Christmas Eve Ramblings…

Due to lack of funds, I was only able to buy and send my grandson a gift this year.  I did not put up the tree or decorate this year, why bother.  It is best to try and pretend it is just another regular day.  My son and his girlfriend said they could not afford to buy gifts at all this year.  Funny thing is, they bought gifts for the neighbors!  If anything they should of bought for the nephew, but this is just one of many things that proves to me how little I matter.  I pay the mortgage and scrape by, so they have a roof over their heads.  They still have NOT even tried to fix their car or put up any money for it.  No vehicle causes me a lot of stress!  They expect me to pay to fix the car when I sell my broke down van!  All I ask for is some damn effort on their part, but NO!  They still do NOTHING to help me out around the house…

Why am I still here, you ask… Well, I can’t find anywhere to take my animals in.  I have to have them homed before I can leave here to live with my parents.  I have tried everywhere. Even the shelter is not taking in anymore animals and I really did not want to do that to them anyway!  Maybe I am stuck here for now for a reason, who knows.  Just trying to deal with any of it, stresses me to the point of panic attacks.  I sure never thought I would be in this position back when I save each one of the animals…

I have been sick with the flu since last Saturday.  It came on suddenly, in my throat to chest area, cough, high fevers for three days and now I still cough like mad and am unable to eat much at all.  I can eat soup and toast, everything else kills my stomach.  I will have to break down and see the doctor next week if I don’t improve.   If I find a way to get there!  I haven’t been able to do the few basic chores in days.  I am going to try to vacuum from my rolling chair today.  Oh yeah, the kids wanted me to cook the turkey for Christmas, I haven’t even taken it out to thaw and I have NO plans on cooking!  Why would I?  I can’t eat and they are ungrateful shits…

My son, the alcoholic, was given a huge bottle of Rum last night from the neighbors.  Liquor always makes him violent.  Sure enough, he comes home last night, followed by his girlfriend and they get into a fight.  I hear her screaming in the bedroom and I had to stop him from hurting her.  The dogs freak out when they yell and they both shoved into my bedroom with me.  Have I mentioned how I am allergic to pet dander, which is why it so important to vacuum daily for me.  I don’t get it, no one is happy here!  His girlfriend lays around all day pissy when she is here.  Every chance she gets to go visit with the neighbors she goes.  My son goes to the other neighbors house and plays poker every night.  They are alcoholics there too, so I know it has a lot to do with free beer!  I don’t drink, I just never have had the stomach for it…

My daughter has been in jail since August.  She was now sentenced to six month in prison followed by four years probation.  She is waiting to be transferred.  The good thing is she is sober and I know she is safe, but she thinks she can just come here when she gets out.  She can’t!  She chose to burn this bridge until there was no bridge left.  My son says if she comes here, he is gonna leave.  Maybe I should let her and then I can just move to my parents then.  Ugh!  I wish someone would come here and find homes for my animals and then help me sell my stuff so I could just leave.  The one thing I will miss is the freedom and space I have here though.  But, I sure have become a hermit here…

The weather is awesome today and tomorrow.  70’s, so I can sit outside finally and air this house out.  I find myself feeling lonely, more so at this time of year, but I just can’t deal with another relationship.  All I can do is take everything one moment at a time.  Just continue to survive, until maybe one day something awesome will arrive.  I know all to well how things change in a blink of an eye.  I sure miss having little ones and a family for the holidays………….

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I cannot seem to remember when…..

I cannot seem to remember when Christmas was enjoyable. I have been thinking about it for some time now and all I can come up with was, back when my children were all still alive and little. That would make the last enjoyable Christmas in 2002! Normally, I would be enjoying setting up the Christmas tree with my grandson, but with the amount of pain I am in, plus the dreaded depression lurking over my head, I just can’t seem to find any joy in this season. I haven’t been able to go out and shop and had to do all of my shopping online, this is due to the chronic pain. The only way we are even able to buy any gifts for Christmas is by putting money away all year into a Christmas fund.

Back before my chronic pain set in, I would bake different cookies through out the month of December. I would place some from every batch for my good neighbor friend and my family would munch on these cookie while joy glittered in their eyes. I would play Christmas music while baking or decorating for Christmas. I so loved wrapping presents, that we the best part of Christmas for me.

So where did it all go? Well, dealing with pain non stop, which is getting worse as each year goes by, sure has put a damper on the festivities for me. Not having enough money to buy the items needed to bake, let alone meals every day. Plus in order for me to bake, I have to sit in a chair, which I don’t usually mind doing. I don’t know if it is due to this deep dark cloud of depression that has been pressing down upon me or if it is a combination of all the things I have had to endure over the last few years. Going from making $1,000+ a week and being physically able to bake the entire day away….. To having to survive on $785 a month and deal with pain that just will not end. My son died in 2003, that was the very first Christmas that was not joyful for me. Come to think of it, none of them have been joyful for me since he departed. Then just three years later my husband decided drugs and woman are what he wanted and he left his family. Loosing my dream home, where I stated that I Would Be Buried, Because I Was NEVER leaving! Having to move back to Georgia where the people are so rude and disrespectful.

I want to make this depression go away. I have allowed my body to command what I do. In the past, depression would go away sooner when I allowed myself to do what my body wanted me to do. Like, go take a nap, etc. I have even forced myself to crochet so I had something occupying my mind. Nothing is working….. I see my psychiatric doctor on Tuesday for my meds check, I will see what they want to do about it then. I doubt any medication is really going to help me with this one. I am already on many meds and at decent levels. Where is joy? Where is happiness? Why does everything that anyone says or does, drive me nuts? I am irritable and even just hearing someone say a simple statement brings up an anger or annoyance within me. I just want to be away from everyone, because they are all driving me insane. I keep ding out in my bathroom, but they all come knocking on the door!

I am so tired, exhausted beyond words. Yet, I cannot go to sleep until hours after I take my insomnia medications. When I do fall asleep, I am sleeping a good 10-11 hours. I wake feeling like I never slept……

So, tomorrow we are decorating the Christmas tree. I want it to be fun for my grandson. I want to be able to hide how depressed I am from him and not ruin his fun with the season. I don’t want to put up the Christmas village, but I will force myself to do it for him! I need prayers…. Prayers for joy to fill my heart and for laughter to find my lips…………….