Christmas Eve Ramblings…

Due to lack of funds, I was only able to buy and send my grandson a gift this year.  I did not put up the tree or decorate this year, why bother.  It is best to try and pretend it is just another regular day.  My son and his girlfriend said they could not afford to buy gifts at all this year.  Funny thing is, they bought gifts for the neighbors!  If anything they should of bought for the nephew, but this is just one of many things that proves to me how little I matter.  I pay the mortgage and scrape by, so they have a roof over their heads.  They still have NOT even tried to fix their car or put up any money for it.  No vehicle causes me a lot of stress!  They expect me to pay to fix the car when I sell my broke down van!  All I ask for is some damn effort on their part, but NO!  They still do NOTHING to help me out around the house…

Why am I still here, you ask… Well, I can’t find anywhere to take my animals in.  I have to have them homed before I can leave here to live with my parents.  I have tried everywhere. Even the shelter is not taking in anymore animals and I really did not want to do that to them anyway!  Maybe I am stuck here for now for a reason, who knows.  Just trying to deal with any of it, stresses me to the point of panic attacks.  I sure never thought I would be in this position back when I save each one of the animals…

I have been sick with the flu since last Saturday.  It came on suddenly, in my throat to chest area, cough, high fevers for three days and now I still cough like mad and am unable to eat much at all.  I can eat soup and toast, everything else kills my stomach.  I will have to break down and see the doctor next week if I don’t improve.   If I find a way to get there!  I haven’t been able to do the few basic chores in days.  I am going to try to vacuum from my rolling chair today.  Oh yeah, the kids wanted me to cook the turkey for Christmas, I haven’t even taken it out to thaw and I have NO plans on cooking!  Why would I?  I can’t eat and they are ungrateful shits…

My son, the alcoholic, was given a huge bottle of Rum last night from the neighbors.  Liquor always makes him violent.  Sure enough, he comes home last night, followed by his girlfriend and they get into a fight.  I hear her screaming in the bedroom and I had to stop him from hurting her.  The dogs freak out when they yell and they both shoved into my bedroom with me.  Have I mentioned how I am allergic to pet dander, which is why it so important to vacuum daily for me.  I don’t get it, no one is happy here!  His girlfriend lays around all day pissy when she is here.  Every chance she gets to go visit with the neighbors she goes.  My son goes to the other neighbors house and plays poker every night.  They are alcoholics there too, so I know it has a lot to do with free beer!  I don’t drink, I just never have had the stomach for it…

My daughter has been in jail since August.  She was now sentenced to six month in prison followed by four years probation.  She is waiting to be transferred.  The good thing is she is sober and I know she is safe, but she thinks she can just come here when she gets out.  She can’t!  She chose to burn this bridge until there was no bridge left.  My son says if she comes here, he is gonna leave.  Maybe I should let her and then I can just move to my parents then.  Ugh!  I wish someone would come here and find homes for my animals and then help me sell my stuff so I could just leave.  The one thing I will miss is the freedom and space I have here though.  But, I sure have become a hermit here…

The weather is awesome today and tomorrow.  70’s, so I can sit outside finally and air this house out.  I find myself feeling lonely, more so at this time of year, but I just can’t deal with another relationship.  All I can do is take everything one moment at a time.  Just continue to survive, until maybe one day something awesome will arrive.  I know all to well how things change in a blink of an eye.  I sure miss having little ones and a family for the holidays………….

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The Depressed Mind…

My depression has a death grip on me. It is such a battle to just get through each minute of the day. Occupying the mind is so important. Today, I started with a plan. I knew I needed to be busy. I pushed through my high level of pain and I cleaned my bedroom. I have to move slowly and it did take me over 6 hours to complete the task. I am in a ton of pain from moving around so much too, but I kept my mind busy throughout the day by doing the task. I am now laying down and it feels like my entire pelvis, hips and low back are crushing me. I am so tired of this pain!

