UPDATE: catheter is finally out…

On Friday I went in for a test to check my bladder, ureter and kidney. They hooked up a bottle of contrast to my catheter and it was supposed flow down into my bladder, but it would not go in. They spent over a half hour trying to get the contrast to go into my bladder and it wouldn’t. It was like something was blocking the catheter line, even though I had no problems with it prior. They ended up having to manually inject the contrast into me with a syringe into the catheter line. Which tells me something must of been in the way and the force of the syringe allowed the contrast to get past it. My bladder became full quickly and they started taking pictures with the fluoroscopy machine. I had to roll to each side and get pictures. They were checking to make sure there were no leaks or reflux. Then the fluoroscopy machine stopped working. They ended up having to restart the entire system. I was thinking, “Geeze, why is it everything that can happen seems to happen to me?” The machine got back up and working and they finished taking pictures. Everything looked great! They hooked me back up to my catheter bag and told me they could not take it out. I was pissed and asked them to call the doctor so I could get it out. Meanwhile, the contrast is not coming out of me into the catheter bag. I sat, then stood, then walked and even sat on the toilet and used force and nothing! There had to be something in there blocking it! Finally, the doctor called back and said yes, they could remove the catheter. As soon as it came out of me, I went to the toilet and peed like crazy. What a relief to finally have that out of me after 25 days!

I had feared not being able to pee or having pain, like many people posted after a catheter was in for an extended period of time, but I had no problems at all. No pain either and I no longer had the stabbing pain the catheter caused me. The only issue I have had was the first two nights I was up every single hour to pee, then last night I was up every two hours to pee. My bladder had to stretch again. I made sure I tried to hold my urine when I felt I had to pee for a little bit to help my bladder get back to normal.

I was at my parents house from August 21 until September 2 and it was so peaceful and nice. My parents waited on me so I didn’t do things that I was restricted from. I had no worries really at all while I was there. I want so badly to be back there now!

I haven’t even been home a week and my adult kids have already been at it again. Getting drunk and fighting. I finally said no alcohol is allowed in this house and if you break the rule, your out. I can pack up and move in with my parents and then they will all be homeless when the house is taken away. I don’t even want to be here, but it is the only way they all have a roof over their heads. I don’t even have enough money after bills to buy things I need. Yet, they go out and get what ever they want. Just kills me. They all need a dose of reality. My grandson is the only reason I am here! He is in Pre-K now and in speech therapy.

“B” and I just live like roommates. He doesn’t do anything with me or even spend time with me when I am laid up. I have gotten to the point I just don’t care anymore. That sucks, because once you get here, there is no going back. I have never been to a concert and he won tickets, but I am in recovery and couldn’t go, he went! He leaves Thursday to go up to see his family by himself. He insisted he was going by himself. Can’t even take a vacation with me. He says he loves me, but there is no way that can be true! It sucks! Just have to learn to love to be with me, myself and I. Oh, and my two kitties!

If I lived with my mom she would have someone to do things with. I would get to do things, instead of being stuck here alone and having to listen to my daughter scream and yell.

Awake at 3:00 AM….

Just about every night I am wake from 3-5 am. Sometimes I wake up with horrible cramps in my legs, feet or hands and sometimes I just wake up hurting in my back, side or hips and have to get up.

Having had two major surgeries six weeks apart sure has taken a toll on my body. I am exhausted all the time. Every two hours I have to go lay down and nap. I have aching pain throughout my abdomen and back. My hips feel like they are badly bruised, yet there is nothing on them. I can’t even lay on them due to how badly bruised they feel. The incision line is also causing me a great deal of discomfort! And let’s not forget the damn catheter that constantly hurts!

I try to not dwell on these things. I try to keep my mind occupied with something, but when your exhausted and hurting this much, it’s extremely difficult.

Everyone told me that after my hysterectomy I would be saying it was the best thing I ever did. I supposed that may of been true if I had not had the complications and required another major and even more invasive surgery. If I could, I would go back and never have the hysterectomy. I would deal with the pain I had instead of all of this!

