Finding our Light/Love…

We all come here with the same purpose, to find our light within and help it grow.  Our light is our soul.  Light is Love and all thing positive are of Love.  Everything else is not of love and therefore negative.  Each and everyone of us is of the light.  We are born to this world that is full of all kinds of negativity.  We only learn from negative things.  So, life is filled with trials, tribulations and learning.  Children are very connected to the light.  The younger they are, the more they are connected.  Society plays a huge roll in masking their light.  We basically come here with amnesia of who we are and where we come from, with the common goal of remembering.  Children do not have the stress of bills and making ends meet and they are free to go with the flow of their light.

Every single thing we do is a choice.  When we wake up, what clothes we wear, what we eat, where we go, how we react to things, etc.   We either choose from the light/love or from the negative/not love.  

Nothing in this life can make you happy, only you have that ability.  No object or person can make this happen.  An object or person may feel like happiness temporarily, but that happiness is fleating and does not last.  We are the only ones with the power to create happiness for ourselves.  We only have control over ourselves.  We control the choices we make and cannot control what someone else chooses to do.  This is why so many rich people are not happy, because you cannot buy happiness.  You cannot buy anything that is of the light and love!  Money can make life easier, with less stress of paying bills and obtaining the basic needs of life.  We truly only do need food, clothing and shelter.

So, you focus on your very own light/love.  You grow your light until it fills you completely and then you can help others find and grow there own light.  This is why it feels so good to help someone else, because that comes from love and only love can lift us up!  

How does one do this?  Know that life here on earth is not real.  The only thing that is real is love/light.  You take time every single day, if even just ten minutes, and you breathe slowly, deeply and relax your physical body.  The more you do this, the easier it becomes to relax.  Guided meditations are very good for beginners.  They walk you through the steps of breathing and relaxing your body.  There are many out there, just find the one that seems to click for you.  

Being in the present moment… This is very important.  Even if you only find the time to do this during a meal or during a break, do it!  You focus only on what is going on right now!  Notice your breath, what do you hear?  What do you smell?  What do you taste?  What does something feel like?  Using your five senses you explore the here and now.  Not the past or the future, just what is going on right now.  When you have thoughts enter your mind of the past or the future, anything that is not right now, acknowledge them and return to the present moment!  This will happen, often, at first.  You are teaching yourself how to be in this very moment without worries or concerns of what has happened or what might happen.  Because reality is ONLY what is going on right NOW!  

The key is to train your body to relax and focus on the here and now only.  Once you do this, you can begin to find out who your really are.  Not what someone else wants you to be.  What is fun for you?  For me, I actually enjoy cleaning and doing crafts.  Learn about yourself as you would a new friend.  You are your own best friend and you are never alone!  Build a loving relationship with yourself!  This is how you find happiness.  It has always been within you!  Trust, honor and cherish yourself, as you would do with a best friend.  Choose always from your light/LOVE and you create a beautiful future for yourself and anyone around you………….
  
ME…

Ready to Fly Away…

I have been seriously struggling with some major depression lately. I have spent the last few days crying for mostly Unknown reasons. I feel like there is something missing from my life and I also feel like I do not mean much at all to my damn adult kids, except for what I can do for them!

To start off, the court date for divorce is postponed. I found out I was supposed to file an “answer” and a “Poverty Packet” so I don’t have to pay the court reporter fees. My EX was pissed when the judge asked me if I will be going for alimony and I said Yes. I turn in the poverty packet tomorrow and I have to wait for that to be approved, then I can file my answer, which is where I list what I want. I know I will be awarded the alimony, I just pray they give me a garnishment of wages so I actually get the alimony. I am guessing the court date will most likely be in May or June for all of that.

Then…. My EX has announced that he is in a relationship, as of Valentines Day, to the girl he has been with this entire time. I don’t miss my ex or want him back, but I do have very hurt emotions about how I was promised to be loved and taken care of and how he swore he would never leave. Just so tired of that shit happening. I do know my emotions and hurt feelings are part of my depression and tears, but I am not sure what all the rest of it is.

And… I had a good Valentines Day. My adult kids got me candy and an edible arrangement. My BF got me a stuffed dog, card and heart full of chocolates. He was over for the weekend, after I had not seen him for three full weeks. He is great when he is here with attention and being loving. I miss the attention when he is not here, but we don’t seem to really talk about much ever. When we are apart he will text a couple of times through the day just to ask me what I am doing or to say he loves me. I like that, but also feel like it is barely anything at all for an entire day. I tend to feel like I am not very important to him.

