After My Vacation…

The three weeks I spent in the perfect Peace at my parents house was very nice.  I did not once have a horrible splitting headache and my pain levels where much better for the most part.  I know, for a fact, that stress contributes a lot towards the level of my pain.  I felt care free and I had zero stress while I was there, except for when my son informed me of the things my daughter was doing.  I also, meditated every single day.  I did not worry about how I was going to obtain things I needed or if my kids were going to take care of something.  I also went to the gym with my mom once a week while I was there.  I saw how much going to the gym helped me physically and mentally.  Even though I could not do a whole lot, it still benefited me in many ways.

I was home for three days before the stress and worry had its grips on me again.  Last night I had one of the worst headaches I have ever had in my life.  It ruined my time out with a great person.  I have NO life here.  My life is this…. Get up, wait to feel good enough to function, do my chores, watch my grandson and go to bed.  Just trying to fit in dating seems near impossible, because I have to watch my grandson while my daughter works and she has to use my vehicle.  She thinks the entire world revolves around her.  I told her I do not have a life and she said, “Yes you do!”  I raised my kids, this is supposed to be my time, to actually have a life I want, not dng for everyone else.  I woke in a great mood the last two days and my daughter single handedly ruined them.  When she wakes up, she starts yelling and cussing.  Sounds horrible.  The stress instantly rips through my entire being.  She says crap that is just not right!  I also have not had the time to meditate.  I have to change this!

I joined the gym near here.  I MUST make sure I get to the gym and meditate.  The gym offers massage and tanning so I can sneak in meditation there too.  The only draw back is that my ex goes to that gym, so I am hoping I go when he doesn’t.  I don’t care if he is there, but he has to have a fit about stupid things.  My plan is to go three times a week.  Work out, do the massage and then lay in the tanning bed.  I want my entire body tan and it is just not safe to lay out here naked…lol!

I have met a couple of Guys and went on a few dates.  One of them I do like and will see more of.  It is funny how when Spring hits there are a lot of guys interested.  I just want a decent boyfriend to do things with and know I have another half.  I do not want him to live with me!  I really wish my friend from high school lived here, he is perfect for me!  I guess I need to just focus on me… Meaning, I need to go to the gym and meditate and not worry about having a boyfriend or anything else.  I really don’t have the time for it.

I need to build my own life.  I also need to delegate chores to the others in this house.  It is time for spring cleaning.  I should not be the only one doing everything!  I know when I was away from here, I felt at peace.  Now I spend too much time wanting to leave and find my peace again………….  

      

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How the Single Life has been going…

My soon to be EX has been gone for 3 1/2 weeks now. It has been wonderful not having his negativity and pissy attitude in the house. Believe it or not, he actually tried to get me to meet him somewhere for sex. Really!?! I have not even had sex since my surgeries and I am frankly pretty scared of it hurting. Many woman have stated it hurt for several times after a hysterectomy where they remove the cervix and have to stitch it closed. They also stated that the length of your vagina is shortened so a long penis would also be painful. Long sucks anyway, what is great is a thick one! I have been thinking a lot about sex and I know I have to check to see if it hurts before I even attempt to do it with anyone. It has been 9 weeks since my last surgery this Monday that just passed.

Lately, I have been really tired often. I did way too much over the last two weeks trying to get through all the stuff in the big shed, the small shed, the shed attached to the house and the attic. I am having a yard sale this Saturday. I had to spend several days resting because I ended up in too much pain. I am still feeling very tired and my pain levels are up. My meds are not helping much at all.

I decided to join an online dating site. My daughter uses POF so I signed up for that one since it’s free to message, etc. I had lots of men hit on me there, but they mostly seemed to be after sex. I am looking for a man that fits with my morals and doesn’t lie. Which is a very hard thing to find. I have been married here times and I never held out for the right man that fit with me well. I don’t want to be with an alcoholic or a liar or a cheater. I want someone I can talk to and shares in my morals. I have never stole a thing in my life and I think everyone needs to treat the earth better. I talk to men that seems like they may fit according to their profile and then after talking a while I will meet them. I have met three men so far, because most men don’t even get to the stage of talking. They are alcoholics or liars or something else. One man, I quickly discovered he lied often and he had a drug problem. Another one I met and he came on so strong I knew all he wanted was sex, so no to that one too. However, I have met one man that fits with my morals, doesn’t seem to be a liar and I enjoy time with him. I have went out with him twice so far and we talk daily. He does seem to have some OCD issues and he is always going. I keep waiting to find out what is bad about him, since that is always what happens. It is so depressing. This man doesn’t seem to put forth much effort, which I don’t like. I was messaging him every day, so I stopped and after two days he messaged me. I want a man to court me like they would in the old days. I have NEVER had that! I do not want to ever live with a man again,but I would like to have a relationship where we were only with each other and we did things together. I really like having my bed and bathroom to myself! Maybe one day I will find the right guy and he will will be loving and attentive towards me.

So, that’s what’s been going on with me for the last few weeks. When I get the yard sale done, I will work on the Halloween props that need repair. After Halloween I will scrub all the baseboards and paint them, then the doors. The list is endless of things that need to be done here! My daughter is trying to find a job to help cover the utility bills. That’s all my ex even paid here, was three utility bills, yet he tells everyone that he paid all the bills here. I have always paid the biggest bill, the mortgage, and he has NEVER paid all the bills, but I did for a few years when he didn’t work. Makes me sick how much he lies. No one likes him and he has been trying to find people to do things with him. I married an unattractive man thinking he would never cheat. Guess it doesn’t matter what they look like! I’m totally done with marriage, three strikes and your out! I put my all into the marriages and they wouldn’t even try!

