WHY???

1.  I want to know why the doctors refuse to give me the medication that works the best for my panic disorder here, yet others seem to get it prescribed and turn around and sell it!  It pisses me off!  Alprozolam/Xanax is the absolute best medication for my panic disorder.  I was on that for over 10 years and that medication stops the attacks while also allowing me to feel completely NORMAL.  I Had tried many different medication, most that did not work at all.  I was originally put on Xanax down here back in 1995. When I moved back here, I was told they couldn’t give me that anymore.  They tried Klonopin, but that made me feel drunk and I don’t drink.  They put me on Ativan/Lorazapam.  This medication helps, but takes an hour to work at all and causes me to feel even more tired.  Xanax was made for someone just like me.  I was told that Xanax has a high abuse level and that is why they wouldn’t give it to me.  Let me tell you, I have NEVER abused medication, I have NEVER sold my medication and I have NEVER even shared my medication!!!  So, I am not allowed to be on the one medication that helps the most and allows me to feel normal.  WTF…

2.  Why is it that doctors never seem to give enough medication to actually cover the massive pain you live with every day of your life?  For the last 7 years I have been living with major intractable pain, that gets worse every damn year.  It took 6 years to just get on a medication that actually does help some.  After trying several different non-opioid medications that caused me to be severely depressed or suicidal or swell so bad I couldn’t walk at all.  Now the CDC is going after opioid medication like a steak dangling before a starved dog.  They are putting doctors in jail whose only crime was prescribing life saving opioids to patients in horrible pain.  The patients that are able to get up and go to work only because they have opioid medication to help them accomplish it.   The CDC wants ALL opioid medication gone by 2019.  That’s right, even the ones used in the hospital after surgery!  They are saying that we have an opioid crisis and people are dying.  The problem is they are grouping all the drug addicts that die from heroin and street drugs in the same group as chronic pain patients, because heroin is an opioid.  So what this does is take away the life saving medication from real pain patients.  Now these patients can no longer get up and go to work. Several have already taken their own lives, because the pain (untreated) is more than they can endure.  Many states here in the USA have adopted the CDC guidelines as rules and they have taken all the opioids away from the chronic pain patients there, or at the very least they have cut the medication way down.  This terrifies me, because if or when this happens to me, I will be one of the ones that is forced to just end my life.  Yes, you are going to see a massive increase in suicides over the next two years.  Just do a search online for “opioid crisis”. You will see the many things that the CDC has already started.  

3.  Why am I constantly being punished for being poor?  I worked for years and made very good money.  It is NOT my fault that I became disabled or that my ex-husband chose to walk out on me while I was recovering from  two major surgeries that saved my life.  Yet, every time I turn around, I am being punished for being poor!   If I had money, I would be able to pay the $100 for the Neurobehavioral Exam I need in order to obtain the Spinal Cord Stimulator, which may very well help with my constant intractable pain.  If I had money, I could get much better treatment and the best medications.  If I had money, I could afford to eat healthy, which would most likely help me on many levels.  But I don’t have money.  I struggle every month just to survive.  Let me break it down for you in my monthly bills and income: Mortgage-$482, Electric (budget billing) $158, Gas (budget billing) $42, Water-$90, RX copays-$30 = $802.00. My income per month is $813.00. That leaves me with $11.00 a month to buy toilet paper, personal hygiene items, etc.  I receive $200 a month in Foodstamps to replenish food items I need (like sugar,flour & condiments) and buy food to feed me for the entire month.  This is very difficult to do, so in order to have food to eat every day, I have to pick the cheapest options.  These are also the NOT good for you options.  My vehicle quit running two years ago and I don’t have money to have it fixed, plus I don’t have funds to pay for insurance or gas anyway.  My gas range (stove/oven) quit working over a year ago, again I do not have funds to have it fixed or buy a new one.  The dryer is on its way out as well.  Yes, I have tried everywhere here for any kind of help and there is none!  

Ok, that’s enough, I am feeling extremely depressed now………….