Further more……. I have decided I am going to my parents house the end of this month for a couple of weeks. For one, I need to be able to relax and rest in order to heal. I have lumps throughout my neck that are swelled. Had a CT and was sent quickly to an ear, nose and throat doctor. He said he did not feel it was cancer, but I had to be checked again in 6 weeks with another CT and see him. I am on antibiotics until then as well. It’s been ten days so far on this round of antibiotics and no change has occurred. This worries me, because if they all don’t go back down to normal I will have to have several biopsies done in April. While at this doctors office he sprayed some stuff up my nose that smelled like grapes. After several minutes my nose became numb and he put a camera up my nose and into my throat and looked at everything. He said we have another tonsil which is not round but long and bumpy and it is locate between the nose and throat. Mine is very inflamed and looks bad. This is also where the pain is coming from too. Hmmm… So much for having a loving husband to be by my side and supportive for me. Much like the two major surgeries I had in the summer and had to be all by myself! For two years now I have lost weight for no reason, I also lost the feeling in both of my feet. I knew something was wrong then and I still know it today. I keep thinking how the only thing that causes weight loss like that is cancer. No, I don’t want that. I feel I have suffered a great deal already in this life and there is no way I deserve more suffering. I do the right thing. I care about others. I have no clue why I deserve what has already happened to me.

Now here we are… The deep, dark depression… I can see I am angry, feel alone and not important to others. I know I have plenty of reasons to feel down. But, being exhausted all the time and feeling sick constantly is really becoming a problem. I can barely get the kitchen cleaned up daily and I haven’t been able to vacuum every day, let alone anything else that needs to be done. No one here will do a damn thing either. My daughter pays for my cell phone, because I watch her son and then tonight she tells me I will have to go without the cell phone for a few days because she can’t pay it on time. This is the kind of crap they do to me. Then I guess I won’t be babysitting for a few days? She knows I won’t do that to my grandson though. I have had enough of struggling to get by on my disability and paying the mortgage here, then I am left with nothing to even by basic needs with. I could take care of myself if I just moved in with my parents. But no, I stay here because my adult kids and grandson have no where else to go. Ugh…… One day I will choose me over anyone else!

Hopefully, going to my parents will do what it usually does. I will be able to rest and heal. I will be able to explore my own mind and find out what all is bothering me very much. Here at home, I am never left alone long enough to think. Normally I would be sleeping right now, but I am stressed out feeling and can’t sleep, so I got back up out of bed and chose to write it here. I will once again do a daily journal of what I find and what I do while at my parents. My BF says it will suck about me being gone, yet I feel like it really doesn’t matter much since I went three weeks without seeing him until I drove the hour to go get him and he barely texts with a very rare phone call. This is for me! I can sit in the sun daily, maybe even have a tan when I come back home, nice! I always feel so much better after a trip there, which I have always said I would be doing twice a year from now on! The weather will be 60’s, 70’s and 80’s while I am there, perfect! Maybe my mom will buy me a bathing, suit since I don’t have one and some jeans too. I don’t have any that fit me. I just need this extra hanging skin to go away and take all the stretch marks with it………….

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“Me with a fake smile”

I am in a Dark Place…

This is going to be a very dark and negative post. I have been struggling for the last week with fear and stress.

I have been overwhelmed with the fear of the unknown. Fearing I may have cancer and they finally found it. From the weight loss a year ago and my pain spreading, along with several other red flags that the doctors just seemed to ignore…. I finally had a CT scan and then an ultrasound. All the signs point to cancer, but iI won’t know for sure until Thursday. My pain levels have been extremely high.

I have begged my family that lives with me to offer up some peace, compassion and understanding while I struggle through this time. What I have received is stress, worry, aggravation and chaos, B just cannot put me first for anything. My daughter is a drunk and messed up in drugs again. I spend my days hearing her scream and yell at her four year old son. I came out from a nap and found her passed out on the couch and my grandson peeling the outside of a box off of it. My son argues with me and calls me names. Not one of them seems to be able to do anything remotely nice or considerate for me. Maybe it isn’t such a bad thing if I do have cancer. Maybe it will be my way out of this hell hole!

I received a text from B asking if I wanted a pizza or some wings. I told him yes some wings with the sauce is like and I would just eat it tomorrow. He messages me back and said he had meant to sent that text to Brian but if I wanted some wings he could get them for me. Just another example of how I will never be number one in his life. He walks around here negative and depressed, but everyone says when I am not here he is just fine.

