Being in the Here & Now…

One thing we must learn is how to be in the present moment.  This takes practice!  For a while, the mind will keep bringing up thoughts of the past or even the future.  The past is over and cannot be changed.  The future has not happened.  

Each day, take what ever time you possibly can to practice being mindful.  In the present moment.  Start by doing three deep and slow cleansing breaths.  Relax your body!  Then, just pay attention to what is going on right now!  Involving your five senses.  What do you hear?  What do you see?  What do you smell?  What do you taste?  What do you feel?  

Every time a thought of past or future pops into your mind, acknowledge that thought, then tell yourself that is the past or has not happened yet and return to being in the present moment.  At first, your mind will bring up thoughts a lot!  Be persistent, you can over come those thoughts.  After all, your are the one in control of yourself.  

You can do ANYTHING you put your mind to and with practice.  We are beautiful creatures of the light/love.  After I almost died and had to have a very large surgery to save my life, I had no balance or muscle left in my body.  I took it one day at a time and I would spend a few minutes just trying to stand on one foot.  At first, I had to hold on to a chair, but after a while I was able to let go of the chair and finally, I could stand on one foot for a long time.  This is true for anything you want to obtain.  Start small and give it your best each and every day!  There is nothing you cannot do!

Here is an exercise for when you feel down, that I have found to be helpful.  Look in the mirror, smile at yourself!  Smiling actually releases chemicals in the brain that help us feel better and looking at yourself as you force a smile on your face is pretty funny!  The next thing you know, you are smiling without even trying to smile.  

Starting your day on a positive loving note is the best way to begin.  Be sure you get enough sleep!  Take in at least three deep and slow breaths to cleanse your body.  Think of things you are grateful for and say them out loud!  Still feeling down?  Go to the mirror and smile at yourself!  Exercise is also a great way to release feel good chemicals in the body.  If you have never exercised before, then just do some slow stretches or even basic yoga poses.  Taking a walk is one of the best ways to get exercise into your life.  I think walking is the number one form of exercise.  Try to take in those three deep slow breaths several times a day.  Be sure to practice being in the present moment!  You will not be disappointedly!  It is amazing what happens after you practice this on a daily basis and you get past the thoughts from popping up in your mind.  Nature is an amazing and beautiful place…………


    After My Vacation…

The three weeks I spent in the perfect Peace at my parents house was very nice.  I did not once have a horrible splitting headache and my pain levels where much better for the most part.  I know, for a fact, that stress contributes a lot towards the level of my pain.  I felt care free and I had zero stress while I was there, except for when my son informed me of the things my daughter was doing.  I also, meditated every single day.  I did not worry about how I was going to obtain things I needed or if my kids were going to take care of something.  I also went to the gym with my mom once a week while I was there.  I saw how much going to the gym helped me physically and mentally.  Even though I could not do a whole lot, it still benefited me in many ways.

I was home for three days before the stress and worry had its grips on me again.  Last night I had one of the worst headaches I have ever had in my life.  It ruined my time out with a great person.  I have NO life here.  My life is this…. Get up, wait to feel good enough to function, do my chores, watch my grandson and go to bed.  Just trying to fit in dating seems near impossible, because I have to watch my grandson while my daughter works and she has to use my vehicle.  She thinks the entire world revolves around her.  I told her I do not have a life and she said, “Yes you do!”  I raised my kids, this is supposed to be my time, to actually have a life I want, not dng for everyone else.  I woke in a great mood the last two days and my daughter single handedly ruined them.  When she wakes up, she starts yelling and cussing.  Sounds horrible.  The stress instantly rips through my entire being.  She says crap that is just not right!  I also have not had the time to meditate.  I have to change this!

I joined the gym near here.  I MUST make sure I get to the gym and meditate.  The gym offers massage and tanning so I can sneak in meditation there too.  The only draw back is that my ex goes to that gym, so I am hoping I go when he doesn’t.  I don’t care if he is there, but he has to have a fit about stupid things.  My plan is to go three times a week.  Work out, do the massage and then lay in the tanning bed.  I want my entire body tan and it is just not safe to lay out here naked…lol!

I have met a couple of Guys and went on a few dates.  One of them I do like and will see more of.  It is funny how when Spring hits there are a lot of guys interested.  I just want a decent boyfriend to do things with and know I have another half.  I do not want him to live with me!  I really wish my friend from high school lived here, he is perfect for me!  I guess I need to just focus on me… Meaning, I need to go to the gym and meditate and not worry about having a boyfriend or anything else.  I really don’t have the time for it.

I need to build my own life.  I also need to delegate chores to the others in this house.  It is time for spring cleaning.  I should not be the only one doing everything!  I know when I was away from here, I felt at peace.  Now I spend too much time wanting to leave and find my peace again………….  


