So Frustrated…

I have been leaking around the catheter line since the day after I was in the ER and found out I had an infection, even though I was on antibiotics! It seems to be getting worse! I had already resorted to wear a generic form of depends underwear, which suck by the way, because underwear and a pad were not catching all of it and it was running down my leg! Last night I decided I would try wrapping the top of the line where it goes into me with gauze and then secured the exposed part with tape and I put on underwear with a pad. After two hours, my pad was soaked, the gauze was soaked and so was my underwear. I don’t know if it caused more of a leak or I have been leaking that much in the depends underwear, since they hold a lot more than a period pad. So much for thinking I might be able to wear underwear instead of the bulky ass diaper underwear! So frustrating!

Basically, there is nothing I can do about it and I have to have this in until the 10th of September. 30 days total! From what I can tell I will need to wear diapers for a few days while I try to learn how to pee again then. I so want to be done with all of this.

I have been paranoid about getting another infection, so three times a day I wipe it all down with alcohol to sterilize it! My last antibiotic is on Tuesday, I am returning home Tuesday and calling that morning to the doctors office to request they call I more antibiotics to get me until the catheter is removed! I have been on one form or another of antibiotics since July 17th. Yesterday morning and when I just got up there was a line of white urine in the tube. Like watered down milk. I have been passing a lot of white stuff too. I am forcing myself to drink as much water as possible. Did I mention how much I hate water!

Saturday was the first day I did not feel really sick. I actually felt like I had energy too. I even only took one nap. So, I figured the infection finally got beat down enough not to make me sick. Yet, the leaking has increased! I did not leak at all until after going to the ER and finding out I had an infection? Probably just coincidence. I had been thinking the leaking was caused by the infection and that maybe it would go away when the infection went away. I have read though, that when you have a catheter in for over two weeks, it is common for it to leak. The doctor said I would have it one to two weeks. I feel like he lied about every single thing to me. He insists I need it in this long and the benefits out weight the negatives. He doesn’t have to have it in him and hurting him 24/7. Many people say they don’t feel it, but mine hurts at all times, sometimes so bad I want to scream. It’s always a burning and irritated feeling, then it will jab stabbing pains up into me. I have had it in for 20 days and I have 10 more to go! I am having some test done on Friday that checks to make sure your bladder and all is working right and there is no reflux.

I only have two days left here at my parents and then a seven hour car ride back to my home. I so pray my family will be adults and get along and just be a family. I will miss the pure peace and quiet I get here. My parents waiting on me. They show concern for me and talk to me every day. My mom cooks and makes sure I eat right.

I slept about a hour and a half before I just woke and discovered everything wet. So, now I will be up for a bit. At least it is early enough that I should be able to get more sleep. One good thing about being back home is I have a fridge in my bedroom so I can get an ice cold drink when I get up at night. Here, I take a tea to bed and then drink that when I am up in the night and it’s usually pretty warm by then. I love lipton citrus green tea. My parents golf on the weekends. Yesterday they left here at 8:15am and were back at 11:45am. Today they leave at 9am and should be back around noon. Usually when I am here my parents take me out to eat a lot, but since I am attached to a big green bag that holds the big catheter bag, since I can’t wear the leg bag because it causes more leaking and won’t stay up on my skinny legs, I am not really wanting to go out anywhere. On the trip here I had to stop every two hours and get out of the car to move around and carry my bag. People would stare at me. The one bad habit I have is smoking, so I did go into a gas station to get some cigarettes with my bag and had urine run down my leg while I was paying. I have no dignity left.

I really pray I am able to urinate on my own when they take this thing out. I had one in for a couple of hours and I could pee but it burned like hell and took a lot of focus to get the urine out. I was determined though! It seems I get a night of decent sleep the a few where I am up a lot. Send some prayers this way for me, please………….

