My Other Half……

I have spent the last 2 years, being single, I chose over a year ago to not even date or socialize at all with the opposite sex.  I just did me and found my own rhythm, though occasionally I would think how it would be nice to have a good man in my life, I was certain that would never happen and even wondered if there were any good men left in this world. I hadn’t really smiled or even laughed much in the last year.  Being just me and alone, there wasn’t anyone to cause laughter within me.  Except for when I got goofy and made myself laugh… 

Right at the new year, a guy I dated way back in high school, added me on Facebook.  I showed up as some one he might know and he was flooded with memories of us.  He messaged me and we were talking about high school and all we remembered.  Now, if I had not known him and remembered him, I would never have accepted his request, let alone talk to him.  We found out that we have EVERYTHING in common and we are both very loving, caring people with big hearts.  He also chose to just be alone and figured it was for the rest of his life.  As each day passed, we found out more and more of how much we were the same!  Now, we talk every single morning as soon as he gets home from work, which is third shift.  We both are excited for our time together and look forward to it.  

I never thought it was possible to have or even find a Soul Mate, but he sure has changed my mind on that!  He lives all the way up in Wisconsin and I am in Georgia.  He said he wanted to come see me, but that it would be very hard to get time off of work, that they always denied his requests.  Well, he put in for a week off and he got it!  He will be here in the beginning of March!!!  If things go as well as we think they will, he is going to move down here to be with me!  He literally wants to take full care of me, in EVERY way!  With all my issues and problems!  We both feel like we finally found our other half that had been missing our entire lives!  Wow…. Unbelievable!  I feel so very blessed and I am so grateful that I did not end my life all those times I wanted too…

I have always believed everything happens for a reason.  How amazing to have something wonderful happen to me instead of horrible.  Life changes in a blink of an eye, as we all know too well.  NEVER EVER GIVE UP!  Good things do come to those who wait!  Also, all those people were right… All the times I was told how I needed to stay single and spend at least a year with just myself and come to a place where I was fine with being just me.  When you stop thinking about things, or worrying about them, they are able to blossom!  Just like when someone gets pregnant after difficulty, they stop even thinking about it, then it happens for them…

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Another Year Older…

Yesterday I turned 47 years old.  It was a day, just like all the rest!  Nothing different really. I have always made my kids what ever they wanted for their birthday cake.  I have ALWAYS said “Everyone deserves a cake!”  Do you know what…. I have not had a birthday cake in several years now…

My mom and one of my sisters sent me gifts off my Amazon Wish List.  I received a Walking Dead shirt, Dark Chocolate Espresso beans, 2 essential oils and a cobalt blue glass spray bottle.  I make all the cleaners and detergents here.  My Brother did call me, but I truly hate being on the phone.  It is funny, I used to live on the phone in my 20’s, even had a headset, so I could be on the phone and do things.  But now, I HATE it…

My son and his girlfriend gave me hair clips, a big Mr. Goodbar and a New York Style Cheesecake.  I guess that was supposed to be my birthday cake, but no candles or anything and I really wanted birthday cake!  So, I made my homemade chocolate cupcakes and my homemade frosting for myself… SMH!

I am Disabled and try to survive on a VERY SMALL fixed income of $800 a month and pay the mortgage on my home, I can’t even cover the utilities and I can’t get any help here!  My car broke down last November and I have had to rely on my son’s girlfriend to take me to appointments and grocery shop once a month with $200 to get what is needed in the house and feed myself! (Which is why I can’t afford to get proper food). Her car broke down a couple of weeks ago.  She had taken the money out of her Christmas club account before it broke down, which was supposed to go towards the car, but it did not and is ALL gone now!  It is looking like it will be, at the very least, $500 + to fix it, none of us have the money…

