This Life I Have Lived…

I don’t know if it is the full moon or what, but I have been flooded with memories of my life.  All sad, nothing good.  After all, all good things are short lived.  I really should of ended my life when I was a teenager like I wanted too…

I was raped twice, at age 15 and again at age 21.  My father groped me when I was 19.  My childhood involved mental and physical abuse, only to be followed by three husbands that did roughly the same things.  I have never been able to handle crowds or being around a lot of people.  I asked for mental help in my teen years, only to be told that we don’t do that sort of thing.  It is no wonder I am the mess in which I am, just looking at all I have lived through…

Why do I continue to think I might miss something if I am no longer here?  I have NO evidence of that.  Life has proven to me that there will always be pain and suffering.  Come on, I don’t even have a vehicle or a working oven.  Yes, I just thought about Thanskgiving and how I have no way to cook a turkey or any of the other things I always make…

I had a doctors appointment yesterday at 9:20am.  Yesterday was also the death anniversary of my son, 14 years now.  I arrived at the appointment at 9:15am.  After I sat in a busy waiting room (I don’t do well with that) for 25 minutes, I began to have a panic attack and I had to get out of there as fast as my pain riddled body would allow.  Yes, I left, I had too.  Even after returning to my home and taking anxiety medication, I continued for hours to have panic, anxiety and just craziness.  I couldn’t even call the doctor to explain and rescheduled until 3pm.  See, I HAVE to see my doctor, because I HAVE to see him in order to get him to write a letter stating why I need to be on anxiety meds in order for my pain doctor to continue to prescribe me pain meds.  WTF!  The pain doctor read some study stating that people on pain meds and benzodiazepines have a greater risk of death.  Just more BS for me to try to deal with.  I looked into these studies and guess what?  It was due to people being new to the meds, which I am not, and people that also drank alcohol, which I do not!  If I don’t have both of those meds, I am 10 times more likely to end my suffering.  Maybe I should write that up in a letter to the doctor.  

The BS doesn’t stop there.  My general doctor has been prescribeng my mental health meds ever since  my psychiatrist dropped me saying my insurance wasn’t paying.  It took me a year to get in with that damn psychiatrist.  I finally found a psychiatrist under my insurance and made an appointment.  They said I had to see the counselor in order to see the psychiatrist, which was fine with me.  I went for my initial intake appointment.  She wanted to see me every week, but I don’t have a damn vehicle and I have to get a ride from my daughter in law, so I set up to return the following week, but said I would have to do every two weeks after that.  Anyway, they called me the day before my return appointment and told me that my secondary insurance did not have mental health coverage activated on it and I would have to pay $40 everytime I came in. WTF…. I am disabled due to mental health related issues, how the hell do I not have that coverage!  I get the extra help from the state because my income is so freaking low!  I absolutely hate this state, it sucks beyond sucking.  So, I have to call said insurance to try to fix this problem, but I haven’t been able to do it, because my panic won’t let it happen right now.  I did email them and they sent me the contact info of whom I need to converse with in regards to this issue.  Needless to say, I cannot return to see them since I don’t have money to pay them.  Right back to square one again.  

Honestly, it just amazes me that I even get out of bed every day.  I wish I could just sleep all of the time, but my pain won’t allow that!  Oh, let’s not forget that I have to go to court on Monday.  A creditor that is owed a chunk of money is going after me for it.  In my divorce my ex was made responsible for this debt, but you have to be taken to court in order for them to even go after who is responsible.  Great fun, not!  I will have to get up hours before I have to leave.  Get just enough anxiety medication in me to be able to go there.  Wear clothes required by court that will make me entirely too hot and sick.  Survive through the appointment and get my butt back to my safe place, home!  I hate leaving my house!  Have I mentioned how hot it is here?  It feels like hell, literally.  From the 90’s through the 100’s with high humidity…

