The Pain is Just Too Much…

For months now, every single thing I do on my feet; like walking or any form of bending, immediately increases my pain so much that I feel like I am being crushed to death from my waist down!  I have to get to a padded place to sit ASAP to stop the sharpness of it.  Now I find myself not wanting to get out of the chair at all.  I do everything I can from a padded chair on wheels, but now I can’t even seem to walk to the bathroom without suffering.  I so wish I could get a slim power chair that would fit inthe doorways inside my house, then I would not have to get on my feet or suffer through so damn much pain.  I have pain even sitting, but with medication I can deal with that pain usually.  

I had a bad headache for 2 days straight and today the headache is gone, but my head doesn’t feel right.  Much like it tends to feel the day after a migraine.  When I get migraines I always get a floater in my vision first, which I did not have happen.  It wasn’t a migraine, just a bad non-stop headache for 2 days…😪

I am so tired, exhausted even, of being in so much pain.  I want to enjoy the beautiful weather outside, yet I can’t sit out there for long.  Even on a pile of pillows!  I wish I had something I could lay on outside.  I am feeling very down & depressed, who wouldn’t in my shoes.  I don’t have anyone to comfort me or be a part of my life, so I sometimes feel lonely.  I have been feeling that a lot the last few days.  Yet, I can’t even think about ever dealing with another man after having 3 failed marriages and several men that are liars in my life.  I have been just me, by choice, for almost 3 years now.  Normally I am perfectly fine with that.  I guess I feel like it would be nice to just have a good friend.  Though, in the amount of pain I have now, I would be a very good friend to even have…😢

There seems to be no point at all to my life, other than constant pain and what feels like torture.  I literally have NO Life.  I HATE leaving my house, because of the pain and the panic & anxiety crap I deal with.  I would go to the neighbors occasionally if I had a power chair to get there in and to be able to sit there in.  Other than that, I have NO desire to ever leave my home.  I literally only leave my home for appointments and once a month I go to the store for groceries.  I have become a hermit I guess…🏡

Keeping my mind busy is Important, that keeps my mind off the pain.  I am so uncomfortable and have so much pain, that there isn’t much I can do to keep my mind busy anymore.  I always would clean to keep my mind busy, now it has become too painful for me even in the rolling padded chair…😖💺

I don’t know what else to do.  I am finally scheduled for the blocks across my low back, but it isn’t until November 29th!!!  If those blocks help at all, then I will be scheduled for ablation; which is basically radio frequency burning of the nerves.  The nerves will grow back, but I could get 3 months to 3 years of relief in that area.  Unfortunately, I have several bad areas.  The left side of my neck is constantly in pain and has been for 7 years.  Sometimes the pain is really bad!  Both my feet are numb, yet feel like they are being crushed!  My entire low back, both butt cheeks, both hips and both legs.  The left side is even more painful than the right side.  For 7 years I have progressively gotten worse and the painful areas have spread out farther.  Needless to say, I am MISERABLE!!!  I need my living hell to end!  😫😭😰

I have tried everything I possibly can to help me.  Why do I have to be poor!  If I had money then I could buy a power chair.  Even taking a shower is enormously painful!  I force myself through that pain once a week.  I can’t even sit in the bathtub to soak, too painful there too.  I give up!  I pray I die in my sleep and soon…..🛌 ☠ ⏳… No one should ever have to suffer in so much pain!  

Now they are taking pain medication away from people who need it just to function.  Chronic pain patients!  I fear what hell I will be forced to live when that happens to me.  I know how horrid the pain is without medication.  Why doesn’t my body just give up and die already?  So many people that have lost their pain medication have killed themselves.  They couldn’t take the pain anymore.  Pain medication is there for this reason, so no one has to suffer.  Yet, you have to jump through hoops just to finally get any pain medication and you are never given enough to really cover your pain.  I can’t help but wonder if the governments plan is for chronic pain patients to end their lives, why else would they just take it away suddenly!   I am tired of the fear I have for if and when that happens to me.  With all of the CDC’s BS going on over Opioids, chronic Pain Patients are being screwed over and even treated like addicts.  News flag, chronic pain patients don’t abuse their meds and they are regularly drug tested among many other things that provethey are compliant. Drug addicts don’t start out with a prescription from a doctor.  The CDC is grouping Heroin in with pain medications as Opioids.  Many addicts have died from street drugs like heroin and illicit fentanyl, it is NOT the compliant chronic pain patients!  Yet we are the ones who are suffering………….😡😤😖