bladder and it wouldn’t. It was like something was blocking the catheter line, even though I had no problems with it prior. They ended up having to manually inject the contrast into me with a syringe into the catheter line. Which tells me something must of been in the way and the force of the syringe allowed the contrast to get past it. My bladder became full quickly and they started taking pictures with the fluoroscopy machine. I had to roll to each side and get pictures. They were checking to make sure there were no leaks or reflux. Then the fluoroscopy machine stopped working. They ended up having to restart the entire system. I was thinking, “Geeze, why is it everything that can happen seems to happen to me?” The machine got back up and working and they finished taking pictures. Everything looked great! They hooked me back up to my catheter bag and told me they could not take it out. I was pissed and asked them to call the doctor so I could get it out. Meanwhile, the contrast is not coming out of me into the catheter bag. I sat, then stood, then walked and even sat on the toilet and used force and nothing! There had to be something in there blocking it! Finally, the doctor called back and said yes, they could remove the catheter. As soon as it came out of me, I went to the toilet and peed like crazy. What a relief to finally have that out of me after 25 days!

I had feared not being able to pee or having pain, like many people posted after a catheter was in for an extended period of time, but I had no problems at all. No pain either and I no longer had the stabbing pain the catheter caused me. The only issue I have had was the first two nights I was up every single hour to pee, then last night I was up every two hours to pee. My bladder had to stretch again. I made sure I tried to hold my urine when I felt I had to pee for a little bit to help my bladder get back to normal.

I was at my parents house from August 21 until September 2 and it was so peaceful and nice. My parents waited on me so I didn’t do things that I was restricted from. I had no worries really at all while I was there. I want so badly to be back there now!

I haven’t even been home a week and my adult kids have already been at it again. Getting drunk and fighting. I finally said no alcohol is allowed in this house and if you break the rule, your out. I can pack up and move in with my parents and then they will all be homeless when the house is taken away. I don’t even want to be here, but it is the only way they all have a roof over their heads. I don’t even have enough money after bills to buy things I need. Yet, they go out and get what ever they want. Just kills me. They all need a dose of reality. My grandson is the only reason I am here! He is in Pre-K now and in speech therapy.

“B” and I just live like roommates. He doesn’t do anything with me or even spend time with me when I am laid up. I have gotten to the point I just don’t care anymore. That sucks, because once you get here, there is no going back. I have never been to a concert and he won tickets, but I am in recovery and couldn’t go, he went! He leaves Thursday to go up to see his family by himself. He insisted he was going by himself. Can’t even take a vacation with me. He says he loves me, but there is no way that can be true! It sucks! Just have to learn to love to be with me, myself and I. Oh, and my two kitties!

If I lived with my mom she would have someone to do things with. I would get to do things, instead of being stuck here alone and having to listen to my daughter scream and yell.

Recovering at My Parents…

I saw the doctor on Wednesday and my mom went with me. They took out the many staples, which did not hurt one bit and then they took out the drain, which felt like a horrible burning pain for a solid minute, then eased off. My mom told my doctor how recovering at my home was not a good place to be and he listened to her. He moved things around and made it so I could go home with her for two weeks, the come back and have a test done to make sure my urinary tract is working right and if so, I will finally get the catheter out on the 10th of September. I am concerned about peeing on my own after so long with a catheter, but I did read about some bladder strengthening exercises you can do to help before it is removed, so I need to look into that! I really hate having this catheter. It is uncomfortable and often hurts. I started passing clots and some blood two days ago, I called the doctor but no one has called back yet so I don’t know if it is normal or not. I don’t like the leg bag as it will not stay up on my leg because I have toothpick legs. I only use it if I have to go out somewhere like the doctor, etc. I just use the big bag and carry it around in a tote bag. It is uncomfortable to sit anywhere, but it need to sit on several pillows. I think one of those donut pillows would help so nothing is pushing on the catheter.

My incision line is very long. It is still weeping some from the staples being removed, but looks good and healed well. I have times through the day where it stings and burns, but for the most part it’s not an issue at all. Which is surprising to me with how big it is. It hurt like holy hell the first couple of days though, even with an epidural. Though I could still feel my legs so I don’t think the epidural was placed right. At least it took some of the pain away.

I finally had a bowel movement today. It seems to take four days of drinking miralax to have one. It took 11 days from surgery, but they did give me something to drink the third day in the hospital that gave me horrible cramps and then I exploded with green diarrhea….. TMI! The colace and miralax make it soft and easy to come out, but a pain to get cleaned off. Ok, enough TMI for now!

Over all, I have decent pain control with some issues in the evenings. I sleep about two hours then wake to leg and foot cramps that keep my up for two hours and then I sleep about two more hours and I am up for the day. I take a nap usually in the afternoon. Not much sleep, but I don’t feel horrible either. I try to walk around a it when ever possible.

I came home with my mother to recover for two weeks in peace. My house is full of negativity and drama. Here it is quiet and peaceful so I will recover much better here, not being stressed out every single day! “B” was pissed I was coming here. He just can’t think of anyone before himself. I came here to spend a couple weeks with my parents back in February and ever since “B” has said he was taking his vacation this year by himself, I guess to punish me, even though I don’t care! And he is taking his vacation by himself next month for a week up by his mother. I don’t understand why he gets so mad about me going to my parents. It is a retirement community and I don’t do anything. Not to mention I can’t even do anything now since I am on rest and recovery for 6-8 weeks. When I am home I am in my room alone, he doesn’t even come in there and talk to me. He sits I front of the TV or computer, but never spends a single minute with me. So, why does it matter if I am there or not. It is like he is happy as long as he knows I am in the house. The only draw back to being here is it is pretty hot, but my father has lowered the A/C for me this time, so I am pretty comfortable as long as I stay where the fan is. It truly amazes me how horrible negative and stressful my house is, just being in it. My mom was warn out just from being there for so long. Heck, one day wears you out. You can feel it in the air. I want everyone to be happy. I have been extremely sick and I need desperately to recover well this time. I would not do things that would upset “B” but I had to think of me first this time. It was a sudden choice I made too, at the doctors office when he and my mom wanted me to have a calm recovery period. So I came home and pretty much dumped it on him. He was instantly pissed, you could see it and feel it and the way he acted. I don’t do that to him when he goes places. When he said he was going to s moms alone I was ok with it, I was a bit upset that he chose to do it during my recovery period when I needed help though. I quickly got over that when I realized he doesn’t really do much to help me anyway.