Surgery Tomorrow…

Tomorrow is six weeks from my radical hysterectomy surgery. This last week my bowels finally began to work normally, every day. Due to complication, I will be back in the operating room tomorrow for a big abdominal surgery to repair a hole in my ureter, clean out a hematoma and close the hole in my vaginal cuff. This time I will have a large incision in my abdomen and that is what has me scared! Another 6-8 weeks of recovery, but this time with a large incision and more pain.

I have prepared myself as much as I possibly can for this surgery, yet my nerves are a mess. I am to be at the hospital at 11:30am and the surgery is scheduled for 1:00pm. I have been reassured that everyone is on the same page this time and I will be well cared for with good pain control. So I continue to pray that this is the case and all goes well and I heal with no other issues.

Today I can only consume clear liquids while I do a bowel prep. I have to end the night with an enema and I have to shower twice today with special soap that I scrub into my belly for five minutes. I also have to do this in the morning before I go to the hospital. My blood work is good, so that is reassuring.

I thought I was nervous before my radical hysterectomy with the robot, this is much much more intense. Just so you know, if you ever have surgeries with a robot or laproscopically, don’t worry about horrible pain. The worse I ever had from those were a couple of days of gas pains in my shoulders from the gas they blow up the belly with to see. This time it is the large incision that has me so concerned. I keep telling myself so many others have had it done and made it through just fine. The key is keeping relaxed!

After surgery I will have two days of an epidural to help get me through the first two days that tend to be the hardest pain. In this time I will be focusing on breathing deeply to keep my lungs clear. This prevents pneumonia! I also cannot have anything by mouth these two days, only through IV. When they remove the epidural and start me on oral meds, I will keep calm and get up and walk to get my blood flowing and help me heal! Support my incision with a pillow and be very gentle with it, as to not cause any further trauma to the area. It is extremely important to baby the incision area and the abdominal muscles for a full 6-8 weeks. If you are not careful you can cause a hernia which will result in another surgery and I am not having any more surgeries!

A hysterectomy is normally a very easy surgery to heal from. I just happened to be one of the very few that had something go wrong. What went wrong was not my surgeon, but the staff in recovery who left me in too much pain and did not give me anxiety medications. I went into a full blown panic attack which ripped the stitches inside my abdomen and caused the large hematoma, which caused the hole in my ureter and the hole in my
vaginal cuff. To think tomorrow I would be six weeks out from that surgery and being released from restriction and feeling back to normal. Ugh!

So, here I am today. Trying to keep calm. Get through this day and stick to my well thought out plan for recovery. I am beyond blessed to have my mother coming up to be with me on Wednesday and care for me while I am on strict bed rest with just a few short walking sessions a day for 1-2 weeks. Today I get to eat jello, broth and Popsicles…!

Please, send up prayers and positive thoughts for a speedy healing and a perfect surgery………….

Working through the fears….

I am doing all I can to work through the fears of this up and coming open abdominal surgery. It is the pain that worries me. I am glad I will have an epidural for the first two days. I have read a lot of stories from people who had open abdominal surgery and they all say the first two days are the worst. I am hoping when they remove the epidural they are smart enough to figure out what I need to take to cover the pain. I see my pain doctor today and I am asking him what he suggests!

My belly has been swollen and I have a lot of pressure there. I don’t feel good at all. A part of me wishes they would just take it all out now and fix the problems. Another week of wearing depends and waking every hour to being soaked. I have not slept a full night since the radical hysterectomy onJune 30th. I did sleep a lot with naps the first week I was home though. I can also now feel the five incision areas they went through. They are very tender and bruised feeling and they did not bother me before, so it must be all the pressure from the leak in my ureter that is flowing into my abdomen then out the hole in my vaginal cuff. I am on a sulfur antibiotic now, which I have to take Pepcid because it messes my tummy up and a steroid to reduce the inflammation before surgery. I am still waiting for the Pre-op nurse to call and tell me when to come in this week. She is always behind and calls at the last minute. I very much dislike that!

