I am in the pits of depression. I feel so exhausted. I am unable to find anything positive. Living in this home full of self centered people who only care about themselves. This entire day I have felt like I am just going to pass out. When I lay down I don’t sleep, but it can’t keep my eyes open.
It is almost a drunk feeling, almost. My body and mind are so warn out it can no longer take a single thing. Happiness has long been gone. A smile has not touched my face in so long. Every single day is filled with negative crap coming at me from my very own offspring.
It’s hot and humid outside. It is like this all summer long, until late October. It makes me feel like crap. My skin is covered in claminess. My body drags along. My mind is swimming in a sea of despair. I want it all to just end. There is no escape here on earth.
I could stay in bed all day, yet my mind will not let me sleep. Just lay there with my eyes closed. Then, my body itches. In different places all over. I wish I could find just an ounce of joy. Anything at all that would bring a smile upon my very frowning face.
Sluggish…. Barely able to move… Even the light hurts my eyes… How does one have such horrible offspring? They were not raised to be this way. My hands are tied. There is nothing I can do, they are adults. Even though they live in my home… There is no escaping them. No where I can go on earth to end the constant negative vibrations that they put forth towards me. They surely must hate me in order to be so horrible to me. They are not grateful for the fact they have a mother or a roof over their heads. They do not care that I am ill and in constant pain. Nor do they care that I will be having major surgery with a long recovery time. They only care about themselves and what they want or get.
I cannot run from my mental problems. No matter where I go they are always with me. My entire life I have had these demons called depression and anxiety. Even as a small child, they were always with me. Making my life suck every minute of every day. I have tried to run from them and it doesn’t work. Everywhere I go, they are right there with me.
I have actually hoped for cancer just so I could be done with life once and for all. That’s pretty bad. Or that I would go to sleep and just never wake up. 24/7 I am in pain and depressed. With adult children that cause so much chaos and negativity, it is impossible to bring myself up above the darkness. Nothing feels good anymore. I can’t even have an orgasm. Nothing………….