My Other Half……

I have spent the last 2 years, being single, I chose over a year ago to not even date or socialize at all with the opposite sex.  I just did me and found my own rhythm, though occasionally I would think how it would be nice to have a good man in my life, I was certain that would never happen and even wondered if there were any good men left in this world. I hadn’t really smiled or even laughed much in the last year.  Being just me and alone, there wasn’t anyone to cause laughter within me.  Except for when I got goofy and made myself laugh… 

Right at the new year, a guy I dated way back in high school, added me on Facebook.  I showed up as some one he might know and he was flooded with memories of us.  He messaged me and we were talking about high school and all we remembered.  Now, if I had not known him and remembered him, I would never have accepted his request, let alone talk to him.  We found out that we have EVERYTHING in common and we are both very loving, caring people with big hearts.  He also chose to just be alone and figured it was for the rest of his life.  As each day passed, we found out more and more of how much we were the same!  Now, we talk every single morning as soon as he gets home from work, which is third shift.  We both are excited for our time together and look forward to it.  

I never thought it was possible to have or even find a Soul Mate, but he sure has changed my mind on that!  He lives all the way up in Wisconsin and I am in Georgia.  He said he wanted to come see me, but that it would be very hard to get time off of work, that they always denied his requests.  Well, he put in for a week off and he got it!  He will be here in the beginning of March!!!  If things go as well as we think they will, he is going to move down here to be with me!  He literally wants to take full care of me, in EVERY way!  With all my issues and problems!  We both feel like we finally found our other half that had been missing our entire lives!  Wow…. Unbelievable!  I feel so very blessed and I am so grateful that I did not end my life all those times I wanted too…

I have always believed everything happens for a reason.  How amazing to have something wonderful happen to me instead of horrible.  Life changes in a blink of an eye, as we all know too well.  NEVER EVER GIVE UP!  Good things do come to those who wait!  Also, all those people were right… All the times I was told how I needed to stay single and spend at least a year with just myself and come to a place where I was fine with being just me.  When you stop thinking about things, or worrying about them, they are able to blossom!  Just like when someone gets pregnant after difficulty, they stop even thinking about it, then it happens for them…

SMILE, it really does bring joy…

I have struggled a lot recently with way too much pain and feeling down.  One thing is for sure, just the simple act of forcing a smile on your face does uplift you!  That’s right, make yourself smile, even while you are feeling down or angry.  Force that smile on your face and your body releases a feel good chemical that does improve your mood.

I was feeling all kinds or anger for many reasons, then I remembered that smiling will help, so I forced a smile on my face and I held that smile there for a full minute.  I began to feel better!  Every moment I caught myself feeling down I put that smile back on my face and I felt better.  I found myself smiling for no reason at all.  This really does work!  

What do you have to loose… Nothing, except your sadness and anger.  The next time you feel down, angry or just not good, force a smile upon your face.  Hold that smile there for as long as you can and through out the day remember to smile even when you don’t feel like it.  Trust me, your body will send out that feel good chemical and you will improve your mood.  I dare you….. Just try it out!

I would love to hear from anyone who has given forth the effort to force the smile upon their face and continue to put that smile there rough the day………….

  
S M I L E . . .

Filling Your Karma Account with Positive Credits…

We all have Karma.  What we put out, is what we get back.  So, each positive thought or affirmation is like a positive credit in your Karma account.  The goal being to have more positive than negative.  Like a buffer for any negative thing that occurs.

For example, let’s say you start each day with positive affirmations.  Those affirmations are each a credit in your account.  So, we say 5 positive affirmations and we deposit five positive credits.  Through out the day when a negative thought comes in your mind, then that takes away a positive credit, but if you immediately change that negative thought into a positive one and say it out loud, you can stop the withdrawal of a positive credit.  It balances out.  If you have a bad day and cannot help the negative thoughts, you could easily go into the negative in your karma account, so you want to build up as many positive credits as possible on the days you are feeling good.  Each thought and each action that is positive, is a positive credit.  When we help others or do good/nice things for them, we feel better and we deposit much more positive credits.  The more we do this, the better we feel!

Try to make each day start with positive credits into you karma account.  Affirmations and good intentions followed up with doing nice things for others.  Make an achievable goal that you can make each day, like 10 credits per day and work towards that goal every single day.  Remember, everyone has bad days, so do not get yourself down when this happens to you.    