I have also gained ten pounds. I feel ill all the time and I know that is partly due to not eating right. So, I set out today to go back to eating better as well. Today, I ate a kiwi, nuts, vegetable stir fry and some sharp cheddar cheese. My stomach and entire digestive tract feels better this evening. I must continue to eat healthy. Overtime, eating right should help with the depression too.

Last night my son blared the music in his room after I went to bed. He was mad because my daughter had a friend over and he thinks she should be punished anyway possible because she didn’t pay him for the last week of babysitting after he refused to watch my grandson and she had to quit her job. He is the only one acting immature and causing all kinds of stress. I am still very upset at him doing that and slamming the doors in my house. If he continues on this path I will be forced to kick him out again.

Ugh! This pain is so bad! I’m so tired of it all… Bedtime can’t come soon enough. It is the only thing I look forward too. Then when I wake in the morning I have to endure hours of crushing pain. What a life… Then add in the deep dark pit of depression… Wow! And I just ate four Oreo cookies… Wonk wonk…

Basically, my mornings and nights up until I go to bed are horrendous! Sometimes the entire day is. The days I do ok in the afternoon, are the days I take very single thing I have for the pain and as soon as I get the hard edge off of my pain I go do something, slowly. Keeping the mind busy and moving slowly because that is what I have to do or I end up on the floor crying. Multiple breaks were I sit or lay down for short spells too. Then the pain comes crushing in and doesn’t let up! If I could just get enough control of the pain I could get somewhere here, but NO, they refuse to give me any additional medication and said I have to wean off the meds I do have after I recover from surgery. I pray the surgery helps this pain. If it doesn’t, that will be it for me. I have fought and struggled through over three years of this hell so far and the pain keeps increasing and spreading. If I did not have the hope that the surgery would help, I would already be gone. It all boils down to hope. As long as you have even an ounce of hope, you push on.

I really am at the end of my rope. I have no where to turn and no one to go to. I am holding on for Tuesday or Wednesday to find out when my surgery is and I pray it is soon! I really don’t know how long I can hold on anymore………….

Wham… Destruction, Chaos & Depression…

I had two days where everything and everyone was calm. I even was able to get some cleaning done. It is amazing how stress and the people around you can deeply affect your pain levels and mood.

Yesterday, my daughter received her final check from work. She decided not to pay my son for the babysitting he did that week. Even though I told her it was wrong to do that! My son spent the entire day and night bitching at me and telling me I had better do something about it or he was going to have fits of rage and destroy things. He then took anything his girlfriend bought for the house and put it in his bedroom, which included the fabric softener I have her buy since I pay for the stuff and make the laundry detergent. I told him not to do the crap to me and make my life even more of a hell or take it out on my grandson. He said they would not be taking him to his therapy appointments anymore. Hours upon hours of him going at me and telling me I better kick my daughter and grandson out of this house or I would have hell to pay. Of course, my pain levels went through the roof. I cried and I told my daughter she had better find a way to fix this mess she created. She feels like she did no wrong since he refused to watch her son and she had to quit working. They are both way too immature!

Instead of being glad they actually have a mother and roof over their head, they are making my life a living hell. My son even told me that I was going to loose everyone if I allowed my daughter to stay here. Wow! Last night I decided I was no longer going to struggle and fight to stay alive. Not in this hell I live in. I just can’t do it anymore. My pain levels are beyond help when I have to deal with them and their petty crap. I am going to give it all until Wednesday and see if he does all the crappy things he has threatened, then I will decide if I need to dig really deep down inside for the strength to get me out of this hell I live in. I had thought things were finally settling down and I might actually get to live and survive this life.

I finally heard from the hospital about my hysterectomy surgery. They said it would be after next Tuesday before they could call me with my surgery date. That the doctor was out until then and he had to look at their OR schedule and his schedule and see when he could fit me in. Geeze, now if wonder how long it will be before I finally get the surgery. I have felt hungry all the time and been eating way too much, I have gained almost ten pounds in this last month. Not good. Depression, stress, worry and pain are just sucking the life right out of me! My family actually could help me through all of this and help me have less pain if they would grow up and get along and put me before their own crap. They will be very sorry one day, but it will be way too late by then. The stress of it all also has me smoking way too much.

