Fighting the Darkness of Depression…

I have had a bad week, as I often do.  I can’t seem to get away from the darkness of my depression and the thoughts of ending my torment once and for all.  What actually stopped me, my son.  I thought of him finding me and the pain he would go through.  I can honestly say that it is only my son that keeps me on this earth now.  I just can’t leave him like that.  He is 23 and chances are good that he will die way before I do.  You see, he is insulin dependent diabetic and doesn’t take care of his diabetes as he should.  It takes about 15 years to kill an organ with high blood glucose.  He suddenly became diabetic at age nine when a virus attacked and killed his pancreas.  The least I could do is hold on and be here for him for the rest of his life.  He is unable to hold down a job, because his diabetes is extremely resistant to insulin and is often off the charts or so low he can barely function.

I have struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts my ENTIRE life!  As if dealing with that and chronic pain was not  enough, I now find myself struggling and stressed out, no end, on how to pay the electric bill every month.  My old van has not been running well and the battery has finally died.  How does one get things they need just to survive, when one has no money?  It is all way too much for me to deal with.  At my age, I should not be in this position, but I married three worthless men, that I spent years building their credit and their self esteem, just for them to cheat on me and leave…

I have finally come to the point in my life where I am happy to be just me, without a man!  Yet, I cannot enjoy this!  I have to worry and stress and try to find things to sell, just to survive.  We get two actual full meals a week, because we can only get the food we can purchase with the Foodstamps we are allowed.  $300 a month for the two of us and the cost of food is insane.  I try to get fruit and vegetables, anything I possibly can that is good for us.  We eat a lot of rice!  I wasn’t raised to be like this or in this position, which makes it all the more degrading!  I am disabled and cannot work, for so many reasons it is nuts.  I rarely am able to drive myself anywhere.  I have to live on $810 a month.  My mortgage is $500 each month.  The gas runs around $60 right now and the water is about $75-$80.  The electric bill, this last month, was $305!  The insurance, I am required to have on my old ass van, is $78 per month.  How am I supposed to make it?   Ugh….. I don’t know what to do anymore.  I have called everywhere for any help I can find.  Where I live, there is not help available.  I do know that I cannot keep going like this.  I have begged my family and everyone I know, but no one can help.

So, the last week I have been extremely down in the darkness of depression.  I allowed myself to rest and not push myself to do anything.  Normally, this helps me get past it, but I am still here and it is very dark!  I have reached out to a few friends, just to talk, but I have been ignored or told that what I feel is wrong.  I know that if I did end my life, those people would feel sad and say that they wished they could of helped me.  I just need someone to listen to me and maybe offer up some words of encouragement.  Yet, I cannot find it, anywhere!  God bless my mother and one sister.  They have tried as best they can to be here for me.  They are the only two that even put forth an ounce of effort for me.   My birthday is Saturday, I will be 46 years old at 1:21 am EST.  I have heard people say, after someone committed suicide, that they wished that person would of reached out to them, maybe they could of helped.  I am willing to bet they did reach out and they found that they were really all alone, as I have found.  I have been told things like, “You are too pretty to feel that way.”  Really?!?  Or, “Comeon now, you can’t do that to the people that love you!”  

A year ago I was dying and had to have a huge surgery to save my life, because a doctor screwed up horribly!  My sister talked me into suing, but I can’t even get an attorney to call me back.  It is like everything and everyone just ignores me and I don’t even exist.  Honestly, the money would help me survive the remaining years I have and I went through a nightmare that never should of happened.  What do I have to do in order to be seen or heard?  What will people say at my funeral?  Will they say I didn’t reach out to them?  Will they say that they wished they could of helped me?  I beg God on a daily basis, just to help me survive with the basic necessities.  Food, clothing and shelter.  Just to be able to comfortably pay the required bills, eat and get where I need to go.  On top of all of this, my psychiatrist in which it took me a year to finally get in with, decided to just drop me because my insurance wasn’t paying fast enough.  I have glaucoma and have had it since age 29, that doctor decided they were not taking my secondary insurance anymore and would see me if I could pay 20%.  How does one do that when they cant even buy food or cover their electric bill?  So, I am not on the drops I need and my vision is all messed up because of it!  What do I have to do just to survive?  Oh and then there is the bill collectors.  So much fun with the phone ringing daily and the Bs involving all of that too.   I know I don’t deserve this crap.  How did I get here?  How do I get out of here?………….

Another Infection…

On Monday, I could not stay awake more than one hour at a time. I became very ill Monday afternoon and evening. I had the chills, goosebumps and a fever. I was freezing even outside here and it’s hot here. I felt so very sick and weak. This went on for 3-4 hours, then it went away and I felt better before bed time.

