Such a Dark & Lonely Place…….

Since the events of last night, where my brother and one of my sisters decided to attack me and be so cruel that I had to delete and block them so I would not continue to be upset over the horrible things they were saying to me……… I have been in a very dark and lonely place!

I feel the need to express what I am feeling and this is the only safe place I have. I posted on Facebook, “I give up, I don’t know why I bother anymore” and from that, my siblings attacked me saying I was saying crap about them. SMH, I guess when your guilty you know it’s you, right!?! I have wasted so much time, effort and emotions just trying to get them to except me. I thought family was supposed to be there for you and support you. Surely, there are families that do that, right? Where did I get that idea from anyway? Television? I have been very scared of what is wrong with me and causing so much pain. I reached out to them and tried to keep us all connected. I never should of done that. It brought so much emotional suffering to me. No matter what they have done to me or said to me in my life, I never shut them out and I was always here wanting them to love me. Though, last night, I became so distraught that I had to unfriendly them and out them on the block list, plus removed them from my email so when they sent another painful message I would not get it in my inbox. I have been suffering in constant chronic pain for over three years and it has become very disabling. Yet, my brother says things like, “we all have pains and no one is more important than anyone else’s”. I can’t help but think that if they had to live one day with me pain, maybe they would think very differently. I am certain my brother would be bent over crying for his mommy…..

I am the youngest of five children. I have my one brother and he is the oldest, 11 years older than I am. Then I have three sisters, they are 10, 9 and 8 years older than I am. My oldest sister died from cancer in 2000. My sister that is 8 years older than me, has always been close to me and there for me, but in the recent years she has not really been there much. My sister who is 9 years older than me and my brother have always been mean to me. My brother hated me just because I was born. The two of them have said and done some pretty horrible things to me in my life. I should of cut those two ties a very long time ago instead of trying so desperately to have some sort of bond with them. It has only brought me pain and anguish!

I made the choice last night to finally cut those ties for good. I had too. It was killing me emotionally and I am already suffering too much in physical pain. Somehow, I have to find a way to be okay with this choice. I know it is the only choice I had, but I still feel so darn down and hurt over it all.

I have ALWAYS been a person that talks about what bothers me and I do not hide anything. I am what you see and there is nothing fake about me. Those two of my siblings are completely against talking about problems. I refuse to pretend to be someone I am not. Why is it that we have to come to a place, like here, just to find someone who can understand and support us? I know we can never change anyone but ourselves, but is it wrong to want desperately yo be supported by your own flesh and blood? I know I am not alone in this. I have read several blogs where others are wanting support from their family and just cannot get it. So how do we move forward and just stop trying? For me, shutting those two doors was a must for my own sanity. Now I have to work through all the emotions and pain with the hope that I can move on without them in my life. Not like they were really ever in my life anyway. Now they do not have to see or hear from me, so I can only assume that is what they always truly wanted…..

A Poem…..

TIME TO CLOSE THE DOOR

Shutting the door on bad relationships
Allowing myself room to breathe,
I don’t deserve their cruel intentions
I am leaving them now to seethe!

They are my blood relatives
Brother & Sister I plea,
So many years I have tried
To bring them close to me!

I wear my heart upon my sleeve
I speak freely of all I feel,
They cannot understand this
But it is how I am able to deal!

I just wanted to have their support
Too feel I truly mattered,
Instead I received negative words
And my heart is greatly shattered!

