I spent 24+ hours in Silence…

For the entire day Friday, I spent it in complete silence without any electronics.  I don’t use electronics much anyway, so that was not hard.  I was practicing being in the present moment.  I had many times I had to  acknowledge thoughts and release them, but I also had times were I was just completely still and silent even in my thoughts.  

I did find that my pain gets so great that I need to distract my mind.  I spent years finding ways to keep my mind busy and away from the pain.  What I did was, draw and write in a journal.  I had a few hours of pain so great I did not think I would make it.  So, have constructive ways to distract your mind is important when you suffer from chronic pain.

I like the silence and I like going with the flow, without time!  I chose a rock out of my yard, a decent size and weight, I carry this with me at all times and when I think a negative thought I push it into the Rock.  This is a beneficial practice.  It took me a couple of years to learn to live without time as much as possible.  My anxiety and panic would always get out of control when I had appointments, etc.  what I did was, schedule the appointment in my tablet and on Sunday every week I check for any appointments.  I set an alarm for when I need to be up and ready for the appointment.  This has reduced my anxiety down to a 24 hour period instead of days on end.  I try very hard to only have one appointment a week, as I know I will become agitated and need to recover.  I rarely drive, unless it is some place very close to home, like the grocery store and my general Doctor.  These are coping techniques I put in place to get through life on a more tolerable level.  Even if I am going to go on a date, I have a great deal of anxiety and tension.  This has lead me to choose not to even bother with dating or looking for a partner.  I need to completely focus on me and learn to love me completely.  I never thought I would see the day that I did not feel I needed a man in my life.  I have reached that place and I like it very much.  No other person can make you happy, only you have that power over yourself.

We all have to find what works for ourselves.  What helps us get through each day of our lives.  Back in 1995, when the panic attacks began out of nowhere, I was in great disbelief for months.  When I finally accepted what was happening was Panic, I began to read everything I could find on the disorder.   I decided that meditation was the route to take.  I found a few guided meditations that I could listen to and I began a journey on learning to meditate.  Meditation is extremely helpful with panic and anxiety disorders.  The Panic came like clock work every two years and lasted for 6 months.  I would also become agoraphobic during this time!  I could not leave my home, so I would begin meditation daily once again.  After 6 months, it would stop as quickly as it began, but while it was occurring I felt very ill 24/7!  Much like having the flu that never went away.  The panic episodes hit me every two years, 1995, 1997, 1999, 2001… In 2001, I asked to be put on Paxil as it was the one medication that was supposed to help panic.  It did help, but I still had 6 months of panic, feeling ill and agoraphobia.  It was like taking the edge off of it all.  Then in 2003, my son died in a car accident.  I was so depressed, I did not get out of the bed for months.  I immediately put myself in counseling weekly and group therapy weekly.  I was put on several different medications until I found what worked decent enough.  Xanax, Effexor and Trazadone.  I was far from cured, but I was able to get myself to my appointments (which were only a mile away) and I began seeking what things I could do to help myself get through the nightmare of my life.  Little did I know, the nightmare had just begun!

2006 my husband cheated, got on drugs and left.  I lost my dream home and had to move back to GA where I still had a small house.  Here in GA, they refused to give me the Xanax , so I have been on Ativan which is not quick acting.  I remarried, it was great for two years, then his true self came out, a liar & thief!  He left and came back after 6 weeks in 2009.  I was beat by a gang going after my neighbor in 2010. Then the chronic pain began and never left!  I was in a wheelchair, could not walk.  Finally found a doctor that helped enough to get me walking again.  Last year I had a cancer scare, a hysterectomy, became deathly ill and had to have a huge surgery to save my life and my husband cheated and left me.  So here I am, trying to survive on $810 a month disability with a mortgage and I do not have enough funds to cover the electric bill.  No place here can help me, I really miss southern IL!  But I am grateful for my home and my pets and if I have to I will live without electricity………….
My Rock!   
And ME…

It has Been very Difficult for Me…

I really should of been writing this whole time. I feel ever so alone. Struggling with emotions and fears. Finding myself crying out of the blue!

I have dated some men, but I always find a reason to not be with them. Seems like every single one is a liar anyway. They deceive you with their lies and reel you in, then in a matter of a week or two you can see their true selves coming out and it is nothing they pretended to be! I really do believe it is impossible to find a man that fits what I need anymore. What I have to have is: Honesty, Communication, Loyalty and Romance. If I can’t have that, then I would rather be alone!

No more shall I put up with crap just to not be alone, I finally found that place where I won’t settle for anything less. I am pretty sure it is from my last husband and how horrible he was. Constantly lied! My mind runs all the time and won’t let me sleep, while all day I feel like I am going to fall asleep. I know what I want, I just don’t know where I would find a man like that. I have tried online dating sites and I don’t go out to clubs or anything to meet men.