I have to wait until fall, when it cools of here, before I can go through the shed and then have a yard sale for some money.  I will have to save every penny of it, because I will have to go live with my parents!  I will loose my home and privacy!  I have to find homes for my animals and put two of them down that are old!  But, I will be able to eat right and not have to worry about how I will get to appointments.  I am not sure what will happen when I switch my pain doctor to down there either.  Just when I finally got on something that helps some!  I don’t understand how I ended up here.  I worked hard, made good money and built a great life.  But, I married two very shitty men that fucked me over!  What do I do when my parents both die?  They are in their 70’s…

I try so hard to be positive and not think of the past or speculate the future!  It never seems to fail, my birthday always puts me in the dark place!  I also end up there every year on the date my son died, well actually it starts a good week before then!  I spend Halloween through New Years there as well.  The Holidays and my deceased sons birthday is in December too…

I have NO friends here and I rarely get out of my house.  I actually only have one friend and she has been my friend since we were ten years old, but she lives far away!  I miss friends, but here, everyone is either an alcoholic or on drugs!  So, I live just me in every way!  I have NO desire for another man in my life!  I NEED complete Peace & Quiet in order to not have massive Panic issues.  I just can’t deal with a mans B.S. anymore..

I go through spells where I feel it would all just be so much easier if I just dropped dead!  Oh how many times I have begged GOD to bring me back home!  I can’t take my own life, so that is the ONLY way…

(Here is a pic of my cupcakes)………….

Thinking About My Chilhood…

I can remember back to age 4.  Of course, some of those memories are not good at all and some are just strange…

As a kid, I would get sick often and when I had a fever I would see colored spots, so I always knew when I had a fever.  I also felt like a hand was after me all the time.  I have memories of being out back eating at the picnic table with family and that hand trying to get me there too.  At this point, I don’t know if it was just nightmares that stuck with me or what!  

I always knew when the phone was going to ring and if the call my siblings tried to make would be busy on the other end.  I have always had some kind of a connection to spirit.  I also had a friend no one else could see, Elizabeth, she stayed with me until I was an adult.  My son that passed away told me he saw her a few weeks before he died…

I can remember watching my siblings get on the bus for school when I was 4 years old.  I would stand in the large picture window and watch them.  I am much younger than all of my siblings.  From 8 years younger to 11 years younger.  I remember playing in the laundry basket with the clothes pins watching Seaseme Street, then my mother yelling at me and choking me until I passed out.  My sister told me that my mom threw me into the picture window when I was 2 years old, but I do not remember that.  My mom has the mental issue that run in this family, though I can’t figure out where she got them from.  Her mother did not have them, but her father died before I was born…

My brother is the oldest and then I have three sisters.  All of us girls were beat.  I heard my mom say she doesn’t like girls when I was an adult.  Funny thing is, I am the only one that never held a grudge against my mom for the beatings, out of my siblings…

When I was 10 years old, we had to move from NY to Canada.  Moving as a kid sucks!  Canada was ok, I made a few friends, but we were only there for 3 months, then moved to IL.  IL is where kids were very cruel to me!  I often wonder what mylife would be like now if we had stayed in NY.  I dreaded going to school.  I would get very sick to my tummy every Sunday night!  If only I knew then what I know now…

We can’t change the past!  We also cannot be stuck in the past, that just brings negative emotions.  We have to find a way to accept what ever has occurred and move on!  One day at a time, we get through the day!  I finally have come to a place where I am able to toss out the old.  I made a memories book, then threw out all the remaining photos I had, which were a lot! My son has been gone for over 13 years now, so I made a book of him and tossed the rest.  I have always had a cabinet filled with some of his things and I will keep that until I can no longer bring it with me…

 I have been through so much in this life already.  I will be 47 on Monday and I was beat as a child, I have been raped, I have lost a child, been married three times and the last two cheated and left (I left the first after 5 yrs due to him being an alcoholic & we married too young, the next one lasted 16 yrs and the last for 7 yrs), I have been homeless, my daughter is a drug addict and has beat me (she lives on the streets & is often in jail),  my youngest is an insulin dependent diabetic plus an alcoholic and has also beat me (my son that died was the only one who was good to me), I was on my death bed and had to have a giant surgery to save my life while is was recovering my last husband left me, I struggle to make ends meet and even eat…

