This Life I Have Lived…

I don’t know if it is the full moon or what, but I have been flooded with memories of my life.  All sad, nothing good.  After all, all good things are short lived.  I really should of ended my life when I was a teenager like I wanted too…

I was raped twice, at age 15 and again at age 21.  My father groped me when I was 19.  My childhood involved mental and physical abuse, only to be followed by three husbands that did roughly the same things.  I have never been able to handle crowds or being around a lot of people.  I asked for mental help in my teen years, only to be told that we don’t do that sort of thing.  It is no wonder I am the mess in which I am, just looking at all I have lived through…

Why do I continue to think I might miss something if I am no longer here?  I have NO evidence of that.  Life has proven to me that there will always be pain and suffering.  Come on, I don’t even have a vehicle or a working oven.  Yes, I just thought about Thanskgiving and how I have no way to cook a turkey or any of the other things I always make…

I had a doctors appointment yesterday at 9:20am.  Yesterday was also the death anniversary of my son, 14 years now.  I arrived at the appointment at 9:15am.  After I sat in a busy waiting room (I don’t do well with that) for 25 minutes, I began to have a panic attack and I had to get out of there as fast as my pain riddled body would allow.  Yes, I left, I had too.  Even after returning to my home and taking anxiety medication, I continued for hours to have panic, anxiety and just craziness.  I couldn’t even call the doctor to explain and rescheduled until 3pm.  See, I HAVE to see my doctor, because I HAVE to see him in order to get him to write a letter stating why I need to be on anxiety meds in order for my pain doctor to continue to prescribe me pain meds.  WTF!  The pain doctor read some study stating that people on pain meds and benzodiazepines have a greater risk of death.  Just more BS for me to try to deal with.  I looked into these studies and guess what?  It was due to people being new to the meds, which I am not, and people that also drank alcohol, which I do not!  If I don’t have both of those meds, I am 10 times more likely to end my suffering.  Maybe I should write that up in a letter to the doctor.  

The BS doesn’t stop there.  My general doctor has been prescribeng my mental health meds ever since  my psychiatrist dropped me saying my insurance wasn’t paying.  It took me a year to get in with that damn psychiatrist.  I finally found a psychiatrist under my insurance and made an appointment.  They said I had to see the counselor in order to see the psychiatrist, which was fine with me.  I went for my initial intake appointment.  She wanted to see me every week, but I don’t have a damn vehicle and I have to get a ride from my daughter in law, so I set up to return the following week, but said I would have to do every two weeks after that.  Anyway, they called me the day before my return appointment and told me that my secondary insurance did not have mental health coverage activated on it and I would have to pay $40 everytime I came in. WTF…. I am disabled due to mental health related issues, how the hell do I not have that coverage!  I get the extra help from the state because my income is so freaking low!  I absolutely hate this state, it sucks beyond sucking.  So, I have to call said insurance to try to fix this problem, but I haven’t been able to do it, because my panic won’t let it happen right now.  I did email them and they sent me the contact info of whom I need to converse with in regards to this issue.  Needless to say, I cannot return to see them since I don’t have money to pay them.  Right back to square one again.  

Honestly, it just amazes me that I even get out of bed every day.  I wish I could just sleep all of the time, but my pain won’t allow that!  Oh, let’s not forget that I have to go to court on Monday.  A creditor that is owed a chunk of money is going after me for it.  In my divorce my ex was made responsible for this debt, but you have to be taken to court in order for them to even go after who is responsible.  Great fun, not!  I will have to get up hours before I have to leave.  Get just enough anxiety medication in me to be able to go there.  Wear clothes required by court that will make me entirely too hot and sick.  Survive through the appointment and get my butt back to my safe place, home!  I hate leaving my house!  Have I mentioned how hot it is here?  It feels like hell, literally.  From the 90’s through the 100’s with high humidity…

I did make Frosted Fudge Brownies last night.  I wanted them so I made it happen, then I ate too much and got ill.  Now I still have the mess in the kitchen to clean up.  My life is on a constant repeat.  After I can finally get my body moving, I clean the kitchen from a chair, then I wipe down all the surfaces in the house and I vacuum while in a chair.  This takes hours and hours.  By the time that is done, I hurt so bad I have to sit in a chair with a pile of pillows and I watch tv to try to occupy my mind until I can go to bed.  I wake in the early morning and have to get out of bed, due to the pain, then I repeat it all over again and again. Some life huh…

