Tired of being screwed because I am Poor…

I have shopped at Amazon.com for many many years.  Now they have made several items I get only available to Prime Members.  I try to survive on my very small disability income and I do everything I possibly can to obtain gift cards for Amazon in order to get things I need.  They also have increased the minimum purchase for free shipping if you are not Prime to $49!  I would get Prime if I could, but I cannot!  I am so tired of being screwed over because I am poor…

I messaged them in regaurds to this and of course, no one really cares!  They gave my a $20 Promotion Code.  I still can’t buy many things I used to get there cheaper than anywhere now, because I can not afford Prime!  Maybe if enough poor people complained to Amazon they would do something about it.  Every place is just after money and for themselves.  What ever happened to caring people, the ones who would help others?  It seems that the world has long been only about themselves…

I live every moment of my life in Pain, Chronic Pain, that is never gone; but often gets horrid!  When you are poor, you’re not able to obtain help that could benefit you or get supplements that may help you and so on…

I have a mortgage and I get $810 a month!  I can’t even cover all of the utilities, yet where I live, I cannot even get help with them!  I cannot live anywhere else for as low as my mortgage is either.  I am very grateful for my home though!  I just wish I wasn’t constantly screwed over…

I often see posts about how people who get Foodstamps eat so well.  It sure is not the case for me.  Tell me how I am supposed to eat on $150 a month?  I do not have any money to buy an extra food either, so what I get on Foodstamps is it!  I feel best when I eat healthy, yet I can afford to do that…

I no longer have a running vehicle, I am unable to repair it, because I have NO money!  There is rotten wood on my house, but I can’t fix it, because I have nothing left after the mortgage and what I can cover of utilities!  I am at my wits end, as if it isn’t horrid enough to live every single day of my life in pain………….

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Struggling with ???’s…

Every year my pain gets worse and spreads.  The doctors say my nerves are permanently damaged and there is nothing they can do for me, other than the pain meds I currently take.  These meds do help some with the pain, but they do not stop it from getting worse or spreading.  Every single thing I do, requires great effort and uses up what energy I do have!

I have struggled my entire life with depression.  I have been on medications that make it worse and cause suicidal thoughts.  Of course, I stopped those meds!  Now I am battling a depression that just won’t ease up.  Most of it is due to the pain.  Everytime I have to stand on my feet or walk, even just to the bathroom, it is horrible!  I try so hard every single day, to occupy my mind and not let the depression suck me completely down, which wears me out quickly…

One of my nieces came for four days to visit me, from last Thursday until this Monday.  It was very nice to see her.  She is the only one, in my entire family, that has ever come here and she has been here twice!  That just adds to the depressed thoughts.  I have always been there for everyone in my family, yet they are not here for me!  

Do I really want to spend another year or years with the pain getting even worse?  I am disabled and try to survive on $810 a month and I have a mortgage.  The only food I can get is with the $107 in Foodstamps I get, for the entire month!  I am tired of trying to find things to eat, which are always not good for you.  The cheapest food is not healthy food!  I feel the best when I eat only naturally occurring foods.  I tried to grow them, but I can’t afford the additive to the ground or anything to treat the disease that keeps killing them off.  They do great half way through, then always die or are eaten by pests…

Why have I been married three times and the last two husbands had to cheat then leave me?  I never once said no to sex, yet they would tell me no…  One was for 16 years and the last one was for 8 years…  I have come to a place, either from being burned so much by men or because of the hysterectomy in 2014, that I do NOT want to even tolerate another man.  I do not try to date or find someone.  I did for a few month over a year ago, but that is when I found I just can’t trust or stand another man…

Now my gas oven no longer works and I can’t afford to fix it or get another one.  The microwave quit a while ago.  The fridge goes out occasionally right now.  My coffee maker quit working yesterday!  I have nothing to get another with…

I am only here in this house and not living with my parents, so my son has a roof over his head.  He is insulin dependent and resistant.  He can’t work, when he has tried he gets extremely ill.  I already lost my oldest son to a car accident, my daughter is a drug addict and I will loose my youngest too.  My daughter is only allowed to stop by to see me with prior approval and can only stay up to two hours, because she is strung out so bad!  I had to let my grandson, which I raised from birth to age five, go live with his father last year!  Which is far away…

So, why do I continue to stay here on earth and deal with all of this hell?  Things continue to get worse and will…  I have been through so much, I should write a book.   I know people who have killed themselves after going through one of the things I have been though.  I am told I am strong, because I am still here!  In reality, I am here, because I am to scared to die…  That is NOT strong!  So, I am questioning a lot of things now.  Why do I continue to torture myself?………….

