That’s It, I Am Done…

My pain doctor said I had to get a letter from my other doctor that prescribes my anxiety medication in order to continue to get my pain meds.  The letter needs to state why I need to take the medication and that there are no other alternatives.  I am disabled with Panic Disorder and Agoraphobia, that alone should state why I need the medication.  For 22 years I have fought the panic with agoraphobia cycles.  Today, my other doctor told me that he won’t do the letter, because it will make him liable if I die.  After I explained repeatedly and cried telling him I have already been through every medication out there over the last two decades and I am on the only one that even slightly helps, he still refused.  Now my anxiety medication has been taken away and I am given antihistamines.  I already know this road.  First I will withdrawal which is horrible and then the antihistamines will make me tired and increase my major depression.  So by doing this, the doctor has now greatly increased the chance that I will end my own life…

I cannot deal with anymore crap.  I am already struggling to survive and barely able to leave my home for appointments.  My sister tells me I eat too much bad food and I will be just fine if I eat healthy.  Hey guess what, I have $200 a month to get what the household needs and feed myself.  I can’t stand long to really cook much either.  All she did was make me feel even crappier and more depressed.  I don’t know why I keep reaching out to my siblings, it is never supportive or loving.  I have three siblings still alive.  Not one of them can even comprehend what I deal with, since they have not ever gone through any of my demons.  They have never had panic or agoraphobia or depression or chronic pain, etc.  I read that people can survive even cancer when they have a good support system.  Guess what….. I don’t have a support system at all…

I am exhausted, warn out, too damn tired!  I can’t even see right from all the stress, panic, anxiety (yes, panic and anxiety are two completely different things) and crying today.  I have fought hard and long to survive, now it is time for me to rest!  I so long for eternal peace.  I mentally and physically cannot do another thing.  I feel drunk, yet I don’t drink.  That is what all of this has done to me just today.  I give up!  I shall sleep while I can, because sleep will be fleeting without my medication………….

Emotions Unidentifiable …

Twice a year I clean out the cabinet where all the memories of my deceased son lives.  A few things I put together in remembrance of him.  It is emotional every time I clean this cabinet out.  It has been over 12 years and I still have so much inside of me.  Numerous doctors have stated that I have not dealt with my son’s death.  I asked them all, Then how do I deal with it?  They offer up things like, except that he is gone.  I have excepted that.  Sort through your emotions, I have done this so many times.  Go through each of the stages of Grief, Ha… I have done that as well.  I have also read tons of books.  How does one get over the death of their child?

I have been full of all kinds of emotions, yet I am not sure what I am actually feeling.  I met a real nice man, but I just don’t want any kind of relationship and for some reason men always want a damn relationship with me.  I want some good friends and then see what happens.  I really need to identify these emotions and work on them.

I have been non stop busy since I returned home from seeing my family in northern Illinois.  I kicked my daughter out almost a month ago, been home about ten days and every day I am cleaning and organizing another area of the house.  To get it back to good shape.  She destroyed so much.  I still have another ten days worth of cleaning to be done.  Since I can only tackle on decent size thing or two small things a day, due to the chronic pain.  It is getting there though.  It is finally peaceful in my home!  I miss my grandson though.  He went to live with his father before I returned from my trip.  He is safe and happy there, but he has been with me since he was born!  So many emotions!

All I can do is try to keep myself busy until it is all done, then get back to going to the gym three times a week.  I have been in a pain flare the last four days as well!  The gym helps me keep loose and build muscles to support the pain areas.  I have not been in two months………….

I was in the Hospital again…

So, after two days of leaking out watery blood that was smelling horrible I called the office again, this time they told me to go to the ER. This was on Thursday. I went in to the ER and my BP was very low, blood in my urine, hemoglobin very low and high platelets. The called my doctor in and his 2nd came to the ER. I do not like this women! She did a pelvic exam, finally, she pulled out chunks of stuff and cleaned around inside and it HURT! She said there is a hole in my vaginal cuff and proceeded to say I had to of put something in there, when I did NOT! The stuff coming out of me is an infection and the hole in the cuff was letting it come out of me, which was good in a way. They made me drink contrast for two hours and then a CT scan. Scan showed also an infection abscess in my lower left abdomen, where it has hurt me since surgery. I was admitted to the hospital and started on IV antibiotics plus and oral antibiotic. My left urethra line goes right through this abscess too.

