Panic & Anxiety, Stressing Out…

I’m have to go to court tomorrow, in my divorce my ex was made responsible for past debt, but the debt was in my name, so I am being brought to court by them trying to collect.  I am hoping all I have to do is show the judge the divorce papers and he can sign off so they can go after my ex.  But……. Having panic, Anxiety and Agoraphobia I always freak out before ANY appointment and it always starts the day prior.  So here I am, panicking about having to leave my house, having to wear the only thing I have allowed in court (which will make me hot and I get ill when I am hot) and having to be around way too many people!  To top it all off… I have to do the once a month grocery shopping on Tuesday and I have a doctors appointment on Thursday…

I just can’t seem to get myself to calm down or relax at all.  My medication for panic doesn’t seem to be doing a damn thing.  My entire body is wrenched up tight.  I can’t see right, my heart is racing and my limbs feel tingly.  I barely get any sleep the night before appointments as well.  Heck, I only slept 5 hours last night.  I want to go to bed right now, even though I won’t sleep, just to get some sort of relaxation.  Why do I have to be like this???

I am also stressing about not having an oven that works.  For some reason I am thinking about Thanksgiving, guess I won’t be able to cook this year.  Stressing about the dryer, which is on its last leg.  Everything comes up in my mind when my panic gets going.  I want to stop thinking, just be blank…

Writing tends to help.  I have already wrote 6 pages in my journal, so I am trying to write it out here too.  Back before the pain, I would pace and that would help, but now I can’t do that.  I guess I will try to sit in the bath, then just go lay in bed and listen to a guided meditation, until the pain makes me get back up again………….

Less Than 20 Hours Post-Op…

I had a Total Hysterectomy with BSO (taking both ovaries and tubes) yesterday at 8:30am, which is when the 2+ hour surgery began. I woke to intense burning pain all through my abdomen in a recovery area around 11:45 am. They gave me Duladid, but said after a couple of hours they had to stop giving it to me because my breathing slowed the six breathes a minute. Gee, thanks so much, it actually helped the pain. Now I have been left in so much pain I keep crying. They kept me in the recovery room where no one is allowed back there with me for over 7 hrs, because they couldn’t find a room! How does that happen? I was scheduled and they knew I would be here over night.

I made sure everyone here knew all about my chronic pain condition and that they would have to give me much stronger meds to touch my pain since I have been on high meds for years. I did all of that to make sure I would not be left to suffer. But I was left to SUFFER!

I ended up with a horrible panic attack in the recovery room because I was in a ton of pain and no one seemed to care and they had me trapped in there the entire day. I asked for help with the pain and nothing, I asked for my mother and that wouldn’t get her. I told them how I have panic disorder and I was in way too much pain…. Didn’t care! Not until I went Into a full blown panic attack, sobbing, calling out for my mom, screeching in horrible pain, which I am sure is why my entire belly is in tremendous pain too. You are supposed to relax and not be so upset that your sobbing and clenching your abdominal muscles and all the areas that were cut and burned, plus the vagina cuff that was sewn in to replace the cervix.

I am appalled at this hospital. So unorganized and even after I was assured before the surgery that my chart was highlighted so I would get the proper pain medication and not be left to suffer. I can stop crying as I write this!

I have sleep 15-30 minutes maximum at a time here. I am in too much pain and way to uncomfortable to find sleep. I won’t be able to find sleep at home either, because it need something that will help with this pain! I have been wishing I would of just died in there instead of all of this. You can’t heal without sleep!

I had to do a bowel prep the day before surgery and I was on an all clear liquid diet, plus I had to do an enema too. Then the entire day here yesterday of my surgery I was not ever allowed to eat. They kept thinking I was going to get sick if I ate, which I never do. So I am still sitting here in a ton of pain. No calories to help with the pain, no sleep to help me heal.

They just came in and said they are going to have a pain management doctor come in here today, so they can get my pain into better control and they are going to get me some food, wonder when that will happen. If I can pass gas today and eat a meal without being sick,I can go home tonight. I already know I can eat without getting sick and have told them this for days. Nothing like feeling like no one ever listens to you.

The entire round of stuff they gave me about thirty minutes ago has not touched this burning and cramping pain all through my gut, butt and stomach. Morphine injection, anti nausea injection and 2 lortab 7.5 tablets, which are way less then the pain medication I take normally four times a day. Maybe if I took those 2 baby tabs with my one 15mg oxycodone it would work, but they don’t give it to me. Ugh….. I need pain control, so that I can sleep, in order for me to heal.