I did make Frosted Fudge Brownies last night.  I wanted them so I made it happen, then I ate too much and got ill.  Now I still have the mess in the kitchen to clean up.  My life is on a constant repeat.  After I can finally get my body moving, I clean the kitchen from a chair, then I wipe down all the surfaces in the house and I vacuum while in a chair.  This takes hours and hours.  By the time that is done, I hurt so bad I have to sit in a chair with a pile of pillows and I watch tv to try to occupy my mind until I can go to bed.  I wake in the early morning and have to get out of bed, due to the pain, then I repeat it all over again and again. Some life huh…

Look how fat I am getting…

Also, a pic of the brownies…

Advertisements

Chronic Pain…

Since 2010, I have been in constant pain.  Not just one area, but multiple areas.  Sometimes the pain is tolerable, but still always there.  Most of the time the pain is bad and occasionally it is so bad I can’t stand it anymore.  Any form of bending over jacks my pain up enormously!  So what, do I just sit back or lay down my entire life?  I can’t do that…

I spend 4 hours most days trying to get the basic chores done.  I do one little thing, then I have to sit on pillows for a while, then I do another little thing and so on.  In this window of time, I try my hardest to just clean up my little kitchen, wipe down surfaces and vacuum the small area that I sit in.  Four hours!  I have discovered that I feel better mentally when things are in there place and all is clean.  So day after day, on a repeat cycle, I push myself through pain and do a little thing at a time, just to have a better mental being and to get some movemnet daily.  Then I sit back in a big chair filled with pillows until I am able to go to sleep.  Mind you, the first four hours I am awake, I am unable to do anything.  So 4 hours of trying to get where I can move around, then 4 hours of tidying up with tons of breaks and around 7 hours of waiting to sleep.  This is my life…

The days I have appointments, I am unable to do anything other than try to not have a full blown panic attack, go to the appointment and get back home.  My Panic and Anxiety disorders greatly increase my pain, because my body tenses up and that causes it all to go crazy.  I have suffered with panic and anxiety for 22 years now.  Yes, this is my life…

I have no desire to be with another, yet occasionally I feel pretty lonely.  I have gained weight, stopped wearing makeup and let my hair grow out just so I am not bothered by men.  I have been through hell and back too many times to count.  I am basically just waiting to die.  No socialization, I don’t even want to be around people, but I do miss having a close friend here.  Day after day, all the same…

What really pisses me off is how those of us who are poor cannot get adequate relief.  We are ignored simply because we cannot pay.  There are so many things that could help me, yet I have no way to get those things.  Just trying to survive on a very small fixed income with a mortgage.  I no longer even have a vehicle.  I get $200 a month to buy food with.  The cheapest things are not good for you.  Just being able to afford to eat healthy would help.  So here I remain, on the repeat cycle and isolated from everything…

Natural Cleaning…

I wanted to share what I do and use when cleaning.  I go the natural and very inexpensive route…

MICROWAVE:  Place 1 cup of water in a 2 cup glass measuring cup.  Add 1 Tablespoon of Lemon Juice.  Place in microwave and cook for 3 minutes, then let it sit for a few minutes.  This steams the inside and makes it very easy to wipe all the cooked on gunk right out!

SINK:  I sanitize my sink every week.  I rinse the entire sink and faucet with hot water, then I sprinkle baking soda all over.  I put extra baking soda in and around the drain.  I use a spray bottle with either white vinegar or apple cider vinegar and spray all over.  This creates a foaming action.  I then drizzle some soap around and use a brush to scrub everywhere.  Make sure to get in the nooks and crannies of the faucet and drain areas.  I then pour vinegar down the drain, this cleans and deodorizes very well and it also helps keep your drain lines open.  Next I rinse thoroughly with hot water.  You will need to rinse your rag out several times or use the sprayer on very low to help rinse everywhere.  Then I dry the sink with a towel.  I take a rage and rub a little olive oil all over, followed by a dry rage to buff.  This help keep the sink clean much longer!