Each night I sleep 1-2 hours, then have to get up and change, then go back to bed for 2-3 hours, then I am up for a while and change. I usually try to lay back done after I am up a few hours and sometimes I will sleep another hour, but usually I just lay there and then I tend to flood the depends out in that time as well. It flows out of me a lot when I stand up and when I am laying down. I will be glad when I don’t have to wear them anymore. It will be a month of having to wear them by the time I have the surgery. My surgery is scheduled on the day that would of been my 6 week post op appointment to be released if I had not had complications!

I just want to get through this and heal and be done with it all. I pray this is going to fix everything and when I am healed I will have no more of the pain I had before the surgery or the extra pain caused by the surgery! Please pray for me………….

Another Major Surgery…

I saw my doctor again today. Over night I had a reduction in the fluid coming out of me and my belly swelled. He checked and I still had drainage and an opening so he said not to worry about it. The swelling and aching is most likely from some constipation and the fact I had to walk a lot yesterday and today at doctors office and the hospital.

I am scheduled for major surgery on August 11th. I have pre-op next week and another day I go see the anesthesiologist. I have four appointments next week. He is going in with a large incision going up my belly much like a C-section incision. He needs a lot of room to work. I have always feared having to have that done, but he is putting me one epidural for the first two days and promises I will not be left in pain and I will have anxiety meds. He is going to clean out the large hematoma, repair the hole in my ureter and stitch I a stent for while I heal for 2-3 months. He is repairing the hole in my vaginal cuff too. I cannot eat for two days after surgery so everything will be through the IV and I will have a catheter in me for 1-2 weeks. I will be in the hospital 3-4 days then get to come home and be on complete bed rest for two weeks.

The doctor is pissed at all the BS I have gone through and he reassures me that he personally is making sure I am well cared for and not in pain and treated extremely well. This will be my last surgery and it will fix everything. I just need to get through the recovery.

I had made sure my hysterectomy was done by the end of June so I would be healed by my birthday which is August 15th. But now I will be recovering until October. Oh well I guess. I would greatly appreciate all prayers that you can send my way. Thankfully, my mother is coming yo again to be with me for the first week. I have a week to get ready but I am on strict rest so I don’t even know how I am supposed to get a bag packed. I guess instruct others what to do. I asked the to all band together and get the house thoroughly cleaned for me too. I just need everything to go ok and for me to make it through the pain and healing so I can finally be on my way to recovery………….

Even More B.S….

I went to see my doctor today at 10:00am. I had double checked when they called me earlier in the week and changed my appointment to today that is was today and at 10:00 and at the cancer center. Yes, they told me!

I arrived ten minutes early, at check in they can’t find me anywhere, even though I have been there several times, then discover I am not scheduled there. So I told her repeatedly about the girl calling me and changing my day and time. I had to sit for 30 minutes while a nurse tried to figure out what was going on. She tells me she can’t figure out who called me, but I am to go to my doctors other office at Augusta Oncology Associates (AOA).

So we drive over there and I sit for a half hour, then get called back, sit another half hour and have a intern taking my info that they have already taken every time I have ever been there, sit for another 20 minutes then get told to undress for a vaginal exam, sit for another 20 minutes waiting on the doctor to come in. I have the doctor, his 2nd in charge doctor and the intern all looking up my vagina. I told them they were going to have to start buying me dinner since they all crowd around and peer into my darkness. No laughs with that either! I notice the look on his 2nds face and heard her say to the doctor, is that _____________. He does an internal finger exam and I notice he feels something and says yes. I asked what it was but he refused to tell me until I was dressed and he came back in. So there I waited another half hour for him to come back in my room, completely stressed out!

The look on his face was not good. He said the stent that was put into my right ureter from kidney down to bladder had some how moved and was now in my abdomen and they could see and feel it through the hole in the vaginal cuff. He sends me over to the hospital to have a CT scan with contrast and tells me he will call me as soon as the results are in.

