Ramblings of a Lost Soul…

I have had a very hard time this last week.  Sometimes, full moons affect me mentally and this one sure has, I feel like I am going to snap and loose it completely!   I also have my 6 year old grandson here for a visit.  He has been here for almost 4 weeks now and he has mental issues as well.  His anger has been high this last week and he just can not control himself or behave.  Which makes me even more unstable mentally!

My adult son, that lives with me, has done nothing to help me with my grandson.  I shouldn’t be surprised, but I really thought he would help me!  I have horrible pain and I just can’t do it all, but I have had too, so my pain has been very high.  I am tired of being mentally abused by my son as well.  Like When he gets in my face and says, “What are you going to do about, Nothing!”  Which is why I have chosen to go live with my parents in Florida, but I have to go through everything here and try to sell what I can.  

I can’t afford to eat right and $200 a month in Foodstamps doesn’t get you much at all.  I have nothing left after paying for this house!  I thought when I divorced my sons father I would no longer be mentally abused.  I refuse to suffer any longer, but it will take me months to get through things here.  I get sick in the heat and it is so hot and humid here, so I can’t do the shed or the yard sale until October!  I am hoping to find a pain doctor in Florida that will be willing to take me on.  It took five years to get the right meds for my pain, they are helping, though I will always have pain and very bad days.  I do not want any of it changed after all this time of finding something that actually helps!  

I am finally divorced from my last husband!  He was so wonderful in the beginning, it took three years before the real him came out completely.  He is 16 years younger than me and he acted like everything I ever wanted in a man, until we were together 3 years.  Then the real him came out, a liar and a thief.  He left me for 5-6 weeks, then came back.  The last year we were together was horrible!  I had a hysterectomy, they thought I may have cancer, which I did not.  He wasn’t there for me at all!  Then I was dying and it took 3 weeks for the doctor to figure out that he cut my ureter in the surgery.  6 weeks to the day of the first surgery, I had to have a massive surgery to save my life.  My husband was shitty as hell to me!  He left in September of 2014 after I found out he was cheating!  The divorce wasn’t final until this month!  It is over now, another chunk of my life wasted!  I dated for a bit, but every single guy just seemed to want sex.  So I started eating and gained 20 pounds and I have not dated at all since then.  I do not want to be with any man!  Unless a man comes along that will court me, it will never happen again!  I am 47 years old next month, I have been married 3 times!  I am DONE…  I do not want to deal with the drama and BS of a man in my life again…

I am overwhelmed and so stressed out.  In my darkest hour, the only ones that were here for me where my Mom (who is in FL) and my best friend, Lora, but she lives far away!  I couldn’t believe it, no one else was here for me at all!  I had always been there for everyone!  Not even one of my friends, that has been my friend since age 10!  Not my sister, who I always went to when ever she needed me!  I am and have been completely alone for at least 2 years now… 😰. I have found myself preferring to stay inside and away from everything.  I haven’t had a vehicle since last Novemebr either.  So, I am basically stuck here anyway!  I was supposed to get my grandson back this Friday, meet half way in Chattanooga, but my son said they will NOT do it and they have the only car here.  Real nice huh!  I have only stayed here broke and suffering so my son had a home… Fuck that!

For the life of me, I cannot figure out how I deserve this hell I live in!  I have always been a Good person!  I can’t handle my pain condition and my own mental crap even…  I have wanted to die more than ever in this year!  I could NEVER take my own life, but I have prayed several times for GOD to just take me back home already. No one should have to suffer like this… 😢 😰 😡 😤 😱 😥 😖

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