Being still, silent and just relaxing is a daily practice we all need to have.  Our intuition and gut tells us so many things.  Yet, you must be quiet in order to hear it.  Nothing is more important than your happiness and well being.  Make the time, if even just a few minutes a day, to give yourself that silence and connection to your own spirit………….

  

Loving Yourself…

One thing is for sure, you have to love yourself before you can ever really love someone else.  When you take the time to find yourself and develop love for yourself, then you know if you do end up in a relationship, that it is out of love and not loneliness!

That old saying is very true, take a year to find yourself after a break up.  I can tell you first hand that relationships begun without finding and loving yourself, never last!  I spent most of my life going from one relationship right to the next.  I often felt like I just could not be alone.  I have been married three times and they were all back to back.  5 years, 16 years and then 8 years.  It began at age 16 and ended at age 45.  This time, I made myself stop and find myself and I realized that I actually really enjoy my own company.  I prefer not having to deal with someone else or their bull, lol!  I love having the bed all to myself and the bathroom completely for me.  I have been just me for over a year now and it is a wonderful place to be!  This does not happen over night though.

First, you have to grieve the loss of the relationship and go through the healing process to get past the pain.  Instead of looking for someone else to fill the void, which No One can make you Happy except You, take time to really find yourself.  Who are you?  Do you even know who you are anymore?  What do you like about yourself?  Is there anything you want to change?  Now is the time to make those changes!  You can be or do anything you put your mind too.  What morals do you have?  What morals would you like to have?  Take the time to care for yourself.  Exfoliate your skin, moisturizer, do your nails, etc.  When we care for ourselves, we feel better about ourselves.  Even the simple act of applying make-up can boost my mood.  What do you find joy in doing?  What is fun for you?  I love doing all kinds of crafts.  If I see something I want, I can usually find a way to make it myself.  In doing this, I also feel accomplished.  That is a wonderful feeling.

Finding out who you really are now, pampering yourself and taking the time to work on positive thinking are all extremely important.  We did not become negative thinkers over night, so this will take practice to change.  How do you do that?  You start out small, by noticing your thoughts and when you have a negative thought you acknowledge that thought, but then replace it with a positive thought.  For instance, you find yourself thinking about the things your ex had done to hurt you.  Stop right then and remind yourself that you are a beautiful and loving being.  The things that happened hurt, but they are also learning experiences.  We can NOT control anyone other than ourselves.  Say out loud something positive, an affirmation!  “I AM Lovable” “I AM all I truly need”. It helps to have a list of positive affirmations to look at when you have negative thoughts.  With practice, you can and will change the negative into the positive.  No matter how spiritually advanced you become, you will have bad days, everyone does.  All you can do is try your best to get through that day or moment of negativity.  Distracting the mind helps a great deal when you find yourself in a bad mood or having a bad day.  This is where knowing what you enjoy to do comes into play.  For me, I clean or work on a craft.  Sometimes my chronic pain is so bad, that all I can do is lay in bed and distract my mind by watching a movie.  So do NOT get yourself down when you have a bad day, it happens to everyone.  

Love yourself and care for yourself like you would a best friend.  Become your own best friend.  You can only truly rely upon and depend on yourself.  We cannot make others do what we want or be true to their word, but we can for ourselves!  Positive self talk!  What would you say to your best friend if he/she felt as you do?  Say that to yourself!  Go places you have always wanted to go.  Eat at restaurants you have wanted to try.  You do not need someone with you to enjoy these things!  All you need is YOU!  Over time, this will get easier and you will find how much you actually do love yourself and enjoy being with just yourself.  For me, after a year, I can honestly say that I prefer to be with just ME!  Now, if someone right were to come along, I would know that if I chose to be with them, it would be out of love and not a need to be with someone and that is a relationship that can last. I am not looking though, because I am very content with just being me………….

  

Finding our Light/Love…

We all come here with the same purpose, to find our light within and help it grow.  Our light is our soul.  Light is Love and all thing positive are of Love.  Everything else is not of love and therefore negative.  Each and everyone of us is of the light.  We are born to this world that is full of all kinds of negativity.  We only learn from negative things.  So, life is filled with trials, tribulations and learning.  Children are very connected to the light.  The younger they are, the more they are connected.  Society plays a huge roll in masking their light.  We basically come here with amnesia of who we are and where we come from, with the common goal of remembering.  Children do not have the stress of bills and making ends meet and they are free to go with the flow of their light.