Emotional Rollercoaster…

It is New Years Eve around 10:20 pm. I am home all alone, except for my grandson who is so scared of the fireworks he keeps hearing that he can’t even stay in his bed. So he is laying on the couch and I am in the chair next to him. I made a deal with his mother (which is my daughter), that I would watch him from 9-11 pm and she could go down to the neighbors house for two hours. Fifteen minutes before 9 pm came, she was getting irritated with her son and was trying to put him to bed a half hour before his bedtime. Because she wanted to go to the neighbors house. He has been sick the last two days with high fevers and he is extremely irritable. I could smell the alcohol on her breath and knew she was already drunk. I told her to just go….. I let her come back home to take care of her son, because I was unable to do it and the others in this house refused to do all that was needed to be done. I knew the chances of her being any different where slim to none. She has no money and she does not even have soda to drink, so where did she get alcohol from? She stole it from my sons bedroom. She keeps doing this and I don’t know how long it will be before he flips out on her, but I imagine it will be soon. They are both alcoholics, but they are adults and legal drinking age. My son buys his alcohol and as long as he behaves and doesn’t flip out on me, I don’t say a word about it. Though now, with my daughter stealing it from him and the fact she cannot seem to ever act right, I am sure all hell is going to break loose when ever he comes home. I have way too much to deal with already, I just cannot deal with her crap on top of everything else. If I didn’t have to worry about my grandson, I would of already moved away. My daughter is associating with the drug addicts she used to hang with even though I told her none of that would be going on this time. She just cannot straighten up, no matter what! I’m so pissed right now. I am going to have to have it out with her tomorrow and I don’t need this crap!

Earlier this evening, I met my family online for our weekly chats on Google Hangouts. This is the second week so far. My mother was only there for a few minutes since she was heading out to the bowling alley for a party. My brother is usually the first to leave and he did leave about an hour after he arrived. That left my two sisters and myself for the remaining hour we stayed online. One of my sisters is an alcoholic and she seemed pretty lit up when she arrived to the conversation. My son passed away ten years ago when he was 16 1/2 years of age. My sisters son was born two months before my son and they were close until his death. Well, she put the camera on her son, Jason, and I smiled and waved at him. Then suddenly my eyes were filling with tears and I felt heartache. I miss my son so much and then I started to wonder what my son would look like now. Would he have a beard and a mustache like Jason does? I was shocked at my reaction and the flood of emotions I felt. I removed myself from the cameras view until I could pull myself together. Later, in the conversation, I brought up that I had cried after seeing Jason and I stated that I thought I knew the reason why, but before I could say another word, I suddenly found myself balling again. Why am I having all this occurring now? It has been over ten years and though I have always missed him, I was able to talk about him and not cry. It seems I have been going through a roller coaster of emotions recently. Right before Thanksgiving I found myself trapped in a severe depression that was different than any other depression I have ever had. It lasted until a few days before Christmas. Then the day after Christmas I had an MRI to see if I have cancer and I found myself crying over the possibility of dying, even though I had thought death would finally relieve me of the pain. I have absolutely NO one to talk to. My significant other just can’t seem to talk to me or really listen to me. I am tired of being alone all the time.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I know I can’t continue on this way and I must make some changes. The question is, do I just leave and try to form my own life somehow or someway? Or do I stay and try to get my adult children to grow the hell up and be responsible? I have tried so many times before and I am so very tired now. I am in constant pain and exhausted. Why am I the only one in my family to have lost a child and have adult children that are alcoholics? Why don’t I deserve peace and happiness? I have always been there for everyone else and I never held anything against anyone. There has to be a way out of this nightmare! I see two ways out and they both involve me leaving in one way or another…….

Venting…… Not a good day for me!

So, today I woke up and I was in the usual horrible pain. I spent an hour trying to get through the intensity of the pain before the meds finally eased it some. I then spent another hour getting myself into a positive place before I emerged from my room for the day. I was going to throw in a load of laundry and on my way I saw that one of the kitchen cabinet doors were ripped half way off and hanging there. The entire kitchen was trashed worse than I have ever seen. Every single cup I own was dirty and on the counter with a mess of other dishes. So, I put my laundry in and then walked through the house opening all the curtains, since they were all still closed and it was 12:45 pm. My daughter had been up for a few hours with her son and she had been in the kitchen to get him things to eat and drink, but when I asked her and everyone else what happened to the cabinet, everyone denied any knowledge of it. Then I proceeded to clean the kitchen, which left me in so much more pain, as it usually does. I quickly went from that positive place I fought to achieve, down to the pits of despair and depression. I feel so down and hopeless. My daughter coming here was supposed to be a help for me, not more crap to deal with. Then again, she has always been a mess and I should of known. If only the others would of stepped up to care for my grandson now that I can’t, I wouldn’t of had to let her come home.

