It Never Ends…

Now my secondary insurance is saying I do not have full coverage.  So, I still cannot be seen by a psychiatrist because I am poor.  Which is it then?  First they said they don’t cover adults for mental health and now it is that I do not have full coverage.   I pray my general doctor will do the letter that my pain doctor needs and continue to prescribe my panic medication…

On top of that, the CDC has issued new rules on Opioid medication.  They do not want anyone to have opioid medication, even the chronic pain community.  Many have already had their meds reduced or completely taken away, leaving them in horrendous pain.  The CDC says this is to combat the overdose deaths, but those are actually happening with addicts and heroin.  They categorize heroin in with all prescribed opioids.  A hospital in Boston has already stopped giving opioid medication after surgery!  WTF!  Can you imagine not getting any form of help with the excruciating pain?  People with chronic pain conditions are being left, dropped by doctors.  Unable to work anymore due to this and many have killed themselves.  With NO hope of obtaining any form of relief from never ending pain, that seems to be the only option left.  There will be a huge increase in suicides as this progresses on.  Just do a search for “opioid epidemic or CDC opioids” you will see for yourself what I am referring to.  Doctors never give enough medication to really cover the pain as it is…

This year has been extremely difficult for me.  My pain is worse and spread to other areas.  My panic disorder has been very troublesome.  I am having to use a cane most of the time.  If I never had to stand, walk or bend; I would have less pain.  But, my wheelchair doesn’t fit in the doorways inside my house.  I need a power chair that will fit.  Hell, I need a lot of things, but no money to obtain them.  I need one of those small circle shower chairs and something to holed my shower head lower.  Showering is so painful, that I have not done it in 9 days now.  Yeah I know-Gross, but I do give myself a sponge bath daily.  Though, my hair need to be cleaned…

For me, even sitting has become painful.  I don’t know what to do anymore.  I already have to bring a thick foam cushion to sit on everywhere I go.  I feel like my entire back side of the pelvic bone plus both hips are being crushed inward.  The pain engulfs my butt cheeks as well, then it goes down my left leg (feels like a brain freeze after eating something frozen fast) and both my feet constantly feel like they are being crushed – but the outside area is completely numb.  The left side of my neck has never stopped hurting since I was beat.  I now have a lot of weakness in my left leg too.  I am unable to do much of anything and what I do get done is always from a padded chair on wheels.  I had to choose between toilet paper or toothpaste this month.  I only have a small amount of money to buy things I need every month and always having to choose between things I NEED!!!

My parents came up here from Florida and took me on their trip to Northern ILLINOIS to see my brother & sister and their families.  I am so grateful I got to see them all, since I know it will be the last time I get too.  I thought laying down in the back seat would help keep my pain lower, but it did not.  Most of the trip I was in tremendous pain.  The trip is normally 15-16 hours if you drive straight there, but my parents needed to stop driving by 4pm every day, so we stopped over at hotels twice to get there.  On the way back home, we stopped over night once.  I did get to see my grandson for an hour, which was very nice.  We left here on the 18th and returned here on the 26th.  

The neighbor gave us a gas oven, since mine hasn’t worked in two years, but it is missing the power cord and my father said it looked bad at the connection.  So, we continue on without an oven.  Story of my life, disappointed after disappointment………….

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I just want it all to end…

I am in so much pain that it takes every ounce within me and every single medication I have to just get through a single day…
Dealing for over three years of constant pain with the levels running from a minimum of a 6 up to the highest of total hell at a 10. Six would be after a lot of rest and an arsenal of medications, that will last for two to three hours. When you cannot get down to a number that allows you to do things to occupy your mind, you become severely depressed. The pain eats away at you and your life becomes pure hell. The light can no longer be seen at the end of the tunnel. Darkness surrounds you and you are completely alone!

No position is comfortable. No place to go to hide from the torturous pain that has consumed you. You cannot sleep, or eat or even find one little thing that will bring a smile to your face… I know the importance of keeping your mind busy. So you can move your focus away from the pain. Being able to work on crafts or anything that will occupy your mind is key in survival for anyone who suffers daily in the hands of chronic pain! One thing is for sure, it costs money. And money I do NOT have. Not only that, but when the pain stays consistently at such a high level it drags you down the depression tunnel. It is next to impossible to even think, let alone, of something that will occupy my mind. Here I am, lack of sleep and unable to think or do much of anything. Fearing the inevitable, which is being in a wheelchair again. Wishing something would lessen the pain and that you would find some money so you could go to the store and get something to work on. All creativity has vanished, now unable to even think of one single thing that I could do to keep my mind busy. Pain is hell, it is pure torture. It takes everything away from you! Being positive is a must in dealing with chronic pain, but yet, it is impossible when the pain is just too high and for too long. Now the only thoughts you have are dark and depressing. You just want the hell to stop, once and for all! Suddenly, all hope has left you and there is no one there to tell you it is ok. Try telling yourself it is ok when the pain has consumed all the light you were ever able to find.

I miss my family so much. To be able to see them on the weekends and hang out. To have my sister always there for me. Now I am just here, very far away from my sister and brother and nieces & nephews. I have missed them all these years, but when the darkness consumes you, you can’t seem to stop feeling so lonely and in desperate need of my family!