SMILE, it really does bring joy…

I have struggled a lot recently with way too much pain and feeling down.  One thing is for sure, just the simple act of forcing a smile on your face does uplift you!  That’s right, make yourself smile, even while you are feeling down or angry.  Force that smile on your face and your body releases a feel good chemical that does improve your mood.

I was feeling all kinds or anger for many reasons, then I remembered that smiling will help, so I forced a smile on my face and I held that smile there for a full minute.  I began to feel better!  Every moment I caught myself feeling down I put that smile back on my face and I felt better.  I found myself smiling for no reason at all.  This really does work!  

What do you have to loose… Nothing, except your sadness and anger.  The next time you feel down, angry or just not good, force a smile upon your face.  Hold that smile there for as long as you can and through out the day remember to smile even when you don’t feel like it.  Trust me, your body will send out that feel good chemical and you will improve your mood.  I dare you….. Just try it out!

I would love to hear from anyone who has given forth the effort to force the smile upon their face and continue to put that smile there rough the day………….

S M I L E . . .


April 2015

I have been struggling with increased pain recently.  Living here with the negativity and daily stress does affect how I feel.  I am counting down the days to when I leave to visit family up north for five weeks.  My daughter wakes and every single day she immediately begins yelling at her son.  I have repeatedly told her that I cannot take that anymore, yet she still does it.  They all seem to think they should be rewarded for when they actually do something around here, yet I am supposed to treat them like adults, as if we are all just roommates.  I am strongly considering moving up north.  I feel so much better out of this environment, instead of feeling good until someone wakes up and starts yelling.  This feels like the life is being sucked out of me!

I have never had my own life.  I became pregnant and then married at the age of 16 and I have been married three times.  Always went from one husband right to the next one.  This time I have stopped that and I have stayed single.  I tried dating, but found all of the men to be of great disappointment.  So instead, I have been working on myself and I go to the gym three times a week.  I am ready for my own life now.  I deserve my own life.  I have raised my kids and taken care of everyone else ever since I was 16 years old.  I am now 45 years old.  

I do not want to loose my house here, in order to keep it I have to pay the mortgage, that leaves me with little money to take care of myself though.  That is what has been stopping me from just leaving.  Plus, my grandson needs a stable home.

Our minds are very powerful.  What ever you choose to do, you can master!  It is much easier to accomplish when you are in an environment of peace though.  When I took three weeks and went to my parents house, I was in peace and I saw the stress melt off my face!  I began to feel very good about myself as well.  That is the key to our own happiness, our environment!

I do believe I am going to have a difficult time coming back home from my trip up north.  Maybe that will finally be the push that makes me choose myself for once!

Pictures of me now…


With my daughter   

With my grandson  


It Seems Like I Keep Getting Sick…

A week ago, I noticed a swollen area in my neck on the right side. I do not have my tonsils and I have not had even a sore throat really ever since they were removed. This lump got bigger and more painful every day and then another lump on the other side of my neck came up. On Monday, the lump was big enough to see just by looking at my neck, so I went to the doctor. He said he felt it was the Eustachian tubes and not lymph nodes since it is a long thin lump. He put me on high doses of amoxicillin, 1,000 mg twice a day and gave me a steroid shot in my butt. After three days I was still dealing with very large painful lumps. It feels like I have a sore throat but it is really coming from deep in my ear where it meets the throat. I put in another call to the doctor yesterday but I have not heard anything yet. I was unable to even stay awake yesterday. I very much need some relief from this and I want to know what the heck is going on. I guess I will go into the ER if I don’t get anywhere today and it keeps causing me so much distress.

On the boyfriend front… I jumped the gun and let him move in here with me and he was a completely different person. The five days he had stayed with me before where amazing, but when he had living here status he was a jack ass. What is up with men anyway. I feel thinks I never felt in my life for this guy, I had thought it must be true love, now I am left wondering what it really is. I ended up having him move back out after one week. My brain says he is not good for me and my heart/body wants him. He doesn’t put forth the effort to make me a priority though. I am going with the flow and seeing what happens. My best friend says she has a bad feeling about him and I need to stay away from him.

An old friend from high school has been talking to me and we have been catching up on things over the years. That’s been real nice. Heck, he has been more attentive towards me than anyone!

My daughter was arrested five days after beating me and spent a night in jail. They waited five days to arrest her for beating me in the head, weird! The judge put her on a year of probation where she has to check in monthly and pay on fines and she is to have no violent contact with me. The judge also ordered her to do family counseling, but they have not enforced that. So, basically, they get some money out of the deal and I can have her put in jail for a year if she chooses to be violent toward me again. I guess that is a step in the right direction. She just needs to stay off drugs and alcohol!

The boyfriend and me…