Today would of been 8 weeks from my radical hysterectomy. All the women in my group who had a hysterectomy in that week time frame are now back to work and back to normal. Mine was off from the start though. Usually after a hysterectomy you don’t bleed much, just spot for a bit. I bled more than spotting right from the start, which then became heavy bleeding and then turned to very watery blood coming out of me. Unfortunately for me, it took the doctor way too long to figure out that I had a hole in my ureter and it was leaking out of me through a hole in my vaginal cuff. I guess the force of all the fluid caused my vaginal cuff to open up, so the fluid could escape. I also had a large hematoma in my abdomen. I didn’t feel right from the moment I woke in recovery and over the course of 2 weeks I progressively become more and more ill. Even then, the doctors office ignored my pleas that something was wrong. How do you tell a patient to just watch the large amount of fluid coming out of them. Nowhere can I find where this is ever normal. Due to that, I spent two days getting sicker and then the fluid began to smell like death. Even with CT scans they did not recognize the hole in the ureter for another week. The place that out a stent in from my kidney to bladder, screwed up and it came out the hole in my ureter and was visible through the hole in my vaginal cuff. Nothing but errors over and over again. I do believe the hospital here tries to kill you.

Then I had a large abdominal incision to repair it all right at 6 weeks post-op from the first surgery. I NEVER want to go through that again. I had an epidural and was still in way too much pain! The first two days I just wanted to die. Then you have to get out of bed and move and every movement is horribly painful, but the more you do it, the quicker it eases up.

Now I am at 2 weeks post-op for the last surgery. I am at my parents house in Florida where it is peaceful and quiet so I can recover the best possible way. My house is full of negativity and drama and not a good place to heal. My appetite is better this time. I am actually eating and I was able to have a Bowel Movement after 8 days instead of two weeks like the first time. It just gets hard to push onward sometimes. I get so tired of being so tired and hurting. I want so badly for everything to heal nicely and there be No more problems. I have a catheter in me and they won’t remove it until September 10th and that is if the test they do on the 5th shows everything is working right. I am concerned of what I will face once it is removed. Will I have urine leakage for a while until my bladder works properly? Will I be able to pee on my own? I wish there was something I could to in order to ensure I will be just fine once it is removed. So much on my plate, I have made it through so many obstacles too. I am ready to be whole again, to be me!………….

Recovering at My Parents…

I saw the doctor on Wednesday and my mom went with me. They took out the many staples, which did not hurt one bit and then they took out the drain, which felt like a horrible burning pain for a solid minute, then eased off. My mom told my doctor how recovering at my home was not a good place to be and he listened to her. He moved things around and made it so I could go home with her for two weeks, the come back and have a test done to make sure my urinary tract is working right and if so, I will finally get the catheter out on the 10th of September. I am concerned about peeing on my own after so long with a catheter, but I did read about some bladder strengthening exercises you can do to help before it is removed, so I need to look into that! I really hate having this catheter. It is uncomfortable and often hurts. I started passing clots and some blood two days ago, I called the doctor but no one has called back yet so I don’t know if it is normal or not. I don’t like the leg bag as it will not stay up on my leg because I have toothpick legs. I only use it if I have to go out somewhere like the doctor, etc. I just use the big bag and carry it around in a tote bag. It is uncomfortable to sit anywhere, but it need to sit on several pillows. I think one of those donut pillows would help so nothing is pushing on the catheter.

My incision line is very long. It is still weeping some from the staples being removed, but looks good and healed well. I have times through the day where it stings and burns, but for the most part it’s not an issue at all. Which is surprising to me with how big it is. It hurt like holy hell the first couple of days though, even with an epidural. Though I could still feel my legs so I don’t think the epidural was placed right. At least it took some of the pain away.

