Christmas…

This is the best Christmas I have had in many years. I am so glad i came down to my parents! My parents even did a stocking for me. I always loved that as a kid!!! Normally, I would be home all alone and sad {as I am for all holidays}. In my stocking, besides some treats, was an Atomic Lighter, Fidget Spinner, face mask and a essential oil diffuser necklace. I also received a Bluetooth Keyboard for my IPad {I am using the keyboard right now!} and a foam topper for my bed.

Yesterday we had a get-together with local family for Christmas. My sister and her son came. They gave me new slippers, neck pillow, socks, eye mask and a Diamond Painting kit. If you haven’t seen those, do a search for them, they are really cool. We had a huge feast and I ate way too much food all day long.

I have a little over another week here before I go back home. I have been very lazy here. At home I do chores every day. It is nice to not have to do anything though. My mothers cousin bought some yarn and asked me to make two sets of baby sweaters with hats, which I worked on all last week. They came out beautiful. I should of taken a picture, oh well.

My daughter messaged me early this morning and wished me a Merry Christmas followed by her declaration of how much she loves me. That was very nice! I am sure I will Herat from my son when he gets out of bed. I hope all of you have a wonderful day and the New Year is filled with only Positive things………..

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Thinking About My Chilhood…

I can remember back to age 4.  Of course, some of those memories are not good at all and some are just strange…

As a kid, I would get sick often and when I had a fever I would see colored spots, so I always knew when I had a fever.  I also felt like a hand was after me all the time.  I have memories of being out back eating at the picnic table with family and that hand trying to get me there too.  At this point, I don’t know if it was just nightmares that stuck with me or what!  

I always knew when the phone was going to ring and if the call my siblings tried to make would be busy on the other end.  I have always had some kind of a connection to spirit.  I also had a friend no one else could see, Elizabeth, she stayed with me until I was an adult.  My son that passed away told me he saw her a few weeks before he died…

I can remember watching my siblings get on the bus for school when I was 4 years old.  I would stand in the large picture window and watch them.  I am much younger than all of my siblings.  From 8 years younger to 11 years younger.  I remember playing in the laundry basket with the clothes pins watching Seaseme Street, then my mother yelling at me and choking me until I passed out.  My sister told me that my mom threw me into the picture window when I was 2 years old, but I do not remember that.  My mom has the mental issue that run in this family, though I can’t figure out where she got them from.  Her mother did not have them, but her father died before I was born…

My brother is the oldest and then I have three sisters.  All of us girls were beat.  I heard my mom say she doesn’t like girls when I was an adult.  Funny thing is, I am the only one that never held a grudge against my mom for the beatings, out of my siblings…

When I was 10 years old, we had to move from NY to Canada.  Moving as a kid sucks!  Canada was ok, I made a few friends, but we were only there for 3 months, then moved to IL.  IL is where kids were very cruel to me!  I often wonder what mylife would be like now if we had stayed in NY.  I dreaded going to school.  I would get very sick to my tummy every Sunday night!  If only I knew then what I know now…

We can’t change the past!  We also cannot be stuck in the past, that just brings negative emotions.  We have to find a way to accept what ever has occurred and move on!  One day at a time, we get through the day!  I finally have come to a place where I am able to toss out the old.  I made a memories book, then threw out all the remaining photos I had, which were a lot! My son has been gone for over 13 years now, so I made a book of him and tossed the rest.  I have always had a cabinet filled with some of his things and I will keep that until I can no longer bring it with me…

 I have been through so much in this life already.  I will be 47 on Monday and I was beat as a child, I have been raped, I have lost a child, been married three times and the last two cheated and left (I left the first after 5 yrs due to him being an alcoholic & we married too young, the next one lasted 16 yrs and the last for 7 yrs), I have been homeless, my daughter is a drug addict and has beat me (she lives on the streets & is often in jail),  my youngest is an insulin dependent diabetic plus an alcoholic and has also beat me (my son that died was the only one who was good to me), I was on my death bed and had to have a giant surgery to save my life while is was recovering my last husband left me, I struggle to make ends meet and even eat…

But, I have come to a place I never thought I would get!  I no longer have a need inside of me to be with a man!  I always felt I had to be with someone!   I have been single for two years now.  I tried dating the first year, but I just couldn’t find someone I could stand…lol!  So, I chose a year ago to just be me and not date or even look for someone else.  Guess what I found?  I LOVE being just ME!  I also found that I NEED Peace, Quiet and Calm in order to feel decent.  It truly is amazing.  I have NO desire to keep coloring my hair, so I am no longer doing that and letting my hair grow out!  No need to impress anyone and no need to attract men that just seem to want sex…lol!  I don’t even wear makeup anymore…

BTW- I HATE autocorrect…lol!