Look how fat I am getting…

Also, a pic of the brownies…

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Day 7 away from the Stress…

I have fully enjoyed the complete peace and quiet here.  No reason to tense up and be on edge.  My son, however, informed me yesterday that my daughter has been making some very bad choices.  I am not sure why, when I am away from home, she does this.  So, I was pretty tense and stressed out yesterday when I found out she had grabbed my grandson and choked him.  Luckily, my son intervened and stopped it.  I am most likely going to have to have her removed again.  If she would just stop doing what ever drug she can get her hands on, I am sure she would improve greatly!  Enough of that, I am away from home so I don’t have to deal with those things…

I spent an hour doing a deep meditation yesterday.  I always want to stay in there, my entire body so relaxed and it is very peaceful.  I need to get back on track of doing a deep meditation every day.  You connect with your inner self that way.  It helps in many ways, even with your physical health.

My biggest problem when it comes to men is, expectations.  I seem to always expect them to be or do things as I would, which leaves me very disappointed.  I have been focusing on this part of me and reminding myself that no one is just like me and I cannot make someone do things just because I think they should.  Let me tell you, this is a very hard thing to over come.  Though, it is the one thing that always puts me in a sad place, so loose the expectations and I will not become greatly disappointed.

I have also found it very rare to find someone I am even slightly attracted to.  I have found a couple and they have all turned out to be liars…lol!  Recently, I found another one and I asked all the important questions, in which he responded very well too.  So, I chose to give this a go.  For me, I will only be with one man at a time.  I put all I have into it and focus only on him.  We have a lot in common, so what is the draw back?  He is a truck driver, so I will see him once a month maybe.  Now, this can be a good thing if I can stop with the expectations.  I keep busy and I have said before how great it would be to just see my guy on the weekends or every other weekend.  With him I will only see him a couple of days a month or so.  He keeps saying how it really is hard on relationships and how he has not ever found someone who can handle it.  It is all in how you perceive things and react to them.  Keeping it all positive will be key and enjoying the time we do have together.  We text every day, so that is good.  I am even willing to go on a run with him in order to spend more time together. So, I will see where this goes.  He has one son and he is 16 years old.  I want to find the one who will be my best friend and who I can enjoy my senior years with!

Back to working on myself…  

1.  Notice and catch all negative thoughts.  Do NOt say them out loud and change them to a positive thought.

2.  Say Positive Affirmations every day!

3.  Take the time to meditate, even if it is just a 20 minute deep breathing session!

4.  Do something every day to pamper yourself!

5.  Put forth effort to look at people, be in the moment and smile!



UPDATE: catheter is finally out…

On Friday I went in for a test to check my bladder, ureter and kidney. They hooked up a bottle of contrast to my catheter and it was supposed flow down into my bladder, but it would not go in. They spent over a half hour trying to get the contrast to go into my bladder and it wouldn’t. It was like something was blocking the catheter line, even though I had no problems with it prior. They ended up having to manually inject the contrast into me with a syringe into the catheter line. Which tells me something must of been in the way and the force of the syringe allowed the contrast to get past it. My bladder became full quickly and they started taking pictures with the fluoroscopy machine. I had to roll to each side and get pictures. They were checking to make sure there were no leaks or reflux. Then the fluoroscopy machine stopped working. They ended up having to restart the entire system. I was thinking, “Geeze, why is it everything that can happen seems to happen to me?” The machine got back up and working and they finished taking pictures. Everything looked great! They hooked me back up to my catheter bag and told me they could not take it out. I was pissed and asked them to call the doctor so I could get it out. Meanwhile, the contrast is not coming out of me into the catheter bag. I sat, then stood, then walked and even sat on the toilet and used force and nothing! There had to be something in there blocking it! Finally, the doctor called back and said yes, they could remove the catheter. As soon as it came out of me, I went to the toilet and peed like crazy. What a relief to finally have that out of me after 25 days!

I had feared not being able to pee or having pain, like many people posted after a catheter was in for an extended period of time, but I had no problems at all. No pain either and I no longer had the stabbing pain the catheter caused me. The only issue I have had was the first two nights I was up every single hour to pee, then last night I was up every two hours to pee. My bladder had to stretch again. I made sure I tried to hold my urine when I felt I had to pee for a little bit to help my bladder get back to normal.