The online world is a joke! The men are all liars or they are looking just for sex or both. Casual sex has NEVER done a thing for me! I like having a connection with someone then having sex. I always had hoped I would be with one man until the day I died. I am fine with not having a man in my life, I just wish I could have sex….lol! For me that requires a man in my life. I do know I discovered I hate sleeping in the bed with someone else.

I have been doing my best to pray to GOD and turn it all over to GOD. I guess I don’t know how to let it all go! My temper is very short anymore. Things get on my nerves fast. I need peace and quiet or I feel horrible. That doesn’t work out so well when I have a grandson with serious emotional issues that I have to babysit often. I keep saying, “GOD will bring to me what I need and when it is the right time!” Now if I could just believe that all the time………….

Current photo of me…

How the Single Life has been going…

My soon to be EX has been gone for 3 1/2 weeks now. It has been wonderful not having his negativity and pissy attitude in the house. Believe it or not, he actually tried to get me to meet him somewhere for sex. Really!?! I have not even had sex since my surgeries and I am frankly pretty scared of it hurting. Many woman have stated it hurt for several times after a hysterectomy where they remove the cervix and have to stitch it closed. They also stated that the length of your vagina is shortened so a long penis would also be painful. Long sucks anyway, what is great is a thick one! I have been thinking a lot about sex and I know I have to check to see if it hurts before I even attempt to do it with anyone. It has been 9 weeks since my last surgery this Monday that just passed.

Lately, I have been really tired often. I did way too much over the last two weeks trying to get through all the stuff in the big shed, the small shed, the shed attached to the house and the attic. I am having a yard sale this Saturday. I had to spend several days resting because I ended up in too much pain. I am still feeling very tired and my pain levels are up. My meds are not helping much at all.

I decided to join an online dating site. My daughter uses POF so I signed up for that one since it’s free to message, etc. I had lots of men hit on me there, but they mostly seemed to be after sex. I am looking for a man that fits with my morals and doesn’t lie. Which is a very hard thing to find. I have been married here times and I never held out for the right man that fit with me well. I don’t want to be with an alcoholic or a liar or a cheater. I want someone I can talk to and shares in my morals. I have never stole a thing in my life and I think everyone needs to treat the earth better. I talk to men that seems like they may fit according to their profile and then after talking a while I will meet them. I have met three men so far, because most men don’t even get to the stage of talking. They are alcoholics or liars or something else. One man, I quickly discovered he lied often and he had a drug problem. Another one I met and he came on so strong I knew all he wanted was sex, so no to that one too. However, I have met one man that fits with my morals, doesn’t seem to be a liar and I enjoy time with him. I have went out with him twice so far and we talk daily. He does seem to have some OCD issues and he is always going. I keep waiting to find out what is bad about him, since that is always what happens. It is so depressing. This man doesn’t seem to put forth much effort, which I don’t like. I was messaging him every day, so I stopped and after two days he messaged me. I want a man to court me like they would in the old days. I have NEVER had that! I do not want to ever live with a man again,but I would like to have a relationship where we were only with each other and we did things together. I really like having my bed and bathroom to myself! Maybe one day I will find the right guy and he will will be loving and attentive towards me.

So, that’s what’s been going on with me for the last few weeks. When I get the yard sale done, I will work on the Halloween props that need repair. After Halloween I will scrub all the baseboards and paint them, then the doors. The list is endless of things that need to be done here! My daughter is trying to find a job to help cover the utility bills. That’s all my ex even paid here, was three utility bills, yet he tells everyone that he paid all the bills here. I have always paid the biggest bill, the mortgage, and he has NEVER paid all the bills, but I did for a few years when he didn’t work. Makes me sick how much he lies. No one likes him and he has been trying to find people to do things with him. I married an unattractive man thinking he would never cheat. Guess it doesn’t matter what they look like! I’m totally done with marriage, three strikes and your out! I put my all into the marriages and they wouldn’t even try!

Wish me lots of luck for my future. I have been struggling with some serious depression every night. I am still swollen in my abdomen from doing too much too,so I feel fat…lol!

My current picture…

So Frustrated…

I have been leaking around the catheter line since the day after I was in the ER and found out I had an infection, even though I was on antibiotics! It seems to be getting worse! I had already resorted to wear a generic form of depends underwear, which suck by the way, because underwear and a pad were not catching all of it and it was running down my leg! Last night I decided I would try wrapping the top of the line where it goes into me with gauze and then secured the exposed part with tape and I put on underwear with a pad. After two hours, my pad was soaked, the gauze was soaked and so was my underwear. I don’t know if it caused more of a leak or I have been leaking that much in the depends underwear, since they hold a lot more than a period pad. So much for thinking I might be able to wear underwear instead of the bulky ass diaper underwear! So frustrating!