Every single thing we do is a choice.  When we wake up, what clothes we wear, what we eat, where we go, how we react to things, etc.   We either choose from the light/love or from the negative/not love.  

Nothing in this life can make you happy, only you have that ability.  No object or person can make this happen.  An object or person may feel like happiness temporarily, but that happiness is fleating and does not last.  We are the only ones with the power to create happiness for ourselves.  We only have control over ourselves.  We control the choices we make and cannot control what someone else chooses to do.  This is why so many rich people are not happy, because you cannot buy happiness.  You cannot buy anything that is of the light and love!  Money can make life easier, with less stress of paying bills and obtaining the basic needs of life.  We truly only do need food, clothing and shelter.

So, you focus on your very own light/love.  You grow your light until it fills you completely and then you can help others find and grow there own light.  This is why it feels so good to help someone else, because that comes from love and only love can lift us up!  

How does one do this?  Know that life here on earth is not real.  The only thing that is real is love/light.  You take time every single day, if even just ten minutes, and you breathe slowly, deeply and relax your physical body.  The more you do this, the easier it becomes to relax.  Guided meditations are very good for beginners.  They walk you through the steps of breathing and relaxing your body.  There are many out there, just find the one that seems to click for you.  

Being in the present moment… This is very important.  Even if you only find the time to do this during a meal or during a break, do it!  You focus only on what is going on right now!  Notice your breath, what do you hear?  What do you smell?  What do you taste?  What does something feel like?  Using your five senses you explore the here and now.  Not the past or the future, just what is going on right now.  When you have thoughts enter your mind of the past or the future, anything that is not right now, acknowledge them and return to the present moment!  This will happen, often, at first.  You are teaching yourself how to be in this very moment without worries or concerns of what has happened or what might happen.  Because reality is ONLY what is going on right NOW!  

The key is to train your body to relax and focus on the here and now only.  Once you do this, you can begin to find out who your really are.  Not what someone else wants you to be.  What is fun for you?  For me, I actually enjoy cleaning and doing crafts.  Learn about yourself as you would a new friend.  You are your own best friend and you are never alone!  Build a loving relationship with yourself!  This is how you find happiness.  It has always been within you!  Trust, honor and cherish yourself, as you would do with a best friend.  Choose always from your light/LOVE and you create a beautiful future for yourself and anyone around you………….
  
ME…

April 2015

I have been struggling with increased pain recently.  Living here with the negativity and daily stress does affect how I feel.  I am counting down the days to when I leave to visit family up north for five weeks.  My daughter wakes and every single day she immediately begins yelling at her son.  I have repeatedly told her that I cannot take that anymore, yet she still does it.  They all seem to think they should be rewarded for when they actually do something around here, yet I am supposed to treat them like adults, as if we are all just roommates.  I am strongly considering moving up north.  I feel so much better out of this environment, instead of feeling good until someone wakes up and starts yelling.  This feels like the life is being sucked out of me!

I have never had my own life.  I became pregnant and then married at the age of 16 and I have been married three times.  Always went from one husband right to the next one.  This time I have stopped that and I have stayed single.  I tried dating, but found all of the men to be of great disappointment.  So instead, I have been working on myself and I go to the gym three times a week.  I am ready for my own life now.  I deserve my own life.  I have raised my kids and taken care of everyone else ever since I was 16 years old.  I am now 45 years old.  

I do not want to loose my house here, in order to keep it I have to pay the mortgage, that leaves me with little money to take care of myself though.  That is what has been stopping me from just leaving.  Plus, my grandson needs a stable home.

Our minds are very powerful.  What ever you choose to do, you can master!  It is much easier to accomplish when you are in an environment of peace though.  When I took three weeks and went to my parents house, I was in peace and I saw the stress melt off my face!  I began to feel very good about myself as well.  That is the key to our own happiness, our environment!

I do believe I am going to have a difficult time coming back home from my trip up north.  Maybe that will finally be the push that makes me choose myself for once!

Pictures of me now…

   

With my daughter   

With my grandson  

  

Life Continues On…

I survived Christmas. I have to say, my grandson is really the only reason I even put up a tree. He has so many emotional issues, yet he does have spells everyday where he is kind and sweet. He tends to destroy things though. It seems to take him a very long time to learn or understand things. He is in speech therapy, but I still have trouble understanding some things he says.