I was at my parents house from August 21 until September 2 and it was so peaceful and nice. My parents waited on me so I didn’t do things that I was restricted from. I had no worries really at all while I was there. I want so badly to be back there now!

I haven’t even been home a week and my adult kids have already been at it again. Getting drunk and fighting. I finally said no alcohol is allowed in this house and if you break the rule, your out. I can pack up and move in with my parents and then they will all be homeless when the house is taken away. I don’t even want to be here, but it is the only way they all have a roof over their heads. I don’t even have enough money after bills to buy things I need. Yet, they go out and get what ever they want. Just kills me. They all need a dose of reality. My grandson is the only reason I am here! He is in Pre-K now and in speech therapy.

“B” and I just live like roommates. He doesn’t do anything with me or even spend time with me when I am laid up. I have gotten to the point I just don’t care anymore. That sucks, because once you get here, there is no going back. I have never been to a concert and he won tickets, but I am in recovery and couldn’t go, he went! He leaves Thursday to go up to see his family by himself. He insisted he was going by himself. Can’t even take a vacation with me. He says he loves me, but there is no way that can be true! It sucks! Just have to learn to love to be with me, myself and I. Oh, and my two kitties!

If I lived with my mom she would have someone to do things with. I would get to do things, instead of being stuck here alone and having to listen to my daughter scream and yell.

So Frustrated…

I have been leaking around the catheter line since the day after I was in the ER and found out I had an infection, even though I was on antibiotics! It seems to be getting worse! I had already resorted to wear a generic form of depends underwear, which suck by the way, because underwear and a pad were not catching all of it and it was running down my leg! Last night I decided I would try wrapping the top of the line where it goes into me with gauze and then secured the exposed part with tape and I put on underwear with a pad. After two hours, my pad was soaked, the gauze was soaked and so was my underwear. I don’t know if it caused more of a leak or I have been leaking that much in the depends underwear, since they hold a lot more than a period pad. So much for thinking I might be able to wear underwear instead of the bulky ass diaper underwear! So frustrating!

Basically, there is nothing I can do about it and I have to have this in until the 10th of September. 30 days total! From what I can tell I will need to wear diapers for a few days while I try to learn how to pee again then. I so want to be done with all of this.

I have been paranoid about getting another infection, so three times a day I wipe it all down with alcohol to sterilize it! My last antibiotic is on Tuesday, I am returning home Tuesday and calling that morning to the doctors office to request they call I more antibiotics to get me until the catheter is removed! I have been on one form or another of antibiotics since July 17th. Yesterday morning and when I just got up there was a line of white urine in the tube. Like watered down milk. I have been passing a lot of white stuff too. I am forcing myself to drink as much water as possible. Did I mention how much I hate water!

Saturday was the first day I did not feel really sick. I actually felt like I had energy too. I even only took one nap. So, I figured the infection finally got beat down enough not to make me sick. Yet, the leaking has increased! I did not leak at all until after going to the ER and finding out I had an infection? Probably just coincidence. I had been thinking the leaking was caused by the infection and that maybe it would go away when the infection went away. I have read though, that when you have a catheter in for over two weeks, it is common for it to leak. The doctor said I would have it one to two weeks. I feel like he lied about every single thing to me. He insists I need it in this long and the benefits out weight the negatives. He doesn’t have to have it in him and hurting him 24/7. Many people say they don’t feel it, but mine hurts at all times, sometimes so bad I want to scream. It’s always a burning and irritated feeling, then it will jab stabbing pains up into me. I have had it in for 20 days and I have 10 more to go! I am having some test done on Friday that checks to make sure your bladder and all is working right and there is no reflux.

I only have two days left here at my parents and then a seven hour car ride back to my home. I so pray my family will be adults and get along and just be a family. I will miss the pure peace and quiet I get here. My parents waiting on me. They show concern for me and talk to me every day. My mom cooks and makes sure I eat right.