Basically, there is nothing I can do about it and I have to have this in until the 10th of September. 30 days total! From what I can tell I will need to wear diapers for a few days while I try to learn how to pee again then. I so want to be done with all of this.

I have been paranoid about getting another infection, so three times a day I wipe it all down with alcohol to sterilize it! My last antibiotic is on Tuesday, I am returning home Tuesday and calling that morning to the doctors office to request they call I more antibiotics to get me until the catheter is removed! I have been on one form or another of antibiotics since July 17th. Yesterday morning and when I just got up there was a line of white urine in the tube. Like watered down milk. I have been passing a lot of white stuff too. I am forcing myself to drink as much water as possible. Did I mention how much I hate water!

Saturday was the first day I did not feel really sick. I actually felt like I had energy too. I even only took one nap. So, I figured the infection finally got beat down enough not to make me sick. Yet, the leaking has increased! I did not leak at all until after going to the ER and finding out I had an infection? Probably just coincidence. I had been thinking the leaking was caused by the infection and that maybe it would go away when the infection went away. I have read though, that when you have a catheter in for over two weeks, it is common for it to leak. The doctor said I would have it one to two weeks. I feel like he lied about every single thing to me. He insists I need it in this long and the benefits out weight the negatives. He doesn’t have to have it in him and hurting him 24/7. Many people say they don’t feel it, but mine hurts at all times, sometimes so bad I want to scream. It’s always a burning and irritated feeling, then it will jab stabbing pains up into me. I have had it in for 20 days and I have 10 more to go! I am having some test done on Friday that checks to make sure your bladder and all is working right and there is no reflux.

I only have two days left here at my parents and then a seven hour car ride back to my home. I so pray my family will be adults and get along and just be a family. I will miss the pure peace and quiet I get here. My parents waiting on me. They show concern for me and talk to me every day. My mom cooks and makes sure I eat right.

I slept about a hour and a half before I just woke and discovered everything wet. So, now I will be up for a bit. At least it is early enough that I should be able to get more sleep. One good thing about being back home is I have a fridge in my bedroom so I can get an ice cold drink when I get up at night. Here, I take a tea to bed and then drink that when I am up in the night and it’s usually pretty warm by then. I love lipton citrus green tea. My parents golf on the weekends. Yesterday they left here at 8:15am and were back at 11:45am. Today they leave at 9am and should be back around noon. Usually when I am here my parents take me out to eat a lot, but since I am attached to a big green bag that holds the big catheter bag, since I can’t wear the leg bag because it causes more leaking and won’t stay up on my skinny legs, I am not really wanting to go out anywhere. On the trip here I had to stop every two hours and get out of the car to move around and carry my bag. People would stare at me. The one bad habit I have is smoking, so I did go into a gas station to get some cigarettes with my bag and had urine run down my leg while I was paying. I have no dignity left.

I really pray I am able to urinate on my own when they take this thing out. I had one in for a couple of hours and I could pee but it burned like hell and took a lot of focus to get the urine out. I was determined though! It seems I get a night of decent sleep the a few where I am up a lot. Send some prayers this way for me, please………….

Surgery Tomorrow…

Tomorrow is six weeks from my radical hysterectomy surgery. This last week my bowels finally began to work normally, every day. Due to complication, I will be back in the operating room tomorrow for a big abdominal surgery to repair a hole in my ureter, clean out a hematoma and close the hole in my vaginal cuff. This time I will have a large incision in my abdomen and that is what has me scared! Another 6-8 weeks of recovery, but this time with a large incision and more pain.

I have prepared myself as much as I possibly can for this surgery, yet my nerves are a mess. I am to be at the hospital at 11:30am and the surgery is scheduled for 1:00pm. I have been reassured that everyone is on the same page this time and I will be well cared for with good pain control. So I continue to pray that this is the case and all goes well and I heal with no other issues.

Today I can only consume clear liquids while I do a bowel prep. I have to end the night with an enema and I have to shower twice today with special soap that I scrub into my belly for five minutes. I also have to do this in the morning before I go to the hospital. My blood work is good, so that is reassuring.

I thought I was nervous before my radical hysterectomy with the robot, this is much much more intense. Just so you know, if you ever have surgeries with a robot or laproscopically, don’t worry about horrible pain. The worse I ever had from those were a couple of days of gas pains in my shoulders from the gas they blow up the belly with to see. This time it is the large incision that has me so concerned. I keep telling myself so many others have had it done and made it through just fine. The key is keeping relaxed!