The hospital here sucks! I swear they try to kill you. They wouldn’t give me my regular pain meds so I had to have someone bring them to me. I was sick as hell and couldn’t sleep. They said they couldn’t understand how I could be walking and talking and not have a high fever. My BP remained very low the entire time in the hospital and they were giving me my blood pressure meds! Idiots! They made me sicker!

They wanted to put a drain into my abscess but the machine broke down so I had to wait until the next day. Machine was still down so I had to drink contrast for two hours again and get another CT. The abscess was still the same. I waited a couple of hours and they finally got the machine up to do the drain. They inserted a line into the abscess and it felt like they were scraping me inside. They could not get much out of the drain but hooked up the suction bulb and told me to make sure it keeps suction by opening the valve and squeezing then closing the valve. I wanted to go home and they said I could after the drain, but then they were freaking out about my blood levels being so low so I had to wait for more blood work. I would have to get a blood transfusion if it did not improve at all. My hemoglobin was 6.8 and the blood work came back with it up a little to 7.2 so they finally let me go home Saturday. I felt horrible there and I just knew if I stayed any longer they would of killed me.

I am still leaking fluid out of me and they said it would be two weeks. So two weeks of depends! Sucks! I still have blood in my urine. The horrible smell from the stuff coming out of me went away though. I take one antibiotic three times a day and another one once a day. I feel better being home and on all of my medications. I guess the infection is very bad and will take time to get better. They said I could of died easily. Why do I keep having so much crap happen to me?

The drain site is extremely tender and sore. Only about an 1″ of the abscess fluid has Come up in the drain so far since it was put in Saturday. The fluid is very thick like jelly and blood colored. I see the doctor on Wednesday and hopefully the drain will get to come out then. I need this all to heal and get better so I can get better. I can’t wait to be past it all and it will be just a memory!

If I could go back I would never have the surgery. It was supposed to help me with all the pain I am in and all it did was make shit worse and about killed me. I don’t know if the doctor screwed up and caused this or I just get to be the lucky 1% that crap happens too. Please, if you read this, send up some prayers for me to heal and get better………….

Swimming in the Dark Sea of Depression & Pain!

No matter what I do or say, I am alone. I have no one here for me. I beg and plead or give them space and nothing seems to matter. I am in desperate need of my family to be here for me now. I am alone.

“B” really doesn’t care. He said he has been thinking about leaving me (again) and he goes off for the entire day doing what ever he wants. Even though he promised to put the window in and to clean up the yard. Now he is going to the beach all day tomorrow with my son and his girlfriend. I was not even invited, though I wouldn’t be able to go anyway due to the horrible pain I am in all the damn time.

I balled my eyes out so much for so long last night that they were still swollen this morning. I have not been able to sleep much this entire week either. I went to my pain doctor appointment this morning and I couldn’t be seen because the doctor went home sick. No one called me. I endured the very painful ride all the way to the place and back home again. They said I have to call next Monday for a new appointment. I told them that it would have to be in August and they said that was fine. I am not scheduling anything in July so I can focus on healing after my surgery.

That is if I even make it to my surgery. I have never wanted God to come take me back home as much as I have since last night and all through today. My depression upon the pain, has me walking very slowly with a limp and shooting pain. I have a look on my face like I am extremely tired and miserable, because I am. I feel like a heavy blanket of darkness is wrapped around me and pressing me down to the ground. My head is thick and cloudy. My eyes are burning, red and heavy. I have times where I suddenly feel I can no longer keep my eyes open and they roll up in my head. My neck and shoulders throb and ache horribly! For some strange reason, every time I lay in bed, I itch all over my body. If I can, I will wash my sheets again tomorrow, though I just washed them three days ago. My stomach growls and cramps like I am starving even after I eat. I have been eating way too much. Who cares, I will just get fat again. No attention whether I am thin or fat so it doesn’t really matter does it. The weight loss did not help with my pain either.

