I am in a Dark Place…

This is going to be a very dark and negative post. I have been struggling for the last week with fear and stress.

I have been overwhelmed with the fear of the unknown. Fearing I may have cancer and they finally found it. From the weight loss a year ago and my pain spreading, along with several other red flags that the doctors just seemed to ignore…. I finally had a CT scan and then an ultrasound. All the signs point to cancer, but iI won’t know for sure until Thursday. My pain levels have been extremely high.

I have begged my family that lives with me to offer up some peace, compassion and understanding while I struggle through this time. What I have received is stress, worry, aggravation and chaos, B just cannot put me first for anything. My daughter is a drunk and messed up in drugs again. I spend my days hearing her scream and yell at her four year old son. I came out from a nap and found her passed out on the couch and my grandson peeling the outside of a box off of it. My son argues with me and calls me names. Not one of them seems to be able to do anything remotely nice or considerate for me. Maybe it isn’t such a bad thing if I do have cancer. Maybe it will be my way out of this hell hole!

I received a text from B asking if I wanted a pizza or some wings. I told him yes some wings with the sauce is like and I would just eat it tomorrow. He messages me back and said he had meant to sent that text to Brian but if I wanted some wings he could get them for me. Just another example of how I will never be number one in his life. He walks around here negative and depressed, but everyone says when I am not here he is just fine.

I just give up! I’m too tired and way too stressed out to try to make life here livable. I have had to take two hour naps every afternoon and go to bed by 11pm then wake up at 10am. I am going to just go with the flow and sleep when I can until Thursday and then find out what my next step is. I do not want chemo therapy and I think it would be best if I just didn’t have it at all anyway. I refuse to be sick just to try to live a little longer. I’m getting ahead of myself here. It might not be cancer, even though I have had all the symptoms of it being cancer.

Sorry this is a depressive post. I have worked so hard and fought tooth and nail to get through the last few months. Everyone has bad times and right now I am having a horrible time of it all………….

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