But, I have come to a place I never thought I would get!  I no longer have a need inside of me to be with a man!  I always felt I had to be with someone!   I have been single for two years now.  I tried dating the first year, but I just couldn’t find someone I could stand…lol!  So, I chose a year ago to just be me and not date or even look for someone else.  Guess what I found?  I LOVE being just ME!  I also found that I NEED Peace, Quiet and Calm in order to feel decent.  It truly is amazing.  I have NO desire to keep coloring my hair, so I am no longer doing that and letting my hair grow out!  No need to impress anyone and no need to attract men that just seem to want sex…lol!  I don’t even wear makeup anymore…

BTW- I HATE autocorrect…lol!

My Trip to visit Family after 9 Years…

I left my house on May 21st and I do not return home until June 30th.  I have been here for 4 weeks now.  It has been nice seeing my family after so long.  I have seen a few friends from high school as well and I am amazed at how we pick up right where we left off as if it has not been almost 30 years.  

Unfortunately, one of the guys I knew in high school is not currently the man I thought he was.  Live and learn and move on.  I refuse to allow anyone in my life that does not fit well.  No more will I have someone who has to drink in my life or someone who does drugs.  If they can’t make me a priority, then so long.  I really do prefer the life of friends instead of relationships.  Relationships always end up being a disappointment to me, due to expectations.  I like being care free and free for the most part.  Carefree in my relationships.  Unfortunately, I am unable to be carefree when it comes to my family.  That is about to change!

My daughter has repeatedly gone back to drugs and I had to kick her out again.  This was and is the final time she will ever be allowed back.  She constantly chose drugs over her own child and disrespected me in every way, even though she lived in my home.  I now have to struggle to find a way to pay the two bills that were her responsibility instead of paying me rent, but I will figure it out!  I can finally get my house back in order and live a much more peaceful life when I return home.  The daily screaming and cussing that came out of her mouth as soon as she woke will be no more.  

I have 11 more days here.  I have found myself becoming bored and I definitely made this trip way too long, but it also gives me time to think and review where I am now.  I still have times where I get so depressed that suicide crosses my mind.  The absolute peace and no more worry of it all.  But I have the little bit of doubt inside as to what happens to us when we die.  That keeps me here.  I have been rough so much it is a good thing I don’t care for alcohol, because I am sure if I liked it, I would be a drunk by now.  The weather here is so nice.  Today is beautiful, in the 70’s and a gorgeous breeze.  Back home it’s is near 100 and ever so humid!  

No matter what, we must keep that ounce of hope alive within us that things will one day be much better.  Carry ourselves through the rough patches and hard times.  Arrive at a place of beauty and peace.  I often wish I could go back and make different choices so I did not have to endure so much heart ache, but those things did make me who I am today and I am a very good person.  For that, I am proud…………. 

     

April 2015

I have been struggling with increased pain recently.  Living here with the negativity and daily stress does affect how I feel.  I am counting down the days to when I leave to visit family up north for five weeks.  My daughter wakes and every single day she immediately begins yelling at her son.  I have repeatedly told her that I cannot take that anymore, yet she still does it.  They all seem to think they should be rewarded for when they actually do something around here, yet I am supposed to treat them like adults, as if we are all just roommates.  I am strongly considering moving up north.  I feel so much better out of this environment, instead of feeling good until someone wakes up and starts yelling.  This feels like the life is being sucked out of me!

I have never had my own life.  I became pregnant and then married at the age of 16 and I have been married three times.  Always went from one husband right to the next one.  This time I have stopped that and I have stayed single.  I tried dating, but found all of the men to be of great disappointment.  So instead, I have been working on myself and I go to the gym three times a week.  I am ready for my own life now.  I deserve my own life.  I have raised my kids and taken care of everyone else ever since I was 16 years old.  I am now 45 years old.  