I wish I liked alcohol, then I could escape these feelings for a while. I hate the way alcohol tastes and I get sick from even a small amount of it. I just want to not feel anything or care about anything! I am maxed out and I am unable to handle the level I am at now. I need relief, someway or somehow!

So, tomorrow I will be here all day and evening with just my daughter and grandson. Maybe I will find a way to get into the pool and float or walk in the water. It always helped with my pain levels before. Except, it is supposed to be storming tomorrow. Figures!

I laid down the law today. I created a list of house rules and gave everyone here a copy. I then went over it all with them and informed them that violations would be write ups and three write ups would be eviction from my house. I should of done it a long time ago, but I just got to the point where I am completely done! If I have to kick them all out, so be it! No more crap will I take! Even if I end up loosing my house down the road if everyone is gone and I can’t afford to pay the utility bills, so be it! In the rules I listed that I am to be treated with respect, they are to do their chores every day and they will act like adults, get along with no fighting. There were ten rules. I am giving them a warning when they are about to break a rule for a few days to get them used to it, then it is all on them.

I need to get out of this funk and get this house cleaned before I am laid up for two months, but it doesn’t seem like it will happen. I have been dragged down so many times for so long, I fear that I am actually stuck here this time. Maybe I can get myself to bake something tomorrow, that usually helps with my mood when it is so low. All I can do is see what tomorrow has in store for me. The good news is, most of the people here will be gone all day, so much less crap to deal with. There isn’t jack to eat around here and I have been looking repeatedly for things to eat. There is stuff like candy and bread, the things not good for you at all. I have been eating it too, since it constantly feel like I am starving. I had popcorn for dinner tonight. I am off to bed and I am praying for a long, deep sleep………….


I have decided to track my pain levels, medication taken and the times through out the day today. My pain levels are through the roof, so I doubt I will be able to be out of bed much.

I am prescribed a muscle relaxer and Ativan three times a day that I usually just take one per day, but I will be taking them both three times today to see if it helps with my pain levels at all. These meds tend to make me feel loopy and tired, but sleep is a break from the pain so I will take it right now. I don’t like feeling high or loopy so I tend to only take what I have to. Right now I need way more than what I am taking.

It hurts just to be alive! I figured I need to try everything I have available to me and hopefully I will find some magical combination that works at least a little bit. I am constantly feeling like my bones are being broken and crushed in my lower left side of my back, hip, butt, tailbone, abdomen and leg on down to my toes. My morning dose of meds doesn’t seem to touch this pain at all.

I have told myself that I just need to go with the flow today. Allow myself to sleep when ever possible and to be in the position of the least amount of pain. There is no position that is pain free. I am grateful to have the sleeping medications that I have, because they help me sleep at night. I could just imagine where my mind would be right now if I was unable to sleep at all. They knock me right out, thank GOD!

It is so difficult to find things to be grateful for or positive about when you are in so much pain. My mental state is erratic and extremely irritable. I have to keep reminding myself that others don’t really understand what I am going through, because the do not feel this pain. I just tell them all that I am in a lot of pain and I am very irritable and I am sorry if I sound nasty. The I try to stay away from everyone as much as possible.

I have also decided to schedule on my birthday this year, to look back over my life, relationships and where I am at with my pain. My birthday is in August and that will get me through all the appointments the next month and the surgery and recovery. I must make a change in my life. I will not continue to live in so much negativity and continue to be in a relationship that feels like I am just room mates. So I have made some decisions on when I need to evaluate and I am tracking my pain and medications to see what works and what doesn’t. I am using the rice packs I made years ago, to keep my painful areas heated and be very still as much as possible. Any movement amplifies my pain levels.