The next morning I called my doctor to let them know and I was called back quickly and told to go to the ER because I might have an abscess. I spent six hours in the ER. They took urine, blood and did a CT scan with IV contrast. It took forever for the doctor to come in with the results. I have two small abscess’ and a acute infection. I had to get an IV push of strong antibiotics. I have been on antibiotics, so how the hell did I get the infection. I guess because of the damn catheter! It took an hour and a half to get the antibiotics in me and I felt super sick on my way back to the house. They gave me an RX for seven days of the antibiotics, so now I have to go home two days early from here, in time to get a RX called in back at my house and have it to take so I don’t miss any days. One thing after another!

So, today I now have urine leaking out around the catheter and running down my leg. My bladder has been hurting horribly and I’m so darn exhausted. So, I have to wear depends instead of underwear and I have to carry a tote bag around that holds the big bag for the catheter, because I can’t use the leg bag. I had to get something in the store so I put on my long dress and my dad drove me there. At check out I bent forward to sign my slip and I felt urine running down my leg. That is why I now have to wear depends too! I came back to the house and cried! I am so tired of the crap. Always something.

I got rid of the blood and clots and then I get super sick and have an infection, then I am leaking urine. I found that it is common when you have a catheter in for a long period of time. What else happens that is common is for your bladder and spasms to get worse. OMG, I can’t even sit still and not be in pain. I took everything I had and after an hour I finally had some relief. I am at my wits end with all of this. Maybe I should sue, lord knows I have been through hell and it all started with the hysterectomy and the doc not taking extra cautions that would of caught the hole in my ureter right then and there and he could of fixed it right there and I never would of gotten deathly ill or had to have a large incision abdominal surgery, etc… Pain and suffering alone……. I may do it. Lord knows I need the money. I just don’t know if I can deal with the stress of it. I can’t sit for too long or my tailbone hurts so bad I can’t stand it. I just need everything to calm down and for my body to heal and this to be all over with!

Another Major Surgery…

I saw my doctor again today. Over night I had a reduction in the fluid coming out of me and my belly swelled. He checked and I still had drainage and an opening so he said not to worry about it. The swelling and aching is most likely from some constipation and the fact I had to walk a lot yesterday and today at doctors office and the hospital.

I am scheduled for major surgery on August 11th. I have pre-op next week and another day I go see the anesthesiologist. I have four appointments next week. He is going in with a large incision going up my belly much like a C-section incision. He needs a lot of room to work. I have always feared having to have that done, but he is putting me one epidural for the first two days and promises I will not be left in pain and I will have anxiety meds. He is going to clean out the large hematoma, repair the hole in my ureter and stitch I a stent for while I heal for 2-3 months. He is repairing the hole in my vaginal cuff too. I cannot eat for two days after surgery so everything will be through the IV and I will have a catheter in me for 1-2 weeks. I will be in the hospital 3-4 days then get to come home and be on complete bed rest for two weeks.

The doctor is pissed at all the BS I have gone through and he reassures me that he personally is making sure I am well cared for and not in pain and treated extremely well. This will be my last surgery and it will fix everything. I just need to get through the recovery.

I had made sure my hysterectomy was done by the end of June so I would be healed by my birthday which is August 15th. But now I will be recovering until October. Oh well I guess. I would greatly appreciate all prayers that you can send my way. Thankfully, my mother is coming yo again to be with me for the first week. I have a week to get ready but I am on strict rest so I don’t even know how I am supposed to get a bag packed. I guess instruct others what to do. I asked the to all band together and get the house thoroughly cleaned for me too. I just need everything to go ok and for me to make it through the pain and healing so I can finally be on my way to recovery………….


I have had the stent in since last Friday. The stent itself doesn’t bother me much but I have had some sharp bladder pains. I see the doctor tomorrow morning.

Last night I woke every hour to chunks of the hematoma coming out of me and having to go to the bathroom and change the Depends underwear I have to wear. I also had a lot of fluid and blood coming out from midnight until noon and went through six depends that fast. I feel like I can’t mentally take any of this anymore. I have had re major crying spells feeling like I have no life and I am going to snap, which must be due to hormones.

I am 30 days post OP for a radical Hysterectomy which then I got ill and ended up hospitalized and then found out I have a hole in my vaginal cuff, a serious infection and a hole in my right ureter. Enough is enough and I need to see some improvements! I have zero life. Rest and take it easy. Bored to death and sick of this damn house. I have gotten an appetite back in the last two days though and actually had a BM two days in a row, for the first time since my surgery.