My back is screaming in pain. My neck is crushing me. My tailbone is crushing and in fire! My hips, butt cheeks, legs and feet are intensely gripping me. My body wants to go to bed and my mind wants to pack my things and leave. I need some fun in my life and all I ever get is pain and depression. Today there are five other adults in this house that could take care of things, but they didn’t and they don’t, my son has friends over way to often and no one ever takes the initiative to take care of things so I don’t have to do it.

I know….. I know, I need to find something I can do that will occupy my mind! But what? I hurt so damn badly and I have no money. When I get into the pits of despair like this, I have no creativity or the ability to think of things to do. As if that ability just up and left me as quick as I could snap my fingers. How do I get myself out of this darkness? Ugh….. It is all wearing me out! Always dragging me down…… I am about to snap in the worry of how the heck to pay for things. It has become so bad, that im am walking through the house turning things off, every single time I have to go out there for something. I just want to choke some sense into these people. I want to be a kid damn it! No worries about bills and money when your a kid. Just go off and play and do what you want, the adults take care of it all. I never want to clarify and justify things, so I just run and hide.

I am never going to be the same again. I have suffered in the world of constant pain for the last three years and it keeps
Getting worse and spreading. I won’t ever pretend, I don’t hide how I feel. Anyone can see it written upon my face. I am pretty sure, that they just don’t care. So how do I get out of this place… This dark pit of agony and despair….. I just hide in my room, until I have to come out for something. My whole life I have tried so hard to get the people in my family to act like they gave a crap about me. Maybe I just need to stop doing that. It’s just me, myself and I. I keep to myself most of the time anyway. I a listening to music on my headphones. It’s better than having to hear or see a bunch of crap I don’t want to hear or see…….

Current Music:
Awolnation – Sail
Korn – Never, Never
Shinedown – the entire Amaryllis Album
Five Finger Death Punch – wrong side of heaven and Anywhere but here and M.I.N.E.
Pop Evil – Trenches
Hollywood Undead – Young
All That Remains – What if I was Nothing

Abandonment Issues…..

My whole life I have feared being abandoned. Well before I ever was abandoned by anyone. I have always felt and known things. As a child, I firmly believed in the after life and reincarnation and so on…. So much so, that after years some of my siblings and even my mother believed in it as well. My gut has never been wrong. In my early teens, I wondered why I always feared being abandoned, when no one had ever abandoned me in my life. Then in 2006, I was abandoned for the first time. My then husband left and we lost everything that I spent years working for. I can see why someone would fear that, once it has happened to them. So why have I fear abandonment my whole life then? Was it my gut telling me that it would come to pass one day? My gut has never steered me wrong, but I sure could of used all those years prior, not worrying about what was going to happen when I was 36/37 years old. Since the first encounter of abandonment, I have had it happen again. Though, my husband this time did come back. What am I supposed to learn from this? We repeat things in our lives until we learn from them! I fear being alone and have made some poor choices in my life in order to not be alone. Maybe that is what I am supposed to learn…….