I go to the hospital and sit for two damn hours waiting to be called back. Finally I get an IV put in my arm, then sit another 15 minutes and I am called back. I get on the table and they scan me three times, then inject the contrast into my IV, which always gives me a hot weird taste in the back of my mouth and makes my crotch area very hot. Then they scan me two more times. Then I had to lay there for 15 minutes and they scanned me two more times and I was finally done. I left my house this morning at 9:30am and got home at 3:30pm.

I immediately called my mother and was telling her everything, when the other line beeped in and I said it might be the doctor so hold on. I click over and it is a lady from the other hospital here called University. She says she has me down for 8:00am surgery tomorrow. I said what surgery. She asked if I saw my doctor today and I said yes, what surgery. She asked what the doctor told me and I replied that he saw the stent on the other side of my vaginal cuff. She said, yes! Have you not talked to your doctor since? I said no that I was waiting for his call and again asked what surgery. She refused to tell me and said she would call them and have him call me back. There I sat, stressed in worry for over an hour and my doctors assistant called me. She said that I was NOT having surgery in the morning, but I was having surgery on another day. I asked what surgery and she said she did not know, but my doctor wanted me back in his office tomorrow at 11:45 to go over everything,

The only thing I can figure he would be doing surgery for is to repair the hole in the ureter and get the stent out of my abdomen. It is rushing urine into my abdomen which then runs out the hole in my cuff and I soak a depends every hour now. I don’t think it needs to wait until after the weekend though. I am terrified of having a large incision and the pain of it after. From what I have found, they go in either in your back or your side and it’s a decent sized cut, then they repair the hole. You can end up being in the hospital two weeks and usually are put on a pain pump so you know they expect a lot of pain! Yikes…. You have got to be kidding me! You are also on a catheter for at least a week. EKE…

How in the hell does a stent come out of the ureter and end up in your abdomen. Stents come out sometimes but it is always out through your urethra. I have been unable to find anyone else this has happened to, let alone anyone else that had both a hole in the cuff and a hole in the ureter after a hysterectomy and I also had sepsis and a hematoma that would not come out even through a drain. I almost died then. I do not want to deal with this. Everyone keeps telling me I need to talk to a lawyer because all of it together is just too damn much. I can’t deal with that right now, I have to get better first, but I am thinking about it. I feel I definitely deserve some type of compensation for the many errors on his part that caused me so much pain, suffering and inability to even do a single thing for months. I don’t know though, dealing with that will cause all kinds of anxiety issues for me. Though the money is desperately needed.

I really cannot take anymore bad news. I have had three surgeries before the hysterectomy and never had any problems with them at all. Healed well and no mishaps! My doctor is raved about being the best here by everyone. He never had any error or mishap before me. Why is it always me that the crap happens too anyway?




I have had the stent in since last Friday. The stent itself doesn’t bother me much but I have had some sharp bladder pains. I see the doctor tomorrow morning.

Last night I woke every hour to chunks of the hematoma coming out of me and having to go to the bathroom and change the Depends underwear I have to wear. I also had a lot of fluid and blood coming out from midnight until noon and went through six depends that fast. I feel like I can’t mentally take any of this anymore. I have had re major crying spells feeling like I have no life and I am going to snap, which must be due to hormones.

I am 30 days post OP for a radical Hysterectomy which then I got ill and ended up hospitalized and then found out I have a hole in my vaginal cuff, a serious infection and a hole in my right ureter. Enough is enough and I need to see some improvements! I have zero life. Rest and take it easy. Bored to death and sick of this damn house. I have gotten an appetite back in the last two days though and actually had a BM two days in a row, for the first time since my surgery.

I am on two antibiotics and one of them leaves a nasty taste in my mouth all the time. I finish them on Saturday, which will be two weeks of taking them. I am sick of it all damn it!