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That’s It, I Am Done…

My pain doctor said I had to get a letter from my other doctor that prescribes my anxiety medication in order to continue to get my pain meds.  The letter needs to state why I need to take the medication and that there are no other alternatives.  I am disabled with Panic Disorder and Agoraphobia, that alone should state why I need the medication.  For 22 years I have fought the panic with agoraphobia cycles.  Today, my other doctor told me that he won’t do the letter, because it will make him liable if I die.  After I explained repeatedly and cried telling him I have already been through every medication out there over the last two decades and I am on the only one that even slightly helps, he still refused.  Now my anxiety medication has been taken away and I am given antihistamines.  I already know this road.  First I will withdrawal which is horrible and then the antihistamines will make me tired and increase my major depression.  So by doing this, the doctor has now greatly increased the chance that I will end my own life…

I cannot deal with anymore crap.  I am already struggling to survive and barely able to leave my home for appointments.  My sister tells me I eat too much bad food and I will be just fine if I eat healthy.  Hey guess what, I have $200 a month to get what the household needs and feed myself.  I can’t stand long to really cook much either.  All she did was make me feel even crappier and more depressed.  I don’t know why I keep reaching out to my siblings, it is never supportive or loving.  I have three siblings still alive.  Not one of them can even comprehend what I deal with, since they have not ever gone through any of my demons.  They have never had panic or agoraphobia or depression or chronic pain, etc.  I read that people can survive even cancer when they have a good support system.  Guess what….. I don’t have a support system at all…

I am exhausted, warn out, too damn tired!  I can’t even see right from all the stress, panic, anxiety (yes, panic and anxiety are two completely different things) and crying today.  I have fought hard and long to survive, now it is time for me to rest!  I so long for eternal peace.  I mentally and physically cannot do another thing.  I feel drunk, yet I don’t drink.  That is what all of this has done to me just today.  I give up!  I shall sleep while I can, because sleep will be fleeting without my medication………….

Struggling with ???’s…

Every year my pain gets worse and spreads.  The doctors say my nerves are permanently damaged and there is nothing they can do for me, other than the pain meds I currently take.  These meds do help some with the pain, but they do not stop it from getting worse or spreading.  Every single thing I do, requires great effort and uses up what energy I do have!

I have struggled my entire life with depression.  I have been on medications that make it worse and cause suicidal thoughts.  Of course, I stopped those meds!  Now I am battling a depression that just won’t ease up.  Most of it is due to the pain.  Everytime I have to stand on my feet or walk, even just to the bathroom, it is horrible!  I try so hard every single day, to occupy my mind and not let the depression suck me completely down, which wears me out quickly…

One of my nieces came for four days to visit me, from last Thursday until this Monday.  It was very nice to see her.  She is the only one, in my entire family, that has ever come here and she has been here twice!  That just adds to the depressed thoughts.  I have always been there for everyone in my family, yet they are not here for me!  

Do I really want to spend another year or years with the pain getting even worse?  I am disabled and try to survive on $810 a month and I have a mortgage.  The only food I can get is with the $107 in Foodstamps I get, for the entire month!  I am tired of trying to find things to eat, which are always not good for you.  The cheapest food is not healthy food!  I feel the best when I eat only naturally occurring foods.  I tried to grow them, but I can’t afford the additive to the ground or anything to treat the disease that keeps killing them off.  They do great half way through, then always die or are eaten by pests…

Why have I been married three times and the last two husbands had to cheat then leave me?  I never once said no to sex, yet they would tell me no…  One was for 16 years and the last one was for 8 years…  I have come to a place, either from being burned so much by men or because of the hysterectomy in 2014, that I do NOT want to even tolerate another man.  I do not try to date or find someone.  I did for a few month over a year ago, but that is when I found I just can’t trust or stand another man…

Now my gas oven no longer works and I can’t afford to fix it or get another one.  The microwave quit a while ago.  The fridge goes out occasionally right now.  My coffee maker quit working yesterday!  I have nothing to get another with…

