Ramblings of a Lost Soul…

I have had a very hard time this last week.  Sometimes, full moons affect me mentally and this one sure has, I feel like I am going to snap and loose it completely!   I also have my 6 year old grandson here for a visit.  He has been here for almost 4 weeks now and he has mental issues as well.  His anger has been high this last week and he just can not control himself or behave.  Which makes me even more unstable mentally!

My adult son, that lives with me, has done nothing to help me with my grandson.  I shouldn’t be surprised, but I really thought he would help me!  I have horrible pain and I just can’t do it all, but I have had too, so my pain has been very high.  I am tired of being mentally abused by my son as well.  Like When he gets in my face and says, “What are you going to do about, Nothing!”  Which is why I have chosen to go live with my parents in Florida, but I have to go through everything here and try to sell what I can.  

I can’t afford to eat right and $200 a month in Foodstamps doesn’t get you much at all.  I have nothing left after paying for this house!  I thought when I divorced my sons father I would no longer be mentally abused.  I refuse to suffer any longer, but it will take me months to get through things here.  I get sick in the heat and it is so hot and humid here, so I can’t do the shed or the yard sale until October!  I am hoping to find a pain doctor in Florida that will be willing to take me on.  It took five years to get the right meds for my pain, they are helping, though I will always have pain and very bad days.  I do not want any of it changed after all this time of finding something that actually helps!  

I am finally divorced from my last husband!  He was so wonderful in the beginning, it took three years before the real him came out completely.  He is 16 years younger than me and he acted like everything I ever wanted in a man, until we were together 3 years.  Then the real him came out, a liar and a thief.  He left me for 5-6 weeks, then came back.  The last year we were together was horrible!  I had a hysterectomy, they thought I may have cancer, which I did not.  He wasn’t there for me at all!  Then I was dying and it took 3 weeks for the doctor to figure out that he cut my ureter in the surgery.  6 weeks to the day of the first surgery, I had to have a massive surgery to save my life.  My husband was shitty as hell to me!  He left in September of 2014 after I found out he was cheating!  The divorce wasn’t final until this month!  It is over now, another chunk of my life wasted!  I dated for a bit, but every single guy just seemed to want sex.  So I started eating and gained 20 pounds and I have not dated at all since then.  I do not want to be with any man!  Unless a man comes along that will court me, it will never happen again!  I am 47 years old next month, I have been married 3 times!  I am DONE…  I do not want to deal with the drama and BS of a man in my life again…

I am overwhelmed and so stressed out.  In my darkest hour, the only ones that were here for me where my Mom (who is in FL) and my best friend, Lora, but she lives far away!  I couldn’t believe it, no one else was here for me at all!  I had always been there for everyone!  Not even one of my friends, that has been my friend since age 10!  Not my sister, who I always went to when ever she needed me!  I am and have been completely alone for at least 2 years now… 😰. I have found myself preferring to stay inside and away from everything.  I haven’t had a vehicle since last Novemebr either.  So, I am basically stuck here anyway!  I was supposed to get my grandson back this Friday, meet half way in Chattanooga, but my son said they will NOT do it and they have the only car here.  Real nice huh!  I have only stayed here broke and suffering so my son had a home… Fuck that!

For the life of me, I cannot figure out how I deserve this hell I live in!  I have always been a Good person!  I can’t handle my pain condition and my own mental crap even…  I have wanted to die more than ever in this year!  I could NEVER take my own life, but I have prayed several times for GOD to just take me back home already. No one should have to suffer like this… 😢 😰 😡 😤 😱 😥 😖

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It’s Been Awhile… 

I have been having a very hard time this year!  My Chronic Pain has been very high and I do not have a support system or help.  I feel very alone, yet I do not want to deal with anyone either.  The depression sneaks in often, which is normal when pain levels are too high.  I try just to get through each day as they come, yet I have had some really bad times, where I am just Sick of being here…