Being in the Here & Now…

One thing we must learn is how to be in the present moment.  This takes practice!  For a while, the mind will keep bringing up thoughts of the past or even the future.  The past is over and cannot be changed.  The future has not happened.  

Each day, take what ever time you possibly can to practice being mindful.  In the present moment.  Start by doing three deep and slow cleansing breaths.  Relax your body!  Then, just pay attention to what is going on right now!  Involving your five senses.  What do you hear?  What do you see?  What do you smell?  What do you taste?  What do you feel?  

Every time a thought of past or future pops into your mind, acknowledge that thought, then tell yourself that is the past or has not happened yet and return to being in the present moment.  At first, your mind will bring up thoughts a lot!  Be persistent, you can over come those thoughts.  After all, your are the one in control of yourself.  

You can do ANYTHING you put your mind to and with practice.  We are beautiful creatures of the light/love.  After I almost died and had to have a very large surgery to save my life, I had no balance or muscle left in my body.  I took it one day at a time and I would spend a few minutes just trying to stand on one foot.  At first, I had to hold on to a chair, but after a while I was able to let go of the chair and finally, I could stand on one foot for a long time.  This is true for anything you want to obtain.  Start small and give it your best each and every day!  There is nothing you cannot do!

Here is an exercise for when you feel down, that I have found to be helpful.  Look in the mirror, smile at yourself!  Smiling actually releases chemicals in the brain that help us feel better and looking at yourself as you force a smile on your face is pretty funny!  The next thing you know, you are smiling without even trying to smile.  

Starting your day on a positive loving note is the best way to begin.  Be sure you get enough sleep!  Take in at least three deep and slow breaths to cleanse your body.  Think of things you are grateful for and say them out loud!  Still feeling down?  Go to the mirror and smile at yourself!  Exercise is also a great way to release feel good chemicals in the body.  If you have never exercised before, then just do some slow stretches or even basic yoga poses.  Taking a walk is one of the best ways to get exercise into your life.  I think walking is the number one form of exercise.  Try to take in those three deep slow breaths several times a day.  Be sure to practice being in the present moment!  You will not be disappointedly!  It is amazing what happens after you practice this on a daily basis and you get past the thoughts from popping up in your mind.  Nature is an amazing and beautiful place…………

  

Finding our Light/Love…

We all come here with the same purpose, to find our light within and help it grow.  Our light is our soul.  Light is Love and all thing positive are of Love.  Everything else is not of love and therefore negative.  Each and everyone of us is of the light.  We are born to this world that is full of all kinds of negativity.  We only learn from negative things.  So, life is filled with trials, tribulations and learning.  Children are very connected to the light.  The younger they are, the more they are connected.  Society plays a huge roll in masking their light.  We basically come here with amnesia of who we are and where we come from, with the common goal of remembering.  Children do not have the stress of bills and making ends meet and they are free to go with the flow of their light.

Every single thing we do is a choice.  When we wake up, what clothes we wear, what we eat, where we go, how we react to things, etc.   We either choose from the light/love or from the negative/not love.  

Nothing in this life can make you happy, only you have that ability.  No object or person can make this happen.  An object or person may feel like happiness temporarily, but that happiness is fleating and does not last.  We are the only ones with the power to create happiness for ourselves.  We only have control over ourselves.  We control the choices we make and cannot control what someone else chooses to do.  This is why so many rich people are not happy, because you cannot buy happiness.  You cannot buy anything that is of the light and love!  Money can make life easier, with less stress of paying bills and obtaining the basic needs of life.  We truly only do need food, clothing and shelter.

So, you focus on your very own light/love.  You grow your light until it fills you completely and then you can help others find and grow there own light.  This is why it feels so good to help someone else, because that comes from love and only love can lift us up!  

How does one do this?  Know that life here on earth is not real.  The only thing that is real is love/light.  You take time every single day, if even just ten minutes, and you breathe slowly, deeply and relax your physical body.  The more you do this, the easier it becomes to relax.  Guided meditations are very good for beginners.  They walk you through the steps of breathing and relaxing your body.  There are many out there, just find the one that seems to click for you.  