Life Continues On…

I survived Christmas. I have to say, my grandson is really the only reason I even put up a tree. He has so many emotional issues, yet he does have spells everyday where he is kind and sweet. He tends to destroy things though. It seems to take him a very long time to learn or understand things. He is in speech therapy, but I still have trouble understanding some things he says.

My son thinks that my wanting to go to my parents for two weeks to relax is just me running away from things. I cannot seem to get him to understand that I really need the peace and quiet and I am still recovering from the surgeries and all the emotional crap I have gone through. He refuses to watch my grandson while my daughter is at work so I can go to my parents. I was just going to leave anyway, but I don’t want my daughter to end up loosing her job because of my son again.

I cannot wait to take down all the Christmas stuff and put it back up in the attic. This year never once felt like Christmas and I did not even bake cookies. I am more than ready for the New Year, because it has to be better than this one!

I have decided to stop looking for any man. They always bring disappointment. I like being just me. I only miss having a man when I am horny or wanting to cuddle…LoL! Besides, everyone I have talked to or met is the same, they lie and pretend to be what you are looking for yet they are not! They say you should take a year after a break up to be comfortable with just you and that is what I am doing. I am comfortable with just me. I don’t have to worry about what someone else is thinking or try to look my very best for them. Everything I do now is completely for me!!! I want to get out and do things and I miss having friends near me too. I do have my family that I can do things with. When I finally heal enough not to be so darn tired every day, I can get back to playing games with the kids as well.

I did pretty good yesterday. I baked the cake my daughter in law wanted for her birthday, which actually took two days to make. A red velvet cake stuffed in the middle with a cheesecake. It was heavenly to say the least! I always bake what ever they want for their birthdays. I did not have the exhaustion hit me until 6pm, which is better than the few days prior where it was hitting me by 3pm. On the days I don’t have to watch my grandson I lay down and take a nap. Which usually lasts for two hours. Then I still go to bed by 10 or 11pm.

I have a new phone number so none of the unwanted messages from my ex or others will be bothering me. I have a phone I really like too. It is like a small portable IPad. I have all the APPs on there that I use on the iPad. I need to take the time to try and recover my crashed computer. My daughter doesn’t read things and just clicks ok and always ends up causing the computer to crash. Hopefully, I will be able to fix it and not have to send it to my father again.

I am doing my very best to recite affirmations daily and I have noticed that it does help. I am trying to notice when I have negative thoughts and replace them with something positive. When all else fails, I look in the mirror and smile, that always helps. You should try it! I am hoping to put some of my homemade natural recipes on here soon for everyone. I am wishing you all a very peaceful and happy new year………….

I project love to everyone I meet
I attract loving people and relationships into my life
I know my wisdom guides me to the right decision
I am a radiant being filled with light and love
I am open to receiving love
I breathe in universal love
I radiate love to all persons, places and things
As I give love, I am instantly supplied with more
I express love freely
I compare myself only to my highest self
I trust myself
I creat my reality
I give and receive love easily and joyfully
Love radiates from me at all times
I love myself completely
I bathe in unconditional love
I express love to all those I meet
People are just waiting to love me and I allow them
I am radiating love

I HAVE to make major changes…

I am slowly recovering from my surgery. Today I finally had a BM and it took exactly two weeks to have one. I feel things are all progressing along as they should. I see the doctor tomorrow and hopefully he will say that all is healing well.

I already had an issue with the huge amount of negativity in my house and how “B” never can say anything positive. Every single day he wakes up and is in a negative mood and complaining. Every comment is negative. He is very much a jerk and I have found I just can’t take being around him at all anymore. I don’t understand how anyone can be that negative and hateful.

I don’t know if leaving here or removing him is the best option. Both pose a lot of problems. Honestly, I want to just leave, but my kids are here and they can’t afford the bills on there on. I am tired of tolerating so much negativity just to make sure the bills are paid and we have a roof over our heads. If my adult kids would band together and work together one could get a job and one could watch my grandson and they could help make sure the bills are covered. When I brought up me leaving before my kids flipped out, mostly my son. That I was screwing him and where would he live. My entire life I have put up with crap from another to survive. I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t think I can do it anymore. I know I can’t do it anymore!

Messed Up Night…

The day started off ok, then my daughter started being bitchy so I ended up walking down to the neighbors house to get away from the house. When I got to the neighbors house my son was there and when I stated that I had to leave the house because of my daughter, my son got pissed off and started bitching at me about my daughter yet again. I do not need the stress, I am supposed to be calming myself down and preparing for surgery. My son basically told me that my husband is going to leave me and that he and his girlfriend were going to leave all because my daughter is in this house too. He also said he hasn’t done his chore of vacuuming and he isn’t going to do it as long as my daughter is here.