I am on two antibiotics and one of them leaves a nasty taste in my mouth all the time. I finish them on Saturday, which will be two weeks of taking them. I am sick of it all damn it!

I will ask the doctor about hormones tomorrow too. I need more than anything for the stuff flowing out of me to slow down and stop. Living in Depends underwear for women since Tuesday July 15th has gotten to me! Not getting much sleep has gotten to me! Having pain in my bladder and very low back has really gotten to me! It feels like everything crappy that can happen, always happens to me. If I could go back I would not have this surgery and just live the rest of my life in the pain.

I do everything I can to keep my mind busy. I read, email, Facebook and play two different games on my IPad. I watch TV or movies. It’s just been too long with no improvements. It’s bad enough to deal with depressed and anxiety and chronic pain every day of your life, then all of this has just been way more than I can take. I have been tortured so many times between the surgery and being left in pain until I had a full blown panic attack to the drain tube being out I my low abdomen while conscious and then the tube put in my back and then taken out and a stent put in! I’m done! Something has to give…

Every time I lay down I do a healing meditation and I focus on the three major areas. The hematoma to get out of me, the hole in my ureter to heal and the hole in my vaginal cuff to heal. None of which can heal as long as fluid is constantly flowing out of it! I am terrified of having to have another surgery too! Please, send me prayer for healing and recovery, I need them so badly………….

Messed Up Night…

The day started off ok, then my daughter started being bitchy so I ended up walking down to the neighbors house to get away from the house. When I got to the neighbors house my son was there and when I stated that I had to leave the house because of my daughter, my son got pissed off and started bitching at me about my daughter yet again. I do not need the stress, I am supposed to be calming myself down and preparing for surgery. My son basically told me that my husband is going to leave me and that he and his girlfriend were going to leave all because my daughter is in this house too. He also said he hasn’t done his chore of vacuuming and he isn’t going to do it as long as my daughter is here.

So, I went home to try to vacuum. I am able to do the hard floors no problem, but the throw rugs are very hard for me to vacuum, so my daughter did that for me. I then went and took a shower and was thinking about what my son said about my husband leaving me. When I got out of the shower I texted my husband and asked if he had said that. He didn’t respond until my forth text and then he just said he was too busy to talk right now. I was overwhelmed with that. I expected him to say no in a response. So I texted him that I would come up to the store. Then that I was now leaving and that I would be parked out back when he had a free moment. I tried to drive there and ended up with a horrible leg cramp… I had to pull over and wait for it to pass. Then I drove back home and took my medications and texted him that I was home and couldn’t make it, he said he would call me and he did. He admitted to saying that he was going to leave because he is so fed up with things here and that he is miserable. He says he hates my daughter, but can never say why he hates her.

I began to cry and shut down. I wanted to just die right now. I actually repeatedly begged god to take me back home right now! Then, my son came out and started bitching at me again, for two solid hours until he threw the house phone. I then picked up the pieces of the phone and put it back together and made sure it worked. I placed it on the base to charge and I went to my room and shut the door and locked it. I went to use the bathroom and my daughter was knocking on the door. She said my son stole her pack of cigarettes. Here we go again. I told her to go see if mine were still outside and she could have one of them. Then My son came into my bathroom where I was sitting on the toilet and started bitching at me again. Now my daughter comes in saying she wants to talk to me. I told her to wait until my son was done, but the two of them started arguing and my son shoved her and then she tried to shove herself into my bathroom passed him, where he shoved her head into the door jam and then she fell on the floor in my bathroom. My son then took his drink of coke and liquor and threw it all over my daughter, me, my dog and my entire bathroom. My daughter then called the cops..

Three cops showed up, they made my son sit down, took my daughters statement and then my sons and then asked me what I saw. Then they told my son to leave for the night. A report was filed. My daughter is sitting her as I type this and just going on and on about how she wants her cigarettes that he took and I won’t do anything about it. What am I supposed to do. I could make her pay him the money he was owed, I couldn’t make him keep watching my grandson and so on…. I’m done with this crap though!

Either I go back home to be with god or I throw everyone out of this house and then I loose it because I won’t be able to pay the utilities. Maybe I will be so stressed out I will die while I am on the operating table. I am just trying to make it to my surgery and through my recovery of 6-8 weeks. After that, I can just pack up and leave if need be or maybe my parents will find a way to help me pay the utility bills here and I will stay here. I have never in my life begged God to take me back home with him like I did tonight. I even imagined a rope around my neck as I sat there and cried my eyes out. How simple and painless it seemed to be to strangle yourself. Kids have died doing it with belts and neckties. I imagine you would just pass out and die. Restricted blood flow, pass out, blood flow stays restricted and then you are dead.