I will post what I did today and what my results are in a post tomorrow. Something has got to give. I wish I had a hot tub or a deep bath tub so I could soak all the way in hot epsom salt water, but I don’t have that option. I think it is very cruel that “B” ran out and bought himself something he wanted but did not need, instead of trying to get something to help me with my pain. I would of put him first, but that is how I am. I cannot make him treat me the way I want or wish, because I have absolutely no control over another person! If only he could feel this pain for one hour. Surely, he would be screaming and thinking he was dying………….

“NO Makeup and a fake smile to cover the pain I am in”

I am in a Dark Place…

This is going to be a very dark and negative post. I have been struggling for the last week with fear and stress.

I have been overwhelmed with the fear of the unknown. Fearing I may have cancer and they finally found it. From the weight loss a year ago and my pain spreading, along with several other red flags that the doctors just seemed to ignore…. I finally had a CT scan and then an ultrasound. All the signs point to cancer, but iI won’t know for sure until Thursday. My pain levels have been extremely high.

I have begged my family that lives with me to offer up some peace, compassion and understanding while I struggle through this time. What I have received is stress, worry, aggravation and chaos, B just cannot put me first for anything. My daughter is a drunk and messed up in drugs again. I spend my days hearing her scream and yell at her four year old son. I came out from a nap and found her passed out on the couch and my grandson peeling the outside of a box off of it. My son argues with me and calls me names. Not one of them seems to be able to do anything remotely nice or considerate for me. Maybe it isn’t such a bad thing if I do have cancer. Maybe it will be my way out of this hell hole!

I received a text from B asking if I wanted a pizza or some wings. I told him yes some wings with the sauce is like and I would just eat it tomorrow. He messages me back and said he had meant to sent that text to Brian but if I wanted some wings he could get them for me. Just another example of how I will never be number one in his life. He walks around here negative and depressed, but everyone says when I am not here he is just fine.

I just give up! I’m too tired and way too stressed out to try to make life here livable. I have had to take two hour naps every afternoon and go to bed by 11pm then wake up at 10am. I am going to just go with the flow and sleep when I can until Thursday and then find out what my next step is. I do not want chemo therapy and I think it would be best if I just didn’t have it at all anyway. I refuse to be sick just to try to live a little longer. I’m getting ahead of myself here. It might not be cancer, even though I have had all the symptoms of it being cancer.

Sorry this is a depressive post. I have worked so hard and fought tooth and nail to get through the last few months. Everyone has bad times and right now I am having a horrible time of it all………….

Grieving the Loss of a child, never ends…….

Today…….. Like so many days in the last ten plus years, I have had a heavy heart, My head hung low and the sadness that encompasses you for the remainder of your life after the death of your child. The pain never goes away, it just hides more often as the years tick by. Instead of being in bed crying for days on end, like I did in the beginning after loosing my son in a car accident, I find myself with days I can think of him and smile and days, where out of no where, I desperately miss him.

So today…… I have a deep yearning for the son I have lost. What would he look like now? Would he be a father? I miss how he would always sit with me and talk to me. And of course, I have the unanswered questions of Why Me? Why did he have to leave? Two of my sisters were pregnant at the same time I was with my son that passed away. My one sister gave birth to a boy, Jason, in October of 1986, then my other sister gave birth to a girl, Gail, in November 1986 and I gave birth to my son, Keith, in December 1986. My sister still has her son Jason and when I see him on video or pictures I find myself welling up with tears and all the questions flooding my mind. My son was very close to his cousin and since my son passed I have always held Jason in a special place. But recently is when I found myself hurting so deeply when I saw Jason during a video chat with my sister. I had never responded that way while seeing him before. So, I have to ask myself, Why Now? I have no answer, only the thought that keeps coming forward….. “What would my son, Keith, look like right now?” When Keith first passed away I spent months terrified I would forget what he looked like. I never have forgotten him, not in any way, shape or form. Jason is now 27 years old and looks much different than he did back when he was 16. I assume my son would also have a much different look as well. It doesn’t matter how many years go by, when you loose a child, it is always there……..