Being in the present moment… This is very important.  Even if you only find the time to do this during a meal or during a break, do it!  You focus only on what is going on right now!  Notice your breath, what do you hear?  What do you smell?  What do you taste?  What does something feel like?  Using your five senses you explore the here and now.  Not the past or the future, just what is going on right now.  When you have thoughts enter your mind of the past or the future, anything that is not right now, acknowledge them and return to the present moment!  This will happen, often, at first.  You are teaching yourself how to be in this very moment without worries or concerns of what has happened or what might happen.  Because reality is ONLY what is going on right NOW!  

The key is to train your body to relax and focus on the here and now only.  Once you do this, you can begin to find out who your really are.  Not what someone else wants you to be.  What is fun for you?  For me, I actually enjoy cleaning and doing crafts.  Learn about yourself as you would a new friend.  You are your own best friend and you are never alone!  Build a loving relationship with yourself!  This is how you find happiness.  It has always been within you!  Trust, honor and cherish yourself, as you would do with a best friend.  Choose always from your light/LOVE and you create a beautiful future for yourself and anyone around you………….
  
ME…

Fighting the Darkness of Depression…

I have had a bad week, as I often do.  I can’t seem to get away from the darkness of my depression and the thoughts of ending my torment once and for all.  What actually stopped me, my son.  I thought of him finding me and the pain he would go through.  I can honestly say that it is only my son that keeps me on this earth now.  I just can’t leave him like that.  He is 23 and chances are good that he will die way before I do.  You see, he is insulin dependent diabetic and doesn’t take care of his diabetes as he should.  It takes about 15 years to kill an organ with high blood glucose.  He suddenly became diabetic at age nine when a virus attacked and killed his pancreas.  The least I could do is hold on and be here for him for the rest of his life.  He is unable to hold down a job, because his diabetes is extremely resistant to insulin and is often off the charts or so low he can barely function.

I have struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts my ENTIRE life!  As if dealing with that and chronic pain was not  enough, I now find myself struggling and stressed out, no end, on how to pay the electric bill every month.  My old van has not been running well and the battery has finally died.  How does one get things they need just to survive, when one has no money?  It is all way too much for me to deal with.  At my age, I should not be in this position, but I married three worthless men, that I spent years building their credit and their self esteem, just for them to cheat on me and leave…

I have finally come to the point in my life where I am happy to be just me, without a man!  Yet, I cannot enjoy this!  I have to worry and stress and try to find things to sell, just to survive.  We get two actual full meals a week, because we can only get the food we can purchase with the Foodstamps we are allowed.  $300 a month for the two of us and the cost of food is insane.  I try to get fruit and vegetables, anything I possibly can that is good for us.  We eat a lot of rice!  I wasn’t raised to be like this or in this position, which makes it all the more degrading!  I am disabled and cannot work, for so many reasons it is nuts.  I rarely am able to drive myself anywhere.  I have to live on $810 a month.  My mortgage is $500 each month.  The gas runs around $60 right now and the water is about $75-$80.  The electric bill, this last month, was $305!  The insurance, I am required to have on my old ass van, is $78 per month.  How am I supposed to make it?   Ugh….. I don’t know what to do anymore.  I have called everywhere for any help I can find.  Where I live, there is not help available.  I do know that I cannot keep going like this.  I have begged my family and everyone I know, but no one can help.

So, the last week I have been extremely down in the darkness of depression.  I allowed myself to rest and not push myself to do anything.  Normally, this helps me get past it, but I am still here and it is very dark!  I have reached out to a few friends, just to talk, but I have been ignored or told that what I feel is wrong.  I know that if I did end my life, those people would feel sad and say that they wished they could of helped me.  I just need someone to listen to me and maybe offer up some words of encouragement.  Yet, I cannot find it, anywhere!  God bless my mother and one sister.  They have tried as best they can to be here for me.  They are the only two that even put forth an ounce of effort for me.   My birthday is Saturday, I will be 46 years old at 1:21 am EST.  I have heard people say, after someone committed suicide, that they wished that person would of reached out to them, maybe they could of helped.  I am willing to bet they did reach out and they found that they were really all alone, as I have found.  I have been told things like, “You are too pretty to feel that way.”  Really?!?  Or, “Comeon now, you can’t do that to the people that love you!”  