I have to go clean my bathroom now, all the soda and liquor all over it. I have to get up early to go to my pain doctor in the morning. My husband won’t respond to any of my texts. Tomorrow I will get a DNR drawn up and I will request to change the paperwork where I allowed a blood transfusion if I needed one, to not allowing one. If I go, let me stay gone………….

Tooth Extraction…

Today, I had to go to an oral surgeon and have one of my teeth extracted. Number 3 to be exact. They told me I could get gas to help me relax or even sedated so I wouldn’t feel any of it, since I had two teeth pulled in the past and it was quite traumatic for me. Then the insurance girl comes in and says my insurance won’t pay for the gas or sedation so if I want it, I have to pay $85 for the gas and well over $125 for sedation. Being that I have no money I had no choice. I cried, because I am so tired of always having to suffer because I don’t have money. It is not fair at all. I was then brought to another room where the assistant put numbing cream on my right side and then I waited there for a while…

Then the doctor came in and gave me the injections in my gums and roof of my mouth. Holy hell the one in the roof of my mouth was extremely painful. Then I was left there for a long time, in a room by myself. Where I cried some more…

Finally, they all came back in and the doctor got started on my tooth. He clamped some type of metal thing around that tooth and screwed it down tight. Then he began to tug, pull, push and yank on my tooth. I felt it break and I felt the pieces in my mouth. They sucked them up with the device that has suction…

Now he really grabbed on and was pushing, pulling and yanking and then he grabbed my jaw and it was being twisted to where it hurt horribly. I hollered, the doctor just kept saying, “Your doing good”. Then a sharp pain went into my right temple and I hollered some more. I tried hard to hold my jaw back from the pressure he was placing on it. Finally, the tooth was out.

They rinse it out and then had me bite down on a rolled up piece of gauze which they told me to keep biting down on for an hour. I went home, extremely upset. I bit down on the gauze for 50 minutes then I could no longer take the pain in my jaw and released it. The bleeding seemed to be under control. I took my usual medications and I went to bed for two hours…

When I woke I had a sharp jabbing headache in my right temple which is still there tonight. My right cheek is swelling so I have been applying ice. My gums in the area of the extraction are all swelled and hurt pretty bad. When I had two other extractions I never had any of these problems after. I am going to go to bed, even though it is very early. I hurt too much in my usual places, plus now the extraction sight. I feel very tired and extremely bitchy!

I just will never understand why people who don’t have money have to be allowed to suffer and treated so horribly compared to someone with money. I am so tired of being left in pain and being tortured my entire life. I just want to respect and care that someone with money can get. This system is completely screwed up. I used to run my own business and made well over $1,000 a week. I have lived both sides of life, rich and poor. Money doesn’t by happiness, but it makes life more comfortable and easier………….

Be sure to gently rinse your mouth with sea salt water and I add a drop of clove oil, starting the next day after a tooth extraction. This will help the healing process and keep the area clean. It also helps with the pain.

I have had two teeth extracted prior to this one and though they both were uncomfortable while being pulled, I never had pain afterward. I don’t know what this guy did but it is extremely sensitive and my cheek bone feels like it is broken.

Note to myself: do not go back to that oral surgeon ever again. (Dr. D’Arco on Walton Way Extention.)

Grieving the Loss of a child, never ends…….

Today…….. Like so many days in the last ten plus years, I have had a heavy heart, My head hung low and the sadness that encompasses you for the remainder of your life after the death of your child. The pain never goes away, it just hides more often as the years tick by. Instead of being in bed crying for days on end, like I did in the beginning after loosing my son in a car accident, I find myself with days I can think of him and smile and days, where out of no where, I desperately miss him.

So today…… I have a deep yearning for the son I have lost. What would he look like now? Would he be a father? I miss how he would always sit with me and talk to me. And of course, I have the unanswered questions of Why Me? Why did he have to leave? Two of my sisters were pregnant at the same time I was with my son that passed away. My one sister gave birth to a boy, Jason, in October of 1986, then my other sister gave birth to a girl, Gail, in November 1986 and I gave birth to my son, Keith, in December 1986. My sister still has her son Jason and when I see him on video or pictures I find myself welling up with tears and all the questions flooding my mind. My son was very close to his cousin and since my son passed I have always held Jason in a special place. But recently is when I found myself hurting so deeply when I saw Jason during a video chat with my sister. I had never responded that way while seeing him before. So, I have to ask myself, Why Now? I have no answer, only the thought that keeps coming forward….. “What would my son, Keith, look like right now?” When Keith first passed away I spent months terrified I would forget what he looked like. I never have forgotten him, not in any way, shape or form. Jason is now 27 years old and looks much different than he did back when he was 16. I assume my son would also have a much different look as well. It doesn’t matter how many years go by, when you loose a child, it is always there……..

