Christmas Eve Ramblings…

Due to lack of funds, I was only able to buy and send my grandson a gift this year.  I did not put up the tree or decorate this year, why bother.  It is best to try and pretend it is just another regular day.  My son and his girlfriend said they could not afford to buy gifts at all this year.  Funny thing is, they bought gifts for the neighbors!  If anything they should of bought for the nephew, but this is just one of many things that proves to me how little I matter.  I pay the mortgage and scrape by, so they have a roof over their heads.  They still have NOT even tried to fix their car or put up any money for it.  No vehicle causes me a lot of stress!  They expect me to pay to fix the car when I sell my broke down van!  All I ask for is some damn effort on their part, but NO!  They still do NOTHING to help me out around the house…

Why am I still here, you ask… Well, I can’t find anywhere to take my animals in.  I have to have them homed before I can leave here to live with my parents.  I have tried everywhere. Even the shelter is not taking in anymore animals and I really did not want to do that to them anyway!  Maybe I am stuck here for now for a reason, who knows.  Just trying to deal with any of it, stresses me to the point of panic attacks.  I sure never thought I would be in this position back when I save each one of the animals…

I have been sick with the flu since last Saturday.  It came on suddenly, in my throat to chest area, cough, high fevers for three days and now I still cough like mad and am unable to eat much at all.  I can eat soup and toast, everything else kills my stomach.  I will have to break down and see the doctor next week if I don’t improve.   If I find a way to get there!  I haven’t been able to do the few basic chores in days.  I am going to try to vacuum from my rolling chair today.  Oh yeah, the kids wanted me to cook the turkey for Christmas, I haven’t even taken it out to thaw and I have NO plans on cooking!  Why would I?  I can’t eat and they are ungrateful shits…

My son, the alcoholic, was given a huge bottle of Rum last night from the neighbors.  Liquor always makes him violent.  Sure enough, he comes home last night, followed by his girlfriend and they get into a fight.  I hear her screaming in the bedroom and I had to stop him from hurting her.  The dogs freak out when they yell and they both shoved into my bedroom with me.  Have I mentioned how I am allergic to pet dander, which is why it so important to vacuum daily for me.  I don’t get it, no one is happy here!  His girlfriend lays around all day pissy when she is here.  Every chance she gets to go visit with the neighbors she goes.  My son goes to the other neighbors house and plays poker every night.  They are alcoholics there too, so I know it has a lot to do with free beer!  I don’t drink, I just never have had the stomach for it…

My daughter has been in jail since August.  She was now sentenced to six month in prison followed by four years probation.  She is waiting to be transferred.  The good thing is she is sober and I know she is safe, but she thinks she can just come here when she gets out.  She can’t!  She chose to burn this bridge until there was no bridge left.  My son says if she comes here, he is gonna leave.  Maybe I should let her and then I can just move to my parents then.  Ugh!  I wish someone would come here and find homes for my animals and then help me sell my stuff so I could just leave.  The one thing I will miss is the freedom and space I have here though.  But, I sure have become a hermit here…

The weather is awesome today and tomorrow.  70’s, so I can sit outside finally and air this house out.  I find myself feeling lonely, more so at this time of year, but I just can’t deal with another relationship.  All I can do is take everything one moment at a time.  Just continue to survive, until maybe one day something awesome will arrive.  I know all to well how things change in a blink of an eye.  I sure miss having little ones and a family for the holidays………….

Why Am I Even Here…

I don’t understand why I am even here anymore!  I live every moment of my life in pain.  I can barely even care for myself anymore.  My feet are numb, yet hurt so bad I don’t want to ever be on them.  I no longer have a running vehicle.  I can’t afford to buy food that is good for me and would help me feel better.  I barely survive…

I am grateful for my home!  I thank God every day for it.  Though, my mind feels under constant seize.  Sad, lost and alone.  I have chose to remain just me, as I have found I no longer am able to trust another, let alone feel love.  I have no desire to be with another man, but I do wish my best friend lived here.  To have someone to talk too…  Yet, I find myself preferring to be alone.  Having been married three times and having the last two cheat and leave me, surely has added to all of this.  I found men all seemed to just want sex, so I stopped applying make up or doing my hair.  I was always afraid to be alone.  Now I have come to a place where I do not want to be with another, something I never thought possible.  Though, it is most likely due to no longer having a uterus or ovaries, hormones…

Since 1995, I have dealt with Anxiety, Panic and at times Agoraphobia.  It took me a few years to teach myself to not notice other people, so I could go to the store without having full blown panic attacks.  I have had Depression my entire life.  Even as a small child, I recall feeling very sad and empty…