I slept about a hour and a half before I just woke and discovered everything wet. So, now I will be up for a bit. At least it is early enough that I should be able to get more sleep. One good thing about being back home is I have a fridge in my bedroom so I can get an ice cold drink when I get up at night. Here, I take a tea to bed and then drink that when I am up in the night and it’s usually pretty warm by then. I love lipton citrus green tea. My parents golf on the weekends. Yesterday they left here at 8:15am and were back at 11:45am. Today they leave at 9am and should be back around noon. Usually when I am here my parents take me out to eat a lot, but since I am attached to a big green bag that holds the big catheter bag, since I can’t wear the leg bag because it causes more leaking and won’t stay up on my skinny legs, I am not really wanting to go out anywhere. On the trip here I had to stop every two hours and get out of the car to move around and carry my bag. People would stare at me. The one bad habit I have is smoking, so I did go into a gas station to get some cigarettes with my bag and had urine run down my leg while I was paying. I have no dignity left.

I really pray I am able to urinate on my own when they take this thing out. I had one in for a couple of hours and I could pee but it burned like hell and took a lot of focus to get the urine out. I was determined though! It seems I get a night of decent sleep the a few where I am up a lot. Send some prayers this way for me, please………….

Swimming in the Dark Sea of Depression & Pain!

No matter what I do or say, I am alone. I have no one here for me. I beg and plead or give them space and nothing seems to matter. I am in desperate need of my family to be here for me now. I am alone.

“B” really doesn’t care. He said he has been thinking about leaving me (again) and he goes off for the entire day doing what ever he wants. Even though he promised to put the window in and to clean up the yard. Now he is going to the beach all day tomorrow with my son and his girlfriend. I was not even invited, though I wouldn’t be able to go anyway due to the horrible pain I am in all the damn time.

I balled my eyes out so much for so long last night that they were still swollen this morning. I have not been able to sleep much this entire week either. I went to my pain doctor appointment this morning and I couldn’t be seen because the doctor went home sick. No one called me. I endured the very painful ride all the way to the place and back home again. They said I have to call next Monday for a new appointment. I told them that it would have to be in August and they said that was fine. I am not scheduling anything in July so I can focus on healing after my surgery.

That is if I even make it to my surgery. I have never wanted God to come take me back home as much as I have since last night and all through today. My depression upon the pain, has me walking very slowly with a limp and shooting pain. I have a look on my face like I am extremely tired and miserable, because I am. I feel like a heavy blanket of darkness is wrapped around me and pressing me down to the ground. My head is thick and cloudy. My eyes are burning, red and heavy. I have times where I suddenly feel I can no longer keep my eyes open and they roll up in my head. My neck and shoulders throb and ache horribly! For some strange reason, every time I lay in bed, I itch all over my body. If I can, I will wash my sheets again tomorrow, though I just washed them three days ago. My stomach growls and cramps like I am starving even after I eat. I have been eating way too much. Who cares, I will just get fat again. No attention whether I am thin or fat so it doesn’t really matter does it. The weight loss did not help with my pain either.

I wish I liked alcohol, then I could escape these feelings for a while. I hate the way alcohol tastes and I get sick from even a small amount of it. I just want to not feel anything or care about anything! I am maxed out and I am unable to handle the level I am at now. I need relief, someway or somehow!

So, tomorrow I will be here all day and evening with just my daughter and grandson. Maybe I will find a way to get into the pool and float or walk in the water. It always helped with my pain levels before. Except, it is supposed to be storming tomorrow. Figures!

I laid down the law today. I created a list of house rules and gave everyone here a copy. I then went over it all with them and informed them that violations would be write ups and three write ups would be eviction from my house. I should of done it a long time ago, but I just got to the point where I am completely done! If I have to kick them all out, so be it! No more crap will I take! Even if I end up loosing my house down the road if everyone is gone and I can’t afford to pay the utility bills, so be it! In the rules I listed that I am to be treated with respect, they are to do their chores every day and they will act like adults, get along with no fighting. There were ten rules. I am giving them a warning when they are about to break a rule for a few days to get them used to it, then it is all on them.

I need to get out of this funk and get this house cleaned before I am laid up for two months, but it doesn’t seem like it will happen. I have been dragged down so many times for so long, I fear that I am actually stuck here this time. Maybe I can get myself to bake something tomorrow, that usually helps with my mood when it is so low. All I can do is see what tomorrow has in store for me. The good news is, most of the people here will be gone all day, so much less crap to deal with. There isn’t jack to eat around here and I have been looking repeatedly for things to eat. There is stuff like candy and bread, the things not good for you at all. I have been eating it too, since it constantly feel like I am starving. I had popcorn for dinner tonight. I am off to bed and I am praying for a long, deep sleep………….