Wish me lots of luck for my future. I have been struggling with some serious depression every night. I am still swollen in my abdomen from doing too much too,so I feel fat…lol!

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My current picture…

Evil be thy Sister…… Story of my Life in small sections….

I have one sister, out of three, that has always been evil towards me. She has done some horrendous things to me and yet I still kept her in my life because she was family. I should of slammed that door shut a long time ago……

The one thing she did to me that stands out the most in my mind and has haunted me for so many years, was back in 1991. I was divorcing my then husband, due to him being a drunk and the police telling me if he was watching our children again while I was at work, then they would have to take them away. I was also being kicked out of my apartment, because my then husband, decided to go around and shoot out lights and start dumpster fires. My mother in law asked to keep my two kids for the week while I moved my things out of my apartment and to my parents house and some things to my evil sisters basement. I agreed as long as she swore to keep one of her dogs locked out in the pen, because he had a tendency to be mean. She promised this. I stayed the nights at my friends house who did not have a phone, so I made sure my best friend and sisters knew how to get to that house if there was an emergency.

On this particular morning, there was a knock on my friends door and she said it was for me. I went to the door and my evil sister was standing there. She began to scream at me and told me that my son was dead! Panic swept over me…….. She said I didn’t care about my kids and left them at their grandmas and my son was bit by the dog. I tried to explain things to her and she stormed off and left. I was panicked, I though my son was dead. I immediately went to a phone to call my mother in law, she said that my son was bit by the dog that she promised to keep locked up, but he was ok and had several stitched behind his ear. I went off on her since she had promised to keep that dog locked up and informed her I was coming to get my children immediately. My friend and I went and stopped at my parents house on the way to getting my children. My parents were extremely pissed off at me. I was shocked, but soon learned that my evil sister had told them all sorts of lies. That I didn’t care about my kids and left them in harms way. My father grabbed me by the neck and slammed me against the wall choking me. My friend had to make him let me go. She told them how my sister was way off base with the facts. I couldn’t believe it….. That bitch…… That evil bitch….. All she has ever done was tell lies about me and try to make me look bad. She tried to force feed me cake because I was thin and much like a Barbie doll and she had always been over weight and unattractive. For years, she would use my picture as her own on dating and social sites. After all of that, I still spoke to the bitch, because she was family. But to this day, I have never been able to get passed her telling me my son was dead. The same son who did actually die, many years later in a car accident.

I have no real clue why she hated me so much. Heck, my brother hated me my entire life because I was born. And yes, he admitted to that! I can only assume it was due to me being the baby and much younger than the rest of them, so I was more spoiled because I was the only child left in the house. Her evil ways became much worse once I hit puberty and became thin and attractive. Her own best friend would ask me to go out with her instead of my sister, because my sister has always been such a bitch, I guess. That really pissed her off and she would call the clubs that we went to and try to cause problems then. That’s when the lies to my parents began as well. Though even when I was very young she, along with my brother, would do mean things to me. Like telling me they would play a game with me if I went into the basement to get the game. As soon as I went down the stairs to the basement, they would lock the door and turn off the lights, then proceed to make scary noises through the vents.

My evil sister has been living some of the karma that she created for herself. She is in a job where no one likes her and the boss said she needs to take classes on how to talk to people. She cannot understand this, but everyone else knows that she talks down to others and treats them horribly. I guess I should of been honest and told her the truth about that when she seemed so confused as to why no one liked her. Plainly said, she has ALWAYS been an Evil Bitch. You reap what you sow! She has managed to create a life where no one wants to be around her, where she will surely live a long and lonely life……

I did finally slam the door shut on my relationship with my evil sister, just the other day actually. You do not have to allow someone to be horrible to you, just because you are blood related. I always thought I had to keep her in my life, she is my sister after all. You do NOT have to allow anyone who treats you negatively in your life, regardless if they are related to you or not. In the last few years I have made a few HARD decisions and I have closed the door on a few people that where in my life who negatively affected me. Those were the best choices I ever made. Now I have finally closed the door on my evil sister and brother and I know now, I should of done it a VERY long time ago! We are brought up to believe that no matter what our family does, we are to support them and stay connected to them. WHY? Just because the same blood runs through our veins? I could of saved myself years of headache and torture if I had just closed the damn door a long time ago. And yes, my evil sister even tortured me. In my younger years she would hold me down and shove her husbands nasty socks in my face. She would not allow me to go to sleep at night, if I started to fall asleep in the chair, she would hit me. She would sit me down and brush my hair by ripping it out with the brush and if I flinched or made a single noise, she would beat my head with the brush. I guess that is why it no longer really hurts me if my hair is ripped out. I had to tolerate her when I was young, but I DO NOT have to allow her in my life anymore!

How to remove the evil from your life….. I removed the evil ones from all social sights and click the block button so they cannot send nasty messages to me, that make me cry and hurt. I remove the evil ones from the address book on my email and mark them as spam if they do send an email and quickly I no longer see even the heading of their messages. I do not answer phone calls and I inform the members of the house that if the evil ones call, I am not here or I am not willing to communicate with them any longer! Everything we do is a choice. From the moment we wake up. We choose if we get out of bed, to get dressed, to eat or not to eat and so on. Every single thing is a choice. Choices can have consequences as well. I have always tried to take a moment to choose what I thought was the “right” thing to do. Sometimes, what we think is right is actually very bad for us. Make this year the year that you no longer allow anyone in your life that negatively effects you. It can be painful at first, but you will see soon enough, that those choices greatly benefit you emotionally and physically…………