My two greatest fears were being abandoned and being in pain.  Now I live with both of those.  So, find a way to get passed your fears or you will surely live them!  Now, I wake to horrid pain and spend every waking moment in pain, wishing I would not ever wake again. Barely able to even care for myself or to do the basic chores required of a home.  I am on edge, irritable and empty.  Even noise seems to drive me mad in my mind!  I need it quiet, but my adult son lives with me and when he is home it is rarely quiet.  He will play music loudly in his room, causing my head to feel like it will surely explode.  I do not like to ever leave the house, which I only do when I have a doctors appointment and once a month to obtain groceries with the little I have.  I know eating only naturely occurring food helps with much of my issues, but I only have $150 a month to buy food and household items with.  When you eat only naturely occurring foods, you need a lot of them to sustain you…

I am constantly reminded that the rich can obtain what they need and the poor are left to suffer.  I can not see the point of letting myself suffer every moment of my life, yet I could never end my own life.  I was on my death bed in the summer of 2014, I had a huge surgery to save my life!  For what?  I keep telling myself that I am here for a reason and one day I will have the answers.  As if dealing with a great deal of pain wasn’t bad enough, I also have a depressed and lost mind.  My husband left me a month after that surgery, when I discovered messages from him to his friend stating he was seeing a girl at work.  I asked him to come home and talk, to do something to save the marriage.  He came home only to pack his things and leave, all while I was recovering from a huge surgery that saved my life…

I think of how I wasted all the years when my children were young and when I actually had a family.  I never felt happy, everything was always a great effort for me.  Constantly trying to do the right thing.  I never allowed myself to enjoy the family I had.  Consumed by worry, scared I would loose one of my children.  Only to have my oldest taken from me in a car accident when he was only 16!  A life wasted to worry, fear, stress, depression, panic and anxiety.  Then I was beaten by a gang of men who were going after my neighbor in 2010.  That was the beginning of chronic pain, that has become worse each and every year…

So, I ask this, “Why I am here?”  Surely, I do not deserve so much pain and suffering.  I spent a lifetime choosing what was right, good and just.  No one deserves to be in constant pain and to have a depressed mind with flares of Anxiety and Panic, no matter what they have done or have not done………….

Good Day, Depressed Night…

My entire day was a pretty good one. I managed to get through all the daylight hours in a decent place mentally and physically. I did not feel bored and alone during this time. It was very pleasant to experience this. However, something always has to occur to drain my positive life force from me…

I decided I was not going to sit at home and stare at the walls this evening. I was going to go down to the neighbors house for a little bit and visit with them. I am trying to emerge from my shell and out of my den. I stated I was going to be going to the neighbors how and B said he was not going. Later on when I put on my coat, he came into the room and immediately got pissed off. I followed him out to see what his problem was and he made snide remarks about me going to the neighbors house. Even though, he himself, goes down there very often and I do not say a thing to him about it. I had made the decision that I was no longer going to run after B or stay at home just because he was in a mood, so I went to the door to leave. He said something, which I can’t remember now, but my comment back to him was, that I was going to the neighbors house not to a bar. That really pissed him off. He had gone to a bar and shot pool with a friend, which I don’t have a problem with. What I had a problem with was him going after I told him how alone I was feeling. It didn’t stop him from doing what ever he wanted, so things will not be stopping me anymore. Anyway, as I walked out of the yard and into the road, I heard my gate get slammed open and hen the van start up. b tore out of the driveway like a mad man! Then he took off. So I proceeded to walk to the neighbors house. I was only there a few minutes and I was telling them about how one of my cats had peed on B’s side of the bed, when out of no where he came to the back yard and screamed at me. Saying something about if I want to leave then I can find my own ride down to my parents house and never come back. Then he left. I apologized for his behavior and went back to my house, where he refused to talk to me and acted like I had killed his dog or something. I was completely shocked by the entire chain of events.

We had been having some decent days together and I thought we were moving on. Every time that I do all that I can to remain calm and not get upset, he makes sure he gets under my skin and drains any positive light I have in me. After about a half hour he came to the room I was in and sat in the bed facing away from me. I asked if he was going to talk to me now and tell me what the hell was wrong. He didn’t say much, he never does. He basically said all the things to me, that I have been saying to him for years. I listened though and I didn’t get angry or think I was a piece of poop for what he had to say. See, when it say these things, he instantly thinks everything is his fault and that he is a piece of poop. Needless to say, we didn’t get anywhere. It’s the blame game I suppose. All I know is I have to stop chasing after him and start putting myself first.

I read that the best way to save a marriage is to act like you are already divorced. Minus the nasty words and mean talk I would imagine. What it means is this…. Live your life for you and be kind to your partner. Don’t expect that they can or will do what you want. That only causes you to feel badly. Instead, do the things you like to do and find the happiness that is inside of you. You are the only person that can make you happy anyway………….