Day 14, Loosing A Loved One…

“A strong positive mental attitude will create more miracles than any wonder drug.” ~Patricia Neal

“If you find yourself getting nervous stop and relax for
three full breaths. Then take one small step, then another.
That is how people get to the top of Everest.”
~ News from Martha, November 2008

Today, the world lost a beautiful soul, Etta. “B” lost his grandma today. She raised him and was more his mother than his grand mother. I loved her very much. She was the one person in that entire family that was sweet, loving and caring. She smiled so brightly when ever she saw me and she gave the warmest hugs.

I woke this morning to a message from B saying to please call him as soon as I received the message. I immediately felt ill and my mind went to all the horrible things it could be about. I had to remind myself to stop and take three slow and deep breaths and not create possibilities in my mind. Once I regained control of my thoughts, I called him. Then I learned that his grandma had passed away in the night.

My heart aches for “B” and for the fact I will never see “Etta” again on this earthly plane. She is free from pain and suffering now and she is with her other loved ones who left before her. I know her husband was there waiting for her with open arms.

Knowing these things, does not make it less painful. I had to remind myself to allow the sadness and loss to be felt instead of trying to push it down. I then cried for a while. We have to allow ourselves to feel the loss or we do not deal with it. I have allowed myself to deal with many losses in my life, but there is one that I still have not found the way to deal with fully. That is the loss of my son, Keith.

I lost my precious Nana, a friend and I lost my sister prior to the loss of my son. My son will always and forever be a deep hole within my heart. One thing at a time though. I feel like I should be there for B and I am struggling with what is the right thing to do. If he wants me there with him all he has to do is ask, but I doubt he will. Do I leave my retreat a week early and be there for him? Or do I allow him to ask, if he so desires, and stay where I am? Will he find comfort in someone else’s arms? I can not allow those thoughts to enter my mind. Maybe he needs this private time with just his family. After all, I cannot change any of it. I shall allow him to make the choices and I will stand by him in what ever he does choose.

The last two days have been intensely painful days for me. I have spent most of my time laying in bed, where the pain is at its least amount. Today is another super pain day, so I shall be gentle to myself and allow another day of lounging in bed. I need to be gentle, because I want desperately to feel better tomorrow so I can go to the wild animal sanctuary. Today, while relaxing, I will take myself on a meditative journey where I focus on easing my pain and concentrate on feeling my best for tomorrow. I passed up going out for lunch yesterday, due to the pain. That alone says very much about how bad of a state I have been in. Today is very warm, cloudy and storms on their way in. Today, needs to be a body, mind and soul relaxation and healing day………….

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Picture of “Grandma”, Etta Church…

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