Day 7 away from the Stress…

I have fully enjoyed the complete peace and quiet here.  No reason to tense up and be on edge.  My son, however, informed me yesterday that my daughter has been making some very bad choices.  I am not sure why, when I am away from home, she does this.  So, I was pretty tense and stressed out yesterday when I found out she had grabbed my grandson and choked him.  Luckily, my son intervened and stopped it.  I am most likely going to have to have her removed again.  If she would just stop doing what ever drug she can get her hands on, I am sure she would improve greatly!  Enough of that, I am away from home so I don’t have to deal with those things…

I spent an hour doing a deep meditation yesterday.  I always want to stay in there, my entire body so relaxed and it is very peaceful.  I need to get back on track of doing a deep meditation every day.  You connect with your inner self that way.  It helps in many ways, even with your physical health.

My biggest problem when it comes to men is, expectations.  I seem to always expect them to be or do things as I would, which leaves me very disappointed.  I have been focusing on this part of me and reminding myself that no one is just like me and I cannot make someone do things just because I think they should.  Let me tell you, this is a very hard thing to over come.  Though, it is the one thing that always puts me in a sad place, so loose the expectations and I will not become greatly disappointed.

I have also found it very rare to find someone I am even slightly attracted to.  I have found a couple and they have all turned out to be liars…lol!  Recently, I found another one and I asked all the important questions, in which he responded very well too.  So, I chose to give this a go.  For me, I will only be with one man at a time.  I put all I have into it and focus only on him.  We have a lot in common, so what is the draw back?  He is a truck driver, so I will see him once a month maybe.  Now, this can be a good thing if I can stop with the expectations.  I keep busy and I have said before how great it would be to just see my guy on the weekends or every other weekend.  With him I will only see him a couple of days a month or so.  He keeps saying how it really is hard on relationships and how he has not ever found someone who can handle it.  It is all in how you perceive things and react to them.  Keeping it all positive will be key and enjoying the time we do have together.  We text every day, so that is good.  I am even willing to go on a run with him in order to spend more time together. So, I will see where this goes.  He has one son and he is 16 years old.  I want to find the one who will be my best friend and who I can enjoy my senior years with!

Back to working on myself…  

1.  Notice and catch all negative thoughts.  Do NOt say them out loud and change them to a positive thought.

2.  Say Positive Affirmations every day!

3.  Take the time to meditate, even if it is just a 20 minute deep breathing session!

4.  Do something every day to pamper yourself!

5.  Put forth effort to look at people, be in the moment and smile!

Meditation to Heal….

I laid back down this morning, being sick will make you need lots of sleep. I did a meditation to help heal my body and get this infection abscess out of me. I started by relaxing and then I called to GOD and my guides to heal me. I envisioned the healing light fill my body and then I imagined little angels flying into my body and taking pieces of the abscess away. Then I fell asleep.

When I woke I was able to use the bathroom much more normal. I had been having trouble feeling a full bladder and getting it all out, but when I woke I went to the bathroom like normal. So, I will continue this meditation every morning when I lay down for my needed morning nap. I had read stories over the years of kids with cancer that would see the cancer being eaten by PAC man or other creatures and they improved dramatically. Some even got rid of all the cancer.

Our minds are powerful and we have the ability to create so much more than anyone seems to realize. I am willing to do anything possible to heal and recover from this mess. I look forward to being on the other side of healing and having only the memory of what had happened.

My friend brought me over a bag of Shakology and some almond milk. My blood levels are low and I am anemic. I am on iron supplement and I need a way to get protein in me when I can’t really eat much. I am excited to try it out. I hope it tastes great too. I have always wanted to try almond milk too. Shakology has everything your body needs to be healthy and heal and lots of people use it to loose weight and get healthy. Here is to hoping it gives my body the boost it needs to heal and recover………….

Adjusting To Being Back Home…

I discovered like so many spiritual practitioners before me that we can have all that what we normally expect from outer sources right now. Through meditation we can feel secure, no matter how much or how little money we have. We can feel loved whether we have a loving partner or not and we can actually feel deeply happy even if there is nothing special in our life that would normally bring us this feeling.

I encourage everyone to give meditation a shot. Back when I began the meditative journey I am on, I started with guided meditations on CD. After a while you get used to bringing yourself down to a meditative state and you will no longer need a guide to get you there. When I have a question, I can usually find the answer by meditating. It is very much like all answers are within our very own soul. Meditation brings up an all encompassing feeling of love that you cannot obtain from another person.

