Beautiful weather today, but pain is intense…

Today has been absolutely gorgeous! 77 degrees with a nice breeze. I just love the Fall and temperatures in the 70’s, but for some reason my pain goes through the roof at the same time. I still have the A/C on because it’s going to be 90 again in the next couple of days and it gets a bit to warm in the late afternoon which heats the house up too much. However, the issue is the fact that every year my pain gets so bad in Fall that I end up in a wheel chair. This does not make sense to me. The beautiful weather should help keep my pain to a minimum. It’s not rainy or cloudy out so it has nothing to do with that. The pressure is good. For the last few years my pain has been so bad that I have been in a wheelchair for Halloween. I do not want to go through that again this year. I just wish I understood the correlation between fall and my pain. I am in the south and it’s so nice, weather wise in the Fall. I could see my pain increasing due to it being cold or hot outside. So what is it?

As I sit here typing this my left hip is robbing in deep pain. My lower back and tailbone feel like they are crushing into me. A deep in the bone pain, much like a ice cream headache, is flowing down my left leg. I wish I could make this hell just go away!

I love Halloween! Every year we decorate the back porch and set up a scary walk down our driveway onto the back porch where the kids get their candy. Every prop I have I made myself. I have always loved doing this and after my son died, I did Not do Halloween for several years. Each year people say how they appreciate our efforts in creating a haunted walk, because no one does it anymore. So many kids cannot go to a haunted house, because it costs $20 or more to get into one here. I have always liked to make it special and scary. I remember being a kid and there was always a scary haunted house, no matter where I lived. It takes two months of a little bit here and a little bit there to make it all happen. Just being able to get candy to pass out has to be done in very small amounts over a very long time. Yet, we always do all we can. Then I became ill and had the chronic pain over come my life. Three years now. If not for the others here, I would not be able to do a single thing for Halloween. I am grateful for the fact we can still make it a special day.

I have lost so many things I love in life because of this pain. There has to be a way to make my life a more enjoyable one. I go to my appointments and I do everything the doctors tell me to do. But they have not tried to correct anything. They insisted on a dozen injections that never helped and since then they just see me every two months and they do not seem to even care or hear what I am telling them. I know there are other therapies out there to try. How do you get your doctor to try them? I have begged for the spinal cord stimulator in hopes I could just not feel all this pain anymore, but they refused to do it. I want a real shot at a decent and enjoyable life! Everyone deserves that…

Why Me?

My life has been full of so many negative things, I cannot help but think, “Why Me?” When things go wrong…

I woke today to increased pain in my lumbar spine and tailbone. Mind you, I have pain 24/7, but this was even more intense than my usual pain. I still pushed forward and was in a good mood. It takes a lot of positive thoughts to get me to the point of a decent mood, yet I try to achieve this every day and often fail miserably. I was careful not to do anything to effect the level of pain I was already in. I was only up a matter for two hours when the mail came. I opened a letter that I had been waiting for, and then the stress over took me. Me being an honest person and following the rules, I reported the back child support I was receiving for the next few weeks, so they had terminated the extra help I was getting to cover my deductible and co insurance. The problem is the deductible and co insurance now comes to more than the small amount I will be receiving for the short time to come. I am always struggling. Trying to find ways to have food to eat and the things we all need to survive. Keeping my mind occupied is one of the few things I can do to keep my pain from overwhelming me to the point of suicide. Which is very hard to do with no money. I don’t know what I am going to do! I need my medications, I am on nine different medications for several disorders and health conditions. I am scared and so very tired of struggling to survive. I have my three year old grandson and I do not receive any help from his parents for the things he needs. He always comes first no matter what. Which is how I have lost over 40 pounds, lack of food for me.

So the stress and worry brought my anxiety levels up, my pain levels even higher and the panic attacks came full force. Why do I struggle and fight so hard to get through each and every day only to keep having crap thrown at me? What do I do in January when I cannot pay full price for my prescriptions until my deductible is met? I won’t be able to get my prescriptions and most of them come with a mountain of problems when stopped. And you can surely forget about Christmas! So Yes, Why Me?!!! I’m tired of this life! With its panic, anxiety, pain, depression and excessive worry. I really do not think I can keep doing this life. I have pushed and made it another ten years since my son died and had even more problems added to my plate. I guess when the time comes and I become very ill, I will have an easier time choosing to leave. What can one person possible tolerate before they just cannot push forward anymore!?!