I finally had a bowel movement today. It seems to take four days of drinking miralax to have one. It took 11 days from surgery, but they did give me something to drink the third day in the hospital that gave me horrible cramps and then I exploded with green diarrhea….. TMI! The colace and miralax make it soft and easy to come out, but a pain to get cleaned off. Ok, enough TMI for now!

Over all, I have decent pain control with some issues in the evenings. I sleep about two hours then wake to leg and foot cramps that keep my up for two hours and then I sleep about two more hours and I am up for the day. I take a nap usually in the afternoon. Not much sleep, but I don’t feel horrible either. I try to walk around a it when ever possible.

I came home with my mother to recover for two weeks in peace. My house is full of negativity and drama. Here it is quiet and peaceful so I will recover much better here, not being stressed out every single day! “B” was pissed I was coming here. He just can’t think of anyone before himself. I came here to spend a couple weeks with my parents back in February and ever since “B” has said he was taking his vacation this year by himself, I guess to punish me, even though I don’t care! And he is taking his vacation by himself next month for a week up by his mother. I don’t understand why he gets so mad about me going to my parents. It is a retirement community and I don’t do anything. Not to mention I can’t even do anything now since I am on rest and recovery for 6-8 weeks. When I am home I am in my room alone, he doesn’t even come in there and talk to me. He sits I front of the TV or computer, but never spends a single minute with me. So, why does it matter if I am there or not. It is like he is happy as long as he knows I am in the house. The only draw back to being here is it is pretty hot, but my father has lowered the A/C for me this time, so I am pretty comfortable as long as I stay where the fan is. It truly amazes me how horrible negative and stressful my house is, just being in it. My mom was warn out just from being there for so long. Heck, one day wears you out. You can feel it in the air. I want everyone to be happy. I have been extremely sick and I need desperately to recover well this time. I would not do things that would upset “B” but I had to think of me first this time. It was a sudden choice I made too, at the doctors office when he and my mom wanted me to have a calm recovery period. So I came home and pretty much dumped it on him. He was instantly pissed, you could see it and feel it and the way he acted. I don’t do that to him when he goes places. When he said he was going to s moms alone I was ok with it, I was a bit upset that he chose to do it during my recovery period when I needed help though. I quickly got over that when I realized he doesn’t really do much to help me anyway.

When we force ourselves to connect against our heart’s
desires, we create false, resentful relationships; when
we disconnect from the people who deplete us, we set
them free to find their tribes while we find ours.

~ Logging Off: The Power of Disconnection

Meditation to Heal….

I laid back down this morning, being sick will make you need lots of sleep. I did a meditation to help heal my body and get this infection abscess out of me. I started by relaxing and then I called to GOD and my guides to heal me. I envisioned the healing light fill my body and then I imagined little angels flying into my body and taking pieces of the abscess away. Then I fell asleep.

When I woke I was able to use the bathroom much more normal. I had been having trouble feeling a full bladder and getting it all out, but when I woke I went to the bathroom like normal. So, I will continue this meditation every morning when I lay down for my needed morning nap. I had read stories over the years of kids with cancer that would see the cancer being eaten by PAC man or other creatures and they improved dramatically. Some even got rid of all the cancer.

Our minds are powerful and we have the ability to create so much more than anyone seems to realize. I am willing to do anything possible to heal and recover from this mess. I look forward to being on the other side of healing and having only the memory of what had happened.

My friend brought me over a bag of Shakology and some almond milk. My blood levels are low and I am anemic. I am on iron supplement and I need a way to get protein in me when I can’t really eat much. I am excited to try it out. I hope it tastes great too. I have always wanted to try almond milk too. Shakology has everything your body needs to be healthy and heal and lots of people use it to loose weight and get healthy. Here is to hoping it gives my body the boost it needs to heal and recover………….

Post-Op Day 6…

I woke very early to the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. I now have a new number 10 score for pain. Low and deep in the left lower abdomen. Felt hot and sharp as if I were being gutted that very moment. Tears flew out of my eyes uncontrollably. I found myself begging god to ease the pain. I spent a solid 20 minutes like this, which felt like an entire day. I had been getting worse every day instead of better. Everything I read said how you MUST take your pain medications on schedule and you MUST rest.

