Pondering Things…

I have an email in my box today that says no sender, no message and no content, but the date it shows as the date it was sent is 12/31/69? I was born in August of 1969. It’s so weird and crazy…

I have lived my entire life with mental illness and bouts with major depression. It never ceases to catch me off guard how down I can find myself. Have you ever just sat quietly and tried to explore what it is you are actually feeling? I am sitting out back and it’s quiet other than the water sound from a small pond on my porch. I asked myself, “What exactly are you feeling?” It is hard to really know what it is that i am feeling. I have to really relax myself and search inside. I feel sadness, physical pain, alone, stress and exhaustion! I can hear birds chirping and vehicles going by along with the sound of water flowing in the pond. I also hear an occasional airplane and dogs bark in the distance. A gentle breeze is caressing my skin. I look around and I see the beauty in nature. The rich greens of spring time. Seeing, hearing and feeling nature are very pleasant.

I want to escape the physical pain that I am in every minute of every day. I want to disappear in nature and feel only the soft breeze on my skin. I want to no longer feel as though I am being swallowed in a dark cloud of depression. I take any moment I can find to slip into nature and separate myself from the world of pain and suffering I live in. Even when it is only seconds that I can find.

I began to think of times when I felt very happy. Then I realized why those times were also so short lived. Because I felt happy due to something I bought myself or was able to play with. At first it is new and exciting and you feel happy, but money can NOT buy happiness. Happiness is a feeling that we can create with or without money. That is why when we feel happy for a short time after we are able to buy something we want, it is so short lived.

“B” is very happy today, because he is going out to buy a truck that he wants. This is what got me to thinking about happiness and how it is quickly gone when we try to find it through money. There are so many things we need here and the money for that vehicle isn’t going to help anyone being wasted on something that is not even needed. It will just make him feel good for a few days! The car I bought years ago for my son after he passed away, “B” got rid of it. Oh, now I see where my deep darkness is stemming from. Now he is going to have what he wants and the car that represented my dead son is gone! Well, it took a while, but now I really know what is eating at me so deeply! Honestly, there are several things that have brought me to this point, but now I am finally seeing what is eating at me so deeply!

I have to really work on and try to find happiness for myself………….

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