There it is, today’s added stress. My head is throbbing, yet I am still here. My panic and anxiety have a death grip upon me. My pain is overwhelming in its self. I miss my son! I wish it could all be like it was the year before he died. When I ran my own business and made enough money to never worry about food or anything we needed. I wasn’t in pain then either. And most importantly, my son was still alive!

When the Panic began….

It was Late Spring 1995… I was working my Accounting internship at a Landscaping business. I was responsible for the basic paperwork and accounting for the business while I was over seen by the Accountant who had been there for a while. Down here in Augusta, Ga it gets super hot in the summer. The one thing I immediately was worried about with this job, was that they did not have air conditioning. But, it was spring and only time would tell. The owners wife ran a little flower shop out of the Landscaping business as well. Everyone seemed pleasant enough. Things began to get weird, the owner was forcing everyone to participate in a prayer session in the mornings. I didn’t really mind that since I had my own prayers I was sending out during this time. Shortly there after, I noticed the owner was talking to himself in his truck every morning. He said that Jesus talked to him every day. To each is own I say! Then he began shutting my office door and locking it, putting his hands upon me and telling me that Jesus was coming to kill me. Me, being the strong minded individual I was, just ignored his BS and carried on. However, after about two weeks of this I noticed I started to feel sick all the time. At first I assumed it was due to the heat and all the chemicals that where in the building with me plus no A/C! Here is what happened in the beginning, for a typical day:

Wake up to my alarm. Get my three kids ready for daycare (at this time, May, school was out). Get everyone in the car and drive to daycare. While driving I felt dizzy or lightheaded. Arrive at daycare and bring kids in to there classes. The dizziness would get me real good as I would go to leave the building. Out of no where! This happened several times over the course of a week, getting worse each day, until I passed out in the reception area at daycare. I assured everyone I was just fine, maybe caught a bug and would then continue on my way to work. The entire drive I would feel very dizzy and ill. I would continue to feel dizzy and sick while at work and after the day I passed out, I started having to leave and go home to lay down. I would be there about 2 hours and then just feel so sick I had to go home. I would drive directly home and go to bed. Believing I surely must have some kind of bug! This happened for a few days, then I felt so ill I just couldn’t even try to go into work. My husband, at the time, would take the kids to daycare so I could rest and hopefully get over what ever I had. My kids were ages 3, 6 and 8 at this time. By the end of the next week, I had missed the full week of work and was still feeling very ill. Out of no where, I suddenly felt terrified! I found myself peeking out the windows like someone was out there and they were going to kill me. I became so terrified of this, that I then was unable to be home alone. I was scared to death and freaking out if I was alone. Mind you, I had three kids, was married and we all lived with my parents in a big house. All the adults had jobs during the day. I had one close friend and I would go over to her house (she lived on the street behind us) and lay in the bed in her spare bedroom all day, feeling sick, but had to have the door open so I could hear and see her. If she was not available I would take a pillow and a portable little tv and lay on the floor of my fathers office while he was at work. I have no idea what my parents or anyone else was thinking was wrong with me. I just felt very ill all the time and if I was alone I would freak out feeling super terrified, my heart would race and the fear engulfed me. Now, after about two more weeks of this all, I was standing in the living room, everyone was home because it was the weekend and out of no where I suddenly felt like my heart was racing so fast it was going to rip out of my chest, my lips become tight and numb, my arms and legs were tingling and I was engulfed in so much fear. Fear feeding the physical symptoms more and more. I was terrified! I just knew I was going to die! My husband took me to the ER when I requested to go, feeling I was going to just die at any moment. As I sat in the ER, I felt I was being completely ignored and I was dying! Next thing I knew my lips were puckered out, all my extremities were numb and I felt extremely dizzy, I fell forward out of my chair onto the floor. I curled into a fetal position! I was yelling in terror! The nurse got a bed for me to lay on and and quickly wheeled me to a room by myself. They shut the door! They left me there and took my husband to fill out paperwork. My fear overcame me to the point I just had to yell for help! “Help me Please!” The nurse came in yelling at me that there were other patients with heart conditions and I needed to stop yelling. I told her I was dying and no one seemed to care. She just left! At that point my entire body stiffened and curled inward. I was paralyzed, unable to move! Lips puckered out and my face was contracted. My limbs stiff and hard yet curled inward and bent. I could barely even get a sound out of me. Then my parents came in the room and I remember looking at my mother and her saying…. “Oh Dear…” They took me to have a CT scan and I was still paralyzed. The doctor came in and the nurse injected something in my butt, which I found out later was a muscle relaxer. It felt like my entire body melted. I melted and was no longer paralyzed. The doctor said the scan was good and she believed I was having a Panic Attack. She wanted me to go see a therapist, gave me the number and sent me home. Now I am thinking, Panic attack? I doubt that very much! Something is seriously wrong with me and no one gives a rats ass! But I kept having the attacks. Still felt sick 24/7 and had several full blown horrible panic attacks a day. Still unable to be alone. So I went to the therapist. She talked to me about panic attacks and gave me a prescription for Xanax to take when I felt the attack starting, I was to see her at least once a month but she preferred more often if possible. At this time, it was almost impossible for me to go anywhere. I would have an attack if I was in the car and if I tried to go to a store, I would have an attack. I couldn’t drive because as soon as I would get in the car I would have a panic attack. I was diagnosed with Panic Attacks with Agoraphobia. I did not like taking any medications and would only take ibuprofen when I was getting a migraine, but I gave in and took the Xanax when my next attack started, which was very often, every single day, multiple times a day! The horror of it all! You feel terrified, you just know your dying and the physical symptoms alone is pure torture! The Xanax would ease the panic attack so I would not be in a full blown, paralyzed state. As soon as I felt the heart racing and limbs tingling I would take one. Within 15 minutes I would relax some and not end up paralyzed. However, I still had multiple attacks a day, everyday! I was grateful to not end up paralyzed though. I still felt sick 24/7 and still was unable to even take care of my children. At this point i was two months into all of this. I read everything I could find on panic and decided I was going to do something about it, even though I still believed I surely was dying. I chose to make myself do guided meditations everyday whether I liked it or not. Every single day I did the guided meditations. I noticed after a month I was feeling not as sick all day and the panic attacks eased up by doin got he breathing I learned in meditation. I could go directly to bed and do deep rhythmic breathing and then go to sleep instead of freaking completely out. I did this for a total of six months and finally the panic attacks stopped. It was now the end of January and as fast as the attacks came on, they were suddenly gone. I was thrilled! I found a job and graduated from college and then we even bought our own house. However, like clockwork, my panic and agoraphobia would come back every single two years. I would immediately do the meditations, but still would feel sick 24/7, however, the meditations did help me cope with it much better. They started in 1995 then they came back in 1997, lasted six months and then stopped. Only to return again in 1999 and last six months then stop. And again in 2001, which was when I decided I needed to be on some type of medication in hopes of stopping this cycle and I went on Paxil. The Paxil made it all a bit more tolerable but I was still agoraphobic!

In 2003 my oldest son died in a car accident, age 16! I guess the grief and depression over ruled the panic that year and I was in bed for six months. Since then I have found that instead of coming on out of no where every two years and lasting six months, I have problems with panic and agoraphobia at any given time and day. I can do great for a month, then wham I am freaking out. I have been on a few medications since my sons death. I moved away for five years then moved back to the house I owned. While I was gone I had a great team of doctors and therapists and I was on a good combination of medications, but when I came back here they refused to prescribe some of the medications I needed and put me on different ones. So I had to find a way to cope with life now. I Rarely ever leave the house, I Do Not drive! I basically stay home and mostly in my room. I take Ativan for the panic, which I have to take every day and cannot just take when an attack comes on! Sucks! I am on Effexor and I take Trazadone to sleep since I also have insomnia! My way of coping is to not leave the house unless I feel like I want to go to the store for something. I take my medication on schedule and I do NOT look at people while I am out. I found pretending no one is there is the only way I can be in the store. I don’t see anything that is going one there! I just go to where ever the things I need are and then check out and go home. Unfortunately, I also have severe chronic pain now. So on top of the Panic with Agoraphobia and Anxiety disorder with Severe depression, I also have to deal with severe chronic pain every day of my life! But that is a entire different subject than what I am on today… We all have to find a way to survive and cope with our disorders. I say what ever you find that works and has you in the least amount of physical and emotional pain is right choice for you!