The sadness, loss, despair and the death of a part of you. You will never be the same for the rest of your life here. The first time I laughed after my son was gone, I felt so guilty. How dare I have fun when he was no longer with me! I read a stack of books written by others who had lost a child. I discovered the feelings and thoughts I had were normal. People that I met after his death, who also lost a child, told me that the pain never goes away but life gets easier as time goes by, though you will never stop thinking about your child. For me, this June will be 11 years that he has been gone. Why is it so impossible for me to move forward in life and not break down or fall apart anymore? I know there is no time limit on grief, but when is it supposed to become easier? Even with a million other things occupying my mind, my son is still there tearing my heart out! I have been told by multiple doctors that I have not DEALT with my sons death. So how does one do that anyway? How do you deal with it then? I know he is gone and never coming back. I have gone through all of the stages of grief, more than once. Please, tell me how one deals with such a great loss? What am I supposed to be doing? THe crazy thing is, I had a few years where I didn’t break down much at all and I felt I was dealing with it well and moving on finally. Yet, here I sit, right now, crying and feeling the pain like it was yesterday.

Surely, it does not help that my two living children are alcoholics and cannot seem to grow up and be responsible. The one with a good head on his shoulders and also the one who was much like a best friend to me, was taken from me. My two living children have never sat and talked with me or shared things with me like my son Keith always had. They say the closer you are to the person that dies, the harder it is to continue on. I had a friend several years back that I had met on one of the online bereavement groups. She had lost her daughter years before I lost my son and we talked often, supported each other. When the tenth year came after her daughters death, she killed herself. She seemed to be fine and handling things so well. Now I wonder if she had gone through what I am going through now. Where you feel you are doing better and life will go one, then it hits you like a Mack truck speeding down the highway again! Oh how I wish someone had the answers for me. To be able to tell me exactly what I needed to do in order to continue down the road called life and not be suddenly beaten to near death by the grief of loosing my son all over again. I would give anything to just be able to hug my son and sit with him and talk, just one more time! I have begged for years for him to come to me in my dreams, just so I could see him. He has only been in one very short dream since he passed. I feel like, if I could just see him, even in a dream, I would feel better.

To make Life even worse, as if loosing a child isn’t bad enough to live through, I have had to suffer with severe chronic pain for over three years now. Non stop pain that gets so bad I cry and occasionally I get lighter pain moments. I say moments, because I have never had hours or days of light pain since it began. I am emotionally and physically being tortured every second of every day. I even put myself in counseling and on medication through a psychiatrist as soon as my son died, because I knew I had to have help. I am still on medication to this day. I did three solid years of DBT, group therapy and private counseling sessions, every single week! Maybe, if I didn’t have so many other things happen to me after his death, I would be in a better place right now. His death, living in a new place, husband leaves me and I lost everything, had to move back to a bad area, was attacked and beaten by over a dozen gang members going after my neighbor and then the chronic pain, all in consecutive order! I don’t know what to do anymore. Thanks for listening though……

Parenthood is such a powerful bond. The bond remains, and often grows, through and after death. It has been said that the loss of a child isn’t an event but rather a journey of survival. In describing loss, author Barbara Kingsolver said this: “You don’t think you’ll live past it and you don’t really. The person you were is gone, but the half of you that’s still alive wakes up and takes over again.”

If someone you know is suffering from the loss of a child, be there to listen. Don’t compare their loss or feel that you need to come up with answers, just listen. The support of friends and family is critical!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not all people grieve the same, even two parents grieving a loss of the same child experience loss differently. Whether a parent has lost a child not yet born or has lost a son or daughter of adult age, the grief can be paralyzing. Although there are no simple answers, parents dealing with loss are not alone. There are excellent resources available to help:

Bereaved Parents USA offers support to parents, grandparents, and siblings of those that have lost a child.

The Compassionate Friends offers support and helps families heal, as well.

Camp Sunshine Bereavement Camp is a therapeutic retreat in Maine and has bereavement group for families who have lost a child to illness.

GriefShare offers support groups and referal information.

The Wendt Center for Loss and Healing offers support to Spanish-speaking families, as well.