I will ask the doctor about hormones tomorrow too. I need more than anything for the stuff flowing out of me to slow down and stop. Living in Depends underwear for women since Tuesday July 15th has gotten to me! Not getting much sleep has gotten to me! Having pain in my bladder and very low back has really gotten to me! It feels like everything crappy that can happen, always happens to me. If I could go back I would not have this surgery and just live the rest of my life in the pain.

I do everything I can to keep my mind busy. I read, email, Facebook and play two different games on my IPad. I watch TV or movies. It’s just been too long with no improvements. It’s bad enough to deal with depressed and anxiety and chronic pain every day of your life, then all of this has just been way more than I can take. I have been tortured so many times between the surgery and being left in pain until I had a full blown panic attack to the drain tube being out I my low abdomen while conscious and then the tube put in my back and then taken out and a stent put in! I’m done! Something has to give…

Every time I lay down I do a healing meditation and I focus on the three major areas. The hematoma to get out of me, the hole in my ureter to heal and the hole in my vaginal cuff to heal. None of which can heal as long as fluid is constantly flowing out of it! I am terrified of having to have another surgery too! Please, send me prayer for healing and recovery, I need them so badly………….

Swimming in the Dark Sea of Depression & Pain!

No matter what I do or say, I am alone. I have no one here for me. I beg and plead or give them space and nothing seems to matter. I am in desperate need of my family to be here for me now. I am alone.

“B” really doesn’t care. He said he has been thinking about leaving me (again) and he goes off for the entire day doing what ever he wants. Even though he promised to put the window in and to clean up the yard. Now he is going to the beach all day tomorrow with my son and his girlfriend. I was not even invited, though I wouldn’t be able to go anyway due to the horrible pain I am in all the damn time.

I balled my eyes out so much for so long last night that they were still swollen this morning. I have not been able to sleep much this entire week either. I went to my pain doctor appointment this morning and I couldn’t be seen because the doctor went home sick. No one called me. I endured the very painful ride all the way to the place and back home again. They said I have to call next Monday for a new appointment. I told them that it would have to be in August and they said that was fine. I am not scheduling anything in July so I can focus on healing after my surgery.

That is if I even make it to my surgery. I have never wanted God to come take me back home as much as I have since last night and all through today. My depression upon the pain, has me walking very slowly with a limp and shooting pain. I have a look on my face like I am extremely tired and miserable, because I am. I feel like a heavy blanket of darkness is wrapped around me and pressing me down to the ground. My head is thick and cloudy. My eyes are burning, red and heavy. I have times where I suddenly feel I can no longer keep my eyes open and they roll up in my head. My neck and shoulders throb and ache horribly! For some strange reason, every time I lay in bed, I itch all over my body. If I can, I will wash my sheets again tomorrow, though I just washed them three days ago. My stomach growls and cramps like I am starving even after I eat. I have been eating way too much. Who cares, I will just get fat again. No attention whether I am thin or fat so it doesn’t really matter does it. The weight loss did not help with my pain either.

I wish I liked alcohol, then I could escape these feelings for a while. I hate the way alcohol tastes and I get sick from even a small amount of it. I just want to not feel anything or care about anything! I am maxed out and I am unable to handle the level I am at now. I need relief, someway or somehow!

So, tomorrow I will be here all day and evening with just my daughter and grandson. Maybe I will find a way to get into the pool and float or walk in the water. It always helped with my pain levels before. Except, it is supposed to be storming tomorrow. Figures!

I laid down the law today. I created a list of house rules and gave everyone here a copy. I then went over it all with them and informed them that violations would be write ups and three write ups would be eviction from my house. I should of done it a long time ago, but I just got to the point where I am completely done! If I have to kick them all out, so be it! No more crap will I take! Even if I end up loosing my house down the road if everyone is gone and I can’t afford to pay the utility bills, so be it! In the rules I listed that I am to be treated with respect, they are to do their chores every day and they will act like adults, get along with no fighting. There were ten rules. I am giving them a warning when they are about to break a rule for a few days to get them used to it, then it is all on them.