Ever since the birth of my first child, I have had some serious emotions. I started crying to commercials and movies, etc. I am that way to this day! I even cried to an episode of The Simpsons once. Earlier this evening I watched the most recent episode of the new show,” Witches of East Wind” and it brought back a lot of abandonment issues for me. Thinking about how it felt when I was abandoned! Tears quickly filled my eyes. I found myself feeling all the emotions as if it had just happened to me, again. I had thought I had dealt with it all and moved on with life in that area, but I obviously still have issues with it, otherwise, I would not break down like I did. I wish there was a book somewhere that told you how to deal with things that happen to you…

They tell me I have never dealt with my sons death. How do I deal with that? Where does it list the steps that you take to deal with things that greatly affect you? When my son died, I looked for information on the stages of grief. Well, it was a few weeks after he died. I wanted to know what the heck was happening to me. We all experience the stages of grief, though some experience it in a different order and time…… The Five Stages of Grief and loss: Denial and Isolation, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.

Denial: Usually our first reaction to the loss of something we’re attached to, is denial. Denial is a response to the shock or disbelief of an event and is commonly employed as a coping mechanism.

Anger: This stage of grief is probably the cause of the most pain from grief. Anger can cause deep and sometimes permanent wounds that are totally unnecessary.

Bargaining: This is as strange a grief behavior as Denial. It’s where we try to make deals to gain back what we lost. In the cycle of dealing with grief, bargaining can occur before or after a loss. It is characterized by guilt, “What if” and “If only” statements and entertaining the idea that the loss can be changed or avoided.

Depression: A psychological side effect of loss is depression. Depression can be characterized by having sleeping troubles a loss of appetite, mood fluctuations or sadness

Acceptance: Accepting the loss is the final stage, and it indicates that you have come to the end of the mourning period. You will know that the grieving process is over, once you have worked through the associated emotional pain, have adjusted to differences, and moved on with your life.

You can find more information at http://www.livestrong.com/article/158796-explain-the-five-stages-of-the-grieving-process/

I thought I had accepted it all, but I guess I do not know how to actually do that. I know my son is gone and I won’t see him again until I also cross over. The stages of Grief are not only for when someone dies, but when you loose anything. It could be your job or your marriage. The closer your are and the deeper you love the person or place or even thing, the harder that loss is.

Tuesday cannot get here soon enough….

The following web address is where you can watch a film on chronic pain. I just watched the film and it sure did validate so much of what I am feeling and going through every single day!

http://painmattersfilm.com

I have been trying to make it through each day until my appointment on Tuesday. I am hoping the doctor will be able to do something to help with how severe the pain has become. No position is comfortable. Time is moving so very slowly and the entire time feels like torture. It is surely enough to make anyone go completely mad.

I do NOT want to think about this pain any longer. It is consuming me. I have been crocheting for distraction and it does help some, yet the pain is so great I keep having to move and try to find a spot that isn’t pure hell. The yarn fairy needs to come and drop me off more yarn, because I am about out of every piece I have! Sitting is horrible. My tailbone just cannot stand anything to touch it or put any form of pressure on it. Much like a extremely bruised and deeply cut wound. Even sitting on the giant fluffy pillow does not help. I used to be able to sit on that fluffy pillow and, at the least, not have severe pain from it, but more like pressing on a bruise kind of pain. If I stand, that eases my tailbone pain, but my feet hurt so bloody bad standing. I MUST find some relief! Laying down is the most comfortable, but even that is still painful. When I get to this point, I know I have to find a way to obtain some relief, because each day I become more and more depressed, stress and terrorized by the pain.

Ok, enough talking about the pain. Time for me to find something to distract me, in any way possible!

Feeling All Sorts of Miserable…

The depression is in full swing. Spending the last week in increasing torturous pain, has brought out the depression cloud. I don’t even like being around me! I am Miserable!

MISERABLE:
1: being in a pitiable state of distress or unhappiness (as from want or shame)
2. a : wretchedly inadequate or meager
b : causing extreme discomfort or unhappiness

3: being likely to discredit or shame

Yes, the definition hits it right on the head. I am in a state of distress and unhappiness, which I am sure is pitiable! After all, I sure do pity misled right now. Also, I feel extreme discomfort. More like extreme torture!