I am only here in this house and not living with my parents, so my son has a roof over his head.  He is insulin dependent and resistant.  He can’t work, when he has tried he gets extremely ill.  I already lost my oldest son to a car accident, my daughter is a drug addict and I will loose my youngest too.  My daughter is only allowed to stop by to see me with prior approval and can only stay up to two hours, because she is strung out so bad!  I had to let my grandson, which I raised from birth to age five, go live with his father last year!  Which is far away…

So, why do I continue to stay here on earth and deal with all of this hell?  Things continue to get worse and will…  I have been through so much, I should write a book.   I know people who have killed themselves after going through one of the things I have been though.  I am told I am strong, because I am still here!  In reality, I am here, because I am to scared to die…  That is NOT strong!  So, I am questioning a lot of things now.  Why do I continue to torture myself?………….

8 days Post-Op of 2nd Surgery…

Today is day 8 of my post-op for the large abdominal surgery to fix all the complications from my radical hysterectomy. Yesterday was a bad pain day, but today I am doing pretty good. The pain changes like the wave of the tide. You can feel pretty good and then, wham, your hurting like nobodies business!

Yesterday I took a shower. After a major surgery, taking a shower wipes you out completely and increases pain levels. This seems to go on for weeks. You have to only plan on taking a shower and then a nap.

Today, my pain has been much better. I don’t have my incision screaming at me like it did yesterday. The catheter is still a huge problem. My entire abdominal muscles wrench up tight through out the day. Sometime while I urinate and sometimes I don’t urinate. The doctor called in a medication that is supposed to help that and turns your pee orange. Actually it’s an orange red color. The problem is, I am still wrenching up. Not as often, but it is still happening. I did, however, get seven hours of sleep last night, so the medication must be helping out some. My catheter bag was filled to the top when I woke at 7:30. I among supposed to lift anything and when that bag is full it is super heavy. Luckily, my mom was right there to carry it into the bathroom for me and dump it. It hurts up in my pee hole all the time. I think my body wrenches up because it is trying to get the damn thing out of me.

The Drain is still painful and I still get stabbing pains deep inside me where it is. It should come out tomorrow at my doctors visit though so that will all stop then. They are also removing my staples. I am going to beg for the catheter to be removed. Tomorrow is 9 days and that is plenty of time for allowing my bladder to rest from the surgery where they had to fix the hole in the ureter and reattach it to my bladder. The longer a catheter is in, the harder it is for you to pee on your own. He said I had to keep it in 1-2 weeks. My incision is very large, it goes a good 4-5″ past my belly button, but it looks very good. So far anyone who sees it is shocked at how big it is. No one has seen an incision this big. My doctor said he needed a lot of room to work and repair everything. They had to manipulate my intestines and clean out all the infection in my abdomen. That scares me, because that is what had to be done to my son when his appendix ruptured and he ended up with scarring on his intestines that would periodically cause blockages and he would be in a ton of pain, go to the ER and end up with an NG tube. I now understand why he hated that tube so much and said he was never having it again. It royally sucks!

I have had major swelling my in my legs and feet. I sleep with my legs propped up and I still have a ton of swelling. The doctor called in two doses of lasix to help expel all the fluid. I took one dose today. I take the other dose tomorrow. Hopefully the swelling will go down. It started on Saturday. They said I have the swelling because they had to pump a ton of fluids in me in the OR to bring my levels up. I was right at needing a blood transfusion. Then they also put a lot of fluid in me cleaning out the infection. Never in my life have I bruised easy or bled a lot, but ever since the hysterectomy surgery I have been anemic and bruise easy and bleed a lot. The doctor keeps saying I had to of been this way before, but is never was. I have some nasty looking bruises on my arms from I don’t know what. I just want to heal and be back to normal! Since I woke today my left hand has been numb and tingly.