My son thinks that my wanting to go to my parents for two weeks to relax is just me running away from things. I cannot seem to get him to understand that I really need the peace and quiet and I am still recovering from the surgeries and all the emotional crap I have gone through. He refuses to watch my grandson while my daughter is at work so I can go to my parents. I was just going to leave anyway, but I don’t want my daughter to end up loosing her job because of my son again.

I cannot wait to take down all the Christmas stuff and put it back up in the attic. This year never once felt like Christmas and I did not even bake cookies. I am more than ready for the New Year, because it has to be better than this one!

I have decided to stop looking for any man. They always bring disappointment. I like being just me. I only miss having a man when I am horny or wanting to cuddle…LoL! Besides, everyone I have talked to or met is the same, they lie and pretend to be what you are looking for yet they are not! They say you should take a year after a break up to be comfortable with just you and that is what I am doing. I am comfortable with just me. I don’t have to worry about what someone else is thinking or try to look my very best for them. Everything I do now is completely for me!!! I want to get out and do things and I miss having friends near me too. I do have my family that I can do things with. When I finally heal enough not to be so darn tired every day, I can get back to playing games with the kids as well.

I did pretty good yesterday. I baked the cake my daughter in law wanted for her birthday, which actually took two days to make. A red velvet cake stuffed in the middle with a cheesecake. It was heavenly to say the least! I always bake what ever they want for their birthdays. I did not have the exhaustion hit me until 6pm, which is better than the few days prior where it was hitting me by 3pm. On the days I don’t have to watch my grandson I lay down and take a nap. Which usually lasts for two hours. Then I still go to bed by 10 or 11pm.

I have a new phone number so none of the unwanted messages from my ex or others will be bothering me. I have a phone I really like too. It is like a small portable IPad. I have all the APPs on there that I use on the iPad. I need to take the time to try and recover my crashed computer. My daughter doesn’t read things and just clicks ok and always ends up causing the computer to crash. Hopefully, I will be able to fix it and not have to send it to my father again.

I am doing my very best to recite affirmations daily and I have noticed that it does help. I am trying to notice when I have negative thoughts and replace them with something positive. When all else fails, I look in the mirror and smile, that always helps. You should try it! I am hoping to put some of my homemade natural recipes on here soon for everyone. I am wishing you all a very peaceful and happy new year………….

I project love to everyone I meet
I attract loving people and relationships into my life
I know my wisdom guides me to the right decision
I am a radiant being filled with light and love
I am open to receiving love
I breathe in universal love
I radiate love to all persons, places and things
As I give love, I am instantly supplied with more
I express love freely
I compare myself only to my highest self
I trust myself
I creat my reality
I give and receive love easily and joyfully
Love radiates from me at all times
I love myself completely
I bathe in unconditional love
I express love to all those I meet
People are just waiting to love me and I allow them
I am radiating love

Pondering Things…

I have an email in my box today that says no sender, no message and no content, but the date it shows as the date it was sent is 12/31/69? I was born in August of 1969. It’s so weird and crazy…

I have lived my entire life with mental illness and bouts with major depression. It never ceases to catch me off guard how down I can find myself. Have you ever just sat quietly and tried to explore what it is you are actually feeling? I am sitting out back and it’s quiet other than the water sound from a small pond on my porch. I asked myself, “What exactly are you feeling?” It is hard to really know what it is that i am feeling. I have to really relax myself and search inside. I feel sadness, physical pain, alone, stress and exhaustion! I can hear birds chirping and vehicles going by along with the sound of water flowing in the pond. I also hear an occasional airplane and dogs bark in the distance. A gentle breeze is caressing my skin. I look around and I see the beauty in nature. The rich greens of spring time. Seeing, hearing and feeling nature are very pleasant.

I want to escape the physical pain that I am in every minute of every day. I want to disappear in nature and feel only the soft breeze on my skin. I want to no longer feel as though I am being swallowed in a dark cloud of depression. I take any moment I can find to slip into nature and separate myself from the world of pain and suffering I live in. Even when it is only seconds that I can find.

I began to think of times when I felt very happy. Then I realized why those times were also so short lived. Because I felt happy due to something I bought myself or was able to play with. At first it is new and exciting and you feel happy, but money can NOT buy happiness. Happiness is a feeling that we can create with or without money. That is why when we feel happy for a short time after we are able to buy something we want, it is so short lived.