It is impossible for anyone to even comprehend the hell of chronic pain, unless they too have it!  Trying to explain it is a waste of time and air.  I would never wish it on anyone and I often wonder what I did to deserve this hell!  I had always been there for others and helped everyone I could.  You sure do find out who really cares for you or loves you when you are down and out!  I have one friend, that I have had since age 10.  That is it!  She lives far away though.  Even family has forgot I even exist, except for my mother, who also lives far away…

I raised my grandson from birth to age 5, then he went to live with his father.  This was Important, to get him away from his mother (my daughter) who is a drug addict and gets violent.  My daughter lives on the streets or friends houses and all she cares about is getting high!  I missed him like crazy, but I have him for a short visit this summer.  I had not seen him in a year.  I love him more than anything!  Unfortunately, my son and his girlfriend, will not help me at all and with my chronic pain I have some very difficult times each day.  I get tears in my eyes every day from the pain and it is hard to explain to a 6 year old what is going on with me.  All I can do is my best each day, for him and for me to get through!  I really hate that my only living son won’t help me. But he will run and help the neighbors in a heartbeat.  He is an alcoholic, so he will do anything if he will get money or beer for it!  I try to survive on a very small fixed income each month, that leaves me with $50 after the mortgage…

 Lately, my son has been saying things like, “What are you going to do about it, Nothing!” When he gets in my face or I have to get onto him for breaking things in my home.  I don’t understand how my two living kids turned out this way!  My one son, who passed away at age 16, was the only good one!  He always talked to me and was there for me.  My kids were raised with morals and knowing what is right or wrong!  Yet my daughter is exactly like her father, who had not been in her life at all since she was 1 1/2 years old!  She is now 27!  My son is exactly like his father, but he was in his life until he was 14!  He is now 24!  His father was a great dad,until my oldest died and we had to move.  Then he got into drugs and cheated then left us all.  He has nothing to do with his son, ever since then!  I have only paid the mortgage so my son has a home and I have animals that I would have to find homes for if I left.  Now I am only staying because of the animals!  I have a cat that is anti social so I don’t think she would ever get adopted and I have a dog, that is very old.  I know I have to get out of here though, so I will have to spend months trying to sell things and find homes for my animals, before I can go live with my parents.  I cannot keep staying in such a negative environment, but I can’t tell my son I am leaving, because he will destroy everything here if I do…

I FEEL AFTER TIME, BEING AT MY PARENTS, I WILL FEEL MUCH BETTER …… It is just getting everything done so I can go there that is the issue…  

Pondering Things…

I have an email in my box today that says no sender, no message and no content, but the date it shows as the date it was sent is 12/31/69? I was born in August of 1969. It’s so weird and crazy…

I have lived my entire life with mental illness and bouts with major depression. It never ceases to catch me off guard how down I can find myself. Have you ever just sat quietly and tried to explore what it is you are actually feeling? I am sitting out back and it’s quiet other than the water sound from a small pond on my porch. I asked myself, “What exactly are you feeling?” It is hard to really know what it is that i am feeling. I have to really relax myself and search inside. I feel sadness, physical pain, alone, stress and exhaustion! I can hear birds chirping and vehicles going by along with the sound of water flowing in the pond. I also hear an occasional airplane and dogs bark in the distance. A gentle breeze is caressing my skin. I look around and I see the beauty in nature. The rich greens of spring time. Seeing, hearing and feeling nature are very pleasant.

I want to escape the physical pain that I am in every minute of every day. I want to disappear in nature and feel only the soft breeze on my skin. I want to no longer feel as though I am being swallowed in a dark cloud of depression. I take any moment I can find to slip into nature and separate myself from the world of pain and suffering I live in. Even when it is only seconds that I can find.

I began to think of times when I felt very happy. Then I realized why those times were also so short lived. Because I felt happy due to something I bought myself or was able to play with. At first it is new and exciting and you feel happy, but money can NOT buy happiness. Happiness is a feeling that we can create with or without money. That is why when we feel happy for a short time after we are able to buy something we want, it is so short lived.

