For the entire day Friday, I spent it in complete silence without any electronics. I don’t use electronics much anyway, so that was not hard. I was practicing being in the present moment. I had many times I had to acknowledge thoughts and release them, but I also had times were I was just completely still and silent even in my thoughts.
I did find that my pain gets so great that I need to distract my mind. I spent years finding ways to keep my mind busy and away from the pain. What I did was, draw and write in a journal. I had a few hours of pain so great I did not think I would make it. So, have constructive ways to distract your mind is important when you suffer from chronic pain.
I like the silence and I like going with the flow, without time! I chose a rock out of my yard, a decent size and weight, I carry this with me at all times and when I think a negative thought I push it into the Rock. This is a beneficial practice. It took me a couple of years to learn to live without time as much as possible. My anxiety and panic would always get out of control when I had appointments, etc. what I did was, schedule the appointment in my tablet and on Sunday every week I check for any appointments. I set an alarm for when I need to be up and ready for the appointment. This has reduced my anxiety down to a 24 hour period instead of days on end. I try very hard to only have one appointment a week, as I know I will become agitated and need to recover. I rarely drive, unless it is some place very close to home, like the grocery store and my general Doctor. These are coping techniques I put in place to get through life on a more tolerable level. Even if I am going to go on a date, I have a great deal of anxiety and tension. This has lead me to choose not to even bother with dating or looking for a partner. I need to completely focus on me and learn to love me completely. I never thought I would see the day that I did not feel I needed a man in my life. I have reached that place and I like it very much. No other person can make you happy, only you have that power over yourself.
We all have to find what works for ourselves. What helps us get through each day of our lives. Back in 1995, when the panic attacks began out of nowhere, I was in great disbelief for months. When I finally accepted what was happening was Panic, I began to read everything I could find on the disorder. I decided that meditation was the route to take. I found a few guided meditations that I could listen to and I began a journey on learning to meditate. Meditation is extremely helpful with panic and anxiety disorders. The Panic came like clock work every two years and lasted for 6 months. I would also become agoraphobic during this time! I could not leave my home, so I would begin meditation daily once again. After 6 months, it would stop as quickly as it began, but while it was occurring I felt very ill 24/7! Much like having the flu that never went away. The panic episodes hit me every two years, 1995, 1997, 1999, 2001… In 2001, I asked to be put on Paxil as it was the one medication that was supposed to help panic. It did help, but I still had 6 months of panic, feeling ill and agoraphobia. It was like taking the edge off of it all. Then in 2003, my son died in a car accident. I was so depressed, I did not get out of the bed for months. I immediately put myself in counseling weekly and group therapy weekly. I was put on several different medications until I found what worked decent enough. Xanax, Effexor and Trazadone. I was far from cured, but I was able to get myself to my appointments (which were only a mile away) and I began seeking what things I could do to help myself get through the nightmare of my life. Little did I know, the nightmare had just begun!
2006 my husband cheated, got on drugs and left. I lost my dream home and had to move back to GA where I still had a small house. Here in GA, they refused to give me the Xanax , so I have been on Ativan which is not quick acting. I remarried, it was great for two years, then his true self came out, a liar & thief! He left and came back after 6 weeks in 2009. I was beat by a gang going after my neighbor in 2010. Then the chronic pain began and never left! I was in a wheelchair, could not walk. Finally found a doctor that helped enough to get me walking again. Last year I had a cancer scare, a hysterectomy, became deathly ill and had to have a huge surgery to save my life and my husband cheated and left me. So here I am, trying to survive on $810 a month disability with a mortgage and I do not have enough funds to cover the electric bill. No place here can help me, I really miss southern IL! But I am grateful for my home and my pets and if I have to I will live without electricity………….