“B” is very happy today, because he is going out to buy a truck that he wants. This is what got me to thinking about happiness and how it is quickly gone when we try to find it through money. There are so many things we need here and the money for that vehicle isn’t going to help anyone being wasted on something that is not even needed. It will just make him feel good for a few days! The car I bought years ago for my son after he passed away, “B” got rid of it. Oh, now I see where my deep darkness is stemming from. Now he is going to have what he wants and the car that represented my dead son is gone! Well, it took a while, but now I really know what is eating at me so deeply! Honestly, there are several things that have brought me to this point, but now I am finally seeing what is eating at me so deeply!

I have to really work on and try to find happiness for myself………….

How to be Happy…

I often ask myself, “How can I be Happy?” Or “What can I do to feel happy?” I have searched the internet on numerous occasions for the answers to this question. I have read dozens upon dozens of articles. Most of which are so broad that I have trouble relating them to myself.

At the following website I found the best list for how to be Happy:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/emotional-fitness/201103/10-ways-feel-better-about-yourself

1. Keep going. Don’t let life’s changes throw you off track, but remember that most extenuating circumstances are temporary. Gain more clarity by staying the course and channeling your energy in a positive direction.

2. Trust yourself. Believe in your inner resources, no matter what, and you’ll grow from the experience. I believe that the answers usually lie within and you are probably smart enough to figure out what you need to do. Give yourself a little time and have patience.

3. Be friends with life. Remember that the world is not out to get you and it does not punish you. You do that to yourself. Learning to focus on other opportunities or in another direction can give you some perspective.

4. Watch your thoughts. Your thinking will never be 100 percent positive. You must learn to dismiss the negative thoughts and stay open to other ideas that will help you move in a positive direction. Start recognizing negative thoughts and use your mind to quell them.

5. Summon the strength you have inside. Learn to access and direct your strengths to the highest good for all concerned. Believe that your strength and intelligence can help you deal with anything. Remember that you have survived worse.

6. Learn to love yourself. You do not have to be who you are today, and your life is not scripted. Changing how you feel about yourself means creating a strategy, gathering some new tools, and making yourself into the person you want to be. A good way to start is to stop doing things that hurt.

7. Don’t want too much. Desire can be a powerful motivating tool, but wanting something too much can be very painful and very expensive, so don’t live beyond your means or covet the unattainable. Seek your desire, but keep your integrity.

8. Don’t get insulted. It is wise to be dispassionate about critical comments. Human’s will always bump heads, but consider the source, and if it’s the other person’s issue, ignore it. Learn to respond instead of react, and don’t show your ire.

9. Recognize that disappointment is part of life. Even the most successful people have to deal with disappointment, but they’ve learned how to use it to get to the next level of life. The trick is to process your feelings, then take some kind of action.

10. Deal with your fears. Overcoming fear makes you stronger, and being a little scared can make you better. You want to have butterflies; you just want them flying in formation. It helps to understand and admit your fears. Then you can kick them to the curb.

Feel good about yourself, no matter what life brings. Know that each time you wake up, you have another chance to make things better. Don’t waste it.

Dealing with mental illness alone makes it very difficult to feel happy or even good on most occasions. I often have to search for things to remind myself what I do have in my life, instead of dwelling on all the bad things. I hope this list can help someone else in there own fight to discover happiness………….

Sometimes…

Sometimes…… I feel down and the depression tries to push its way in.
Sometimes….. I forget that fighting it is the worst thing I could do.
Sometimes….. I feel bored or as if I know not what to do with myself.

In these times, I often feel alone and without presence. Empty and wandering around with no intent in mind. I wonder if others feel this way at times too. Do others suddenly find themselves in emptiness? Do others find themselves trapped inside the darkness? Is this normal? Is this a curse? Are we born this way, and if so, is there any possible way to be completely ridden of it all?

I have captured moments in time of happiness. I have worked hard to achieve peace. I do reap what I put out there, but it takes time and unfortunately, it is not permanent. The work must never end in Order to keep finding the moments of peace and happiness. Why is it so eluding of me? Why must I fight through so much in order to obtain a taste of the bliss?

Endlessly I find myself back in the darkness and hoping to see the light again. I do find the light again, I always have, I just wish it would stay with me. I realize much of this is due to my brain not working in the way it was meant to. That just a change in my hormones sets me off on the dive into the abyss. Yet, oh how I wish, I could just hold on to that beautiful light………….