I remember back when I was actively meditating one hour every day in order to get ahold of my severe panic attacks. The first time I felt the true connection to spirit. In my meditation, I brought myself down to a very relaxed state, I noticed that I felt as if I was actually coming from my heart area of my body. Normally we all think and feel like we come from the mind area of the body. Right now, notice where you feel like your thoughts and being is coming from. For me, I always felt like I was coming from my head. In this meditation I suddenly felt like I was centered in my chest, as if my thoughts and my mind were there and not in my head. I felt a profound and deep feeling of peace and joy. I did not ever want to leave that feeling. That is when I realized that our spirit or soul is actually houses in the center of our chest and not our head where the brain is. The human mind or the EGO mind is in the head. Knowing this and feeling this, makes it easier to see when you are coming from your spirit or your EGO mind. Remember, all things coming from our spirit are of love and all things that come from the EGO mind are not love. There are only two feelings in life, either LoVE or not love.

It is much like our spirit is housed in the center of our human body and we have to find a way to always come from our spirit and not the human EGO mind. When you can feel the difference between the two, it becomes much easier to know what thoughts are spiritual and what thoughts are just a bored EGO mind. Then you can separate yourself from the EGO mind. This is a daily activity that will need to be done for all the days that the human body is here on this earthly plane. We are spirits living in a human body to experience life on earth. Our biggest obstacles are created by our EGO mind, not outside circumstances or people. How we react to things and how we talk to ourselves plays the huge roll in how we feel. It is almost as if we all have two people in the same body. One is loving and peaceful and the other one is negative and gets bored easily. I see my EGO mind as a spoiled child with constant negative thoughts. My spirit tries to soothe this child and teach it to think more positive thoughts. Sometimes the child throws huge temper tantrums and takes over. We just need to be able to see the separation of the two so we can remind ourselves that we are not that spoiled child, but rather the beautiful loving and peaceful spirit that resides in our hearts. We can choose to ignore the temper tantrums and pay closer attention to our loving thoughts instead.

Even the most experienced meditative being still has to battle the spoiled child within themselves. Though, over time, it does become easier to separate the two and keep your focus on the loving and peaceful spirit instead of the spoiled child………….


Day 20, Giving Things Over to a Higher Power…

“To be happy, each of us must create meaning
and joy from the raw material of everyday life.”

~ How to Defend Against Emotional Muggers, Martha Beck

I was not raised with any form of religion. I had never been brought to church as a child. The only time I ever was in a church, was when I was young, for a wedding. In my teen years I was always connected to the earth and doing the right thing for nature. I have always felt a spiritual connection with a higher power. For the last 30 years I read about many religions and beliefs and I always felt that my connection with nature was right and It is for me.

I often wondered how to pray. I have read many blogs and scripture on this matter and I attempted to pray on several occasions. Then, yesterday as I was being swept over in all the emotional turmoil that I seem to always go through, I began to cry and I put my hands together and begged GOD to take away my mental problems and all the negativity and to fill my heart with only Love. I did not even think before I did this, it came purely from my heart. I wobbled and had trouble standing. Within seconds I felt like a great weight was lifted from me. I looked for my negative thoughts and couldn’t find them. I had never experienced anything like this in my entire life. I now understand all the things I read about when the time is right, you will experience the Love of GOD. In this moment, I finally let everything go to GOD without question. That was something I had never been able to fully do before.

I am very grateful to finally have experienced this and I feel a great desire to continue praying each and every day. It is so difficult to completely give up any form of control I have over things. I always held on somewhat and just couldn’t release it completely before. Every time I read others stories about when they finally felt connected to GOD, I always wondered how and if it would ever happen to me.

I worked very hard for my first two weeks here on my retreat and then I had a very emotional weekend when my grandmother in law passed away and I was not home to comfort my loved ones and missed the viewing and funeral. In the three days, I went through so much negative thinking and endless emotional pain. Then things eased up for me after I received much needed reassurance from my loved ones. Though, I kept having negative thoughts enter my mind out of no where! My break down yesterday was sudden and out of the blue. The release I felt once I let it all go to GOD was profound!

The day before this occurred, I had an epiphany. I realized how deep my love was for “B” and how I could not feel that kind of love without feeling the complete opposite of it. We can either feel all emotions or feel none and I do not ever want to not be able to feel that deep form of love, so I accept the bad with the good. I also realized that I needed to focus more on making him happy than trying to get the emotional and sexual things I wanted from him. That it would all fall into place once I let go of trying to control any of it and spent my energy on expressing my deep love instead. We argue a lot. Much of it would come from how forgetful he is and how I always felt ignored and not heard. We have to accept the ones we love as they are. We cannot change them, but we can change how we react to things. Once I expressed my deepest raw feelings to him, he offered up beautiful words that brought a loving smile to my face every time I read them.