“B” is very happy today, because he is going out to buy a truck that he wants. This is what got me to thinking about happiness and how it is quickly gone when we try to find it through money. There are so many things we need here and the money for that vehicle isn’t going to help anyone being wasted on something that is not even needed. It will just make him feel good for a few days! The car I bought years ago for my son after he passed away, “B” got rid of it. Oh, now I see where my deep darkness is stemming from. Now he is going to have what he wants and the car that represented my dead son is gone! Well, it took a while, but now I really know what is eating at me so deeply! Honestly, there are several things that have brought me to this point, but now I am finally seeing what is eating at me so deeply!

I have to really work on and try to find happiness for myself………….

Day 21, Words Unspoken

One thing is for sure, I tend to way over think situations and create words that were never spoken. For instance, when I cannot seem to get ahold of someone I may begin to think things like: what is he doing? Why can’t he return my calls? I haven’t heard from him this entire day…. I am creating words that have no evidence of being true or real. Next, I play all kinds of possible situations that would be taking up his time and they are never positive ones. This causes a mountain of chaos within my mind and I find myself assuming that the possible situations are actually occurring. Later, I always find out that none of those things were actually happening.

So, how do I stop creating words that were never spoken? First off, I need to actively be aware of the thoughts that pop into my head. Then, I need to ask if these thoughts come from a loving and positive place or if they come from a fearful and negative place. If they are fearful and negative, then I know they are not my real thoughts, because only positive and loving thoughts are real and true to our hearts. Once we become aware that the thoughts are not coming from our heart, we can choose to view them as coming from someone else. We can see and hear these thoughts, just like we would if someone else was sitting with us and carrying on a conversation. They are not our thoughts so we can also choose to not take them personally.

I have found this to be very helpful in my quest to discover what is true and coming from love. After all, we create words and even play out situations that we think may be occurring, but are not. Why do we do this? Partly from how we were raised to react to things or what to expect in certain situation and partly from the years of our lives and what we have gone through.

When we were young and we witness something happen with our parents, this created a data base of how to react or think in those situations. In our years of life we may have experienced some horrible boyfriend/girlfriends in which we were deeply betrayed or hurt. Therefore, when we fear those situations may be happening again, we create the exact feelings and fears that we had when we went through them before, even if they are not real this time.

Just knowing this is a step in the right direction. Now we can see why we feel the way we do and we can view the negative thoughts as separate from ourselves. I have many daily goals. From being sure to take my medication on time to being attentive to any thoughts that pop up in my mind. Goals are important and we need them to accomplish things and to feel good about the things we do get done. Even if you just practice viewing your thoughts for a few moments a day, you will find that you can quickly notice which thoughts are positive ones and which thoughts are negative ones. Give it a try and let me know how it works for you………….

Hit by the Boredom Bug today…

Lately, I have been just plain bored. With depression, it is often extremely difficult to find things you actually want to do. I went down my list of things, in which I wrote on a good day, to keep busy when bored. Not one thing on that list was something I wanted to do. I then went to the internet and searched things to do when you are bored. There, I also could not find a single thing I wanted to do. Ugh! Mental illness sure can make life difficult.

I finally picked up my wireless headphones and played my music while forcing myself to clean the very dirty bathroom. That task is done and I do feel accomplished since I did do something. Though, I still have that feeling of complete and utter boredom. So I put my headphones back on and let the music take me away from my reality.

What is up with the way my mind works? It is much like fighting a battle with myself. Depression definitely makes things more difficult than they need to be. So how do we get ourselves passed it all? We just have to keep pushing forward. Try as we can to keep busy so our mind does not wander back to the darkness. I had not listened to music in a very long time and I can tell you that music definitely helps lift my mood, but depending on what I listen too, it can also drag my mood farther down.

