The Dreary Winter Months…

Every year, since my son passed away, I fight the darkness of depression from Halloween into the New Year.  For the last 2 years, we have no been able to have a Christmas here, no money for that.  I try hard to just pretend it is just another day.  I do not decorate for it…

I know that moving to my parents is the best for me, but in order to do that, I have to find homes for my animals.  My dog is very old and one of the cats as well, so it would be best to put them down, but that costs money.  Every time I think about it I get very stressed out and I have to push it all away and not think about it or I end up with a Panic Attack!  I also need too have a Yard Sale, but I need help and I don’t have help.  So, here I am just trying to get through each day as it comes. Never knowing when I will be able to deal with it enough to take care of it all…

For 3 days now, it has been cold, cloudy and raining.  The lack of sunlight increases the depression.  It also increases my pain!  Getting through each day has been very difficult!  I am unable to do anything unless I am in a chair with pillows to sit on.  As I tried to clean up the kitchen, I fell out of the chair.  Just wonderful…

I have not felt another’s touch in over a year now.  I get lonely, but I can’t stand the thought of dealing with someone else.  I have become much more isolated and antisocial.  I often wonder why I have had three marriages end.  I fought to save the last two, but they were immature and cheaters.  I always said I would marry three times maximum and if the third one didn’t work out, I would be completely done and I am.  I don’t even have a life anymore.  Every day is the same.  This is NO Life at all.  Struggling just to survive, unable to afford to eat right, no one to help me and every moment is filled with chronic pain and depression, wondering when I will finally get to be done with this life…

I am having a Nerve Block on the 21st this month, praying it helps me some.  The problem is I have pain in so many areas, but it would be nice to not have one of the areas crushing me every day!   I truly feel like I am just wasting away.  Every single year, it gets worse!  My vehicle died over a year ago and my son’s girlfriends vehicle hasn’t run in five months now, yet they have not done a damn thing about it and getting to appoiappointments has  become very difficult.  So, I have been watching a lot of TV to occupy my mind away from everything!  Not being able to move much, has caused me to gain weight as well!  Like I said, no life at all………….

Tracking…

I have decided to track my pain levels, medication taken and the times through out the day today. My pain levels are through the roof, so I doubt I will be able to be out of bed much.

I am prescribed a muscle relaxer and Ativan three times a day that I usually just take one per day, but I will be taking them both three times today to see if it helps with my pain levels at all. These meds tend to make me feel loopy and tired, but sleep is a break from the pain so I will take it right now. I don’t like feeling high or loopy so I tend to only take what I have to. Right now I need way more than what I am taking.

It hurts just to be alive! I figured I need to try everything I have available to me and hopefully I will find some magical combination that works at least a little bit. I am constantly feeling like my bones are being broken and crushed in my lower left side of my back, hip, butt, tailbone, abdomen and leg on down to my toes. My morning dose of meds doesn’t seem to touch this pain at all.

I have told myself that I just need to go with the flow today. Allow myself to sleep when ever possible and to be in the position of the least amount of pain. There is no position that is pain free. I am grateful to have the sleeping medications that I have, because they help me sleep at night. I could just imagine where my mind would be right now if I was unable to sleep at all. They knock me right out, thank GOD!

It is so difficult to find things to be grateful for or positive about when you are in so much pain. My mental state is erratic and extremely irritable. I have to keep reminding myself that others don’t really understand what I am going through, because the do not feel this pain. I just tell them all that I am in a lot of pain and I am very irritable and I am sorry if I sound nasty. The I try to stay away from everyone as much as possible.

I have also decided to schedule on my birthday this year, to look back over my life, relationships and where I am at with my pain. My birthday is in August and that will get me through all the appointments the next month and the surgery and recovery. I must make a change in my life. I will not continue to live in so much negativity and continue to be in a relationship that feels like I am just room mates. So I have made some decisions on when I need to evaluate and I am tracking my pain and medications to see what works and what doesn’t. I am using the rice packs I made years ago, to keep my painful areas heated and be very still as much as possible. Any movement amplifies my pain levels.

I will post what I did today and what my results are in a post tomorrow. Something has got to give. I wish I had a hot tub or a deep bath tub so I could soak all the way in hot epsom salt water, but I don’t have that option. I think it is very cruel that “B” ran out and bought himself something he wanted but did not need, instead of trying to get something to help me with my pain. I would of put him first, but that is how I am. I cannot make him treat me the way I want or wish, because I have absolutely no control over another person! If only he could feel this pain for one hour. Surely, he would be screaming and thinking he was dying………….

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“NO Makeup and a fake smile to cover the pain I am in”