The Aftermath from Panic…

This is the day after the major Panic episode. I have calmed down and I do not feel panicky, but I have not come out of my room at all today. Isolation! This happens after a major episode often, but it is really bad today because after the Panic last night, my son decided to go off on me.

That’s right, my adult son who lives with me, has a drinking problem and plays video games decided that was a good time to tell me how he and his girlfriend were fooling around in his bedroom while he was supposed to be watching my grandson. My grandson is three years old. I guess he was watching TV and they decided it was ok to mess around since he was occupied. He became enraged when I stated my annoyance over the fact he was not being responsible by doing that while he was to be watching his nephew. Because I said he was not responsible and it was not the right thing to do, he went off! He felt I was saying how horrible he was. He said every time he tries to talk to me I don’t listen to him or share in his stories like I did with my oldest son until he died. I then was screamed and cussed at for some time. I explained why it bothered me and it did not matter. He just kept on. I told him he needed to leave my home if he was going to talk to me that way, all he had to say to that was, that he would love to see me try to get an eviction when I do not have the money. So my night was horrible! I was able to calm down once he left me alone and I went to bed. I stay hidden in my bedroom in my own home because of him and it is just NOT RIGHT!

Everyone says to kick him out. I have twice in the past. I have come to the point in this, that I feel everyone would be better off if he was not here anymore. I cannot tolerate that sort of behavior. He used to do this to me often, then when his sister left, he did much better. At first I thought he must be drunk, but he was not drunk, yet! Then I figured it had to do with his diabetes. He is insulin dependent and does not take care of it, at all. He is on an insulin pump. He became Insulin Dependent Diabetic at age 9 when a virus attacked his pancreas. Things have been going off for a while now with him mentally. The drinking and not taking care of himself has caught up to him. When he was young and I took care of it all for him, he did great. Then he became a teenager that was much to big for me to control and full of anger. I worry about him, yet I know I cannot live like this anymore. He has no where else to go. His father has nothing to do with him. His girlfriends mother kicked them both out when they lived up their with her. He helps out with my grandson. I need help because of my severe chronic pain and some days I cannot get out of bed. But I will say this, I am feeling I can figure it out if need be. I MUST have Peace in my OWN Home!

I envy the people I went to school with that have nice children. Their kids show them respect. My kids were all three raised the same. One had respect, one only cared about herself ever and one that goes both ways, however rarely is respectful towards me. I would never speak you parents the way two of mine have and do speak to me. Som elf the most hurtful things I have ever heard came out of their mouths! I did finally get to the point of no return with my daughter and I have not let her come back home and she is never allowed to come back home. She begged me to get her son, for the second time, over a year ago when she took off for a month. I went and got him, but refused to allow he back. So I do know that I can do it. I took a lot of hell from my daughter and repeatedly took her back home until I got to the point, that I am now, and said NO MORE! No matter how much you love your children, you can only allow to be abused so much. Oh how I wish I had a daughter that was my friend now as an adult and we did things together. But she chose drugs and drugs are what always made her evil. Drugs and alcohol! How I wish my son would take care of his health, stop drinking and respect me as I do my mother. The rate he is going, he won’t make it to old age.

I chose to write a blog to express my feelings and the issues I go through. To get them out there and maybe someone else would benefit from it all. My cousin says I am brave to share so much. I do not feel brave, I feel like a trapped glowing soul full of life. Trapped under the layers of despair and abuse. Trapped in a shell of Panic, Anxiety, Depression and severe chronic pain. There is ONE reason I am here……. My grandson! If not for m, I would not be here right now. I would of left a long long time ago…