“To be happy, each of us must create meaning
and joy from the raw material of everyday life.”
~ How to Defend Against Emotional Muggers, Martha Beck
I was not raised with any form of religion. I had never been brought to church as a child. The only time I ever was in a church, was when I was young, for a wedding. In my teen years I was always connected to the earth and doing the right thing for nature. I have always felt a spiritual connection with a higher power. For the last 30 years I read about many religions and beliefs and I always felt that my connection with nature was right and It is for me.
I often wondered how to pray. I have read many blogs and scripture on this matter and I attempted to pray on several occasions. Then, yesterday as I was being swept over in all the emotional turmoil that I seem to always go through, I began to cry and I put my hands together and begged GOD to take away my mental problems and all the negativity and to fill my heart with only Love. I did not even think before I did this, it came purely from my heart. I wobbled and had trouble standing. Within seconds I felt like a great weight was lifted from me. I looked for my negative thoughts and couldn’t find them. I had never experienced anything like this in my entire life. I now understand all the things I read about when the time is right, you will experience the Love of GOD. In this moment, I finally let everything go to GOD without question. That was something I had never been able to fully do before.
I am very grateful to finally have experienced this and I feel a great desire to continue praying each and every day. It is so difficult to completely give up any form of control I have over things. I always held on somewhat and just couldn’t release it completely before. Every time I read others stories about when they finally felt connected to GOD, I always wondered how and if it would ever happen to me.
I worked very hard for my first two weeks here on my retreat and then I had a very emotional weekend when my grandmother in law passed away and I was not home to comfort my loved ones and missed the viewing and funeral. In the three days, I went through so much negative thinking and endless emotional pain. Then things eased up for me after I received much needed reassurance from my loved ones. Though, I kept having negative thoughts enter my mind out of no where! My break down yesterday was sudden and out of the blue. The release I felt once I let it all go to GOD was profound!
The day before this occurred, I had an epiphany. I realized how deep my love was for “B” and how I could not feel that kind of love without feeling the complete opposite of it. We can either feel all emotions or feel none and I do not ever want to not be able to feel that deep form of love, so I accept the bad with the good. I also realized that I needed to focus more on making him happy than trying to get the emotional and sexual things I wanted from him. That it would all fall into place once I let go of trying to control any of it and spent my energy on expressing my deep love instead. We argue a lot. Much of it would come from how forgetful he is and how I always felt ignored and not heard. We have to accept the ones we love as they are. We cannot change them, but we can change how we react to things. Once I expressed my deepest raw feelings to him, he offered up beautiful words that brought a loving smile to my face every time I read them.
When we were first together eight years ago, he would sing to me in the morning. He would sing the song, “Good Morning Beautiful” and a few days ago, while he was at his mothers for grandma’s funeral, he told me that his uncle had that song as his ring tone and every time he heard it he thought of me. Just hearing that from him lifted me up and love flowed through me. I suddenly missed him so badly I didn’t want to spend another second away from him. Amazing how simple words that express love and thought can transform how I feel. I won’t get to see him for another three days and I have found myself feeling very excited about seeing him and holding him again. I now have a beautiful thing to look forward to and I absolutely love how it feels. I had not felt this kind of excitement in sometime. As if my love was completely renewed just by the few things he had finally said to me. Actually, that love has always been there, but negativity and arguing got in the way of my ability to feel it.
I am determined to make this all work and for love and happiness to be the center of our time left on this earthly plane. I have the power to control how I react to things and how I say things. Everyone wants to feel like they are loved and desired. Reminding the one you love on a daily basis that they are loved and desired will and can go a very long way. We all want to feel good about ourselves and hear it from others too. I used to always build him up with my words and I had not done that in sometime. I see how getting back to building him up will create a flow of love in return from him again. I will immediately pray when I feel down or overwhelmed now. Pray for love to fill my heart and the negative thoughts to forever leave my mind. I know I can do this! I want to do this! I have never wanted to be with anyone else and I allowed the negativity in our lives to cloud my pure thoughts and feelings of love. When I find myself thinking negatively and feeling down, I will remind myself of all of this and I do have the power to change each and every negative thing………….
This photo is back from Thanksgiving of us…