I have a list of things that can and need to be done around the house, but when I am in that dark place I just cannot seem to get myself to do any of those things. For me, depression comes in long spells. It hangs around for some time and then I get a few days or a week maybe that it is not so bad. Life has been a difficult journey dealing with depression and my journey has become extremely hard since the chronic pain has been added to my list of issues. Depression and anxiety and panic have been with me my entire life. That just proves to me that I was born with messed up wiring in my brain. I think we all are born with it. I often look at people that seem so happy and have so much energy and wonder why I couldn’t be that way too. To wake up with a smile on my face and have energy to get through everything in a day….. How fantastic that would be. Then again, I don’t know for sure that those people really do feel as happy as they look. I have known many people who pretend very well. I have never been one to pretend. I am what you see. I wear my emotions on my sleeve and I don’t hide how I feel. I have always talked about anything that bothers me. That has always bothered my entire family. I am the youngest of five kids and none of them talk about their feelings or wear their emotions on their sleeve. I have always known how important it is to talk about things, yet no one else in my family can do that. I do believe I am still alive today because I talk about things and I don’t pretend to be something else.

It took me over thirty years to realize that living by time was causing most of my panic issues. It took me another two years to figure out how to live without time as much as possible. Things could be worse, I could still be having full blown panic attacks every single day of my life. I learned to remove time as much as possible and I avoid crowds. That’s what works for me. I tend to pick up on other peoples emotions and being around a lot of people has never been something I liked. Even as a kid I tried to stay away from groups and I have always only had one or two close friends. I don’t trust easily and for good reason. I do, however, always look for the good in people. My mother always asked me how I could take the one person no one liked and find the one thing that was good about them. Funny, how I can do that with others, yet I don’t do that with myself.

Everyone has gifts. Each and every one of you do! No one is exactly alike. We are all very special. Using your creativity aids in unleashing a better feeling about yourself. What ever it is, drawing, coloring, doodling, crafts, tricks, magic, hair, nails….. The list is endless. What ever it is that is your creativity, find it and use it often. It opens up your heart and fills you with purpose. A passion so to say. We all need a passion. We all have something in us that is special and unique! My wish is for everyone to find their passion…

Dear Diary,

Today I thought much about my family. My brother, sisters and parents. The only one out of them all that checks on me and asks how I am doing is my mother. Even my children, whom live here with me and are adults, never ask how I am feeling. So,entires I feel so alone and deep in despair, that just a simple question, like “how are you doing?” Could help pull me from the depths of darkness. Yes, it would be nice. But, I cannot change how other people are. I can only change myself. So, I asked myself, “How are you doing?” And you know what I replied…… I am hanging in there. Sometimes I get so tired of so much pain and I isolate myself most of the time to avoid negative words and behaviors of others. I often feel alone, but I know I am not alone. I can only do what I can with every minute that is given to me…….. This surprised me, because I figured my reply would be all kind you negative about how much pain I have to suffer with every day.

Earlier today I was extremely down and I just could not think of a single thing I could do in order to occupy my mind away from the pain and depression. I sat on the edge of my bed for a long time with my head hung low. Then I went outside and started doodling on a piece of paper. After a while I noticed that I must of been doodling for some time and that I had stopped focusing on my pain. Sometimes it is so difficult to find one thing to take your mind away from the suffering. I wanted so badly to go to bed and sleep all day. I even tried to do this, but my medications for the pain keep me wide awake. I just wanted to relax and rest and sleep instead of having to be awake and deal with so much. I made it though, now it is time for me to go to bed and I feel my eyes getting heavy. Now I will be able to sleep for a few hours and it will be so peaceful….

Story of MY Life in Small Sections – Part Two

Today I am going back to when I was age four. That is the earliest memory I have and, of course, it’s a bad one…..