I am 7 weeks post-op now from my first surgery. I should be pretty much back to normal, but nothing was right after the hysterectomy. I bled a lot out of my vagina and you normally just spot. This last surgery they closed the hole in my vaginally cuff and I am just spotting like I should of done to begin with. I am on HysterSisters site and everyone who had a hysterectomy in the same time frame as me posts under the same area. Everyone is back to mostly normal. One person had a few UTI’s during recovery and I am the only one who had all kinds of problems. It took my doctor way to long to find all the issues I had going on too. I basically had to tell him that I felt like I was peeing out of my vagina for him to find that I had a hole in my ureter, which most likely happened during my surgery and cause all the other problems, because it was not caught and treated quickly. Ugh… Makes me so mad, but I am trying not to keep dwelling all that negative crap.

I get up around 7am everyday and sit, take my meds and then occupy my mind with email and games for a while, usually two hours. Then I walk around the house slowly and then I have to lay back down with my legs propped up. Every few hours I walk around the house slowly and the lay back down. Often I fall asleep for an hour when I lay down. After major surgery the first 1-2 weeks you sleep a lot. This is my life right now. For 6-8 weeks I cannot do a single thing. Only walk out to the dinner table to eat, lay in bed or sit for a bit. I don’t know what I am going to do when my mom goes home. She is taking me to the doctor tomorrow and I imagine she will not stay here past this coming weekend. She has been here since last Wednesday. She takes care of everything for me. She even makes sure my catheter bag does back up with all the fluid coming out of me from swelling. No one else here would do that. No one even checks on me here. I want to go home with her, but I have a scan next week and another scan the following week and back to the doctor the day after that. I know she is bored out of her mind sitting around here all the time. Normally she golfs and does all kinds of stuff at home. My parents live in a huge and very nice retirement community in Florida called the Villages.

I need to go lay back down in bed, though I really don’t want too, but my feet are blown up like balloons. Guess I will take a nap took………….

Wham… Destruction, Chaos & Depression…

I had two days where everything and everyone was calm. I even was able to get some cleaning done. It is amazing how stress and the people around you can deeply affect your pain levels and mood.

Yesterday, my daughter received her final check from work. She decided not to pay my son for the babysitting he did that week. Even though I told her it was wrong to do that! My son spent the entire day and night bitching at me and telling me I had better do something about it or he was going to have fits of rage and destroy things. He then took anything his girlfriend bought for the house and put it in his bedroom, which included the fabric softener I have her buy since I pay for the stuff and make the laundry detergent. I told him not to do the crap to me and make my life even more of a hell or take it out on my grandson. He said they would not be taking him to his therapy appointments anymore. Hours upon hours of him going at me and telling me I better kick my daughter and grandson out of this house or I would have hell to pay. Of course, my pain levels went through the roof. I cried and I told my daughter she had better find a way to fix this mess she created. She feels like she did no wrong since he refused to watch her son and she had to quit working. They are both way too immature!

Instead of being glad they actually have a mother and roof over their head, they are making my life a living hell. My son even told me that I was going to loose everyone if I allowed my daughter to stay here. Wow! Last night I decided I was no longer going to struggle and fight to stay alive. Not in this hell I live in. I just can’t do it anymore. My pain levels are beyond help when I have to deal with them and their petty crap. I am going to give it all until Wednesday and see if he does all the crappy things he has threatened, then I will decide if I need to dig really deep down inside for the strength to get me out of this hell I live in. I had thought things were finally settling down and I might actually get to live and survive this life.

I finally heard from the hospital about my hysterectomy surgery. They said it would be after next Tuesday before they could call me with my surgery date. That the doctor was out until then and he had to look at their OR schedule and his schedule and see when he could fit me in. Geeze, now if wonder how long it will be before I finally get the surgery. I have felt hungry all the time and been eating way too much, I have gained almost ten pounds in this last month. Not good. Depression, stress, worry and pain are just sucking the life right out of me! My family actually could help me through all of this and help me have less pain if they would grow up and get along and put me before their own crap. They will be very sorry one day, but it will be way too late by then. The stress of it all also has me smoking way too much.