I do not want to loose my house here, in order to keep it I have to pay the mortgage, that leaves me with little money to take care of myself though.  That is what has been stopping me from just leaving.  Plus, my grandson needs a stable home.

Our minds are very powerful.  What ever you choose to do, you can master!  It is much easier to accomplish when you are in an environment of peace though.  When I took three weeks and went to my parents house, I was in peace and I saw the stress melt off my face!  I began to feel very good about myself as well.  That is the key to our own happiness, our environment!

I do believe I am going to have a difficult time coming back home from my trip up north.  Maybe that will finally be the push that makes me choose myself for once!

Pictures of me now…

   

With my daughter   

With my grandson  

  

I HAVE to make major changes…

I am slowly recovering from my surgery. Today I finally had a BM and it took exactly two weeks to have one. I feel things are all progressing along as they should. I see the doctor tomorrow and hopefully he will say that all is healing well.

I already had an issue with the huge amount of negativity in my house and how “B” never can say anything positive. Every single day he wakes up and is in a negative mood and complaining. Every comment is negative. He is very much a jerk and I have found I just can’t take being around him at all anymore. I don’t understand how anyone can be that negative and hateful.

I don’t know if leaving here or removing him is the best option. Both pose a lot of problems. Honestly, I want to just leave, but my kids are here and they can’t afford the bills on there on. I am tired of tolerating so much negativity just to make sure the bills are paid and we have a roof over our heads. If my adult kids would band together and work together one could get a job and one could watch my grandson and they could help make sure the bills are covered. When I brought up me leaving before my kids flipped out, mostly my son. That I was screwing him and where would he live. My entire life I have put up with crap from another to survive. I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t think I can do it anymore. I know I can’t do it anymore!

Pondering Things…

I have an email in my box today that says no sender, no message and no content, but the date it shows as the date it was sent is 12/31/69? I was born in August of 1969. It’s so weird and crazy…

I have lived my entire life with mental illness and bouts with major depression. It never ceases to catch me off guard how down I can find myself. Have you ever just sat quietly and tried to explore what it is you are actually feeling? I am sitting out back and it’s quiet other than the water sound from a small pond on my porch. I asked myself, “What exactly are you feeling?” It is hard to really know what it is that i am feeling. I have to really relax myself and search inside. I feel sadness, physical pain, alone, stress and exhaustion! I can hear birds chirping and vehicles going by along with the sound of water flowing in the pond. I also hear an occasional airplane and dogs bark in the distance. A gentle breeze is caressing my skin. I look around and I see the beauty in nature. The rich greens of spring time. Seeing, hearing and feeling nature are very pleasant.

I want to escape the physical pain that I am in every minute of every day. I want to disappear in nature and feel only the soft breeze on my skin. I want to no longer feel as though I am being swallowed in a dark cloud of depression. I take any moment I can find to slip into nature and separate myself from the world of pain and suffering I live in. Even when it is only seconds that I can find.

I began to think of times when I felt very happy. Then I realized why those times were also so short lived. Because I felt happy due to something I bought myself or was able to play with. At first it is new and exciting and you feel happy, but money can NOT buy happiness. Happiness is a feeling that we can create with or without money. That is why when we feel happy for a short time after we are able to buy something we want, it is so short lived.

“B” is very happy today, because he is going out to buy a truck that he wants. This is what got me to thinking about happiness and how it is quickly gone when we try to find it through money. There are so many things we need here and the money for that vehicle isn’t going to help anyone being wasted on something that is not even needed. It will just make him feel good for a few days! The car I bought years ago for my son after he passed away, “B” got rid of it. Oh, now I see where my deep darkness is stemming from. Now he is going to have what he wants and the car that represented my dead son is gone! Well, it took a while, but now I really know what is eating at me so deeply! Honestly, there are several things that have brought me to this point, but now I am finally seeing what is eating at me so deeply!

I have to really work on and try to find happiness for myself………….