That’s It, I Am Done…

My pain doctor said I had to get a letter from my other doctor that prescribes my anxiety medication in order to continue to get my pain meds.  The letter needs to state why I need to take the medication and that there are no other alternatives.  I am disabled with Panic Disorder and Agoraphobia, that alone should state why I need the medication.  For 22 years I have fought the panic with agoraphobia cycles.  Today, my other doctor told me that he won’t do the letter, because it will make him liable if I die.  After I explained repeatedly and cried telling him I have already been through every medication out there over the last two decades and I am on the only one that even slightly helps, he still refused.  Now my anxiety medication has been taken away and I am given antihistamines.  I already know this road.  First I will withdrawal which is horrible and then the antihistamines will make me tired and increase my major depression.  So by doing this, the doctor has now greatly increased the chance that I will end my own life…

I cannot deal with anymore crap.  I am already struggling to survive and barely able to leave my home for appointments.  My sister tells me I eat too much bad food and I will be just fine if I eat healthy.  Hey guess what, I have $200 a month to get what the household needs and feed myself.  I can’t stand long to really cook much either.  All she did was make me feel even crappier and more depressed.  I don’t know why I keep reaching out to my siblings, it is never supportive or loving.  I have three siblings still alive.  Not one of them can even comprehend what I deal with, since they have not ever gone through any of my demons.  They have never had panic or agoraphobia or depression or chronic pain, etc.  I read that people can survive even cancer when they have a good support system.  Guess what….. I don’t have a support system at all…

I am exhausted, warn out, too damn tired!  I can’t even see right from all the stress, panic, anxiety (yes, panic and anxiety are two completely different things) and crying today.  I have fought hard and long to survive, now it is time for me to rest!  I so long for eternal peace.  I mentally and physically cannot do another thing.  I feel drunk, yet I don’t drink.  That is what all of this has done to me just today.  I give up!  I shall sleep while I can, because sleep will be fleeting without my medication………….

This Life I Have Lived…

I don’t know if it is the full moon or what, but I have been flooded with memories of my life.  All sad, nothing good.  After all, all good things are short lived.  I really should of ended my life when I was a teenager like I wanted too…

I was raped twice, at age 15 and again at age 21.  My father groped me when I was 19.  My childhood involved mental and physical abuse, only to be followed by three husbands that did roughly the same things.  I have never been able to handle crowds or being around a lot of people.  I asked for mental help in my teen years, only to be told that we don’t do that sort of thing.  It is no wonder I am the mess in which I am, just looking at all I have lived through…

Why do I continue to think I might miss something if I am no longer here?  I have NO evidence of that.  Life has proven to me that there will always be pain and suffering.  Come on, I don’t even have a vehicle or a working oven.  Yes, I just thought about Thanskgiving and how I have no way to cook a turkey or any of the other things I always make…

I had a doctors appointment yesterday at 9:20am.  Yesterday was also the death anniversary of my son, 14 years now.  I arrived at the appointment at 9:15am.  After I sat in a busy waiting room (I don’t do well with that) for 25 minutes, I began to have a panic attack and I had to get out of there as fast as my pain riddled body would allow.  Yes, I left, I had too.  Even after returning to my home and taking anxiety medication, I continued for hours to have panic, anxiety and just craziness.  I couldn’t even call the doctor to explain and rescheduled until 3pm.  See, I HAVE to see my doctor, because I HAVE to see him in order to get him to write a letter stating why I need to be on anxiety meds in order for my pain doctor to continue to prescribe me pain meds.  WTF!  The pain doctor read some study stating that people on pain meds and benzodiazepines have a greater risk of death.  Just more BS for me to try to deal with.  I looked into these studies and guess what?  It was due to people being new to the meds, which I am not, and people that also drank alcohol, which I do not!  If I don’t have both of those meds, I am 10 times more likely to end my suffering.  Maybe I should write that up in a letter to the doctor.  

The BS doesn’t stop there.  My general doctor has been prescribeng my mental health meds ever since  my psychiatrist dropped me saying my insurance wasn’t paying.  It took me a year to get in with that damn psychiatrist.  I finally found a psychiatrist under my insurance and made an appointment.  They said I had to see the counselor in order to see the psychiatrist, which was fine with me.  I went for my initial intake appointment.  She wanted to see me every week, but I don’t have a damn vehicle and I have to get a ride from my daughter in law, so I set up to return the following week, but said I would have to do every two weeks after that.  Anyway, they called me the day before my return appointment and told me that my secondary insurance did not have mental health coverage activated on it and I would have to pay $40 everytime I came in. WTF…. I am disabled due to mental health related issues, how the hell do I not have that coverage!  I get the extra help from the state because my income is so freaking low!  I absolutely hate this state, it sucks beyond sucking.  So, I have to call said insurance to try to fix this problem, but I haven’t been able to do it, because my panic won’t let it happen right now.  I did email them and they sent me the contact info of whom I need to converse with in regards to this issue.  Needless to say, I cannot return to see them since I don’t have money to pay them.  Right back to square one again.  