I cannot even sit here without horrible crushing pain. I was unable to go out for breakfast this morning because of the intensity of the pain. I don’t get the offer to go out very often and it sucks that I was unable to go today! I wish I would just go to sleep and never wake up. I know when you finally give up completely, your body will die. Why I continue to hold on to even the tiniest of things is beyond me. I more than deserve some peace in my life. I do the right thing and I always care for others. I have lived through way too many tragedies in this life too. Shall I count the ways……

1. Lost my son to a car accident when he was 16 in 2003!
2. Lost my sister to cancer in 2000!
3. Survived a gang attack in 2010!
4. 2nd husband cheated and left and I lost everything I worked years for in 2006!
5. I survived being poisoned by that same husband too!
6. Deathly ill in 1984 with mono which I had again in 2006!
7. Tonsils removed in 1983, tubal in 1992 & gallbladder in 2005!
8. Had a lingering case of 5th disease back in 1994, was extremely ill for months on end!
9. 16 years of mental abuse from 2nd husband 1990-2006!
10. Given a conclusion from hubby #2 in 1991!
11. Current husband up and left me in 2009 for 5/6 weeks!
12. Years of severe panic attacks and agoraphobia where I couldn’t leave my home for six months at a time, which reoccurred every two years like clock work. 1995-2001, sporadic issues since as well.
13. Physically abused by youngest son in 2006 & 2007!
14. Severe depression, panic attacks, anxiety and borderline personality disorder for most of my life!
15. Locking my bedroom door at night for fear of my son!
16. Living with absolutely no support what so ever from my family!
17. Multiple counts of rape!
18. Molested as a child by more than one person!

I could keep going, but that’s the jest of it all I guess. The top traumas being the loss of my son and surviving the gang attack. Both of those left me with PTSD issues and deep trauma that has never healed. There is no way to get over the loss of your child. He was the one child I had that was always here for me and we were very close. I ask myself often what the hell I had done that was so horrible to deserve this life. If I could go back to around age 14, I would change it all in a heartbeat. I would never have children, the pain of loosing one and then dealing with the hell the other two have given me! I would pay attention in school and go on to college and make a career for myself that I loved. I would never have to count on anyone else. But, we cannot go back and change anything. We only have what is right now, before us. There is not much I can do with the way things are. I have to get out one way or another. Whether I physically up and leave or I go back to live with God again. There has to be an end to this nightmare. I could go live with my parents, though I will have loneliness issues there. I cannot run from my mental problems, they are always with me. I am going to be 45 this year and I cannot even remember a joyous time in my life, even as a child I was riddled with fear and panic. I feel like I am backed into a corner. It’s pretty sad when you have to leave the house you own in order to survive any further in life. I could toss everyone out, but I wouldn’t be able to pay the utility bills. I ran my own business and made very good money. I have lived both ends of the stick, rich and poor. I worked hard and had everything I ever wanted, just to have it all ripped from me in a blink of an eye………….

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Dark circles under my eyes. No make up, because it takes too much energy to apply! This is where I spend most of my life, in the bathroom, alone!

Tooth Extraction…

Today, I had to go to an oral surgeon and have one of my teeth extracted. Number 3 to be exact. They told me I could get gas to help me relax or even sedated so I wouldn’t feel any of it, since I had two teeth pulled in the past and it was quite traumatic for me. Then the insurance girl comes in and says my insurance won’t pay for the gas or sedation so if I want it, I have to pay $85 for the gas and well over $125 for sedation. Being that I have no money I had no choice. I cried, because I am so tired of always having to suffer because I don’t have money. It is not fair at all. I was then brought to another room where the assistant put numbing cream on my right side and then I waited there for a while…

Then the doctor came in and gave me the injections in my gums and roof of my mouth. Holy hell the one in the roof of my mouth was extremely painful. Then I was left there for a long time, in a room by myself. Where I cried some more…

Finally, they all came back in and the doctor got started on my tooth. He clamped some type of metal thing around that tooth and screwed it down tight. Then he began to tug, pull, push and yank on my tooth. I felt it break and I felt the pieces in my mouth. They sucked them up with the device that has suction…

Now he really grabbed on and was pushing, pulling and yanking and then he grabbed my jaw and it was being twisted to where it hurt horribly. I hollered, the doctor just kept saying, “Your doing good”. Then a sharp pain went into my right temple and I hollered some more. I tried hard to hold my jaw back from the pressure he was placing on it. Finally, the tooth was out.