After surgery I will have two days of an epidural to help get me through the first two days that tend to be the hardest pain. In this time I will be focusing on breathing deeply to keep my lungs clear. This prevents pneumonia! I also cannot have anything by mouth these two days, only through IV. When they remove the epidural and start me on oral meds, I will keep calm and get up and walk to get my blood flowing and help me heal! Support my incision with a pillow and be very gentle with it, as to not cause any further trauma to the area. It is extremely important to baby the incision area and the abdominal muscles for a full 6-8 weeks. If you are not careful you can cause a hernia which will result in another surgery and I am not having any more surgeries!

A hysterectomy is normally a very easy surgery to heal from. I just happened to be one of the very few that had something go wrong. What went wrong was not my surgeon, but the staff in recovery who left me in too much pain and did not give me anxiety medications. I went into a full blown panic attack which ripped the stitches inside my abdomen and caused the large hematoma, which caused the hole in my ureter and the hole in my
vaginal cuff. To think tomorrow I would be six weeks out from that surgery and being released from restriction and feeling back to normal. Ugh!

So, here I am today. Trying to keep calm. Get through this day and stick to my well thought out plan for recovery. I am beyond blessed to have my mother coming up to be with me on Wednesday and care for me while I am on strict bed rest with just a few short walking sessions a day for 1-2 weeks. Today I get to eat jello, broth and Popsicles…..lol!

Please, send up prayers and positive thoughts for a speedy healing and a perfect surgery………….

Working through the fears….

I am doing all I can to work through the fears of this up and coming open abdominal surgery. It is the pain that worries me. I am glad I will have an epidural for the first two days. I have read a lot of stories from people who had open abdominal surgery and they all say the first two days are the worst. I am hoping when they remove the epidural they are smart enough to figure out what I need to take to cover the pain. I see my pain doctor today and I am asking him what he suggests!

My belly has been swollen and I have a lot of pressure there. I don’t feel good at all. A part of me wishes they would just take it all out now and fix the problems. Another week of wearing depends and waking every hour to being soaked. I have not slept a full night since the radical hysterectomy onJune 30th. I did sleep a lot with naps the first week I was home though. I can also now feel the five incision areas they went through. They are very tender and bruised feeling and they did not bother me before, so it must be all the pressure from the leak in my ureter that is flowing into my abdomen then out the hole in my vaginal cuff. I am on a sulfur antibiotic now, which I have to take Pepcid because it messes my tummy up and a steroid to reduce the inflammation before surgery. I am still waiting for the Pre-op nurse to call and tell me when to come in this week. She is always behind and calls at the last minute. I very much dislike that!

Each night I sleep 1-2 hours, then have to get up and change, then go back to bed for 2-3 hours, then I am up for a while and change. I usually try to lay back done after I am up a few hours and sometimes I will sleep another hour, but usually I just lay there and then I tend to flood the depends out in that time as well. It flows out of me a lot when I stand up and when I am laying down. I will be glad when I don’t have to wear them anymore. It will be a month of having to wear them by the time I have the surgery. My surgery is scheduled on the day that would of been my 6 week post op appointment to be released if I had not had complications!

I just want to get through this and heal and be done with it all. I pray this is going to fix everything and when I am healed I will have no more of the pain I had before the surgery or the extra pain caused by the surgery! Please pray for me………….

Another Major Surgery…

I saw my doctor again today. Over night I had a reduction in the fluid coming out of me and my belly swelled. He checked and I still had drainage and an opening so he said not to worry about it. The swelling and aching is most likely from some constipation and the fact I had to walk a lot yesterday and today at doctors office and the hospital.

I am scheduled for major surgery on August 11th. I have pre-op next week and another day I go see the anesthesiologist. I have four appointments next week. He is going in with a large incision going up my belly much like a C-section incision. He needs a lot of room to work. I have always feared having to have that done, but he is putting me one epidural for the first two days and promises I will not be left in pain and I will have anxiety meds. He is going to clean out the large hematoma, repair the hole in my ureter and stitch I a stent for while I heal for 2-3 months. He is repairing the hole in my vaginal cuff too. I cannot eat for two days after surgery so everything will be through the IV and I will have a catheter in me for 1-2 weeks. I will be in the hospital 3-4 days then get to come home and be on complete bed rest for two weeks.

The doctor is pissed at all the BS I have gone through and he reassures me that he personally is making sure I am well cared for and not in pain and treated extremely well. This will be my last surgery and it will fix everything. I just need to get through the recovery.

I had made sure my hysterectomy was done by the end of June so I would be healed by my birthday which is August 15th. But now I will be recovering until October. Oh well I guess. I would greatly appreciate all prayers that you can send my way. Thankfully, my mother is coming yo again to be with me for the first week. I have a week to get ready but I am on strict rest so I don’t even know how I am supposed to get a bag packed. I guess instruct others what to do. I asked the to all band together and get the house thoroughly cleaned for me too. I just need everything to go ok and for me to make it through the pain and healing so I can finally be on my way to recovery………….