So, I went home to try to vacuum. I am able to do the hard floors no problem, but the throw rugs are very hard for me to vacuum, so my daughter did that for me. I then went and took a shower and was thinking about what my son said about my husband leaving me. When I got out of the shower I texted my husband and asked if he had said that. He didn’t respond until my forth text and then he just said he was too busy to talk right now. I was overwhelmed with that. I expected him to say no in a response. So I texted him that I would come up to the store. Then that I was now leaving and that I would be parked out back when he had a free moment. I tried to drive there and ended up with a horrible leg cramp… I had to pull over and wait for it to pass. Then I drove back home and took my medications and texted him that I was home and couldn’t make it, he said he would call me and he did. He admitted to saying that he was going to leave because he is so fed up with things here and that he is miserable. He says he hates my daughter, but can never say why he hates her.

I began to cry and shut down. I wanted to just die right now. I actually repeatedly begged god to take me back home right now! Then, my son came out and started bitching at me again, for two solid hours until he threw the house phone. I then picked up the pieces of the phone and put it back together and made sure it worked. I placed it on the base to charge and I went to my room and shut the door and locked it. I went to use the bathroom and my daughter was knocking on the door. She said my son stole her pack of cigarettes. Here we go again. I told her to go see if mine were still outside and she could have one of them. Then My son came into my bathroom where I was sitting on the toilet and started bitching at me again. Now my daughter comes in saying she wants to talk to me. I told her to wait until my son was done, but the two of them started arguing and my son shoved her and then she tried to shove herself into my bathroom passed him, where he shoved her head into the door jam and then she fell on the floor in my bathroom. My son then took his drink of coke and liquor and threw it all over my daughter, me, my dog and my entire bathroom. My daughter then called the cops..

Three cops showed up, they made my son sit down, took my daughters statement and then my sons and then asked me what I saw. Then they told my son to leave for the night. A report was filed. My daughter is sitting her as I type this and just going on and on about how she wants her cigarettes that he took and I won’t do anything about it. What am I supposed to do. I could make her pay him the money he was owed, I couldn’t make him keep watching my grandson and so on…. I’m done with this crap though!

Either I go back home to be with god or I throw everyone out of this house and then I loose it because I won’t be able to pay the utilities. Maybe I will be so stressed out I will die while I am on the operating table. I am just trying to make it to my surgery and through my recovery of 6-8 weeks. After that, I can just pack up and leave if need be or maybe my parents will find a way to help me pay the utility bills here and I will stay here. I have never in my life begged God to take me back home with him like I did tonight. I even imagined a rope around my neck as I sat there and cried my eyes out. How simple and painless it seemed to be to strangle yourself. Kids have died doing it with belts and neckties. I imagine you would just pass out and die. Restricted blood flow, pass out, blood flow stays restricted and then you are dead.

I have to go clean my bathroom now, all the soda and liquor all over it. I have to get up early to go to my pain doctor in the morning. My husband won’t respond to any of my texts. Tomorrow I will get a DNR drawn up and I will request to change the paperwork where I allowed a blood transfusion if I needed one, to not allowing one. If I go, let me stay gone………….

Wham… Destruction, Chaos & Depression…

I had two days where everything and everyone was calm. I even was able to get some cleaning done. It is amazing how stress and the people around you can deeply affect your pain levels and mood.

Yesterday, my daughter received her final check from work. She decided not to pay my son for the babysitting he did that week. Even though I told her it was wrong to do that! My son spent the entire day and night bitching at me and telling me I had better do something about it or he was going to have fits of rage and destroy things. He then took anything his girlfriend bought for the house and put it in his bedroom, which included the fabric softener I have her buy since I pay for the stuff and make the laundry detergent. I told him not to do the crap to me and make my life even more of a hell or take it out on my grandson. He said they would not be taking him to his therapy appointments anymore. Hours upon hours of him going at me and telling me I better kick my daughter and grandson out of this house or I would have hell to pay. Of course, my pain levels went through the roof. I cried and I told my daughter she had better find a way to fix this mess she created. She feels like she did no wrong since he refused to watch her son and she had to quit working. They are both way too immature!

Instead of being glad they actually have a mother and roof over their head, they are making my life a living hell. My son even told me that I was going to loose everyone if I allowed my daughter to stay here. Wow! Last night I decided I was no longer going to struggle and fight to stay alive. Not in this hell I live in. I just can’t do it anymore. My pain levels are beyond help when I have to deal with them and their petty crap. I am going to give it all until Wednesday and see if he does all the crappy things he has threatened, then I will decide if I need to dig really deep down inside for the strength to get me out of this hell I live in. I had thought things were finally settling down and I might actually get to live and survive this life.