When we were first together eight years ago, he would sing to me in the morning. He would sing the song, “Good Morning Beautiful” and a few days ago, while he was at his mothers for grandma’s funeral, he told me that his uncle had that song as his ring tone and every time he heard it he thought of me. Just hearing that from him lifted me up and love flowed through me. I suddenly missed him so badly I didn’t want to spend another second away from him. Amazing how simple words that express love and thought can transform how I feel. I won’t get to see him for another three days and I have found myself feeling very excited about seeing him and holding him again. I now have a beautiful thing to look forward to and I absolutely love how it feels. I had not felt this kind of excitement in sometime. As if my love was completely renewed just by the few things he had finally said to me. Actually, that love has always been there, but negativity and arguing got in the way of my ability to feel it.

I am determined to make this all work and for love and happiness to be the center of our time left on this earthly plane. I have the power to control how I react to things and how I say things. Everyone wants to feel like they are loved and desired. Reminding the one you love on a daily basis that they are loved and desired will and can go a very long way. We all want to feel good about ourselves and hear it from others too. I used to always build him up with my words and I had not done that in sometime. I see how getting back to building him up will create a flow of love in return from him again. I will immediately pray when I feel down or overwhelmed now. Pray for love to fill my heart and the negative thoughts to forever leave my mind. I know I can do this! I want to do this! I have never wanted to be with anyone else and I allowed the negativity in our lives to cloud my pure thoughts and feelings of love. When I find myself thinking negatively and feeling down, I will remind myself of all of this and I do have the power to change each and every negative thing………….

This photo is back from Thanksgiving of us…

Day 6, Struggling with Negativity…

The weather today here is very windy, cloudy and cold in the low 50’s. This kind of weather tends to make it difficult for me to be positive. My pain levels were very high yesterday and last night. I had to make myself reassess what I need to be doing while I am here and look at the negative thoughts that were consuming my mind this morning.

At first, I had my brother and one sister came to mind. The negative things with them, so I knew I needed to look at that. It is all in the past and I cannot change any of it, but I can acknowledge the emotions and remind myself that I need to not have any expectations of other people. I removed the connection to them from my life, so I would no longer be negatively affected by them and I can choose to remember only the good things that occurred in those relationships, while not obsessing on all the hateful things they did.

Then, I realized I was greatly bothered by a statement my mother made yesterday. She had stated to a friend, in front of me, that I am not old enough to live here. Even though I am the same age my sister was when she lived here and my father told me I could live here if I chose too. I have to remind myself that she was most likely stating that I could not buy a home and live here that way, but I was allowing it to negatively effect me. Feeling that she was saying she did not want me to live here. None of this should be an issue anyway, since I really do not want to actually live here, just be able to get away to here yearly. So, why is it bothering me so darn much? I guess it is the thought that I am having, that my mom really doesn’t want me to be here. However, that is all in my own head. This is what I need to work on!

I have repeated my affirmations and I am faking it until I make it, like I am supposed to be doing. I also need to be taking an hour every day to go into a deep meditation. I did a light meditation yesterday and I really need to be doing a deep one daily. I have to get back on track with the plan I had in place. I wanted to eat very healthy while I was here, because I could and I have not done a good job with that either. I have ate everything available instead of making proper choices. That would be due to not having much food back home and suddenly having food to eat here, so that is expected. There is nothing wrong with that, I just need to refocus.

Our thoughts really do play a huge roll in how we feel mentally. Dwelling on negative things or stuff from our past, is much like a domino effect. It sets off a long line of negative thoughts and emotions. When we can recognize this, we can choose to replace the negative thoughts with positive ones. Just be sure that you do not stuff the thoughts or emotions, because stuffing them only causes them all to explode at once. Instead, take a look at the thought or emotions. Ask yourself what you are really feeling. Then remind yourself that you have a choice wether or not you allow it to negatively affect you. You see the thought or emotion, then feel it and assess what it really means to you, then you allow it to move on and replace it with positive affirmations. This does work, it takes time and effort, but you can work through things this way. For me, when I reflect in the morning after I wake up, I usually find that my thoughts or emotions are showing me what is really bothering me when I did not realize it was. Stuffing them back down only creates a huge explosion of it all to emerge at once and you will not even know what is really bothering you when this happens. Be gentle to yourself, reminding yourself that all is ok and wrap yourself in your own love. At the time, it may feel like a darkness that may never leave, but when you really acknowledge each thought or emotion and choose to work through each of them instead of stuffing them, you do find yourself in a beautiful, sunny place with darkness no where to be found………….

The sunset two nights ago……