Why Me?

My life has been full of so many negative things, I cannot help but think, “Why Me?” When things go wrong…

I woke today to increased pain in my lumbar spine and tailbone. Mind you, I have pain 24/7, but this was even more intense than my usual pain. I still pushed forward and was in a good mood. It takes a lot of positive thoughts to get me to the point of a decent mood, yet I try to achieve this every day and often fail miserably. I was careful not to do anything to effect the level of pain I was already in. I was only up a matter for two hours when the mail came. I opened a letter that I had been waiting for, and then the stress over took me. Me being an honest person and following the rules, I reported the back child support I was receiving for the next few weeks, so they had terminated the extra help I was getting to cover my deductible and co insurance. The problem is the deductible and co insurance now comes to more than the small amount I will be receiving for the short time to come. I am always struggling. Trying to find ways to have food to eat and the things we all need to survive. Keeping my mind occupied is one of the few things I can do to keep my pain from overwhelming me to the point of suicide. Which is very hard to do with no money. I don’t know what I am going to do! I need my medications, I am on nine different medications for several disorders and health conditions. I am scared and so very tired of struggling to survive. I have my three year old grandson and I do not receive any help from his parents for the things he needs. He always comes first no matter what. Which is how I have lost over 40 pounds, lack of food for me.

So the stress and worry brought my anxiety levels up, my pain levels even higher and the panic attacks came full force. Why do I struggle and fight so hard to get through each and every day only to keep having crap thrown at me? What do I do in January when I cannot pay full price for my prescriptions until my deductible is met? I won’t be able to get my prescriptions and most of them come with a mountain of problems when stopped. And you can surely forget about Christmas! So Yes, Why Me?!!! I’m tired of this life! With its panic, anxiety, pain, depression and excessive worry. I really do not think I can keep doing this life. I have pushed and made it another ten years since my son died and had even more problems added to my plate. I guess when the time comes and I become very ill, I will have an easier time choosing to leave. What can one person possible tolerate before they just cannot push forward anymore!?!

There it is, today’s added stress. My head is throbbing, yet I am still here. My panic and anxiety have a death grip upon me. My pain is overwhelming in its self. I miss my son! I wish it could all be like it was the year before he died. When I ran my own business and made enough money to never worry about food or anything we needed. I wasn’t in pain then either. And most importantly, my son was still alive!