They rinse it out and then had me bite down on a rolled up piece of gauze which they told me to keep biting down on for an hour. I went home, extremely upset. I bit down on the gauze for 50 minutes then I could no longer take the pain in my jaw and released it. The bleeding seemed to be under control. I took my usual medications and I went to bed for two hours…

When I woke I had a sharp jabbing headache in my right temple which is still there tonight. My right cheek is swelling so I have been applying ice. My gums in the area of the extraction are all swelled and hurt pretty bad. When I had two other extractions I never had any of these problems after. I am going to go to bed, even though it is very early. I hurt too much in my usual places, plus now the extraction sight. I feel very tired and extremely bitchy!

I just will never understand why people who don’t have money have to be allowed to suffer and treated so horribly compared to someone with money. I am so tired of being left in pain and being tortured my entire life. I just want to respect and care that someone with money can get. This system is completely screwed up. I used to run my own business and made well over $1,000 a week. I have lived both sides of life, rich and poor. Money doesn’t by happiness, but it makes life more comfortable and easier………….

UPDATE:
Be sure to gently rinse your mouth with sea salt water and I add a drop of clove oil, starting the next day after a tooth extraction. This will help the healing process and keep the area clean. It also helps with the pain.

I have had two teeth extracted prior to this one and though they both were uncomfortable while being pulled, I never had pain afterward. I don’t know what this guy did but it is extremely sensitive and my cheek bone feels like it is broken.

Note to myself: do not go back to that oral surgeon ever again. (Dr. D’Arco on Walton Way Extention.)

So Far…

I have been tracking my pain levels and my medications. I am prescribed three muscle relaxers and Ativan a day, but normally only take one. With my pain levels being so high I had decided to try to take them three times a day and see if I could obtain more relief.

I took my normal morning medications with my usual first dose of pain medications. My pain level was a 9 and after an hour it was still a 9! So I took one muscle relaxer and an Ativan and waited another hour. My pain level was then an 8! Still too much. I took my 2nd dose of pain medications and waited an hour to see what my pain level was then, I was at a 7! I made it about two hours at a level 7 for pain, which then shot up to a 9 again, so then I took another round of muscle relaxer and Ativan. After an hour my pain level was at a 8. So this time I waited to take my 3rd dose of pain medications with a muscle relaxer and the Ativan, my pain level was back to a full 9 and after taking that and waiting an hour to record my pain level I was able to get it down to a 6/7. I still felt all the pain, but my mind just didn’t care as much. Then I discovered that I was having problems with my vision and unable to really focus of see straight and nausea hit, this lasted for a couple of hours.

In order to obtain any relief from the intense pain I need to take everything together, but then I am left with a loopy feeling, vision issues and nausea. So I either cry in pain in bed or I take the meds I am prescribe and feel loopy and sick. WTF! I really do not know what else to do here!

I have so much stress and anxiety on top of the pain. No support system and being with someone who only cares about himself and his wants without ever considering mine. Married three times and not once could I get it right. How awesome it must be to be with someone that loved and cared for you so much that they were willing to do anything possible to try to help you. Instead of only caring about the toys they want and wasting money on things not even needed while you suffer every minute of every day.

I am going to find a way to make it through this next month. To all my appointments and tests and then to schedule surgery in June, then I will recover and on my birthday in August I will take a look at everything in my life and make the changes I need in order to survive in a happier place. I must put myself first and stop doing for everyone else. What comes around goes around………….

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“My smile tries to hide the pain, but you can see it in my eyes and how very exhausted I am!”