Saw the GYN Oncologist today…

I saw my GYN Oncologist today. The CA-125 tumor marker blood test was 11.9 which is within a normal range. He stated he does not feel the growths are cancer, but I do have a decent size growth and fibroids which are causing me to have very heavy periods and increased pain. He said we could do ‘Watchful Waiting’ for three months or I could have a complete hysterectomy where he takes everything out, even my ovaries. I opted for the complete hysterectomy and I will be having it done with the use of robotic arms. I should receive a call by next Wednesday with my surgery date and the date to do all of the pre-op stuff. They said he is booked solid the next couple of weeks. I am hoping for it to be in June, anytime in June! The pre-op day I have to go to his office for an exam, testing and paperwork, then immediately after go to the hospital for an EKG, X-ray, blood work and to speak to the anesthesiologist. I must remember to make sure they are very aware of the amount of pain medications I am on for chronic pain so they can offer me enough medications in the hospital after the surgery.

The use of the robotic arm should allow me to leave the hospital the next day and I won’t have to deal with a large incision in my abdomen, which is super important to me. I do still have a 6-8 week recovery period though. I just want to know when it will be so I can get planned and organized for the day.

I am still having my two adult children come to me complaining about each other. Even though I have said repeatedly that they need to grow up and handle it all on their own and talk to each other? My son was complain a few months back about my daughter eating all the food they bought, now she is complaining about him eating all the food she bought. SMH! I for one, can no longer take the bickering and bantering back and forth! They are 25 and 22 years of age, grow the hell up now! I want to hide in my own house and keep headphones on so I don’t have to hear any of it and I don’t have to hear my daughter screaming at her son. Yes, big changes are coming! My birthday is August 15th and that is D day. Decision day, where I make the final decisions as to what is best for me and my health, without worrying about anyone else. They just have no clue how easy they have it here. I have always worried about all of them before I even considered myself and now I am in an environment that is killing me. It is sad when you hope you do not wake up after surgery so you no longer have to live in such a negative place! I need peace and quiet and I need loving support!

I am exhausted just from having to drive my daughter to work and pick her up every day this week along with the two doctor appointments I had. If I lay back in the chair in the living room I am quickly falling asleep, until someone yells or slams something anyway! My daughter is the queen of manipulation, but I know her too well and as soon as she got in the car when I picked her up today she started on me with wanting to go out and do something. Guess what, I am exhausted and I am not able to watch your son. I did not have any help at all with my three children and she has so much help her it is sickening how she complains about it all. How about everyone here just shut the hell up!

I am praying I sleep in tomorrow. Having to get up early to take her to work has been rough for me. I have to get up at least 1 1/2 hours before the time I have to leave, so my medications kick in and I can move about. Driving increases my pain levels too. I am not worried about the surgery, but I am concerned about being put on estrogen after the surgery which is what my doctor wants to do since the surgery will put me into instant menopause. I have an aunt, a nana and her two sisters that all had breast cancer after being on hormone therapy. I am currently researching natural ways to help instead of having the hormone therapy. I am off to bed now………….

Sorting Out life…

I will never understand how my children cannot seem to put family first. Family is supposed to be there for each other and do what ever we can to help each other out. They were not raised to be so self centered. “B” cannot seem to put family first either. He grow up in a negative environment and instead of focusing on what he has now, he chooses to be hateful to those around him. I cannot change any of them. I do know I am only able to change myself…

Making huge life changing decisions are difficult. You fear if it is the right choice in the end and what will occur for making those choices. But, life here in this home is extremely negative. Everyone only seems to care about themselves and they are unable to put anyone ahead of themselves. Everything is an argument.

Now my son is having a fit about watching my grandson while my daughter works. I am so damn frustrated and stressed out. I have to try to find someone who will watch my grandson and be a good sitter and not charge more than my daughter makes. WTf?! At this rate she is just going to be unable to work. Seriously!

I want to be comfortable in my own home. I can even clean up the kitchen without my son freaking out thinking I am doing it for my daughter. I do it because no one else will! Some days I can’t even do it. I am thinking it will be best if I just go live with my parents………….