That’s It, I Am Done…

My pain doctor said I had to get a letter from my other doctor that prescribes my anxiety medication in order to continue to get my pain meds.  The letter needs to state why I need to take the medication and that there are no other alternatives.  I am disabled with Panic Disorder and Agoraphobia, that alone should state why I need the medication.  For 22 years I have fought the panic with agoraphobia cycles.  Today, my other doctor told me that he won’t do the letter, because it will make him liable if I die.  After I explained repeatedly and cried telling him I have already been through every medication out there over the last two decades and I am on the only one that even slightly helps, he still refused.  Now my anxiety medication has been taken away and I am given antihistamines.  I already know this road.  First I will withdrawal which is horrible and then the antihistamines will make me tired and increase my major depression.  So by doing this, the doctor has now greatly increased the chance that I will end my own life…

I cannot deal with anymore crap.  I am already struggling to survive and barely able to leave my home for appointments.  My sister tells me I eat too much bad food and I will be just fine if I eat healthy.  Hey guess what, I have $200 a month to get what the household needs and feed myself.  I can’t stand long to really cook much either.  All she did was make me feel even crappier and more depressed.  I don’t know why I keep reaching out to my siblings, it is never supportive or loving.  I have three siblings still alive.  Not one of them can even comprehend what I deal with, since they have not ever gone through any of my demons.  They have never had panic or agoraphobia or depression or chronic pain, etc.  I read that people can survive even cancer when they have a good support system.  Guess what….. I don’t have a support system at all…

I am exhausted, warn out, too damn tired!  I can’t even see right from all the stress, panic, anxiety (yes, panic and anxiety are two completely different things) and crying today.  I have fought hard and long to survive, now it is time for me to rest!  I so long for eternal peace.  I mentally and physically cannot do another thing.  I feel drunk, yet I don’t drink.  That is what all of this has done to me just today.  I give up!  I shall sleep while I can, because sleep will be fleeting without my medication………….

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