The Dreary Winter Months…

Every year, since my son passed away, I fight the darkness of depression from Halloween into the New Year.  For the last 2 years, we have no been able to have a Christmas here, no money for that.  I try hard to just pretend it is just another day.  I do not decorate for it…

I know that moving to my parents is the best for me, but in order to do that, I have to find homes for my animals.  My dog is very old and one of the cats as well, so it would be best to put them down, but that costs money.  Every time I think about it I get very stressed out and I have to push it all away and not think about it or I end up with a Panic Attack!  I also need too have a Yard Sale, but I need help and I don’t have help.  So, here I am just trying to get through each day as it comes. Never knowing when I will be able to deal with it enough to take care of it all…

For 3 days now, it has been cold, cloudy and raining.  The lack of sunlight increases the depression.  It also increases my pain!  Getting through each day has been very difficult!  I am unable to do anything unless I am in a chair with pillows to sit on.  As I tried to clean up the kitchen, I fell out of the chair.  Just wonderful…

I have not felt another’s touch in over a year now.  I get lonely, but I can’t stand the thought of dealing with someone else.  I have become much more isolated and antisocial.  I often wonder why I have had three marriages end.  I fought to save the last two, but they were immature and cheaters.  I always said I would marry three times maximum and if the third one didn’t work out, I would be completely done and I am.  I don’t even have a life anymore.  Every day is the same.  This is NO Life at all.  Struggling just to survive, unable to afford to eat right, no one to help me and every moment is filled with chronic pain and depression, wondering when I will finally get to be done with this life…

I am having a Nerve Block on the 21st this month, praying it helps me some.  The problem is I have pain in so many areas, but it would be nice to not have one of the areas crushing me every day!   I truly feel like I am just wasting away.  Every single year, it gets worse!  My vehicle died over a year ago and my son’s girlfriends vehicle hasn’t run in five months now, yet they have not done a damn thing about it and getting to appoiappointments has  become very difficult.  So, I have been watching a lot of TV to occupy my mind away from everything!  Not being able to move much, has caused me to gain weight as well!  Like I said, no life at all………….

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