A year ago I was dying and had to have a huge surgery to save my life, because a doctor screwed up horribly!  My sister talked me into suing, but I can’t even get an attorney to call me back.  It is like everything and everyone just ignores me and I don’t even exist.  Honestly, the money would help me survive the remaining years I have and I went through a nightmare that never should of happened.  What do I have to do in order to be seen or heard?  What will people say at my funeral?  Will they say I didn’t reach out to them?  Will they say that they wished they could of helped me?  I beg God on a daily basis, just to help me survive with the basic necessities.  Food, clothing and shelter.  Just to be able to comfortably pay the required bills, eat and get where I need to go.  On top of all of this, my psychiatrist in which it took me a year to finally get in with, decided to just drop me because my insurance wasn’t paying fast enough.  I have glaucoma and have had it since age 29, that doctor decided they were not taking my secondary insurance anymore and would see me if I could pay 20%.  How does one do that when they cant even buy food or cover their electric bill?  So, I am not on the drops I need and my vision is all messed up because of it!  What do I have to do just to survive?  Oh and then there is the bill collectors.  So much fun with the phone ringing daily and the Bs involving all of that too.   I know I don’t deserve this crap.  How did I get here?  How do I get out of here?………….

Emotions Unidentifiable …

Twice a year I clean out the cabinet where all the memories of my deceased son lives.  A few things I put together in remembrance of him.  It is emotional every time I clean this cabinet out.  It has been over 12 years and I still have so much inside of me.  Numerous doctors have stated that I have not dealt with my son’s death.  I asked them all, Then how do I deal with it?  They offer up things like, except that he is gone.  I have excepted that.  Sort through your emotions, I have done this so many times.  Go through each of the stages of Grief, Ha… I have done that as well.  I have also read tons of books.  How does one get over the death of their child?

I have been full of all kinds of emotions, yet I am not sure what I am actually feeling.  I met a real nice man, but I just don’t want any kind of relationship and for some reason men always want a damn relationship with me.  I want some good friends and then see what happens.  I really need to identify these emotions and work on them.

I have been non stop busy since I returned home from seeing my family in northern Illinois.  I kicked my daughter out almost a month ago, been home about ten days and every day I am cleaning and organizing another area of the house.  To get it back to good shape.  She destroyed so much.  I still have another ten days worth of cleaning to be done.  Since I can only tackle on decent size thing or two small things a day, due to the chronic pain.  It is getting there though.  It is finally peaceful in my home!  I miss my grandson though.  He went to live with his father before I returned from my trip.  He is safe and happy there, but he has been with me since he was born!  So many emotions!

All I can do is try to keep myself busy until it is all done, then get back to going to the gym three times a week.  I have been in a pain flare the last four days as well!  The gym helps me keep loose and build muscles to support the pain areas.  I have not been in two months………….
   
 

My Trip to visit Family after 9 Years…

I left my house on May 21st and I do not return home until June 30th.  I have been here for 4 weeks now.  It has been nice seeing my family after so long.  I have seen a few friends from high school as well and I am amazed at how we pick up right where we left off as if it has not been almost 30 years.  

Unfortunately, one of the guys I knew in high school is not currently the man I thought he was.  Live and learn and move on.  I refuse to allow anyone in my life that does not fit well.  No more will I have someone who has to drink in my life or someone who does drugs.  If they can’t make me a priority, then so long.  I really do prefer the life of friends instead of relationships.  Relationships always end up being a disappointment to me, due to expectations.  I like being care free and free for the most part.  Carefree in my relationships.  Unfortunately, I am unable to be carefree when it comes to my family.  That is about to change!

My daughter has repeatedly gone back to drugs and I had to kick her out again.  This was and is the final time she will ever be allowed back.  She constantly chose drugs over her own child and disrespected me in every way, even though she lived in my home.  I now have to struggle to find a way to pay the two bills that were her responsibility instead of paying me rent, but I will figure it out!  I can finally get my house back in order and live a much more peaceful life when I return home.  The daily screaming and cussing that came out of her mouth as soon as she woke will be no more.  

I have 11 more days here.  I have found myself becoming bored and I definitely made this trip way too long, but it also gives me time to think and review where I am now.  I still have times where I get so depressed that suicide crosses my mind.  The absolute peace and no more worry of it all.  But I have the little bit of doubt inside as to what happens to us when we die.  That keeps me here.  I have been rough so much it is a good thing I don’t care for alcohol, because I am sure if I liked it, I would be a drunk by now.  The weather here is so nice.  Today is beautiful, in the 70’s and a gorgeous breeze.  Back home it’s is near 100 and ever so humid!  

No matter what, we must keep that ounce of hope alive within us that things will one day be much better.  Carry ourselves through the rough patches and hard times.  Arrive at a place of beauty and peace.  I often wish I could go back and make different choices so I did not have to endure so much heart ache, but those things did make me who I am today and I am a very good person.  For that, I am proud………….