Struggling with ???’s…

Every year my pain gets worse and spreads.  The doctors say my nerves are permanently damaged and there is nothing they can do for me, other than the pain meds I currently take.  These meds do help some with the pain, but they do not stop it from getting worse or spreading.  Every single thing I do, requires great effort and uses up what energy I do have!

I have struggled my entire life with depression.  I have been on medications that make it worse and cause suicidal thoughts.  Of course, I stopped those meds!  Now I am battling a depression that just won’t ease up.  Most of it is due to the pain.  Everytime I have to stand on my feet or walk, even just to the bathroom, it is horrible!  I try so hard every single day, to occupy my mind and not let the depression suck me completely down, which wears me out quickly…

One of my nieces came for four days to visit me, from last Thursday until this Monday.  It was very nice to see her.  She is the only one, in my entire family, that has ever come here and she has been here twice!  That just adds to the depressed thoughts.  I have always been there for everyone in my family, yet they are not here for me!  

Do I really want to spend another year or years with the pain getting even worse?  I am disabled and try to survive on $810 a month and I have a mortgage.  The only food I can get is with the $107 in Foodstamps I get, for the entire month!  I am tired of trying to find things to eat, which are always not good for you.  The cheapest food is not healthy food!  I feel the best when I eat only naturally occurring foods.  I tried to grow them, but I can’t afford the additive to the ground or anything to treat the disease that keeps killing them off.  They do great half way through, then always die or are eaten by pests…

Why have I been married three times and the last two husbands had to cheat then leave me?  I never once said no to sex, yet they would tell me no…  One was for 16 years and the last one was for 8 years…  I have come to a place, either from being burned so much by men or because of the hysterectomy in 2014, that I do NOT want to even tolerate another man.  I do not try to date or find someone.  I did for a few month over a year ago, but that is when I found I just can’t trust or stand another man…

Now my gas oven no longer works and I can’t afford to fix it or get another one.  The microwave quit a while ago.  The fridge goes out occasionally right now.  My coffee maker quit working yesterday!  I have nothing to get another with…

I am only here in this house and not living with my parents, so my son has a roof over his head.  He is insulin dependent and resistant.  He can’t work, when he has tried he gets extremely ill.  I already lost my oldest son to a car accident, my daughter is a drug addict and I will loose my youngest too.  My daughter is only allowed to stop by to see me with prior approval and can only stay up to two hours, because she is strung out so bad!  I had to let my grandson, which I raised from birth to age five, go live with his father last year!  Which is far away…

So, why do I continue to stay here on earth and deal with all of this hell?  Things continue to get worse and will…  I have been through so much, I should write a book.   I know people who have killed themselves after going through one of the things I have been though.  I am told I am strong, because I am still here!  In reality, I am here, because I am to scared to die…  That is NOT strong!  So, I am questioning a lot of things now.  Why do I continue to torture myself?………….