A Lost Soul….

I never thought I would be here going on 47 years old!  I work and built a great life, then my son died and my husband left and everything went to hell!  I lost a part of me when my son died and my husband chose drugs and cheating over the family we had…

Then, I thought I found true love again, but he was just a lie.  He pretended for almost 3 years to be the perfect guy.  How does someone do that for so long?  His real self came out and I spent years with a liar, thief and just a plain crappy person, because I married him.  He was too young and he left while I was fighting for my life.  I often wish I had died then!  

For 2 years now I have been alone, though I prefer being just me over being with a shitty man.  I feel lonely often, not lonely for a man in my life, but just a friend.  It seems everyone here is either an alcoholic or on drugs.  With my chronic pain, panic, anxiety and agoraphobia I have become a hermit in my home.  No vehicle or money, so I am stuck here anyway…

How did I get here?  I did everything right!  I chose shitty be in my life.  I know going to live with my parents is best for me, but at the same time I feel like I am loosing so much.  I will be able to eat right there and I will actually get to go out and do things.  I have to find a doctor willing to take me on and all my problems and not change my meds!  

I just don’t know why I am even here.  I spend every moment in pain and misery.  Why the heck didn’t I die two years ago?  There has to be a reason!  No one deserves to live on this much pain and misery and be alone…  

Filling Your Karma Account with Positive Credits…

We all have Karma.  What we put out, is what we get back.  So, each positive thought or affirmation is like a positive credit in your Karma account.  The goal being to have more positive than negative.  Like a buffer for any negative thing that occurs.

For example, let’s say you start each day with positive affirmations.  Those affirmations are each a credit in your account.  So, we say 5 positive affirmations and we deposit five positive credits.  Through out the day when a negative thought comes in your mind, then that takes away a positive credit, but if you immediately change that negative thought into a positive one and say it out loud, you can stop the withdrawal of a positive credit.  It balances out.  If you have a bad day and cannot help the negative thoughts, you could easily go into the negative in your karma account, so you want to build up as many positive credits as possible on the days you are feeling good.  Each thought and each action that is positive, is a positive credit.  When we help others or do good/nice things for them, we feel better and we deposit much more positive credits.  The more we do this, the better we feel!

Try to make each day start with positive credits into you karma account.  Affirmations and good intentions followed up with doing nice things for others.  Make an achievable goal that you can make each day, like 10 credits per day and work towards that goal every single day.  Remember, everyone has bad days, so do not get yourself down when this happens to you.    

Being still, silent and just relaxing is a daily practice we all need to have.  Our intuition and gut tells us so many things.  Yet, you must be quiet in order to hear it.  Nothing is more important than your happiness and well being.  Make the time, if even just a few minutes a day, to give yourself that silence and connection to your own spirit………….


Frustration, On Edge…

One of the things that sometimes occurs with my BPD, Borderline Personality Disorder, is that I go through time where I feel so alone and I get very down. During times like this I tend to order things online. I guess I am trying to find a way to make myself feel better. Unfortunately, I don’t have the funds to really pay for these things. It causes more problems for me.

Lately, I have been stressed out on how to get things I need. I no longer received any child support and that was how I would pick up things as they were needed. The money I do get once a month is gone the day I get it on the mortgage and the two bills I have to pay on. I have NO support system at all here. I try to talk to “B” and he will never listen to me or really engage with me in any conversation. My son and daughter cause a ton of drama and they rarely ever talk with me. My daughter actually spends most of the day screaming and acting psychotic. I am feeling so very alone and abandoned!

I just tried to talk to “B” about the issues I have with feeling stressed over getting things that are needed and my problem of buying things when I feel so trapped in this BPD cloud. He just snapped at me and he says hurtful things. He complained that he had to purchase the mattress for my grandsons bed and I had ordered a fitbit band in one of my BPD moments. I understand his frustration with me, but I did well and the entire year last year I did not buy a single thing. If only he was supportive and helpful instead of every interaction being negative!

My daughter woke at 8am and screamed, cussed and was psychotic until about a half an hour ago. I told her she needed to calm down and she just jumped all over me. She was pissed do off at first because she couldn’t find the remote to the TV and she was screaming at me about it. I found the remote under the chair. She just couldn’t get up off the couch and look herself! Hearing her screaming causes me to tense up and that increases my pain. I have been extremely irritable lately from so much negativity and I feel like I am going to just snap.

I am always alone and usually hiding in my room to avoid being screamed at. My grandson, who is four years old, was upset when he was sent to his room by his mother and took a puzzle piece and his hand and smashed the glass in his bedroom window. The poor kid has some serious anger issues and I had spent a year working on it with him, he was doing better, then his mother came back and it all went out the window!

I am finding myself crying and feeling just so darn alone. I have to take my daughter to the store so she can use a gift card to buy sheets for my grandsons bed. They will be getting a bunk bed set delivered tomorrow. It is twin on top and full on the bottom and will help clear up the small room the two of them are in right now together. My daughters full mattress is on the floor and my grandson is sleeping in a toddler bed and there is no room for him to play in there and I cannot even get to the window in that room. I want to go to the store and get it over with, but she is so horrible to be around.

I know how important it is to have someone that you can talk to and share your feelings with. I have absolutely no one here! I see the GYN oncologist tomorrow morning. I am expecting that he will be scheduling a biopsy of the growths on my ovaries. The left one being very large and pushing my uterus to the right. I have had horrible pain for more than two weeks now that I cannot seem to catch a break from. It has been spreading and increasing over the last three years and we just accidentally found these growths. I do worry about it being cancer, as I do fit all the symptoms of that. I just wish I had someone I could really talk to about it all. If I talk about how bad I hurt, “B” tells me he doesn’t want to hear it.

I am having a melt down… I feel I am loosing my mind and as if there is nothing left to hold on to anymore………….