The year was 1973, school was in session for all of my siblings. My brother is 11 years older than I am. My three sister are 10, 9 and 8 years older than I am. (15,14,13,12). I was always excited to watch my siblings get on the bus every morning. I would stand behind the curtain of the giant picture window and watch them waiting for the bus, then boarding the school bus. I can remember this like it was yesterday. I felt excitement and I just couldn’t wait until I could get on that big bus with them. On this particular day, I waited excitedly as my siblings boarded the school bus and after it drove away, I went back to sit in front of the large TV that was playing Sesame Street. My mother was in the kitchen. I climbed into the laundry basket and played with clothes pins as I watched the show. I clipped each clothes pin to the next until I had a long chain of clothes pins. I remember my mother said something to me, but I just can’t recall what it was or what my response was. Suddenly, she was next to me screaming at me and then she lifted me out of the laundry basket and placed me on the floor. She smacked me a few times and the next thing I knew, her hands were around my neck and squeezing hard. I couldn’t breathe and my body was in a panic. Why was she doing this to me? Everything became dark……. I remember panicking and then I must of passed out. I have no memory of anything that happened after that. Just darkness…… I think she must of panicked herself when I passed out and being a nurse, she probably did what she could to get me breathing again.

I have many memories of my mother loosing is and abusing all of us kids. I was smacked around and thrown into the picture window once, that I recall. My mother would just plain snap into a psychotic person and then the beating would begin. I can also remember my parent fighting in the kitchen and throwing things at each other. One particular time, I was peaking around the corner into the kitchen as they fought and my mother threw the bottle of Sacrin (little pills of sweetener) at my father and it busted and the tiny little pills went everywhere, even near where I was peaking into the kitchen. I started to pick them up and my sister, Sheryll, came up to me and grabbed me and told me not to do that and just come to the bedroom with her. My one sister was always there for me……. I grew up very close to her and I miss her so very much now that I live so far away.

I think I have Never stole a thing in my life, because the day my sister, Sherry, stole a candy bar from a store and they called my parents, that is a day I will never forget. I was 5 years old and my sister was 14 years old. When my parents came home with my sister, my father was yelling at her and he took her upstairs to her room. I was downstairs in the living room and I could hear it all. My father whipped her repeatedly and her screams sent terror through my entire body. I remember yelling out, “make him stop, he is going to kill my sister!” I am the only person I personally know, that has NEVER stole a single thing In their entire life. I guess the possibility of death for that crime was enough to make sure I never did it!

I have absolutely no memory of my brother ever getting a beating and my sisters all said he never did. I guess he was treated differently because he was male. My mother always said she preferred boys over girls. I was a giant accident for my parents. See, my parents and all of my siblings were born in Massachusetts. Religion was against any form of birth control and that explains why my parents had four kids by the time they were 18, but my mothers doctor in Massachusetts found a way to give her birth control pills, by saying it was medically necessary. They moved to New York when my father transferred jobs. The doctor in New York told my mother that she would most likely never become pregnant again since she had been on such a high dose of birth control pills. My mother never had a period after they stopped the birth control pills. Surprise, your pregnant and here comes baby number five! I guess my father immediately went in to get himself fixed after that. They had hoped I would be a boy, but unfortunately, I was another girl. Strangely, there are NO pictures of me from when I was born. The first picture of me was when I was around three months of age. I spent most of my young years believing that I must of been adopted. All of my siblings had the same initials, SBH, but then there was me and my initials were LAH. My mom insists she just did not like any other S name. My mother had the five of us and she kept special needs foster children too. She was so emotionally unstable I have no clue how she did that. She also baked the best tasting cakes ever and sold them. I loved when she would bake cakes, because I would always get the frosting that was left in the icing tube…… To this day, if I eat too much sugar, my tongue gets a tickling feeling in it and I cannot eat anymore.

My childhood, age 0-10, was full of abuse and some cool things as well. I was born in New York and I had many friends. Then we moved away and my life changed so greatly for the negative, I often wonder what my life would of been like if we had never moved away from New York. We moved a couple of times during my tenth year of life, then we settled in Northern, Illinois and the children were horrible to me. But that’s a whole different post for another day…..