I finally heard from the hospital about my hysterectomy surgery. They said it would be after next Tuesday before they could call me with my surgery date. That the doctor was out until then and he had to look at their OR schedule and his schedule and see when he could fit me in. Geeze, now if wonder how long it will be before I finally get the surgery. I have felt hungry all the time and been eating way too much, I have gained almost ten pounds in this last month. Not good. Depression, stress, worry and pain are just sucking the life right out of me! My family actually could help me through all of this and help me have less pain if they would grow up and get along and put me before their own crap. They will be very sorry one day, but it will be way too late by then. The stress of it all also has me smoking way too much.

I cannot even sit here without horrible crushing pain. I was unable to go out for breakfast this morning because of the intensity of the pain. I don’t get the offer to go out very often and it sucks that I was unable to go today! I wish I would just go to sleep and never wake up. I know when you finally give up completely, your body will die. Why I continue to hold on to even the tiniest of things is beyond me. I more than deserve some peace in my life. I do the right thing and I always care for others. I have lived through way too many tragedies in this life too. Shall I count the ways……

1. Lost my son to a car accident when he was 16 in 2003!
2. Lost my sister to cancer in 2000!
3. Survived a gang attack in 2010!
4. 2nd husband cheated and left and I lost everything I worked years for in 2006!
5. I survived being poisoned by that same husband too!
6. Deathly ill in 1984 with mono which I had again in 2006!
7. Tonsils removed in 1983, tubal in 1992 & gallbladder in 2005!
8. Had a lingering case of 5th disease back in 1994, was extremely ill for months on end!
9. 16 years of mental abuse from 2nd husband 1990-2006!
10. Given a conclusion from hubby #2 in 1991!
11. Current husband up and left me in 2009 for 5/6 weeks!
12. Years of severe panic attacks and agoraphobia where I couldn’t leave my home for six months at a time, which reoccurred every two years like clock work. 1995-2001, sporadic issues since as well.
13. Physically abused by youngest son in 2006 & 2007!
14. Severe depression, panic attacks, anxiety and borderline personality disorder for most of my life!
15. Locking my bedroom door at night for fear of my son!
16. Living with absolutely no support what so ever from my family!
17. Multiple counts of rape!
18. Molested as a child by more than one person!

I could keep going, but that’s the jest of it all I guess. The top traumas being the loss of my son and surviving the gang attack. Both of those left me with PTSD issues and deep trauma that has never healed. There is no way to get over the loss of your child. He was the one child I had that was always here for me and we were very close. I ask myself often what the hell I had done that was so horrible to deserve this life. If I could go back to around age 14, I would change it all in a heartbeat. I would never have children, the pain of loosing one and then dealing with the hell the other two have given me! I would pay attention in school and go on to college and make a career for myself that I loved. I would never have to count on anyone else. But, we cannot go back and change anything. We only have what is right now, before us. There is not much I can do with the way things are. I have to get out one way or another. Whether I physically up and leave or I go back to live with God again. There has to be an end to this nightmare. I could go live with my parents, though I will have loneliness issues there. I cannot run from my mental problems, they are always with me. I am going to be 45 this year and I cannot even remember a joyous time in my life, even as a child I was riddled with fear and panic. I feel like I am backed into a corner. It’s pretty sad when you have to leave the house you own in order to survive any further in life. I could toss everyone out, but I wouldn’t be able to pay the utility bills. I ran my own business and made very good money. I have lived both ends of the stick, rich and poor. I worked hard and had everything I ever wanted, just to have it all ripped from me in a blink of an eye………….

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Dark circles under my eyes. No make up, because it takes too much energy to apply! This is where I spend most of my life, in the bathroom, alone!

Sorting Out life…

I will never understand how my children cannot seem to put family first. Family is supposed to be there for each other and do what ever we can to help each other out. They were not raised to be so self centered. “B” cannot seem to put family first either. He grow up in a negative environment and instead of focusing on what he has now, he chooses to be hateful to those around him. I cannot change any of them. I do know I am only able to change myself…

Making huge life changing decisions are difficult. You fear if it is the right choice in the end and what will occur for making those choices. But, life here in this home is extremely negative. Everyone only seems to care about themselves and they are unable to put anyone ahead of themselves. Everything is an argument.

Now my son is having a fit about watching my grandson while my daughter works. I am so damn frustrated and stressed out. I have to try to find someone who will watch my grandson and be a good sitter and not charge more than my daughter makes. WTf?! At this rate she is just going to be unable to work. Seriously!

I want to be comfortable in my own home. I can even clean up the kitchen without my son freaking out thinking I am doing it for my daughter. I do it because no one else will! Some days I can’t even do it. I am thinking it will be best if I just go live with my parents………….