When we force ourselves to connect against our heart’s
desires, we create false, resentful relationships; when
we disconnect from the people who deplete us, we set
them free to find their tribes while we find ours.

~ Logging Off: The Power of Disconnection

I HAVE to make major changes…

I am slowly recovering from my surgery. Today I finally had a BM and it took exactly two weeks to have one. I feel things are all progressing along as they should. I see the doctor tomorrow and hopefully he will say that all is healing well.

I already had an issue with the huge amount of negativity in my house and how “B” never can say anything positive. Every single day he wakes up and is in a negative mood and complaining. Every comment is negative. He is very much a jerk and I have found I just can’t take being around him at all anymore. I don’t understand how anyone can be that negative and hateful.

I don’t know if leaving here or removing him is the best option. Both pose a lot of problems. Honestly, I want to just leave, but my kids are here and they can’t afford the bills on there on. I am tired of tolerating so much negativity just to make sure the bills are paid and we have a roof over our heads. If my adult kids would band together and work together one could get a job and one could watch my grandson and they could help make sure the bills are covered. When I brought up me leaving before my kids flipped out, mostly my son. That I was screwing him and where would he live. My entire life I have put up with crap from another to survive. I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t think I can do it anymore. I know I can’t do it anymore!

The Depressed Mind…

My depression has a death grip on me. It is such a battle to just get through each minute of the day. Occupying the mind is so important. Today, I started with a plan. I knew I needed to be busy. I pushed through my high level of pain and I cleaned my bedroom. I have to move slowly and it did take me over 6 hours to complete the task. I am in a ton of pain from moving around so much too, but I kept my mind busy throughout the day by doing the task. I am now laying down and it feels like my entire pelvis, hips and low back are crushing me. I am so tired of this pain!

I have also gained ten pounds. I feel ill all the time and I know that is partly due to not eating right. So, I set out today to go back to eating better as well. Today, I ate a kiwi, nuts, vegetable stir fry and some sharp cheddar cheese. My stomach and entire digestive tract feels better this evening. I must continue to eat healthy. Overtime, eating right should help with the depression too.

Last night my son blared the music in his room after I went to bed. He was mad because my daughter had a friend over and he thinks she should be punished anyway possible because she didn’t pay him for the last week of babysitting after he refused to watch my grandson and she had to quit her job. He is the only one acting immature and causing all kinds of stress. I am still very upset at him doing that and slamming the doors in my house. If he continues on this path I will be forced to kick him out again.

Ugh! This pain is so bad! I’m so tired of it all… Bedtime can’t come soon enough. It is the only thing I look forward too. Then when I wake in the morning I have to endure hours of crushing pain. What a life… Then add in the deep dark pit of depression… Wow! And I just ate four Oreo cookies… Wonk wonk…

Basically, my mornings and nights up until I go to bed are horrendous! Sometimes the entire day is. The days I do ok in the afternoon, are the days I take very single thing I have for the pain and as soon as I get the hard edge off of my pain I go do something, slowly. Keeping the mind busy and moving slowly because that is what I have to do or I end up on the floor crying. Multiple breaks were I sit or lay down for short spells too. Then the pain comes crushing in and doesn’t let up! If I could just get enough control of the pain I could get somewhere here, but NO, they refuse to give me any additional medication and said I have to wean off the meds I do have after I recover from surgery. I pray the surgery helps this pain. If it doesn’t, that will be it for me. I have fought and struggled through over three years of this hell so far and the pain keeps increasing and spreading. If I did not have the hope that the surgery would help, I would already be gone. It all boils down to hope. As long as you have even an ounce of hope, you push on.

I really am at the end of my rope. I have no where to turn and no one to go to. I am holding on for Tuesday or Wednesday to find out when my surgery is and I pray it is soon! I really don’t know how long I can hold on anymore………….

Sorting Out life…

I will never understand how my children cannot seem to put family first. Family is supposed to be there for each other and do what ever we can to help each other out. They were not raised to be so self centered. “B” cannot seem to put family first either. He grow up in a negative environment and instead of focusing on what he has now, he chooses to be hateful to those around him. I cannot change any of them. I do know I am only able to change myself…

Making huge life changing decisions are difficult. You fear if it is the right choice in the end and what will occur for making those choices. But, life here in this home is extremely negative. Everyone only seems to care about themselves and they are unable to put anyone ahead of themselves. Everything is an argument.

Now my son is having a fit about watching my grandson while my daughter works. I am so damn frustrated and stressed out. I have to try to find someone who will watch my grandson and be a good sitter and not charge more than my daughter makes. WTf?! At this rate she is just going to be unable to work. Seriously!

I want to be comfortable in my own home. I can even clean up the kitchen without my son freaking out thinking I am doing it for my daughter. I do it because no one else will! Some days I can’t even do it. I am thinking it will be best if I just go live with my parents………….