Struggling with ???’s…

Every year my pain gets worse and spreads.  The doctors say my nerves are permanently damaged and there is nothing they can do for me, other than the pain meds I currently take.  These meds do help some with the pain, but they do not stop it from getting worse or spreading.  Every single thing I do, requires great effort and uses up what energy I do have!

I have struggled my entire life with depression.  I have been on medications that make it worse and cause suicidal thoughts.  Of course, I stopped those meds!  Now I am battling a depression that just won’t ease up.  Most of it is due to the pain.  Everytime I have to stand on my feet or walk, even just to the bathroom, it is horrible!  I try so hard every single day, to occupy my mind and not let the depression suck me completely down, which wears me out quickly…

One of my nieces came for four days to visit me, from last Thursday until this Monday.  It was very nice to see her.  She is the only one, in my entire family, that has ever come here and she has been here twice!  That just adds to the depressed thoughts.  I have always been there for everyone in my family, yet they are not here for me!  

Do I really want to spend another year or years with the pain getting even worse?  I am disabled and try to survive on $810 a month and I have a mortgage.  The only food I can get is with the $107 in Foodstamps I get, for the entire month!  I am tired of trying to find things to eat, which are always not good for you.  The cheapest food is not healthy food!  I feel the best when I eat only naturally occurring foods.  I tried to grow them, but I can’t afford the additive to the ground or anything to treat the disease that keeps killing them off.  They do great half way through, then always die or are eaten by pests…

Why have I been married three times and the last two husbands had to cheat then leave me?  I never once said no to sex, yet they would tell me no…  One was for 16 years and the last one was for 8 years…  I have come to a place, either from being burned so much by men or because of the hysterectomy in 2014, that I do NOT want to even tolerate another man.  I do not try to date or find someone.  I did for a few month over a year ago, but that is when I found I just can’t trust or stand another man…

Now my gas oven no longer works and I can’t afford to fix it or get another one.  The microwave quit a while ago.  The fridge goes out occasionally right now.  My coffee maker quit working yesterday!  I have nothing to get another with…

I am only here in this house and not living with my parents, so my son has a roof over his head.  He is insulin dependent and resistant.  He can’t work, when he has tried he gets extremely ill.  I already lost my oldest son to a car accident, my daughter is a drug addict and I will loose my youngest too.  My daughter is only allowed to stop by to see me with prior approval and can only stay up to two hours, because she is strung out so bad!  I had to let my grandson, which I raised from birth to age five, go live with his father last year!  Which is far away…

So, why do I continue to stay here on earth and deal with all of this hell?  Things continue to get worse and will…  I have been through so much, I should write a book.   I know people who have killed themselves after going through one of the things I have been though.  I am told I am strong, because I am still here!  In reality, I am here, because I am to scared to die…  That is NOT strong!  So, I am questioning a lot of things now.  Why do I continue to torture myself?………….

10 thoughts on “Struggling with ???’s…

  1. Barbara Marincel says:

    Sorry you are having so much pain, both physical and emotional…I hope you can get some help for the depression at least…

  2. ecteedoff says:

    i won’t pretend to know what you go through – not just the outer pain, but the inner pain that swells and overwhelms. I just want you to know that you are being heard. And that doesn’t make it suck any less. It doesn’t change the situation. But I hear you. You are not alone. And if you are ready, there are some things you can do that do not cost money. There is no magic fix. But there might be a raft out there, and if you can hold on, you might be able to get to shore. I hope you find that raft and I hope you know that I will think about you and support what I see as strength to find a way to manage and keep on going. There are ways. You have to want them, but there are ways. You can do this.

    • Please share with me the ways…

      • ecteedoff says:

        i’m not a therapist. but i do know there are free services – both to get into therapy, and to help subsidize your food. I’m not sure where you live, but in America, there are programs at food shelters that let you “shop” in the back. Sometimes, we can’t get fresh veggies (and it’s stupid because we know diet makes a big difference in how we feel.) At times like those, I look for frozen vegetables or canned vegetables. They are cheaper, and I can rinse them and then sautee or roast. I know it takes energy so I usually do it at my peak – for me it’s around noon. I know that by dinner time I won’t have the energy to cook, so I pre-cook a few things. Still, I would look into shelter assistance. As for therapy, NAMI is a great place to start: http://www.nami.org – they are a national organization of resources – that means they can help you find free therapists, housing if that’s a need, places to get medications, etc. Having been through the gambit of medications, I know how frustrating it can be when they make it worse. My only suggestion would to keep trying. It took me 15 years to find the right one. I can only imagine how overwhelming your life must feel right now – my mom always says “when it rains, it pours.” It seems like you have people in your life, (shitty men aside,) and perhaps you can lean on them. Maybe not financially, but for love. Sometimes we just need to not be alone. I don’t know how you feel about groups, but NAMI also can connect you to those. For some, it is a saving grace and you can meet people there who can support you. as for chronic pain, i do not have it, but a close friend of mine does. i would ask the doctors- sometimes there are distraction methods – they don’t cure it but they can help manage it. i know this shit is hard. i hope NAMI can help or at least guide you in a few directions that can help. i’m sorry i can’t help more.

      • When I lived in southern Illinois I was able to get all that help. Here in Georgia, I can’t get any! The assistance with utilities I can’t get here, they say they don’t have enough funding and can only help the elderly. The food banks here won’t let me in, because I get some Foodstamps, here it is just for people who don’t. It took me a year to get into the one place here for my psychiatrist and after several years, in 2014, they just dropped me saying my insurance wasn’t paying! I wish I could go back to IL, but I am here, because this is where my house is and I can’t even rent anywhere for how little my mortgage is here, so I am stuck. I no longer have a running vehicle too, so I have to be taken everywhere. I only have my son and his girlfriend here, all of my family lives far away….

      • I went to it and it wants me to log in, no place to create an account. Says your benefits and plans like an insurance company. Won’t let me search for providers without login

      • ecteedoff says:

        this is unfortunately way out of my level of knowledge. I do know there are field offices and there is a phone number to call. I wish I had more information to give you. All I can say is that for me, I had to do a lot of research online. They make it so difficult which is so hard when we are in a bad place – but sometimes if you call the right person, you can get a little help. I only wish I could do more. I wish you the very best and believe in you and your process. Just try and take it day by day and know you are not alone.

      • Thank you! I did research forever before, that is when I found the only place here for me to see a psychiatrist and I was on the waiting list for a year before I got in, then they dropped me due to insurance not paying. I really hate it here, but I have no choice but to be here……. I appreciate your kind words and thoughts more than you can possibly know…

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