I cannot even sit here without horrible crushing pain. I was unable to go out for breakfast this morning because of the intensity of the pain. I don’t get the offer to go out very often and it sucks that I was unable to go today! I wish I would just go to sleep and never wake up. I know when you finally give up completely, your body will die. Why I continue to hold on to even the tiniest of things is beyond me. I more than deserve some peace in my life. I do the right thing and I always care for others. I have lived through way too many tragedies in this life too. Shall I count the ways……

1. Lost my son to a car accident when he was 16 in 2003!
2. Lost my sister to cancer in 2000!
3. Survived a gang attack in 2010!
4. 2nd husband cheated and left and I lost everything I worked years for in 2006!
5. I survived being poisoned by that same husband too!
6. Deathly ill in 1984 with mono which I had again in 2006!
7. Tonsils removed in 1983, tubal in 1992 & gallbladder in 2005!
8. Had a lingering case of 5th disease back in 1994, was extremely ill for months on end!
9. 16 years of mental abuse from 2nd husband 1990-2006!
10. Given a conclusion from hubby #2 in 1991!
11. Current husband up and left me in 2009 for 5/6 weeks!
12. Years of severe panic attacks and agoraphobia where I couldn’t leave my home for six months at a time, which reoccurred every two years like clock work. 1995-2001, sporadic issues since as well.
13. Physically abused by youngest son in 2006 & 2007!
14. Severe depression, panic attacks, anxiety and borderline personality disorder for most of my life!
15. Locking my bedroom door at night for fear of my son!
16. Living with absolutely no support what so ever from my family!
17. Multiple counts of rape!
18. Molested as a child by more than one person!

I could keep going, but that’s the jest of it all I guess. The top traumas being the loss of my son and surviving the gang attack. Both of those left me with PTSD issues and deep trauma that has never healed. There is no way to get over the loss of your child. He was the one child I had that was always here for me and we were very close. I ask myself often what the hell I had done that was so horrible to deserve this life. If I could go back to around age 14, I would change it all in a heartbeat. I would never have children, the pain of loosing one and then dealing with the hell the other two have given me! I would pay attention in school and go on to college and make a career for myself that I loved. I would never have to count on anyone else. But, we cannot go back and change anything. We only have what is right now, before us. There is not much I can do with the way things are. I have to get out one way or another. Whether I physically up and leave or I go back to live with God again. There has to be an end to this nightmare. I could go live with my parents, though I will have loneliness issues there. I cannot run from my mental problems, they are always with me. I am going to be 45 this year and I cannot even remember a joyous time in my life, even as a child I was riddled with fear and panic. I feel like I am backed into a corner. It’s pretty sad when you have to leave the house you own in order to survive any further in life. I could toss everyone out, but I wouldn’t be able to pay the utility bills. I ran my own business and made very good money. I have lived both ends of the stick, rich and poor. I worked hard and had everything I ever wanted, just to have it all ripped from me in a blink of an eye………….

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Dark circles under my eyes. No make up, because it takes too much energy to apply! This is where I spend most of my life, in the bathroom, alone!

I Don’t Even Know Where To Begin…

I wish I recorded all the crap that was said and done today. Just so I could recall all of it. My daughter got a job and she was gone all day yesterday, while she was gone I cleaned the kitchen and straightened up some stuff. I did what I could and I did a bit too much cause I ended up crying in pain. Today she worked all day again. I started to clean up the kitchen, then “B” and my son has bad attitudes with me. Turns out they were jealous that I was doing what they felt was my daughters chore and that I do everything for her and nothing for them. Come on already! I have enough crap to deal with! I can hear everything they say when I am in my room too.