I need to get out of this funk and get this house cleaned before I am laid up for two months, but it doesn’t seem like it will happen. I have been dragged down so many times for so long, I fear that I am actually stuck here this time. Maybe I can get myself to bake something tomorrow, that usually helps with my mood when it is so low. All I can do is see what tomorrow has in store for me. The good news is, most of the people here will be gone all day, so much less crap to deal with. There isn’t jack to eat around here and I have been looking repeatedly for things to eat. There is stuff like candy and bread, the things not good for you at all. I have been eating it too, since it constantly feel like I am starving. I had popcorn for dinner tonight. I am off to bed and I am praying for a long, deep sleep………….

Messed Up Night…

The day started off ok, then my daughter started being bitchy so I ended up walking down to the neighbors house to get away from the house. When I got to the neighbors house my son was there and when I stated that I had to leave the house because of my daughter, my son got pissed off and started bitching at me about my daughter yet again. I do not need the stress, I am supposed to be calming myself down and preparing for surgery. My son basically told me that my husband is going to leave me and that he and his girlfriend were going to leave all because my daughter is in this house too. He also said he hasn’t done his chore of vacuuming and he isn’t going to do it as long as my daughter is here.

So, I went home to try to vacuum. I am able to do the hard floors no problem, but the throw rugs are very hard for me to vacuum, so my daughter did that for me. I then went and took a shower and was thinking about what my son said about my husband leaving me. When I got out of the shower I texted my husband and asked if he had said that. He didn’t respond until my forth text and then he just said he was too busy to talk right now. I was overwhelmed with that. I expected him to say no in a response. So I texted him that I would come up to the store. Then that I was now leaving and that I would be parked out back when he had a free moment. I tried to drive there and ended up with a horrible leg cramp… I had to pull over and wait for it to pass. Then I drove back home and took my medications and texted him that I was home and couldn’t make it, he said he would call me and he did. He admitted to saying that he was going to leave because he is so fed up with things here and that he is miserable. He says he hates my daughter, but can never say why he hates her.

I began to cry and shut down. I wanted to just die right now. I actually repeatedly begged god to take me back home right now! Then, my son came out and started bitching at me again, for two solid hours until he threw the house phone. I then picked up the pieces of the phone and put it back together and made sure it worked. I placed it on the base to charge and I went to my room and shut the door and locked it. I went to use the bathroom and my daughter was knocking on the door. She said my son stole her pack of cigarettes. Here we go again. I told her to go see if mine were still outside and she could have one of them. Then My son came into my bathroom where I was sitting on the toilet and started bitching at me again. Now my daughter comes in saying she wants to talk to me. I told her to wait until my son was done, but the two of them started arguing and my son shoved her and then she tried to shove herself into my bathroom passed him, where he shoved her head into the door jam and then she fell on the floor in my bathroom. My son then took his drink of coke and liquor and threw it all over my daughter, me, my dog and my entire bathroom. My daughter then called the cops..

Three cops showed up, they made my son sit down, took my daughters statement and then my sons and then asked me what I saw. Then they told my son to leave for the night. A report was filed. My daughter is sitting her as I type this and just going on and on about how she wants her cigarettes that he took and I won’t do anything about it. What am I supposed to do. I could make her pay him the money he was owed, I couldn’t make him keep watching my grandson and so on…. I’m done with this crap though!

Either I go back home to be with god or I throw everyone out of this house and then I loose it because I won’t be able to pay the utilities. Maybe I will be so stressed out I will die while I am on the operating table. I am just trying to make it to my surgery and through my recovery of 6-8 weeks. After that, I can just pack up and leave if need be or maybe my parents will find a way to help me pay the utility bills here and I will stay here. I have never in my life begged God to take me back home with him like I did tonight. I even imagined a rope around my neck as I sat there and cried my eyes out. How simple and painless it seemed to be to strangle yourself. Kids have died doing it with belts and neckties. I imagine you would just pass out and die. Restricted blood flow, pass out, blood flow stays restricted and then you are dead.