I just give up! I’m too tired and way too stressed out to try to make life here livable. I have had to take two hour naps every afternoon and go to bed by 11pm then wake up at 10am. I am going to just go with the flow and sleep when I can until Thursday and then find out what my next step is. I do not want chemo therapy and I think it would be best if I just didn’t have it at all anyway. I refuse to be sick just to try to live a little longer. I’m getting ahead of myself here. It might not be cancer, even though I have had all the symptoms of it being cancer.

Sorry this is a depressive post. I have worked so hard and fought tooth and nail to get through the last few months. Everyone has bad times and right now I am having a horrible time of it all………….

Day 13, Struggling with the Pain…

I am late posting today, because I have had an extremely hard time dealing with the high level of pain I am in today. I ended up going back to bed for a few hours and I am now also finding myself extremely bored.

I don’t do to well when it is too hot out and today is 86 degrees so I feel ill from that. I have jacked up pain levels and have been struggling within my own mind, trying to fight off the depression that comes with this level of pain.

Depression likes to bring all kinds of negative thoughts up in my mind. Nothing sounds good or like much fun. I am irritable and crabby beyond the point of return. I don’t want to be around myself at all. Maybe I should just go back to bed. A neighbor here is just hollering her head off outside. Mind you, in this statement I want to go next door and knock her out…lol!

I felt better after my couple of hours nap, but within an hour of being up I feel right back into the spot I felt prior to the nap. I have tried to find something to do in order to occupy my mind and I am finding that to be impossible. I hate how negative I sound and how negative my mind is being.

Everyone has bad days. Here is to hoping that I wake up tomorrow with my pain levels back down to a more tolerable place and my depression no where to be found………….

Such a Dark & Lonely Place…….

Since the events of last night, where my brother and one of my sisters decided to attack me and be so cruel that I had to delete and block them so I would not continue to be upset over the horrible things they were saying to me……… I have been in a very dark and lonely place!

I feel the need to express what I am feeling and this is the only safe place I have. I posted on Facebook, “I give up, I don’t know why I bother anymore” and from that, my siblings attacked me saying I was saying crap about them. SMH, I guess when your guilty you know it’s you, right!?! I have wasted so much time, effort and emotions just trying to get them to except me. I thought family was supposed to be there for you and support you. Surely, there are families that do that, right? Where did I get that idea from anyway? Television? I have been very scared of what is wrong with me and causing so much pain. I reached out to them and tried to keep us all connected. I never should of done that. It brought so much emotional suffering to me. No matter what they have done to me or said to me in my life, I never shut them out and I was always here wanting them to love me. Though, last night, I became so distraught that I had to unfriendly them and out them on the block list, plus removed them from my email so when they sent another painful message I would not get it in my inbox. I have been suffering in constant chronic pain for over three years and it has become very disabling. Yet, my brother says things like, “we all have pains and no one is more important than anyone else’s”. I can’t help but think that if they had to live one day with me pain, maybe they would think very differently. I am certain my brother would be bent over crying for his mommy…..

I am the youngest of five children. I have my one brother and he is the oldest, 11 years older than I am. Then I have three sisters, they are 10, 9 and 8 years older than I am. My oldest sister died from cancer in 2000. My sister that is 8 years older than me, has always been close to me and there for me, but in the recent years she has not really been there much. My sister who is 9 years older than me and my brother have always been mean to me. My brother hated me just because I was born. The two of them have said and done some pretty horrible things to me in my life. I should of cut those two ties a very long time ago instead of trying so desperately to have some sort of bond with them. It has only brought me pain and anguish!

I made the choice last night to finally cut those ties for good. I had too. It was killing me emotionally and I am already suffering too much in physical pain. Somehow, I have to find a way to be okay with this choice. I know it is the only choice I had, but I still feel so darn down and hurt over it all.

I have ALWAYS been a person that talks about what bothers me and I do not hide anything. I am what you see and there is nothing fake about me. Those two of my siblings are completely against talking about problems. I refuse to pretend to be someone I am not. Why is it that we have to come to a place, like here, just to find someone who can understand and support us? I know we can never change anyone but ourselves, but is it wrong to want desperately yo be supported by your own flesh and blood? I know I am not alone in this. I have read several blogs where others are wanting support from their family and just cannot get it. So how do we move forward and just stop trying? For me, shutting those two doors was a must for my own sanity. Now I have to work through all the emotions and pain with the hope that I can move on without them in my life. Not like they were really ever in my life anyway. Now they do not have to see or hear from me, so I can only assume that is what they always truly wanted…..