COUNTER & STOVE:  I use essential oils for this cleaning.  I make my own Thieves Oil Blend.  Recipe: 2 tsp. Clove E.O., 1 1/2 tsp. Lemon E.O., 1 tsp. Cinnamon Bark E.O., 3/4 tsp. Eucalyptus E.O., 1/2 tsp. Rosemary E.O.  Place all ingredients into a dark color glass bottle.  (I use a funnel for this).  Label the bottle, Thieves Oil, then use 20 drops in a 16 oz. spray bottle and fill with water to make your all purpose antibacterial cleaner.  Using this cleaner makes it very easy to wipe off cooked-on food on the stove and other areas.  Just spray, wait a few seconds and wipe.  

GLASS & MIRRORS:  I make my own glass cleaner as well.  16 oz. spray bottle. Mix 1 1/2 cups Hot Water and 1 Tablespoon of Cornstarch mix very well.  Add 1/4 cup Rubbing Alcohol, 1/4 cup White Vinegar. Mix well, then add to your spray bottle.  Be sure to shake well before every use.  You can also add 5 drops of Peppermint Essential Oil if you like.

BATHROOM CLEANER SPRAY:  This works very well.  16 oz. Glass Bottle.  Add 2 cups Hot Water to Bottle and 1 Tablespoon Borax.  Shake to mix thoroughly.  Add 1 Tablespoon of Dawn (or any other soap you prefer). Add 20 drops of Orange E.O., 20 drops of Tea Tree E.O. And 10 drops of Lavender E.O. Shake well before every use.

LAUNDRY DETERGENT: I have made this for many years and it works better than any store bought ones.  It is also very cheap to make.  All items can be found at Walmart.    1 Box of Borax, 1 Box of Super Washing Doda, 4 pounds of Baking Soda, 1 small container of Oxyclean, 2 Bars of Fels-Naptha or Zote Laundry Soap – Grated.  You can also buy the laundry soap flakes instead.  For scent – I add a bottle of Downy Crystals (optional). Mix all very well and use 2 Tablesppons for each load, up to 1/4 cup for heavy soiled loads.  Safe for HE washers too.

FABRIC SOFTENER:  I am allergic to fabric softener so I use white vinegar.  I fill the fabric softener section full with white vinegar and it works wonderful.  You do not smell it at all once the clothes are dry. BONUS: using vinegar in place of fabric softener fluffs towels and helps them stay absorbant. 

DISHWASHER DETERGENT:  Mix the following… 2 cups Borax, 2 cups Super Washing Soda, 6 Tablespoons Citric acid -or- 2 packets of Lemon Kool aid and 25 drops of Grapefruit or Lemon E.O.  Use the same as store bought to fill soap department.  Fill the rinse agent compartment with white vinegar.  The vinegar is important, it makes sure you do not have spots on your glasses.

DUSTING SPRAY:  I used an old Pledge Muilt-surface 16 oz. bottle, but you can use any spray bottle.  This is for wood.  Combine 1 Tablespoon Olive Oil, 1/4 cup white vinegar, 15-30 drops of Lemon E.O.  Fill up bottle with water. Shake before every use.  This really cleans well and keeps the wood conditioned.

Borax is an awesome cleaner.  I mix some with white vinegar and hot water to clean the baseboards, etc.  It cleans well and deodorizes.  I also use this to spot clean stains on the carpet.  So far, it has gotten up all stains on my carpets!

To keep you appliances running well and drain lines open, run a cup of white vinegar in an empty dishwasher every month.  Run 1 cup of white vinegar and 1/2 cup Baking Soda in an empty washing machine every month.  To clean the coffee maker run 1/2 the pot of water and 1/2 of white vinegar through the machine, then follow that with 2 pots of just water to rinse out.  For a Keurig, do 1/2 water and 1/2 white vinegar in the reservoir.  Run through a cup without anything else in the machine.  Start to run another cup through and when the fluid begins to come out into your cup, open the lid (where you would place a K-cup) and let it sit for an hour.  Then close the lid for it to finish making the cup.  Run one more cup through the machine, then dump the reservoir, clean it and fill with clean water. End by running 3 cups of the plain water through the machine.  I do this every month to keep the machine clean and running well.   