Honestly, it just amazes me that I even get out of bed every day.  I wish I could just sleep all of the time, but my pain won’t allow that!  Oh, let’s not forget that I have to go to court on Monday.  A creditor that is owed a chunk of money is going after me for it.  In my divorce my ex was made responsible for this debt, but you have to be taken to court in order for them to even go after who is responsible.  Great fun, not!  I will have to get up hours before I have to leave.  Get just enough anxiety medication in me to be able to go there.  Wear clothes required by court that will make me entirely too hot and sick.  Survive through the appointment and get my butt back to my safe place, home!  I hate leaving my house!  Have I mentioned how hot it is here?  It feels like hell, literally.  From the 90’s through the 100’s with high humidity…

I did make Frosted Fudge Brownies last night.  I wanted them so I made it happen, then I ate too much and got ill.  Now I still have the mess in the kitchen to clean up.  My life is on a constant repeat.  After I can finally get my body moving, I clean the kitchen from a chair, then I wipe down all the surfaces in the house and I vacuum while in a chair.  This takes hours and hours.  By the time that is done, I hurt so bad I have to sit in a chair with a pile of pillows and I watch tv to try to occupy my mind until I can go to bed.  I wake in the early morning and have to get out of bed, due to the pain, then I repeat it all over again and again. Some life huh…

Look how fat I am getting…

Also, a pic of the brownies…

Another screwed up weekend…

Let me start by saying I have finally experiences true love. I found a man that brings out the good in me and one who creates feelings I have never experienced before. I don’t want anything from him, I just want to do anything to make him happy and feel good. I never thought I would experience this. It really sucks when we are not together, but I am happy and smile every day because of him.

So, Saturday night, my daughter chose to leave with her son and go to a friends house and get drunk. She called me up drunk flipping out for me to come get her. I had Bennett drive me and my BF to get her, my grandson and my van. It took forever to find that place because getting direction from a drunk is impossible. Once we finally arrived there, we had to hunt for the keys to my van. I noticed her bra and shorts were off of her and in a box she brought over there filled with things for Keith to play with. I checked the shorts and found the keys. We got in the van, Kerry was in the back with my grandson and my BF was next to me. Kerry began to flip out that she could not find her phone and that I needed to turn around and go back and get her phone. I told her, “No! That if it was there I would message her brother to bring it home, since he stayed there for a bit after I left”. She continued to flip out. She slapped me in the face while I was driving. My BF had to stop her from hitting me more. As she continued to flip out, she said horrible things to me and the next thing I knew she had my hair in her hand and pulled it back so far my head was pulled all the way back, while I was driving. Then she continued to punch me over and over in the back of my Head. I ended up having to slam on the breaks while my BF tried to get her off of me and stop her from hitting me anymore. I skid a good 30 feet and then we stopped and smoke billowed out around he van. I had an instant headache from hell. I kept telling her to stop or I was going to call the cops. She refused, so I called the cops and told them to meet me at my house as I was in route there and she was beating me while I was driving. I made it home thanks to my BF and I went in the house to wait for the cops. My daughter had her son out front with her in the freezing cold. She was so drunk she just kept going on and on about stuff to her four year old child. The cops finally arrived, two of them in separate cars. The first one got out and began to talk to me, stating he remembers being called out to my house before (though it had been a long time since). He got my info and story and then went over and talked to my daughter. Now, I was always told if my kids laid a hand on me they would be immediately arrested. I wanted my daughter arrested and detained in the hopes it would get through to her. The damn cops did what they always do, told me I can’t kick her out without an eviction which costs $75. How the hell she did not get arrested is far beyond me. This is the only place I have ever lived where they let anything happen. I told them she was not coming back in my house after she beat me in the head. She ended up going to another friends house for the night. Of course, she said horrible shit to me and kept saying how Keith was her son and she would do what she wanted.

She messaged me the next day, wanting to come home and never once realizing it was all because of her and her need to be screwed up on something. That is how it always ends up. I told her no way was she coming back here. I talked to the cop next door and he told me I had no choice but to allow her to come here because she lived here, until I spent the money and waited the time to have her removed, but I could file for a warrant on her and go to court about her beating me. Needless to say, she ended up coming home. I told her that the use of my vehicle was strictly for work and her son and would not be used for any other purpose. If she touched any alcohol or drugs she would be tossed to the damn curb! She apologized and proceeded to act like nothing happened. Story of my damn life!

Then, this morning she came barging into my room to tell me she had to go to work, but she was called to get Keith from school because he was acting out. I told her oh well, it was her son and her problem. See, she is in love with her manager who is married, but he calls her and flirts with her, etc. all she cares about it going to work and seeing him, not her son. I have slept about three hours a night since Friday night too. I am done doing for her. Who the hell beats their own mother anyway. I’m tired of my hands being tied! i want to just go live in my van and get away from here! The only thing that has kept me going this weekend was my BF. I always put my kids first and they abuse me. All I can say is….. I AM SO DONE! Today is also her birthday and she turned 26 today. I always make her a cake, but I did not do it this year. To hell with this shit. I pay the mortgage here so they all have a roof over their heads, for what? My poor grandson is destine to have a horrible life because of her. Maybe his father should get him, he would surely be better off!

I probably would of taken my own life this weekend if I did not have the love of my life here with me to support me and help me. Things have to change and the only way they will happen is if I just leave and stop paying the mortgage. I have places to go, I just always stayed because of my grandson. Obviously this is a bad environment for him due to his mother. It may hurt him to be away from his mom, but he would surely be better off. I know I will be if that day ever does arrive. All I ever wanted was to have a normal and loving family. Guess that is out of the question………….

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My BF and I on Friday at a Monster Truck Show…