I Just Want One Day of Peace…

When I thought today would at the least be calm, boy was I wrong! I dropped my daughter off at her job and on the way home I filled the gas tank, thanks to my parents. My son started in on me as soon as I got home. He was saying that he is not watching my grandson for less than $3/hr and how my daughter doesn’t deserve to work, but needs to be at home taking care of her kid. I told him how it saves me stress if she works by her being able to purchase the things he needs and by her not being here all the time to yell and cause drama. I begged him to leave me out of it and to talk to her himself. He refused! He then was hollering how it was my place to speak to her about it, when prior to this he wanted me to keep my nose out of it all. I decided a few days ago to stay completely out of it to save myself the added drama and stress. No matter what I do or don’t do, it is wrong! He said he was not going to stop until she was gone from this house…

Ugh… Needless to say I have had horrible pain all day where it feels like my entire pelvis is crushing me to death. Warning, some TMI info coming up…
I had a very long period and then did not bleed for ten days and now I have been heavy spotting every day since. The surgery needs to be scheduled quickly to stop this madness!

So, in a few minutes I have to get my daughter from work and tell her what my son said. Then I get to hear her complain loudly all the way home in the car, which I am sure will include cussing. Then when we get home I am willing to bet there will be a huge fight between both of them. She had told me before that if we all couldn’t figure out how to watch her son then she was taking him and going back up north. I fear for my grandson in that situation. She does not care for him enough by herself and she gets very angry and even pushed him down before. If only his father would come get him and go to his grandfathers house, then I would know he was well cared for and safe. This stress is surely going to kill me. All the while I am supposed to be calming myself and preparing for surgery. I am trying to do that and my adult kids just will not allow me the peace to accomplish it!

Honestly, I wish most of the time now, that I won’t wake up from that surgery. Actually, I say, “If I will not be pain free after this surgery, go ahead and take me back home where I can see my son and sister again!”

I wish I had a magical godmother that would come here and out her foot down and get through to these selfish adults in this house. About how they must grow up and be mature, responsible and have a heart towards their mother. Otherwise, there is the damn door, use it!

I need someone with me for the first two weeks after my surgery and definitely during my hospital stay. There are four other adults here. I wonder who, if any, will stand up and be caring toward me at that time! What I would give to be able to have the surgery at my parents place and recover there. It is peaceful and loving………….

I had a Melt Down…

I had been so tired of being ignored and left alone. Having promises made to me, but never kept. Feeling like I am unloved and unwanted!

On Sunday “B” asked me to go out to eat with him on Monday. I was excited about doing something, anything together. Then on Monday, he said we weren’t going to eat because he put a pot of beans on. I told him that was wrong when he invited me out. He had said he would take me out as soon as I got back from taking my grandson to the doctor. I got ready and put on makeup before I left. When I returned home “B” wasn’t even here. I had to message him a few times before he even responded to where he was. He was supposed to drop my son off to do a yard, but stayed with him instead. He then said it would be an hour before he came home. I had not eaten all day, waiting for us to go out. I was upset that I was being left to wait an hour, then after 30 minutes he came home and went to the bedroom saying he was going into work. WTF? He couldn’t come home to take me out like he said, but he could run home to go to work because someone called out. That’s when I lost it…..

He didn’t care what I said, so I said the D word to get his attention. Divorce… He flipped out and began punching the crap out of the wall in the shower. He has major anger issues. All he cares about is his precious truck and doing what he wants. He screamed at me for a long time. He said some really crappy things. I tried to tell him how bad I felt over all the stuff lately and how I was tired of him making promises and never doing them. I am sick of him breaking crap in my house and how would he feel if I busted the window on his precious truck like he did to the Camaro I had, which he also did everything possible to get rid of it on me even though it was sentimental to me for my dead son. I told him if we got divorced he would have to pay me alimony and if we didn’t agree he would have to sell his truck. He didn’t believe me. He better stop and think it through. The truck is in his name, but we are married and he bought it while we are married. So it is both of ours. He married me disabled and unable to work, so there is alimony. He told me all I care about is money. Funny, when he makes more than twice what I get a month and I pay the mortgage which is more than half of the bills!

I can’t keep living this way. I am sick and in so much pain. I need someone to support me and put me first in their life. Isn’t that what you do when your married? When we were first together I even went over a list of what I had to have in a relationship because I was not wasting years of my life again. He pretended to be those things for almost two years. Long enough to marry me anyway. We have been together for 8 years and married 7 years. I don’t deserve this shit, damn it! He went to take off in his truck and I said fine you do that, then I grabbed the phone and he was all worried I was going to call the cops on him or that I had a boyfriend. When I almost never even leave the house and when I do someone is with me. My ex husband accused me of that when he was cheating on me. All signs point to this and his actions say he doesn’t give a shit about me.

I don’t know what to do now. I know I can’t keep this up. I deserve far batter than this. I gave him everything…. Why can’t if find a man that will give me everything and put me first? Be supportive of me and communicate with me. Actually take care of me!

I will get through this damn month and the tests. I will have my surgery next month and I will recover. August is still my deadline for choices and decisions to be made. I feel so horrible that all I want to do is die so I no longer suffer in pain or be left alone and treated like shit. If I didn’t care it would all be so much easier for me! It feels like death is my only option anymore………….