Revlon Review…

I was lucky enough to try the Revlon ColorStay- Angeled 2 in 1 eyeliner, brow pencil & crayon, Creme shadow and mascara…

All of these products stay on ALL day long!  Just Amazing to me.

The Kajal Angeled 2 in 1 Eyeliner is by far the best eyeliner I have ever used to date.  Never before have I been able to apply my eyeliner in one easy swipe.  It also has an Angeled brush on the other end for blending.  This eyeliner does not cry off either!  This is my absolute favorite of all…

The Brow Pencil is also Angeled, which makes applying in just the right spot very easy.  It has a brush on the other end, which allows you to get the look of brow hairs easily.  The Brow Crayon goes on in one easy stroke as well.  I had never used anything before to define my brows, but now I will continue to use these for beautiful definition.

The Super Length Mascara brought out my eye lashes like no other and it stays on all day.  This mascara did not irritate my eyes, like others, so I was able to keep it on all day long.

The Creme Eye Shadow has a brush inside the cap and application is a breeze.  I applied this to the inner corner of my eye in to the center and again just under my center brows.  This really opened up my eyes.

If you get a chance to try Revlon ColorStay, do it!  You will NOT regret it…

Major Venting….

I must have a sign on me that says… “If your a liar, talk to me”. I didn’t want a relationship or any man.  He came out of no where and wooed me, like no other.  He made promises I never once even asked for.  Then I find out he is a chronic liar and has done this before to another.  I deal with enough crap in my own life, why the heck did he have to pick me…

Of course, I do not want to be with anyone that is a liar, but it still hurts like hell.  I have never met a man that didn’t lie to me or that was even a man of his word.  I told him up front, right from the start, everything I deal with and how I wont be with a liar, cheater , etc.   I thought that would make sure I wasn’t hurt again.  I am so hurt and so angry that he did this to me.  What the hell?  

I am going to get fat so men just stay away from me period.  I am NEVER going to be in another relationship the rest of my suffering life!  It is hard enough to deal with the pain I live in every day, I can’t deal with this emotional hell on top of it.  It has been 5 days now, why can’t I get over it already?  To top it off, he won’t admit to the lies I have proof of.  Typical, if you don’t admit to it, it never happened.  I have been shit on by every single man in my entire life…  I struggle to survive every day.  From the pain, depression, no money, no vehicle and lack of any kind of healthy food available.  

My daughter got out of jail last week.  She is still doing good at staying away from the drugs.  I want to help her succeed, but my son won’t let me.  I am controlled in my own home.  I can’t pay the utilities and he said if I let my daughter stay here even one night they would leave.  Screw it, I am done with everything.  Leave then, I don’t care anymore…

The Present Moment…

They saying goes, that if we want to be happy and feel good, we need to remain inthe present moment.  Just this very moment, nothing else.  No Past or Future, no tomorrow or next hour, etc.  That is the secret in DBT, dialectical behavior therapy, which I did for 3 years straight.  The reason we don’t remember things, is because we do not pay attention to each present moment and what we are doing at that time.  It requires you to completely and only focus on right now…

Say you are sitting in a chair, you would describe to yourself exactly what you are doing right then.  “I am sitting in my chair, my legs are bent, I can hear birds chirping, I hear a car driving by, and so on!  The actual present moment.  The same applies to every thing we do. Washing dishes, focus on only that!  The problem is, I keep forgetting to be in the present moment…

We can only do the best we can.  I seem to have to constantly remind myself to just be in today, this hour, this minute.  Do not worry about anything else.  What will be, will be.  Go with the flow and flow with what may come.  It is a daily struggle for me.  Why does it have to be this difficult?  