For the first four days after surgery all I really did was sleep, by the time I woke between sleeping spells to take medication, I walked around too much or I would grab up my iPad and things I needed and took them outside with me. No joke when they say DO NOT LIFT ANYTHING!

I did not want to ever feel that amount of fresh and horrific pain again in my life, so I sat down and made a plan. I set up alarms to go off every 4 hours for me to take my pain meds. To start it all off, I wrapped my belly snug in the binder I received at the hospital and I took my morning medications plus a double dose of pain medication and some ibuprofen with Baclofen and Ativan. In one hour I was unable to stay awake any longer, so I climbed slowly back in bed. I slept about 2 1/2 hours. I slowly got up and went to the bathroom, as I have to pee every time I wake. Peeing hurts. All I can say is relax as much as possible and lean forward and it tends to come out easier. I then spent the half hour until my next dose of meds checking my email, sitting and movements to a minimum. Then the alarm went off to take my meds, which I did and in under an hour, I was ready to go back to sleep. I did this the entire day and by mid afternoon I was feeling better with less unbearable pain. My friend stopped by, but I was only able to make it one hour awake so it was a short visit.

You have to sleep in order for your body to heal. When I had my gallbladder out it was such a breeze and I never even felt super tired, but it guess there is way more anesthesia used for a hysterectomy and way more areas to heal. I have set an alarm to go off at 3am so I can take a dose of pain meds in the night and go use the bathroom on schedule instead of waiting to be woke up by the horrid pain. I am going to stick to this plan this entire week. I have already seen a reduction in the intensity of the pain so that’s a huge plus. I figure after a couple of days I will get in front of the pain and things will begin to turn around.

They did not tell me anything at the hospital. Everything I did know, was from all the reading I did prior to my surgery. The web site called “HysterSisters.com” is fabulous! I don’t care how you feel, stay in bed and only get up to use the bathroom the first two weeks! You will save yourself from pain that is by far the worst pain known to man. Fortunately, I have been sleeping easily. It is a good thing I can sleep, because I am unable to sit propped up in bed to watch TV, it causes a boat load of pain.

I will keep you updated on all of this. No new pictures tonight, because it looks exactly the same. I did discover that the entire front of my coochy is also black and purple and swollen. Every time I stand up I feel like I am tearing open my stomach.

I am ready for bed, meds taken, teeth brushed, face washed. Now I need to change my nightgown and put the binder back on in hopes it will help with the middle of the night bathroom usage. I had been taking it off every night and putting it back on in the morning. I still have not had a BM, so I will most likely be doing a fleet enema tomorrow sometime………….

Repeating Mistakes & Learning From Them…

“Instead of fighting your unexplained bad moods, pay special
attention to them. They are a clear sign that you’ve lost your North Star,
and that your essential self is trying to tell you where to find it.”

~Finding Your Own North Star, Martha Beck~

I thought that I would be with a more perfect man after my 2nd divorce, because I made a list of what the next man had to have. He had to be kind to me and not be an alcoholic. He needed to be able to communicate with me so we could talk about things. When my next husband came into my life I addressed all points on the list. He seemed to fit most of these points and the few he didn’t, he was willing to try and put forth the effort to correct. Looking back now, I knew better!

We cannot change anyone other than our selves. I put in all kinds of work on getting him to be more communicative, when in reality, no matter what you do the person will always end up being who they were to begin with.

When you find yourself with a different person, but the same things are occurring, you know you did not learn from those things with the last person. We repeat things until we learn from them. I found myself complaining about the exact same stuff and then I realized that I never learned from my past relationships. If you do not learn from things, you can be with a million different people, yet find yourself having to deal with the same situations.

I for one want to put this to an end. I am determined to learn from it all now. I am not willing to keep repeating these things. The answer is not to run away, but rather to dig deep with in myself and change the parts of me that have remained the same. How I react to things and how I let them consume me.

