Going Down…

I seem to be continuing to go down hill.  The intractable chronic pain just keeps getting worse.  I am barely able to do the basic clean up of the kitchen and what I do get done, is ALWAYS from my padded chair on wheels.  I am tired of constantly suffering.  Feeling like I am being tortured day after day.  I do not have a support system at all.  I need help, but there is none.  The pain just makes the depression worse…

I had my 3 month visit with my pain management nurse practitioner.  I asked about radio frequency ablation and they do that there.  First, you have to have a block done to the area to see if it will actually help, before they do the ablation.  Now I wait a couple of weeks for my insurance to authorize the block, then I will be scheduled, most likely in September sometime.  If the block helps the area, then they will schedule the radio frequency ablation.  That is where they use radio frequency to basically kill the nerve, but the nerve will regrow. One can expect 3 months up to 3 years of relief.  I have so many areas that need to be addressed, but first we are doing the two main nerves that run on each side of the lower back.  Since they never listened to me for over five years about my feet going numb and then the pain there too, even if they were able to uncompress those nerves. It has been so long, that I wouldn’t regain the feeling in my feet.  I just want the damn crushing pain to stop!  I get to upset at the fact they never listen to me.  It didn’t show in the MRI’s, I had to have painful nerve conduction testing done and yet they still have done nothing with that.  I said I need to have an MRI with contrast, because they are missing way too much.  I will push for that in December I guess…

I honestly can not keep doing this!  7 years of this painful hell!  The pain gets worse and spreads every year.  I cannot be on my feet walking, standing or bending without horrid crushing pain from hell.  I have NO life!  Now I can’t even do the basic chores that need to be done.  I find myself begging God to take me in my sleep and end my living hell.  I wish I could sleep, but I am lucky to even do that at night.  Sleep is my only escape and the only place I have a life, in my dreams.  I have struggled with depression my entire life and I have battled Panic disorder for over 22 years now.  Taking a shower is extremely painful.  I need a small shower chair that will fit in there, but I have no money for anything I need.  I force myself to shower once a week, that is all I can take.  I am hungry and of course there is not one thing healthy to eat here.  Every month the same food costs even more…

There is NO joy in my life, just pain and suffering.  I just want to be done with this life.  All of the things I have lived through, for what!  My birthday was last Tuesday, now I am 48 years old.  I feel 90.   Even sitting on my thick pillow is painful anymore.  Why…. Why must of be left to suffer!  If only I had the courage just to end it all., but I don’t.  How anyone can say that someone is a coward or took the easy way out, when they take their own life, really hasn’t got a clue………….

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4 thoughts on “Going Down…

  1. Grainne says:

    Hey there, my friend. I’m so sorry, as always that you always have to struggle so hard just to keep going WITH the pain. It makes me so sad, the state of your medical care. In Canada, our system is far from perfect but at the very least, you don’t have to just sit there in agony waiting for a chance for pain relief that may never arrive. Here, you can call services to pick you up and drive you to medically necessary appointments…it seems so inhumane that they leave you there in such pain, doing nothing to help you.

    Is your son and his GF still living with you? Could there be some kind of agreement arranged where they have to help you with medical stuff? I know they don’t clean up much and I don’t think they work (does she have a job?) but I can’t help but wonder why they don’t find a way to pick up a junker vehicle that will run you back and forth to medical appointments, at least. It doesn’t have to be a great car….just something that works and can be maintained. I seriously think your kids owe you some help here…you have done everything for them – even your daughter when she was treating you like you were worth nothing as you desperately tried to raise her son and find him as much food as possible, to your own detriment.

    I work in a hospital and may have access to a safety seat for your tub. I don’t know the cost of it, but if it’s reasonably priced, do you think it would really help you with showering? I can talk to the managers in OT and see if I can get a deal from them so I can get you one. Do you think it would help? Even though it’s such a little thing? (I’ll do that for you, and pay for it, if you think it would improve your quality of life in even a small way). Let me know your thoughts? xx

    • Yes I do believe the shower chair (small round one) would help me a lot with the pain of taking a shower. If you can get one, that would be amazing! thank you…

      Yes they both live here and she does work and she has a car. She takes me to my appointments. She helps cover the bills that I have no way of paying. They have been doing some more around here, but I need more help. They just don’t get it. What it is like for me.

      My daughter is still somewhere in the next county over, on drugs. All the probation officers have been looking for her, since she has not reported in for months now, but she is still free. All she cares about it drugs…😢

      I have found a natural herb that seems to help with some of the pain, but I can only take it for short spells. Even though it is a natural and legal herb, I can’t risk loosing what meds I do get if they decide they have an issue with me taking it. Luckily, they did not reduce my meds at my last appointment. I really need more than what I get,but the USA has decided to have a war on opioids and all it hurts are the law abiding chronic pain patients. So many are loosing their meds and ending their lives. Everything I do around here,always has to be done from my padded chair on wheels. At least I get something done every day… Thank you so much for thinking of me!

      • Grainne says:

        I think of you often…you know that! xox When I’m at work on Monday I’ll email you a few pictures of what I can get my hands on with dimentions and such. I’ll see if I can find a supplier in the States that will work with our usual suppliers and take my credit card over the phone so they can send it right to you without going through customs. Will be in touch Monday or Tuesday. I’ve always wanted to help you somehow….this is one small way I know I can accomplish for sure. xox Talk soon!

      • Thank you so very much! I do know you think of me, your a amazing friend…. Xxxoooxxx

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