For me, I have found my mental well being is effected by clutter and messiness.  So, every single day that my body allows me to, I do basic chores.  I feel like I can breathe better too.  I have to complete what I want done in a 2-3 hour window, after that my body won’t allow anything else to be done.  I have found I struggle every single day, in the evening, with depression.  When I have to sit with all the pillows and I try to focus on a TV show or movie.  If only my body would let me do more, to occupy my mind.  I feel down and ever so alone in the evening…

I do the best when I can keep my mind busy.  Living with Panic & Anxiety Disorders, I have become a hermit.  In order to keep my levels down, I avoid people and places when ever possible.  It took me years to figure out many of my triggers and years to stop paying attention to time.  Now I am stuck home even if I wanted to go somewhere, my vehicle died back in 2015, I have no way to fix it.  I also, am unable to eat healthy (which can help), since I have to eat an entire month and get what the household needs on $200!  Oh crap, this is what happens, the stress…forgetting the present moment…focusing on the chaos of my so called life…

It would be nice to have a friend just to even talk to once a week.  Someone to do something with even.  My so called boyfriend, that lives in WI, barely even talks to me anymore.  He lost his job and is dealing with depression, which I understand.  I don’t understand barely talking to me when he is the one that came after me, insisted we were the same and made promises he is not keeping.  Why do men do this crap?  Can anyone be a man of their word?  I am open and talk about everything, he insisted he was too, then why not talk to me about things?  So, he got my hopes up and then ripped the rug out from under me…………

…EXPECTATIONS…

I have trouble not having expectations of others and that always leaves me full of disappointment.  I was raised to act right, because that’s what was expected of me.  There for, I was raised to have expectations…

I have tried so hard to just let go of those expectations, but they are so deep inside of me, that they are automatic.  We can only depend on ourselves and thinking someone else will do what we would do, is great expectations of that person, which leaves us totally disappointed.  We only ever really have ourselves and we can only ever really rely on ourselves…

The Expectations of Others, Has No Place in Happiness!  Time and time again, I have fully believed what someone else has said to me or promised me, only to be greatly disappointed when they do not hold true to their promises.  Why is it so hard to NOT have Expectations? How can one really stop having expectations, when they were told their entire life to have them?  Act right, because the world expects you too!  Why couldn’t I have been raised and taught to only rely on myself?  That would of been a huge help in life…

We create our own reality, by the thoughts we have and the things we voice.  I firmly believe this to be true.  I repeat every day over and over again, “Peace, Love, Happiness and Joy”. When one is happy, everything else is easier to handle.  I have seen this to be true myself.  Even my chronic pain is easier to handle when I am Happy!  We think others will make us happy, when in reality, only WE can bring happiness into our lives…

Everything in life is a choice.  Yes, choices of others can effect us, but in our own lives we make choices constantly.  When to get out of bed, what to wear, when to eat, etc.  of course, things can happen that we did not choose, like a child dying or cancer.  There enlies the profound words of, “Everything Happens for a reason!”  This, I also believe, to be very true.  Sometimes we never know the reason and other times we do.  The reason could have been for another person or something greater than we can know in this life.  This is where your own spiritual beliefs come into play.  I believe we are our souls, not these bodies.  That we are just renting them for the experiences here and we go on after these bodies die.  So, what you believe can help you are hinder you…

We can only truly control ourselves!  No one else!  We can control if we choose to react in a positive way or a negative way to things.  We control our own choices.  We can NEVER control another, just ourselves.  We should not even try to control anyone else, this also leads to disappointment.  Because thinking you can control someone or change them, is an expectation!  All we can do is continue on in the very moment we are in and know that this is our own life.  Try your best to choose Happiness and always come from a place of Love…

I would really like to know your opinions of what I have written here.  Please feel free to comment them to me………….