I have not showered in a week, yes, I know how gross that is. I am trying to force myself to shower tonight. That would be the main sign of being severely depressed too. I will have to pull out the shower chair, since the pain is too much to bear standing. Oh how that makes me feel so worthless. I want to be by myself in complete silence. Every single thing has me irritated and I do not want to take it out on my precious grandson or anyone for that matter. Now that the depression cloud is fully out and raining upon my soul, all the horrible things in life have now come front and center for my viewing.
Things like: How my oldest son died at age 16 back in 2003 and the Holidays have sucked since then. I miss him so much and even after ten years it still stings. I miss his laugh and the way he would always talk to me. We were close and the closer you are, the harder you fall when they are gone. I spent the first six months in bed, then another six months wandering around without a soul. I lost a piece of my heart that day and I have Never been the same!
Having to live none stop with severe chronic pain and feeling so helpless!
Or the fact my daughter is going on 25 and cannot seem to get the party out of her while her son is, however, safe here in my home. We don’t get along and cannot live together. I have rules, basic ones actually. Like no coming in all hours of the night, no being drunk and obnoxious, no hitting your mother and no saying horrible things to your mother. She likes to drink and she becomes quite the obnoxious jerk when she does. But, I do miss her. I see all my friends from high school and they have great kids and real relationships with their adult children. I get jealous! I bet their daughters never told them that she couldn’t wait for them to die so she could piss on their grave.
My youngest son is insulin dependent diabetic and an alcoholic who says horrible things just like his father always did. He lives with me. He refuses to take care of his diabetes and I see the signs of all kinds of organs beginning to die. Knowing I will loose another child in the not so distance future. Oh how I wish I would of left his father back when he was young, instead of being terrified of how I would make it without the drunken bastard. Maybe then he would, at the least, be a kind person.
Being here in the state of Georgia with no other family anywhere near here. That gets me often. I grew up being close to my family. I had three sisters and a brother and both my parents. When my father took a job in Georgia and moved there from IL, I was getting divorced from my first husband and had no where to live, so I moved to GA a few months after they did. We always got together on weekends, while we were all still living near each other. Played games and ate dinner together. That hasn’t happened since the year of 1991!
My one and only Best friend, since the age of 10, is in Southern, IL and I miss her so very much. After the divorce from hubby number 2, I had to move back to GA from there, where I had a house to live in. So, yes, I feel very alone all the time. As if the phrase, “Out of sight, out of mind” is so very true for my family.
All the horrible things my ex husband did, my sister died of cancer at age 40 and let’s not forget how broke I am and there is hardly a thing to eat around here too! I am so sick of my stomach growling and cramping and trying to find something to eat!
I know, poor poor you…. But that’s how it is in mind lately. When depression comes out in full force, everything negative comes with it! These things have all always been there, yet when your in a state of severe depression, it is like you cannot think of anything else. I don’t want to think about any of it. I want to be quiet and rest, but I have a sick mind. I have had problems with depression my entire life and the older I get, along with the more and more crap that happens to me, it has become seriously out of control when it shows it’s ugly little head. I take medication and have for well over a decade. For several years I have not had a full blown severe depression episode, but rather, small little visits to depression and back out again. Now adding in the severe chronic pain and I have something I have never experienced before. I have experienced both things individually, but not all at once since the chronic pain began. I want so badly to just sleep! The only peace I can find is in my sleep. I am not crying in pain when I can finally find sleep. I am not hiding in my bedroom and thinking negative thoughts, when I am asleep. But, it is hard to find sleep. The pain and agitation prevent me from finding it more often than not. I go in 8 days for my meds appointment for my Depressioon, anxiety and panic Disorders. I can assume that they will probably increase my dose for the severe depression. I take Effexor and have been on that for a few years now. Before that I was on Paxil for years. I had tried just about every medication for depression there is in all these years, before I found one that worked.

I just read through this post and all I can think now is, “You are Pathetic!” My sick mind in all of its glory. I am going to attempt to shower now, good thing you can’t smell me…..