I have to go clean my bathroom now, all the soda and liquor all over it. I have to get up early to go to my pain doctor in the morning. My husband won’t respond to any of my texts. Tomorrow I will get a DNR drawn up and I will request to change the paperwork where I allowed a blood transfusion if I needed one, to not allowing one. If I go, let me stay gone………….

Deeply Depressed…

I am in the pits of depression. I feel so exhausted. I am unable to find anything positive. Living in this home full of self centered people who only care about themselves. This entire day I have felt like I am just going to pass out. When I lay down I don’t sleep, but it can’t keep my eyes open.

It is almost a drunk feeling, almost. My body and mind are so warn out it can no longer take a single thing. Happiness has long been gone. A smile has not touched my face in so long. Every single day is filled with negative crap coming at me from my very own offspring.

It’s hot and humid outside. It is like this all summer long, until late October. It makes me feel like crap. My skin is covered in claminess. My body drags along. My mind is swimming in a sea of despair. I want it all to just end. There is no escape here on earth.

I could stay in bed all day, yet my mind will not let me sleep. Just lay there with my eyes closed. Then, my body itches. In different places all over. I wish I could find just an ounce of joy. Anything at all that would bring a smile upon my very frowning face.

Sluggish…. Barely able to move… Even the light hurts my eyes… How does one have such horrible offspring? They were not raised to be this way. My hands are tied. There is nothing I can do, they are adults. Even though they live in my home… There is no escaping them. No where I can go on earth to end the constant negative vibrations that they put forth towards me. They surely must hate me in order to be so horrible to me. They are not grateful for the fact they have a mother or a roof over their heads. They do not care that I am ill and in constant pain. Nor do they care that I will be having major surgery with a long recovery time. They only care about themselves and what they want or get.

I cannot run from my mental problems. No matter where I go they are always with me. My entire life I have had these demons called depression and anxiety. Even as a small child, they were always with me. Making my life suck every minute of every day. I have tried to run from them and it doesn’t work. Everywhere I go, they are right there with me.

I have actually hoped for cancer just so I could be done with life once and for all. That’s pretty bad. Or that I would go to sleep and just never wake up. 24/7 I am in pain and depressed. With adult children that cause so much chaos and negativity, it is impossible to bring myself up above the darkness. Nothing feels good anymore. I can’t even have an orgasm. Nothing………….

Wham… Destruction, Chaos & Depression…

I had two days where everything and everyone was calm. I even was able to get some cleaning done. It is amazing how stress and the people around you can deeply affect your pain levels and mood.

Yesterday, my daughter received her final check from work. She decided not to pay my son for the babysitting he did that week. Even though I told her it was wrong to do that! My son spent the entire day and night bitching at me and telling me I had better do something about it or he was going to have fits of rage and destroy things. He then took anything his girlfriend bought for the house and put it in his bedroom, which included the fabric softener I have her buy since I pay for the stuff and make the laundry detergent. I told him not to do the crap to me and make my life even more of a hell or take it out on my grandson. He said they would not be taking him to his therapy appointments anymore. Hours upon hours of him going at me and telling me I better kick my daughter and grandson out of this house or I would have hell to pay. Of course, my pain levels went through the roof. I cried and I told my daughter she had better find a way to fix this mess she created. She feels like she did no wrong since he refused to watch her son and she had to quit working. They are both way too immature!

Instead of being glad they actually have a mother and roof over their head, they are making my life a living hell. My son even told me that I was going to loose everyone if I allowed my daughter to stay here. Wow! Last night I decided I was no longer going to struggle and fight to stay alive. Not in this hell I live in. I just can’t do it anymore. My pain levels are beyond help when I have to deal with them and their petty crap. I am going to give it all until Wednesday and see if he does all the crappy things he has threatened, then I will decide if I need to dig really deep down inside for the strength to get me out of this hell I live in. I had thought things were finally settling down and I might actually get to live and survive this life.