I needed gas in the car in order to get my daughter to and from work and they refused to help with it. “B” said it was her problem not his and how much he hates her. Then my son got pissy with me when my grandson was wanting me for something. My son told me to shut up and go clean the damn kitchen like I am supposed too. Yeah, in my own house, I have to live like this! I ended I up crying and then into a huge fight with “B”. Then I cried more. He is horrible towards me and he doesn’t see it. The stress causes me to smoke even more.

It’s been raining all day here too, which increases my pain levels. I had to go this morning for the follow up ultrasound on the growths on my ovaries. Surprisingly, the technician told me what she could see. She said the right ovary looked good, but the left did have a rather large growth and that I had fibroids with one in the center of my uterus being large. I never heard of the fibroids before. Now, I wait for my appointment next Thursday to go over the tests and schedule my hysterectomy. I am praying it is able to be done using the robot. That way I won’t have a huge cut down my abdomen but rather four smaller cuts.

Oh, what I would give to have some support around here. Heck, just to be spoken to nicely. Days like today are when I wish I would go to sleep and never wake back up again………….

Frustration, On Edge…

One of the things that sometimes occurs with my BPD, Borderline Personality Disorder, is that I go through time where I feel so alone and I get very down. During times like this I tend to order things online. I guess I am trying to find a way to make myself feel better. Unfortunately, I don’t have the funds to really pay for these things. It causes more problems for me.

Lately, I have been stressed out on how to get things I need. I no longer received any child support and that was how I would pick up things as they were needed. The money I do get once a month is gone the day I get it on the mortgage and the two bills I have to pay on. I have NO support system at all here. I try to talk to “B” and he will never listen to me or really engage with me in any conversation. My son and daughter cause a ton of drama and they rarely ever talk with me. My daughter actually spends most of the day screaming and acting psychotic. I am feeling so very alone and abandoned!

I just tried to talk to “B” about the issues I have with feeling stressed over getting things that are needed and my problem of buying things when I feel so trapped in this BPD cloud. He just snapped at me and he says hurtful things. He complained that he had to purchase the mattress for my grandsons bed and I had ordered a fitbit band in one of my BPD moments. I understand his frustration with me, but I did well and the entire year last year I did not buy a single thing. If only he was supportive and helpful instead of every interaction being negative!

My daughter woke at 8am and screamed, cussed and was psychotic until about a half an hour ago. I told her she needed to calm down and she just jumped all over me. She was pissed do off at first because she couldn’t find the remote to the TV and she was screaming at me about it. I found the remote under the chair. She just couldn’t get up off the couch and look herself! Hearing her screaming causes me to tense up and that increases my pain. I have been extremely irritable lately from so much negativity and I feel like I am going to just snap.

I am always alone and usually hiding in my room to avoid being screamed at. My grandson, who is four years old, was upset when he was sent to his room by his mother and took a puzzle piece and his hand and smashed the glass in his bedroom window. The poor kid has some serious anger issues and I had spent a year working on it with him, he was doing better, then his mother came back and it all went out the window!

I am finding myself crying and feeling just so darn alone. I have to take my daughter to the store so she can use a gift card to buy sheets for my grandsons bed. They will be getting a bunk bed set delivered tomorrow. It is twin on top and full on the bottom and will help clear up the small room the two of them are in right now together. My daughters full mattress is on the floor and my grandson is sleeping in a toddler bed and there is no room for him to play in there and I cannot even get to the window in that room. I want to go to the store and get it over with, but she is so horrible to be around.

I know how important it is to have someone that you can talk to and share your feelings with. I have absolutely no one here! I see the GYN oncologist tomorrow morning. I am expecting that he will be scheduling a biopsy of the growths on my ovaries. The left one being very large and pushing my uterus to the right. I have had horrible pain for more than two weeks now that I cannot seem to catch a break from. It has been spreading and increasing over the last three years and we just accidentally found these growths. I do worry about it being cancer, as I do fit all the symptoms of that. I just wish I had someone I could really talk to about it all. If I talk about how bad I hurt, “B” tells me he doesn’t want to hear it.

I am having a melt down… I feel I am loosing my mind and as if there is nothing left to hold on to anymore………….