Everything needs to come from Love. Every choice must be from Love and nothing else. I love you, but I am going to let you go. I know I cannot control you and I must accept you for who you are or remove myself from that relationship. We do not have to like what others do, but we also do not have to allow what they do to negatively affect us. Everything is a choice. How we perceive it is going to decide the way we feel. We need to celebrate all things in love and not allow situations to come from fear or negativity. There is either love or everything else.

My greatest hurdle has been to not control another person. I always see the good in them and then I find myself working on ways to make them better. We cannot make anyone anything they do not want to be. That is a huge waste of time, energy and love. We can choose to love them and accept them as they are or we can choose to move on without them in our lives. How we think is key in how we will be able to deal with things. Seeing a relationship as a great experience in love instead of all the faults and negative things that happened, is vital to coming through it with a positive mind and closure.

So, when you realize that your in the same situations over and over again, take note and choose to come from a place of love instead of anger, resentment or negativity………….

The Light Within…

We all have a beautiful shinning light within ourselves. Some call it the soul and others may call it their God connection. Whatever you call it, we all do have it. We are all created from the same source of life, light and beauty. No matter what color your skin is or where you live, we all have the light within!

A very old friend of mine, that taught me way back in my early teen years about spirituality and the light, just called me today. I am so grateful for his phone call, as he reminded me of my light within and how we create our own lives by the things we speak out loud. I am a firm believer in this and I am surprised that I forgot all about my light. I was able to get control of seriously debilitating Panic Attacks by meditating and using a trigger word, mine is RELAX, which took some time and daily practice, but was how I stopped being a slave to those Panic Attacks. To this day I use the trigger word to calm me down and relax me. The answer has always been right before my eyes. The answer to the enormous amount of Pain I have been suffering with….. I know what I need to do, In order to get a handle on this pain. First of all, I HAVE to STOP saying that I am in pain. Voicing it only makes it more real. Secondly, instead of saying that I am in Pain, I NEED to say a positive Affirmation. Something like, I refuse to allow this pain to be a part of me! I am strong and resilient! I only allow positive light within my being! From past experiences I know that positive words spoken out loud do create a much more loving environment and help create a positive life. When you hear the thoughts in your mind that are negative, it’s ok, just acknowledge the thought and then say out loud something positive, like the opposite of the thought. It takes 21 days to form a habit, so the first three weeks of doing this will seem difficult, because it is something new and not what your used to doing. When you do this every single day, no matter how you feel, you will form a new positive habit. Before you know it, you will see life in a more positive light and all the negative things that have trapped you in depression or pain or whatever you are having to deal with, will ease away. Just like when I began the journey to place a trigger word within while in deep relaxation. I had to force myself to do this every day, at first. I scheduled it and no matter how I felt, I did it! After a few weeks I found myself looking forward to my daily sessions of relaxation and in two months I found my entire body felt so much better, instead of sick all of the time. This can work for the pain as well. You can use a word or a symbol or an affirmation, anything you want. Be sure to keep it the same things every time. Even if you only can find ten minutes for this a day, do it! Take deep slow breathes in and out. Just those breathes alone will relax your body quickly. If you are new to this, then focus on your toes by tightening them up as you breathe in and relaxing them as you breathe out. Work your way up through your entire body. When you reach the top of your head, your body will be very relaxed. In that relaxed moment focus on your word, symbol or affirmation for as long as you can. Then slowly wiggle your toes and hands and gently get up and stretch. This is all it will take, but you have to commit yourself to it every day. I am beginning my journey today by using a symbol while I am deeply relaxed and focusing on thoughts of love, healing, light and happiness!

We can only control ourselves and only we can make a difference in hour bodies and mind. I feel so much hope inside of me right now, because I know first hand that this works. Way back in 1995 when I began this journey for panic attacks, I found it was much easier to listen to a guided meditation, until I saw how to relax my body by myself. There are all kinds of APPs out there for free that can guide you and help you find peaceful relaxation…