I finally heard from the hospital about my hysterectomy surgery. They said it would be after next Tuesday before they could call me with my surgery date. That the doctor was out until then and he had to look at their OR schedule and his schedule and see when he could fit me in. Geeze, now if wonder how long it will be before I finally get the surgery. I have felt hungry all the time and been eating way too much, I have gained almost ten pounds in this last month. Not good. Depression, stress, worry and pain are just sucking the life right out of me! My family actually could help me through all of this and help me have less pain if they would grow up and get along and put me before their own crap. They will be very sorry one day, but it will be way too late by then. The stress of it all also has me smoking way too much.

I cannot even sit here without horrible crushing pain. I was unable to go out for breakfast this morning because of the intensity of the pain. I don’t get the offer to go out very often and it sucks that I was unable to go today! I wish I would just go to sleep and never wake up. I know when you finally give up completely, your body will die. Why I continue to hold on to even the tiniest of things is beyond me. I more than deserve some peace in my life. I do the right thing and I always care for others. I have lived through way too many tragedies in this life too. Shall I count the ways……

1. Lost my son to a car accident when he was 16 in 2003!
2. Lost my sister to cancer in 2000!
3. Survived a gang attack in 2010!
4. 2nd husband cheated and left and I lost everything I worked years for in 2006!
5. I survived being poisoned by that same husband too!
6. Deathly ill in 1984 with mono which I had again in 2006!
7. Tonsils removed in 1983, tubal in 1992 & gallbladder in 2005!
8. Had a lingering case of 5th disease back in 1994, was extremely ill for months on end!
9. 16 years of mental abuse from 2nd husband 1990-2006!
10. Given a conclusion from hubby #2 in 1991!
11. Current husband up and left me in 2009 for 5/6 weeks!
12. Years of severe panic attacks and agoraphobia where I couldn’t leave my home for six months at a time, which reoccurred every two years like clock work. 1995-2001, sporadic issues since as well.
13. Physically abused by youngest son in 2006 & 2007!
14. Severe depression, panic attacks, anxiety and borderline personality disorder for most of my life!
15. Locking my bedroom door at night for fear of my son!
16. Living with absolutely no support what so ever from my family!
17. Multiple counts of rape!
18. Molested as a child by more than one person!

I could keep going, but that’s the jest of it all I guess. The top traumas being the loss of my son and surviving the gang attack. Both of those left me with PTSD issues and deep trauma that has never healed. There is no way to get over the loss of your child. He was the one child I had that was always here for me and we were very close. I ask myself often what the hell I had done that was so horrible to deserve this life. If I could go back to around age 14, I would change it all in a heartbeat. I would never have children, the pain of loosing one and then dealing with the hell the other two have given me! I would pay attention in school and go on to college and make a career for myself that I loved. I would never have to count on anyone else. But, we cannot go back and change anything. We only have what is right now, before us. There is not much I can do with the way things are. I have to get out one way or another. Whether I physically up and leave or I go back to live with God again. There has to be an end to this nightmare. I could go live with my parents, though I will have loneliness issues there. I cannot run from my mental problems, they are always with me. I am going to be 45 this year and I cannot even remember a joyous time in my life, even as a child I was riddled with fear and panic. I feel like I am backed into a corner. It’s pretty sad when you have to leave the house you own in order to survive any further in life. I could toss everyone out, but I wouldn’t be able to pay the utility bills. I ran my own business and made very good money. I have lived both ends of the stick, rich and poor. I worked hard and had everything I ever wanted, just to have it all ripped from me in a blink of an eye………….

Dark circles under my eyes. No make up, because it takes too much energy to apply! This is where I spend most of my life, in the bathroom, alone!