The sadness, loss, despair and the death of a part of you. You will never be the same for the rest of your life here. The first time I laughed after my son was gone, I felt so guilty. How dare I have fun when he was no longer with me! I read a stack of books written by others who had lost a child. I discovered the feelings and thoughts I had were normal. People that I met after his death, who also lost a child, told me that the pain never goes away but life gets easier as time goes by, though you will never stop thinking about your child. For me, this June will be 11 years that he has been gone. Why is it so impossible for me to move forward in life and not break down or fall apart anymore? I know there is no time limit on grief, but when is it supposed to become easier? Even with a million other things occupying my mind, my son is still there tearing my heart out! I have been told by multiple doctors that I have not DEALT with my sons death. So how does one do that anyway? How do you deal with it then? I know he is gone and never coming back. I have gone through all of the stages of grief, more than once. Please, tell me how one deals with such a great loss? What am I supposed to be doing? THe crazy thing is, I had a few years where I didn’t break down much at all and I felt I was dealing with it well and moving on finally. Yet, here I sit, right now, crying and feeling the pain like it was yesterday.

Surely, it does not help that my two living children are alcoholics and cannot seem to grow up and be responsible. The one with a good head on his shoulders and also the one who was much like a best friend to me, was taken from me. My two living children have never sat and talked with me or shared things with me like my son Keith always had. They say the closer you are to the person that dies, the harder it is to continue on. I had a friend several years back that I had met on one of the online bereavement groups. She had lost her daughter years before I lost my son and we talked often, supported each other. When the tenth year came after her daughters death, she killed herself. She seemed to be fine and handling things so well. Now I wonder if she had gone through what I am going through now. Where you feel you are doing better and life will go one, then it hits you like a Mack truck speeding down the highway again! Oh how I wish someone had the answers for me. To be able to tell me exactly what I needed to do in order to continue down the road called life and not be suddenly beaten to near death by the grief of loosing my son all over again. I would give anything to just be able to hug my son and sit with him and talk, just one more time! I have begged for years for him to come to me in my dreams, just so I could see him. He has only been in one very short dream since he passed. I feel like, if I could just see him, even in a dream, I would feel better.

To make Life even worse, as if loosing a child isn’t bad enough to live through, I have had to suffer with severe chronic pain for over three years now. Non stop pain that gets so bad I cry and occasionally I get lighter pain moments. I say moments, because I have never had hours or days of light pain since it began. I am emotionally and physically being tortured every second of every day. I even put myself in counseling and on medication through a psychiatrist as soon as my son died, because I knew I had to have help. I am still on medication to this day. I did three solid years of DBT, group therapy and private counseling sessions, every single week! Maybe, if I didn’t have so many other things happen to me after his death, I would be in a better place right now. His death, living in a new place, husband leaves me and I lost everything, had to move back to a bad area, was attacked and beaten by over a dozen gang members going after my neighbor and then the chronic pain, all in consecutive order! I don’t know what to do anymore. Thanks for listening though……

Parenthood is such a powerful bond. The bond remains, and often grows, through and after death. It has been said that the loss of a child isn’t an event but rather a journey of survival. In describing loss, author Barbara Kingsolver said this: “You don’t think you’ll live past it and you don’t really. The person you were is gone, but the half of you that’s still alive wakes up and takes over again.”

If someone you know is suffering from the loss of a child, be there to listen. Don’t compare their loss or feel that you need to come up with answers, just listen. The support of friends and family is critical!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not all people grieve the same, even two parents grieving a loss of the same child experience loss differently. Whether a parent has lost a child not yet born or has lost a son or daughter of adult age, the grief can be paralyzing. Although there are no simple answers, parents dealing with loss are not alone. There are excellent resources available to help:

Bereaved Parents USA offers support to parents, grandparents, and siblings of those that have lost a child.

The Compassionate Friends offers support and helps families heal, as well.

Camp Sunshine Bereavement Camp is a therapeutic retreat in Maine and has bereavement group for families who have lost a child to illness.

GriefShare offers support groups and referal information.

The Wendt Center for Loss and Healing offers support to Spanish-speaking families, as well.